Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 14:21:36 GMT
Ugh, this just sucks.
I was visiting my DS in DC this week and got a confirmation email from an airline for my ex DH and the woman I assumed he had an affair with 4 years ago. The email was to a shared family account tied to that Airline rewards program (which was actually awarded to me, but that's another story).
I was like WTF?! I guess they are together. My DS never speaks to me about my ex so even though he's known about the affair and the fact that they are living toghether, he never said anything to me about it.
I feel like I'm re-living the past and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I put it out of my mind so it didn't ruin the trip but now I'm dreaming about it and it's all come back to hit me in the face. You'd think I'd be over it 4 years later.
She and her then husband used to be friends with us and come over a lot so I know who she is even though I was always closer to the husband.
Nothing like having to re-live feelings you thought had been dealt with long ago.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 13, 2022 14:24:25 GMT
What a gut punch for you. I am sorry.
I hope you can dream of happy things instead of this dirty water.
Hugs to you.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 13, 2022 14:30:01 GMT
I'm sorry. I'm sure that was a punch in the gut.
Allow yourself to feel it; to understand it and recognize that this is similar to PTSD - you are reliving those feelings.
This will pass and you'll get past it - don't try to push the feelings away, but just reassure yourself that you WILL feel better.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 13, 2022 14:36:34 GMT
Oh boy - I can see that would hurt. I had an unfaithful husband, and if any of his affairs came up now in the way you experienced, I know it would take me right back to those days. I agree with peabay: this will pass with time. But it sucks to have to walk through that mud again. |
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Post by auntkelly on Apr 13, 2022 14:37:37 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how angry and hurt I would be in your situation. I would probably need therapy to get past my anger.
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Post by gar on Apr 13, 2022 14:40:17 GMT
Ugh, what a slap in the face  |
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Post by workingclassdog on Apr 13, 2022 14:42:06 GMT
That is a gut punch. My poor sister had a similar situation with her scumbag ex. Found out he was having random sex with women IN bars near the beginning of their marriage. It was confirmed by his now ex-friend. And there is proof online. She spent years trying to save her marriage. If she knew about this then, she would have ended it quiet sooner.
Things come up here and there for her as well. But she just takes a deep breath and moves on.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 13, 2022 14:51:46 GMT
I'm so sorry - take care of you!
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 14:59:40 GMT
Thanks all. I just hadn't thought of it for years and then BAM smack in the face.
DS was upset about how I found out but said he's glad I know so he didn't have to keep it secret anymore. I'm glad he feels relief and I'm sure it will get better, it's just re-living all of those feelings again.
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Post by scraphop on Apr 13, 2022 15:05:28 GMT
I know just how you feel. I got confirmation a couple of months ago about suspected affair. Apparently they are together and she is 18 years younger than my ex. We’ve been divorced about 4 years and some days it’s still hard to deal with.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407 
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Apr 13, 2022 15:05:43 GMT
It'll pass, but let yourself feel the feelings.
And have this be a reminder that he's your ex for a reason.
I think many of us know exactly how you feel.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 15:08:50 GMT
I know just how you feel. I got confirmation a couple of months ago about suspected affair. Apparently they are together and she is 18 years younger than my ex. We’ve been divorced about 4 years and some days it’s still hard to deal with. Ugh I'm sorry. I know the feeling. I'm mad at myself for letting this bother me but I think I just need time to process it. In the end, it doesn't matter and I'm happier now but the fact that it was confirmed is really getting to me. |
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Post by malibou on Apr 13, 2022 15:11:18 GMT
Ugh, I'm sorry.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 13, 2022 15:14:42 GMT
I remember when this happened and you were dealing w/so much. I thought he was a pig. Apparently, I was right. Take good, loving care of yourself and know that we're on your side!
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Post by Skellinton on Apr 13, 2022 15:17:48 GMT
I am sorry, that just sucks.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 13, 2022 15:19:14 GMT
Thanks all. I just hadn't thought of it for years and then BAM smack in the face. DS was upset about how I found out but said he's glad I know so he didn't have to keep it secret anymore. I'm glad he feels relief and I'm sure it will get better, it's just re-living all of those feelings again. What a burden on him to have to keep that secret. |
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 15:20:56 GMT
I remember when this happened and you were dealing w/so much. I thought he was a pig. Apparently, I was right. Take good, loving care of yourself and know that we're on your side! He is indeed, a pig. Nothing has changed there except I think he's now more of a pig than ever! |
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 15:21:59 GMT
Thanks all. I just hadn't thought of it for years and then BAM smack in the face. DS was upset about how I found out but said he's glad I know so he didn't have to keep it secret anymore. I'm glad he feels relief and I'm sure it will get better, it's just re-living all of those feelings again. What a burden on him to have to keep that secret. Definteily. I'm so glad he feels he can be open now and know that I can handle it. I would have never wished him to keep secret about it but he felt like he needed to. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 13, 2022 15:22:07 GMT
I remember when this happened and you were dealing w/so much. I thought he was a pig. Apparently, I was right. Take good, loving care of yourself and know that we're on your side! He is indeed, a pig. Nothing has changed there except I think he's now more of a pig than ever! He's a super dee-dooper mega pig!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 13, 2022 15:32:31 GMT
What a burden on him to have to keep that secret. Definteily. I'm so glad he feels he can be open now and know that I can handle it. I would have never wished him to keep secret about it but he felt like he needed to. Sounds like a great, empathic kid who didn't want his mom to be hurt. |
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Post by mayceesgranny on Apr 13, 2022 15:39:20 GMT
So sorry you are dealing with this! I helped a good friend while she was going thru a cheating situation with her dh over 7 years ago. They did remain together, but she still struggles with the reminders and unfortunately she has some rough days when the reminders pop up. She calls me her everyday counselor and we will sit and hash it out and afterwards she can put it in perspective.
She says she wants to forgive and forget but some days its so difficult and the feelings are hard to deal with. I found it interesting that her "real" counselor told her that she is experiencing a type of PTSD because the way she found out about the affair was very traumatic.
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Post by jovifan on Apr 13, 2022 15:57:09 GMT
Its reopening a wound that hurt deeply.
I have been divorced 11 years and sometimes I still get triggered. It comes out of nowhere. I get it.
Just remind yourself that you are doing better than you were. Think about how far you have come in the last 4 years! Give yourself grace and try and remember the positives from the craptastic situation.
Work through your feelings. You'll get through it!
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 13, 2022 16:18:16 GMT
I feel like I'm re-living the past and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I put it out of my mind so it didn't ruin the trip but now I'm dreaming about it and it's all come back to hit me in the face. You'd think I'd be over it 4 years later. I'm saying this as gently as possible, but it really sounds like you never dealt with the affair at the time of the divorce. I know you have had a horrible experience health wise and so much to deal with on top of the divorce and don't mean this as a criticism, just a realization that some betrayals still need to be faced and worked through.  DS was upset about how I found out but said he's glad I know so he didn't have to keep it secret anymore. I'm glad he feels relief and I'm sure it will get better, it's just re-living all of those feelings again. He's a good son and felt he needed to protect you, but the more time passes, the more awkward it is to start that conversation. I'm sure he is relieved to have it out there and not have to curate what he says or worry about accidentally slipping up. |
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 13, 2022 16:28:37 GMT
I feel like I'm re-living the past and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I put it out of my mind so it didn't ruin the trip but now I'm dreaming about it and it's all come back to hit me in the face. You'd think I'd be over it 4 years later. I'm saying this as gently as possible, but it really sounds like you never dealt with the affair at the time of the divorce. I know you have had a horrible experience health wise and so much to deal with on top of the divorce and don't mean this as a criticism, just a realization that some betrayals still need to be faced and worked through. . For sure- it was never officially confirmed just very strongly suspected so I'm having to deal with the reality now and the fact that they are still together. it's definitely reopening old wounds. |
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Post by jenjie on Apr 13, 2022 16:33:17 GMT
I’m so sorry. Even if you suspected then, it still hurts to learn and for it to come to the forefront these years later.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 13, 2022 17:12:16 GMT
sorry for the gut punch but at least your suspicions were confirmed. good for you for moving on.
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Post by lisae on Apr 13, 2022 17:31:59 GMT
I'm sorry. There are some things you just never need to know.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 12:27:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2022 17:47:29 GMT
I’m sorry that you are hurting, but I’m glad your son is relieved that you now know.
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Post by delila on Apr 13, 2022 17:49:41 GMT
I’m so very sorry this has happened to you.
You are dealing with PTSD so please be so very very gentle on yourself.
We think we are over it and something hits us and we are right back to the day we found out about the affair or suspected the affair. That’s when the PTSD hits us so hard that it practically knocks us off our feet and we can see ourselves wearing those very same clothes, know where we were standing, what the weather was like, everything, when our world was torn apart from us.
From that day forward our lives are forever changed. We look at people differently , trust differently and love differently.
Please take care of yourself. PTSD isn’t something to take lightly.
I have spoken to women who’s husbands cheated 30-50 years ago. The women stayed for various reasons but most of them have not ever been the same.
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nursema
Full Member
Posts: 352
Mar 1, 2022 10:14:32 GMT
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Post by nursema on Apr 13, 2022 18:04:19 GMT
I'm saying this as gently as possible, but it really sounds like you never dealt with the affair at the time of the divorce. I know you have had a horrible experience health wise and so much to deal with on top of the divorce and don't mean this as a criticism, just a realization that some betrayals still need to be faced and worked through. . For sure- it was never officially confirmed just very strongly suspected so I'm having to deal with the reality now and the fact that they are still together. it's definitely reopening old wounds. The good thing about this is that with confirmation, you are able to process and deal with the reality now, instead of just the possibility. In my experience, that was a good thing. Accepting and working through feelings based on facts led to true healing, and that wasn’t possible when I was dealing with suspicions or even “strong probabilities”. For me, that healing process involved dreaming about it in the beginning, which happened less and less over time. There was something comforting about knowing that my brain was working through it even as I slept. My amazing therapist assured me that those dreams were a healthy sign. I imagine you may now be able to have some degree of inner resolution regarding this aspect of your divorce that you hadn’t yet been able to find. Prayers for healing and big hugs to you! Affairs are about the cheater, NOT the one betrayed… |
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