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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:15:36 GMT
Update: Thanks again for the suggestions. I thanked her for the invite and said I know she'll have fun. Since it's been a weird year I'm opting out. Would like to take her to lunch closer to her bday or we can get drinks and see if anything else is going on then if she prefers. She came back and suggested "how about both" and no comment about the weekend. Went on to chit chat from there so all is fine. Her DH is not happy she's doing this and she's fine with that. Not sure why he'd care, she has always planned her own bday celebrations although I imagine he isn't thrilled with being left out of it. --------------------------- Pretty certain I've vented more than once about bff's love for her bday (and going out drinking with people in general) and need advice for how to approach this one. We have been friends since grade school and for the most part, present for each other in all big life events so I *know* I should just suck it up and go, but I'm at a point I'm comfortable deciding I just don't want to - except want to be a little kinder in what I say. Her talking about her bday starts 3-6 months prior. It has varied over the years from throwing out the general "I want to do something fun" to "are you taking me to lunch" to "you have to go out with me so we can dance and do shots" or in about the last 10 years as she expanded her social group (and I haven't by choice, as you can guess) it's "we're getting together, you have to come". Per her, she "loves" her her birthday and brings it up frequently. Thing is, the years she has gotten people together, both her and her DH's social skills suck. You're stuck introducing yourself to others, may not have a spot to sit even though she knows you are going to be there, a super random awkward mix of people, expected to chip in to buy her bday drinks, etc. For the most part, she doesn't have a consistent social group, I sense people come and go for some of the same reasons that bug me and DH. Some may be her employees (she owns a business) at times. They did pick up a couple during COVID that likes to go out a lot, so took pressure off me and DH always being asked to do stuff. She is random with my bday. She never suggests going out, even for simple lunch or to get a drink - she would maybe piggyback on a time we went out later and she would buy me a "bday drink". Any card or gift is random (although we both reciprocated gifts probably up to our later 20's, then she quit first and I finally did a couple years later). May get something every other year from her. I basically give her a card and do a small coffee shop gc every year. For my 50th this year, she spent about $50 for a thoughtful gift, given to me when we went out to see a band together (decided months before and that she "had" to see, not specifically for my bday). Honestly, I would have preferred to mutually ignore our bdays when in the lead up to our 40th (now 10 yrs ago, haha) she wanted me and DH to go to some tropical spot with them over her bday. Since this was a year she was talking about her bday very early, I suggested we go in Jan/Feb, which would be between both of our bdays to celebrate them both. She never said another single word about it after I suggested that. So now, starting less than a week after my bday, when all I had was a FB post wishing me happy 50th and no expectation that she would give me a gift (which she did a week later), I get a text that she is planning a girl's weekend for certain dates in late March for her 50th. Link to the resort with info. It's Fri-Sun, 2 hrs away, $150 for the room which will be more like $400+ after the going out, shopping, gift for her, meals, etc. I can afford it and in theory, would be fun, yet she is the only person that is my friend there. I wasn't gutsy enough to specifically ask who was going (5 plus her so far) but I expect there would be one more distant friend of mine. Bottom-line, I kind of resent all things about her bday and am comfortable with my introverted self that I'd prefer to just stay home (and while DH and I do plenty, we are semi-cautious about what we do with groups because of COVID, although that isn't my reason for not going and don't want it to be). Another option is to go for 1 of the 2 nights, although really, I'd like to just take her out for lunch and give her a gift and call it good. If you made it through this part vent/part advice seeking long post, WWYD? I don't have any reason to make a point to her and I'm not trying to hurt her. Obviously an "I'm sorry I can't make it" could do, although she will come back with a "why not" if I don't have a specific reason, she's pretty direct as you can tell.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 29, 2021 16:20:11 GMT
I would just thank her for the invitation and tell her that it won't work for you this year. Don't explain yourself or offer excuses. A person like this will just come back at you and try to wear you down.
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Post by gillyp on Dec 29, 2021 16:21:01 GMT
"I'm not comfortable being part of any group plans while we still don't know where we are with Covid. I would love to take you to lunch and was thinking of (restaurant) on . . . . at . . . . Shall I go ahead and book it?" Would that do?
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 29, 2021 16:21:28 GMT
"Sorry, won't be able to make it. Have a great time!"
PERIOD. You do not have to justify your "no." It is a complete sentence.
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Post by beepdave on Dec 29, 2021 16:21:46 GMT
No. I'm not ready to plan any travel at this time.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,923
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 29, 2021 16:22:50 GMT
Didn't want to read and run ... I really don't have a perfect bulletproof excuse to suggest.
If you're really not into it, there's lots to choose from.
- No, thanks for the invite. - I already have plans that weekend (then make some!) LOL - Can't afford it this time around - COVID
Best wishes! I think from your description of this relationship, I wouldn't want to go either!
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Post by librarylady on Dec 29, 2021 16:23:01 GMT
"It is something I can't do at this time."
Repeat as needed. A person does not need to explain everything. If she demands more, "for reasons that are personal, it is something that I can't do at this time, "
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Post by myshelly on Dec 29, 2021 16:25:10 GMT
You seem to be upset that she doesn’t plan anything/make a big deal about your bday.
But she plans her own bday and invites you. That’s not equivalent to her also planning your bday for you.
It seems like you’re mad at her for something that doesn’t make sense and want to somehow get back at her.
If you just don’t wanna go because you don’t wanna go, then the whole first 75% of your post was irrelevant information.
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Post by Merge on Dec 29, 2021 16:26:31 GMT
That sounds like the ninth circle of hell to me, TBH. I agree with those who have said no is a complete sentence, though I know how difficult that can be when someone with no boundaries persists in asking why.
Honestly I’d let this friendship fade. She sounds very stressful.
Best wishes.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 29, 2021 16:28:41 GMT
Are people intimidated by her? Just say "No". Enjoy your birthday getaway. I am sorry that I can't go w/you. Do you like this friendship? She sounds very self involved. What do you get out of this?
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 7:30:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:28:59 GMT
Yes, I can't totally just go with a no. But she will ask why. I'd like to say I'm not up for a weekend with people I don't know that well, but that seems lame and gives her an opening to try to talk me into it. Something like it's a bit much for me, but not wanting her to feel like *she's* a bit much.
Don't want COVID to be the reason, as it really isn't for us or around me (plus DH and I just traveled for my 50th and have gone about typical gatherings recently).
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 29, 2021 16:34:03 GMT
Yes, I can't totally just go with a no. But she will ask why. I'd like to say I'm not up for a weekend with people I don't know that well, but that seems lame and gives her an opening to try to talk me into it. Something like it's a bit much for me, but not wanting her to feel like *she's* a bit much. Don't want COVID to be the reason, as it really isn't for us or around me (plus DH and I just traveled for my 50th and have gone about typical gatherings recently). Then you can say, "DH and I already made plans to hole up that weekend together. Thanks for inviting me, and maybe we can grab dinner another night to celebrate." TBH, she sounds like the kind of person who will continue to push anyway, so be prepared to hold firm. Do not apologize. Use "Thank you." "Thank you for wanting me there! I'd love to celebrate with you another time."
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 7:30:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:36:47 GMT
Are people intimidated by her? Just say "No". Enjoy your birthday getaway. I am sorry that I can't go w/you. Do you like this friendship? She sounds very self involved. What do you get out of this? No she isn't overly intimidating, I would say she lacks nuance to best describe her. She can be kind, generous and caring, although somewhat shallow. She has prioritized lots of friends and lots of going out, while I appreciate deeper and fewer friendships and a small amount of going out. Because of that, our friendship has changed, I get the little bit out of it I need since our history and mutually enjoying going out to chat/drink/dance is our bond. I accept her, but the bday thing gets old (although is predictable at this point).
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 29, 2021 16:37:31 GMT
Adults like this who make huge deals of their own birthdays annoy me. I have two who make their birthday month "national holidays." Being excited is one thing, taking it to an extreme is another. I would go with "I'm sorry, I can't make it." If she asks why - "We are taking a trip to celebrate my 50th."
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 7:30:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:40:22 GMT
Yes, I can't totally just go with a no. But she will ask why. I'd like to say I'm not up for a weekend with people I don't know that well, but that seems lame and gives her an opening to try to talk me into it. Something like it's a bit much for me, but not wanting her to feel like *she's* a bit much. Don't want COVID to be the reason, as it really isn't for us or around me (plus DH and I just traveled for my 50th and have gone about typical gatherings recently). Then you can say, "DH and I already made plans to hole up that weekend together. Thanks for inviting me, and maybe we can grab dinner another night to celebrate." TBH, she sounds like the kind of person who will continue to push anyway, so be prepared to hold firm. Do not apologize. Use "Thank you." "Thank you for wanting me there! I'd love to celebrate with you another time." Thanks for reminding me of this! I'm focused on how to say no, but hadn't thought of making sure to thank her for including me. She'll still come back with why not but will soften it, haha
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:43:54 GMT
Adults like this who make huge deals of their own birthdays annoy me. I have two who make their birthday month "national holidays." Being excited is one thing, taking it to an extreme is another. I would go with "I'm sorry, I can't make it." If she asks why - "We are taking a trip to celebrate my 50th." It annoys me, too. I have no reason to pop their bubble about it, in her case it seems to matter more that she goes out to celebrate and the more the merrier. Most people just seem to laugh that she focuses on it so much.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 29, 2021 16:44:40 GMT
Are people intimidated by her? Just say "No". Enjoy your birthday getaway. I am sorry that I can't go w/you. Do you like this friendship? She sounds very self involved. What do you get out of this? No she isn't overly intimidating, I would say she lacks nuance to best describe her. She can be kind, generous and caring, although somewhat shallow. She has prioritized lots of friends and lots of going out, while I appreciate deeper and fewer friendships and a small amount of going out. Because of that, our friendship has changed, I get the little bit out of it I need since our history and mutually enjoying going out to chat/drink/dance is our bond. I accept her, but the bday thing gets old (although is predictable at this point). You always know what to expect, so it's easier to accept. I would just use Covid as your excuse. It's viable and true.
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 7:30:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 16:49:51 GMT
You seem to be upset that she doesn’t plan anything/make a big deal about your bday. But she plans her own bday and invites you. That’s not equivalent to her also planning your bday for you. It seems like you’re mad at her for something that doesn’t make sense and want to somehow get back at her. If you just don’t wanna go because you don’t wanna go, then the whole first 75% of your post was irrelevant information. Nope, not a bit upset. Just providing context. Partially venting and asking for advice how to kindly address this with someone I do care about and am not trying to hurt. Thanks for the irrelevant comment. Feel the same about your comment. FWIW, no adult that I know well besides her expects a big deal for their bday. Since we are adults.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Dec 29, 2021 16:52:34 GMT
"I'd rather do something with you one on one, when we get together in a group I hardly get a chance to talk with you. Let's schedule a special lunch together." If you want to continue the friendship, this makes her feel valued and special. If you don't want to continue the friendship, then I would just go with something like, thanks for thinking of me but I won't be able to go and leave it at that.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Dec 29, 2021 16:54:49 GMT
I would just thank her for the invitation and tell her that it won't work for you this year. Don't explain yourself or offer excuses. A person like this will just come back at you and try to wear you down. This and I'd finish with a "have fun!" and do NOT leave it open to negotiation or wiggle room. The more excuses you give, the more she will have to come back and justify why you can do it. Just a "sorry - just won't work for me! HAVE FUN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
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Post by scrapcat on Dec 29, 2021 16:55:04 GMT
I am trying to figure out if she is an Aries?! Then the stuck-on-self thing makes sense. It sounds like she wants to be celebrated? Or does she really want you to be there?
I guess plan something alternative with her. If she seems hurt that you don't want to go to weekend, maybe purchase a gift card to where they are staying/celebrating, then it's like you're buying a meal or drink?
As a fellow introvert, I get that these things aren't always so black and white. Relationships can be complex, esp after knowing someone for 40+ years.
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anaterra
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Post by anaterra on Dec 29, 2021 16:56:34 GMT
I can understand the birthday is super exhausting...
Can you be honest with her?? Just let her know love you big and would bend over backward for you... but a girls weekend away with people I dont know isnt something I wanna do right now... It isnt about you or your bday.. its just spending a WHOLE WEEKEND trying to make small talk with your other friends, sounds like a nope to me... but lets do dinner with the dhs!! that is more inline with how I am spending my time in the new year
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Post by Zee on Dec 29, 2021 17:01:19 GMT
You seem to be upset that she doesn’t plan anything/make a big deal about your bday. But she plans her own bday and invites you. That’s not equivalent to her also planning your bday for you. It seems like you’re mad at her for something that doesn’t make sense and want to somehow get back at her. If you just don’t wanna go because you don’t wanna go, then the whole first 75% of your post was irrelevant information. Gotta agree here, she's direct and says what she wants to happen. You don't. She may be annoying about it, I don't know, but at least she's not passively complaining that nobody did anything for her birthday after she sat silent about it. Anyway I'm on my way to Florida for my 50th as I type this. I didn't invite anyone because the one time I made a fuss about my 30th, I ended up disappointed with the whole thing. I no longer make a big deal about it! If you don't want to go, just say you can't make it because you don't feel up to traveling right now, and that's all you have to say.
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AmeliaBloomer
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Dec 29, 2021 17:05:04 GMT
Thank her and tell her what you told us: The group weekend thing is not your style but you’d like to do one-on-one lunch.
She’ll likely push and this situation will likely happen again, so why not have a conversation about your introversion and dislikes? I’ve had those conversations with friends and we’ve figured out how to respect each others’ preferences without making anyone uncomfortable.
There should be no hurt feelings or rancor, especially if you propose an option. If there are, maybe the friendship has lived its life. Good luck.
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 29, 2021 17:05:05 GMT
I would say I already have plans to be away that weekend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 17:09:32 GMT
Really appreciate the suggestions I think more so that I dread how to say no (once I finally decided I'm not willing to suck it up and just go) and I'm procrastinating getting back to her. She's asked me twice since she invited me if I plan to go. She will be disappointed I say no, although not completely surprised I'm opting out. Here's what I'm thinking: Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out, partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji)
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Tearisci
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Post by Tearisci on Dec 29, 2021 17:10:41 GMT
Yes, I can't totally just go with a no. But she will ask why. I'd like to say I'm not up for a weekend with people I don't know that well, but that seems lame and gives her an opening to try to talk me into it. I think that's a perfectly valid explanation right there and one that I would feel comfortable using. Plus with Covid, I wouldn't want to be around a group of virtual strangers right now anyway.
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AmeliaBloomer
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Dec 29, 2021 17:11:59 GMT
I am trying to figure out if she is an Aries?! Then the stuck-on-self thing makes sense. It sounds like she wants to be celebrated? This is why I won’t tell anyone what my astrological sign is. I don’t like the presumed personality/characteristics. Maybe it’s ‘cause my future MIL asked me within five minutes of meeting me and then told me all about what I was like based on my answer. (And yes. Yes, I AM an Aries. LOL.)
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 29, 2021 17:15:22 GMT
Really appreciate the suggestions I think more so that I dread how to say no (once I finally decided I'm not willing to suck it up and just go) and I'm procrastinating getting back to her. She's asked me twice since she invited me if I plan to go. She will be disappointed I say no, although not completely surprised I'm opting out. Here's what I'm thinking: Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out, partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji) This is really good, but you don't need to give the excuses, because those invite arguments. "Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out , partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji)"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 17:23:10 GMT
Gotta say, hope I wasn't complaining no one did anything special for my birthday. I'm over the top thrilled that my DH took me on a super nice trip for my birthday a few weeks ago. I suggested we not spend the money but he insisted and it was fabulous. My kids sent a card between them to 3 different states just so they could all sign it and chipped in on Blundstone boots after I admired DD's. I was sooo touched by that and absolutely didn't expect it. I'm an only child and my mom died this year, DH and my mom were the only people that my birthday was ever a big deal to and I've never had expectations about it, just isn't my thing. Throwing the most fun kid's parties for my kids was! And I plan to throw my DH a surprise 50th because he has a ton of friends that would love to be in on surprising him.
Not sure why I'm trying to justify myself but yeah, after so many years of bff going on about hers, it has worn thin for me. Wasn't hoping for my own girl's weekend though.
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