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Post by mollycoddle on Dec 29, 2021 17:23:57 GMT
Yes, I can't totally just go with a no. But she will ask why. I'd like to say I'm not up for a weekend with people I don't know that well, but that seems lame and gives her an opening to try to talk me into it. Something like it's a bit much for me, but not wanting her to feel like *she's* a bit much. Don't want COVID to be the reason, as it really isn't for us or around me (plus DH and I just traveled for my 50th and have gone about typical gatherings recently). Then you can say, "DH and I already made plans to hole up that weekend together. Thanks for inviting me, and maybe we can grab dinner another night to celebrate." TBH, she sounds like the kind of person who will continue to push anyway, so be prepared to hold firm. Do not apologize. Use "Thank you." "Thank you for wanting me there! I'd love to celebrate with you another time." This. People like that are tiresome. They tend to persist, and sometimes you have to get a bit snippy with them. “As I have explained, I have plans.” This should be said only if she persists in trying to change your mind, and it should be said with just a touch of ‘tone.’ Offering to meet her another time to celebrate is a good idea.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,406
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 29, 2021 17:27:13 GMT
Just say you can't go. Say it's because of COVID or financial savings, whatever you need to say. But don't make up reasons like you're already traveling, because she may want to change the dates, and then what will you do? I actually agree with myshelly on this one. It's personal to you, because it's your story/vent, I get that, but I also know several adults that go crazy for their birthday. I sometimes participate, or I don't. And I don't expect them to plan something for me.
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Post by scrapcat on Dec 29, 2021 17:27:17 GMT
I am trying to figure out if she is an Aries?! Then the stuck-on-self thing makes sense. It sounds like she wants to be celebrated? This is why I won’t tell anyone my astrological sign is. I don’t like the presumed personality/characteristics. Maybe it’s ‘cause my future MIL asked me within five minutes of meeting me and then told me all about what I was like based on my answer. (And yes. Yes, I AM an Aries. LOL.) Aww, didn't mean to offend. It's a strong sign, I admire the Aries for doing you! I have a lot of close experience with Aries...also it is my moon sign. I tend to be able to guess what people are based on their characteristics... I would never ask them first thing. My job entails meeting with lots of people from different backgrounds, but mostly very successful, entrepreneurial types and getting to know them, so I've formed some observations over the years...
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 5:30:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2021 17:27:20 GMT
Really appreciate the suggestions I think more so that I dread how to say no (once I finally decided I'm not willing to suck it up and just go) and I'm procrastinating getting back to her. She's asked me twice since she invited me if I plan to go. She will be disappointed I say no, although not completely surprised I'm opting out. Here's what I'm thinking: Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out, partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji) This is really good, but you don't need to give the excuses, because those invite arguments. "Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out , partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji)" Perfect. You're right I don't need any excuse. She'll still probably come back at me but it being a weird year and I can add that I'm just not up to it will be enough.
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charlatan
Full Member
Posts: 319
Feb 7, 2015 3:53:07 GMT
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Post by charlatan on Dec 29, 2021 17:46:32 GMT
This is really good, but you don't need to give the excuses, because those invite arguments. "Thank you and I really appreciate you inviting me for girl's weekend, you'll have fun! It's just been a weird year and I'm going to opt out , partially because it's a whole weekend and then with a group I don't know too well. I'd like to take you out for lunch close to your birthday if that works for you? Or if there is something else fun going one, we can do that (add beer cheers emoji)" Perfect. You're right I don't need any excuse. She'll still probably come back at me but it being a weird year and I can add that I'm just not up to it will be enough. I don't entirely agree. Everyone is right that you don't need any excuse, but the reality is that many people don't immediately accept that and keep pushing - usually nicely, even with the best of intentions, because they want to make their plan work with everyone included. I've had similar discussions with a friend and it kept happening over and over because I was reluctant to hurt anyone's feelings. When I finally just told her that I wouldn't be joining the next big group thing she of course wanted to know why and then was fine when I explained. We get together in smaller settings or with just us now. I would have made my life a lot easier years before if I had been willing to have the difficult conversation up front.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,137
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Dec 29, 2021 17:49:46 GMT
i also am annoyed with people who their bday is like the queen's jubilee (non-brit using this reference...).
great, you were born. we all were. if you have party friends that are into that, great. but people shouldn't feel obligated with "BUT it's my BIRTHDAY!".
i love going for hikes, one of my best friends doesn't. she loves going to the grocery store, like for fun. i don't ask her to hike, she doesn't drag me to check out the new grocery store. we are still friends and do things we both enjoy together.
i have had ONE self-planned bday event for my 26th. it was stressful - friends that weren't friends with each other, ensuring everyone felt comfortable. i have also gone out for friends' bday celebrations, barely spoke to them and sat next to the their cousin and their former colleague. sometimes nice people but i would rather have a one-on-one dinner and actually spend time with my friend.
and yes, i am an aries... lol! beg off and don't feel one bit badly about it... it doesn't mean you aren't a good friend.
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 29, 2021 18:27:57 GMT
I think you have gotten a lot of good suggestions—I really like the “thank you” approach.
I am an extrovert but I really hate group vacations. I have my own reasons — I get up early, don’t like staying up late, hate waiting around for people, etc — but I have leaned over the years to just say “thank you for thinking of me! I won’t be able to make it,” and, honestly, anyone who is still pushing after that, it is a them-problem.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 29, 2021 18:31:56 GMT
Since you’ve decided that now you’re 50, you’re not going to roll over for her, stick to that plan. It will take some effort on your part. I take it from your post that she dominates these situations and you go along to get along, even though you don’t want to. She’s not going to understand your not rolling over this year. You can be direct without being rude or hurtful. I like your response, minus the excuse. Excuses just prompt more pushback. Be firm, can’t do it, let’s get together later one on one. You’re going to have to be a broken record for a while before she clues in. But also be prepared she might not appreciate the new, non-pushover you.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 29, 2021 19:16:11 GMT
Thanks again for the suggestions. I thanked her for the invite and said I know she'll have fun. Since it's been a weird year I'm opting out. Would like to take her to lunch closer to her bday or we can get drinks and see if anything else is going on then if she prefers. She came back and suggested "how about both" and no comment about the weekend. Went on to chit chat from there so all is fine. Her DH is not happy she's doing this and she's fine with that. Not sure why he'd care, she has always planned her own bday celebrations although I imagine he isn't thrilled with being left out of it. I suspect she isn't that upset about you not attending the weekend, but thrilled to bits that she will have yet another birthday celebration with you taking her to lunch. It's all about the attention, and the more the better!
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Post by craftedbys on Dec 29, 2021 19:17:42 GMT
Just to throw my 2 cents in, I feel that there is a big difference between "hey I want to go out for my birthday" and "You have to take me to lunch/buy me drinks/go dancing with me"
I get people want to do things to have fun on their big day, but I am on the bench that people who are so over the top and make it all about them for the entire month are just annoying.
And don't even get me started on people who are aghast at having to actually go to work on their birthday. I have actually seen a grown woman try to bully someone into changing their vacation days so SHE could be off on HER birthday. Ugh.
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 29, 2021 22:57:27 GMT
I often see people use that "No is a complete sentence" thing when giving advice in situations like this. But in reality, it just doesn't work, and nor would I want to be so abrupt with someone. It sounds like you handled it well, and that she isn't too upset with you. I am trying to figure out if she is an Aries?! Then the stuck-on-self thing makes sense. It sounds like she wants to be celebrated? This is why I won’t tell anyone what my astrological sign is. I don’t like the presumed personality/characteristics. Maybe it’s ‘cause my future MIL asked me within five minutes of meeting me and then told me all about what I was like based on my answer. Ha, this meme popped up on my feed just yesterday:
FTR my brother is Aries, and he is as far from stuck-on-self as anyone could be.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 29, 2021 23:15:24 GMT
I often see people use that "No is a complete sentence" thing when giving advice in situations like this. But in reality, it just doesn't work, and nor would I want to be so abrupt with someone. Of all the oft repeated things I’ve read here over the years, this one is my least favorite. It drives me batty as advice. It did my heart good to read this!
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Dec 30, 2021 0:30:39 GMT
When she responded with "how about both?" was she suggesting you come for the weekend AND she still wants the birthday dinner? That's how I read that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 5:30:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2021 0:42:35 GMT
When she responded with "how about both?" was she suggesting you come for the weekend AND she still wants the birthday dinner? That's how I read that. Oops, no she meant both to my offer for taking her out for lunch or getting drinks and see if something else is going on. At least that's how I took it. And yes, she probably means it, just because she is frequently looking for opportunities to go out.
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 30, 2021 1:00:49 GMT
When she responded with "how about both?" was she suggesting you come for the weekend AND she still wants the birthday dinner? That's how I read that. Oops, no she meant both to my offer for taking her out for lunch or getting drinks and see if something else is going on. At least that's how I took it. And yes, she probably means it, just because she is frequently looking for opportunities to go out. Glad it worked out!
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 30, 2021 1:02:21 GMT
I often see people use that "No is a complete sentence" thing when giving advice in situations like this. But in reality, it just doesn't work, and nor would I want to be so abrupt with someone. It sounds like you handled it well, and that she isn't too upset with you. This is why I won’t tell anyone what my astrological sign is. I don’t like the presumed personality/characteristics. Maybe it’s ‘cause my future MIL asked me within five minutes of meeting me and then told me all about what I was like based on my answer. Ha, this meme popped up on my feed just yesterday:
FTR my brother is Aries, and he is as far from stuck-on-self as anyone could be. It really DOES work, though (and kind of did in this case). What I mean by that is that you don't often/always have to justify your why to someone. If someone actually respects your boundaries, "no" is enough. I do it all the time. Took me a while to learn it, but it does work.
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 30, 2021 1:09:11 GMT
I often see people use that "No is a complete sentence" thing when giving advice in situations like this. But in reality, it just doesn't work, and nor would I want to be so abrupt with someone. It sounds like you handled it well, and that she isn't too upset with you. Ha, this meme popped up on my feed just yesterday:
FTR my brother is Aries, and he is as far from stuck-on-self as anyone could be. It really DOES work, though (and kind of did in this case). What I mean by that is that you don't often/always have to justify your why to someone. If someone actually respects your boundaries, "no" is enough. I do it all the time. Took me a while to learn it, but it does work. I think that it is a great tactic for dealing with people who you know aren’t going to accept a gracious explanation after your no.
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