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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jan 3, 2022 1:52:46 GMT
Quote >> Our money is still very intertwined << Quote Why is your money still intertwined? ? The first thing you should have done, was get your own account. Having intertwined money and sharing an account, leaves you in a vunerable position. He could clear it out at any given moment. HE COULD TAKE ALL THE MONEY, then what? You need to protect you, first and foremost. GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, in your name only. If you need some of his income to make your ends meet, and to pay household expenses....your Attorney should get a temporary order written and signed off on by the Judge, to give you a temporary allotment of the funds, good until the divorce is final. Then whatever is determined for you to receive monetarily in the divorce settlement, will be activated and the temporary order will be discontinued.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 3, 2022 1:58:20 GMT
When he works, it is usually cleaned up before he gets home. NYE the chili was still on the stove to cook down a little. Last night ds and I had just finished eating when he came upstairs to eat. No chance to out it away. Plus, if he is home, I don't want to seem petty about it in front of our son and tell him he isn't allowed to eat. I know this is hard, I just went through it with my cousin (her ex left her after 31 years). If I were you I'd stop worrying about looking petty. Your son knows what is going on. No wonder he's hasn't left yet, he gets a wife and a mistress. If I were you I would stop doing ANY thing for him. Do you still do his shopping? What does he eat when he gets home? Surely not food you went out and bought. I'm assuming you did all the shopping before? Does he now buy all his own personal items? Soap, shampoo, deodorant. Stop doing any of those things that a wife would do.I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I know my cousin was a puddle on the floor when this happen to her. It really has been such a short time for you. My hope for you right now is anger. I know that sounds bad, but I think you need a little to help you keep your focus. My cousin, at just a month out, was still hoping for him to come back. It took her almost a year, I think, before she knew she would never take him back. I was wondering this myself. OMG she would have to store the freaking pantry in her bedroom.
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Post by flanz on Jan 3, 2022 2:07:23 GMT
it seemed petty. I just thought at least a thank you He has shown you how petty he is. Please try 2-3 serving recipes. If he needs to eat, he needs to cook and clean his oen dishes. I love the idea of having a fridge in your locked room for leftovers suggested by PP.
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needhelp21
Shy Member
Posts: 38
Nov 11, 2021 13:20:29 GMT
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Post by needhelp21 on Jan 3, 2022 3:08:58 GMT
Quote >> Our money is still very intertwined << Quote Why is your money still intertwined? ? The first thing you should have done, was get your own account. Having intertwined money and sharing an account, leaves you in a vunerable position. He could clear it out at any given moment. HE COULD TAKE ALL THE MONEY, then what? You need to protect you, first and foremost. GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, in your name only. If you need some of his income to make your ends meet, and to pay household expenses....your Attorney should get a temporary order written and signed off on by the Judge, to give you a temporary allotment of the funds, good until the divorce is final. Then whatever is determined for you to receive monetarily in the divorce settlement, will be activated and the temporary order will be discontinued. I know it makes no sense and if I wasn't me, I'd be saying the same thing. I bring home about 3700 per month and it comes on the last day of the month. The mortgage and big bills are paid from it. This month alone, stbx cleared either 11 or $12,000 in rake home pay (that is high, usually it is closer to 5 or 6). As long as he keeps bringing that kind of money home, I can keep paying off debt so that there is less to split. A judges orders is not going to give me as much. The injunction forbids him from moving money except as normal business practice, which we have to prove. If he took the money our, then my lawyer would pounce on him. Each time he wastes money on beer or something. I pay down my debt the exact amount to the penny. (I also paid down some the amount of the hotel he rented for them when she is here in a couple of weeks). This is raising my credit score and again lowering the split debt. Until it no longer works, I'm keeping them intertwined. Of course if she moves here in two weeks, that may change quickly
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,670
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Jan 3, 2022 4:26:12 GMT
Quote >> Our money is still very intertwined << Quote Why is your money still intertwined? ? The first thing you should have done, was get your own account. Having intertwined money and sharing an account, leaves you in a vunerable position. He could clear it out at any given moment. HE COULD TAKE ALL THE MONEY, then what? You need to protect you, first and foremost. GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, in your name only. If you need some of his income to make your ends meet, and to pay household expenses....your Attorney should get a temporary order written and signed off on by the Judge, to give you a temporary allotment of the funds, good until the divorce is final. Then whatever is determined for you to receive monetarily in the divorce settlement, will be activated and the temporary order will be discontinued. I know it makes no sense and if I wasn't me, I'd be saying the same thing. I bring home about 3700 per month and it comes on the last day of the month. The mortgage and big bills are paid from it. This month alone, stbx cleared either 11 or $12,000 in rake home pay (that is high, usually it is closer to 5 or 6). As long as he keeps bringing that kind of money home, I can keep paying off debt so that there is less to split. A judges orders is not going to give me as much. The injunction forbids him from moving money except as normal business practice, which we have to prove. If he took the money our, then my lawyer would pounce on him. Each time he wastes money on beer or something. I pay down my debt the exact amount to the penny. (I also paid down some the amount of the hotel he rented for them when she is here in a couple of weeks). This is raising my credit score and again lowering the split debt. Until it no longer works, I'm keeping them intertwined. Of course if she moves here in two weeks, that may change quickly Is this the advice from your lawyer?
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*Marjorie*
Full Member
Posts: 360
Location: Hawaii
Jun 26, 2014 16:43:45 GMT
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Post by *Marjorie* on Jan 3, 2022 5:06:30 GMT
Why are the mortgage and big bills coming out of your money if he makes that kind of money? I don't understand. Enlighten me.
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,394
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Jan 3, 2022 5:19:09 GMT
If there were one thing I regret following my divorce, it is jumping back too soon into the dating pool. My ex cheated on me and I wanted to feel like someone wanted me again. After I had been single for a few years I realized that people who are just getting out of a marriage have too much sh*t to work through.
Relax. Your HS friend will still be there in the future. You are vulnerable and needy right now. I encourage you to take time for yourself, get through your divorce, plan your new life and not worry about any kind of relationships.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Jan 3, 2022 5:53:55 GMT
My answer is no. It may be innocent, but in this day of instant photos at any given time.......you don't need someone that knows your soon to be ex-husband to take a photo of what you think will be an innocent situation, and send it to your ex-husband, that photo could be used against you. A hug, a hand on your arm, a hello or goodbye kiss on the cheek, a look, etc.. can be platonic and innocent.....but twisted into >> "she's seeing someone too" and used against you n divorce court. Your intention may be friends only, but his may be more than friends. My honest opinion is, you were taken by surprise and life as you know it changed in a matter of seconds. Your life, is currently in a state of upheaval, figuring out your next move, navigating this through this difficult time, tons of emotions, feeling lonely, etc.... You need to focus on you and your well being, you and your children getting what is right and what you do deserve in the divorce split and settlement. Wait until this current chapter of your life is completely closed, done, finished, over, etc... before you even think about beginning a new chapter with someone else, platonic or not. Totally this. It would be wise for you to avoid any appearance of impropriety until after all this is all settled (if only so you can take him for all he's worth). And also, for your own mental health, there's undoubtedly a lot of work to do before you have healed from all of this pain and are free to offer the best version of yourself to anyone.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 3, 2022 20:29:02 GMT
I don't have feelings for him further than friendship. I do know he still remembers what we were like in hs. We are fb friends, nothing more currently. This is why I came here. I think I was missing something last night and I almost just asked if he wanted to do dinner Friday but decided to sleep on it. For me, it would be as a friend only. I'm sure I just want to fill the void. Fwiw- no feelings about hs. I just didn't think it was appropriate to have a relationship or friendship with males from hs...probably to avoid the perception or opportunity for a trip back in time. I agree that you don't want to take the risk this guy; could ruin the friendship. But the one who gives you butterflies? Go for it. Your dh has made his choice. You're legally married, but that's just a technicality at this point. Live your life.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 3, 2022 21:41:35 GMT
i don't think there is anything wrong with spending time with friends regardless of whether they are male or female. there is nothing inappropriate about it. the ship of impropriety sailed a long time ago when the side piece came into the picture. if you are certain the companionship is for friendship only, i see nothing wrong with going out for a few hours. enjoy yourself!
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Post by MissBianca on Jan 3, 2022 22:03:49 GMT
1. It’s never a good idea to use a friend as the rebound guy. You will lose the relationship and more importantly you will lose the friendship.
2. There’s a reason why the review mirror is smaller than the windshield. Glance backwards, look forward. HS was what 30 years ago? Let it go and find something fresh and new once all the family drama has played out.
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tutu
Shy Member
Posts: 15
Feb 25, 2020 14:27:49 GMT
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Post by tutu on Jan 3, 2022 22:12:49 GMT
I think you need to work on uncomplicating your life instead of worrying about dirty dishes and mini fridges. Do what you're gonna do as if he weren't there, cook what you want, put the leftovers away like you normally would...and if dirty dishes bug you, clean them. It's your house, keep it the way you like.
Transporting dirty dishes in a bucket to the basement, ugh. Who wants that drill. Be mad and all but revenge of the dishes won't get ya anywhere. Work on the big stuff like separating and divorcing. You and son are #1s now and everything you do should be in service of that. Stacking his dishes on his bed - does that serve you or your son in a positive way? Probably not.
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2022 22:22:46 GMT
If there were one thing I regret following my divorce, it is jumping back too soon into the dating pool. My ex cheated on me and I wanted to feel like someone wanted me again. After I had been single for a few years I realized that people who are just getting out of a marriage have too much sh*t to work through.Relax. Your HS friend will still be there in the future. You are vulnerable and needy right now. I encourage you to take time for yourself, get through your divorce, plan your new life and not worry about any kind of relationships. 1000% this. Take time to get your heart and mind healed. Learn to stand on your own two feet. Learn who you are.
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Post by CardBoxer on Jan 3, 2022 22:27:03 GMT
Separate from whether it’s a good idea or not emotionally, before seeing/dating anyone - old HS guy, butterfly guy, someone new - maybe touch base with your lawyer. Like a couple others have pointed out, you don’t want to do anything that will give the sh*t box ammunition. He and his lawyer could twist a very innocent situation to benefit him financially. Don’t underestimate how ugly it could get. Is it fair? No, but you need to protect yourself.
And no decent person would stroll in, eat what the person they’ve kicked in the teeth made and leave the mess. A civil reminder that for all intents and purposes you are separated since he’s chosen to leave, so cooking, laundry, cleaning is also separate is a civil way to handle it without being used.
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Post by lisae on Jan 3, 2022 22:34:12 GMT
There’s a reason why the review mirror is smaller than the windshield. I love this!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jan 4, 2022 1:15:36 GMT
You’ve gotten some good advice here. I’m going to chime in and reiterate that you are in no way ready to date or even think about another relationship. You’re not out of your current one. You did not initiate the end of your marriage, but you do have to figure out how to go on from here. I second everyone saying one on one therapy would be good for you. You need to figure out yourself if you want a successful relationship with someone else. You’ve been married for a long time, it’s time to figure out what YOU want for your future.
I understand that your self esteem has taken a huge hit. I would be careful you don’t hurt others just to boost yours. Sleeping on it and asking for objective advice is always a good idea. If not the peas, a trusted friend or therapist. There is no hurry, the rest of your life has just begun.
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