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Post by librarylady on Jun 26, 2022 21:48:33 GMT
Since no one in my family is getting married, this is strictly an information/opinion gathering question.
Dear Abby's column today has a mother upset because oldest son is getting married and did not ask younger brother to be a groomsman. It (to me) seemed to be worded in such a way that the mother thought siblings SHOULD be in the wedding party. My opinion:
It is nice it the couple invites siblings to be in the wedding party, but it is not a "given" that siblings are in the wedding party.
Perhaps it is because my family is so large that it would have been impossible for all to have been in the wedding, that the thought never occurred to me. I did have a sister as my Maid of Honor.
Do you think the unwritten rule is that siblings are in the wedding party?
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 26, 2022 21:53:40 GMT
My husband and I both have siblings and none of them were in our wedding party. I was not that close to my SIL so I didn’t want to ask her, my brother and husband are close but I didn’t want to set any kind of expectations from anyone so we opted for friends only.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 26, 2022 21:54:23 GMT
I do think it is an unwritten rule (to the point that a friend of mine decided not to have a wedding party to avoid inevitable family conflicts). It's rough, I think, because siblings often do know that they aren't close or have a poor relationship, but/and something like not being included in the wedding party really highlights it.
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Post by SockMonkey on Jun 26, 2022 21:55:51 GMT
DH and I each have a brother. Mine was a groomsman, his brother was not. DH is closer to my brother than his. (DH's brother was an "usher" and basically did nothing except drink free booze. Thankfully he's grown up since then (even though he's DH's older brother).
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Post by Linda on Jun 26, 2022 21:59:12 GMT
meh - but my family isn't big into traditional weddings...my parents married at a registry office - my older sister had a small wedding (I was the flower girl...I was only 2) and then her 2nd wedding was just a civil ceremony (no family there), I eloped to the courthouse, my younger sister had a traditional first wedding but I wasn't in the wedding party (my older kids were jr usher and flower girl) and her stepkids were the attendants at her second wedding.
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Post by gar on Jun 26, 2022 22:01:51 GMT
I admit I would have been upset if my DD hadn’t had my other DD as her bridesmaid- mainly because I know she would have been hurt not to have been asked. But that was my reason, I get that. I guess I do think it’s a bit of an unwritten code though because not to will always make people wonder why. And because it’s a little sad if they aren’t close enough to want their sibling to have a special role in their big day.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jun 26, 2022 22:15:13 GMT
I think people should do whatever the f*ck they want when they get married. Siblings invited or not, in the wedding party or not, white dress, black dress, catered, buffet, pizza delivery. If people followed real rules and laws as religiously as they followed Emily Post's, the world would be a better place
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Post by littlemama on Jun 26, 2022 22:43:22 GMT
My only regret about our wedding is that dh did not stand up to his mom when she insisted his brother HAD to be best man. We always say that our true best man was dh's cousin, who was a groomsman.
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Post by KikiPea on Jun 26, 2022 23:00:09 GMT
This was 25 years ago, but my brother sang, and was an usher. My SIL was not in the wedding party, but our two nieces were. Did we have to ask them? No, but we were glad they participated.
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leeny
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Post by leeny on Jun 26, 2022 23:09:35 GMT
My sisters didn't even go to our marriage ceremony (no big wedding for us), so my best friend was my maid of honor and my husband's best friend was his best man. I was an attendant at my #2 & #3 sister's weddings. DD #1 had DD #2 as her maid of honor and no additional attendants, and her husband had his brother as his best man.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 26, 2022 23:11:08 GMT
To my mother it was a must. She would not have taken it well if my sister and I weren't each others maid of honors. We were never close, but did what was expected.
I have 4 kids, I have no expectations of what they should and shouldn't do. My only hope is that they wouldn't choose to have 2 of their 3 siblings in the wedding party, leaving one out. I am certain that wouldn't happen because they all get along pretty well. Have all, have none...doesn't matter to me.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Jun 27, 2022 3:05:02 GMT
I skipped the wedding party at my wedding. I had a maid of honor and he had his best man and that was it. So much aggravation avoided!
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jun 27, 2022 4:47:14 GMT
Apparently I was expected to have a flower girl and ring bearer. I made a person mad, but if it wasn't that then it would have been something else. I didn't have kids at my very small wedding.
I wasn't able to logistically do exactly what I wanted to do so I wasn't compromising on other things.
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Post by lucyg on Jun 27, 2022 6:00:10 GMT
We had all of our siblings in our wedding party. Because we wanted to. I don’t consider it any kind of an obligation.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Jun 27, 2022 8:34:59 GMT
I had my two sisters as bridesmaids, but my brothers (four of them!) were not in the wedding party. DH had his younger brother and a good friend, but not his older brother. Looking back, I think he should have asked his older brother, even though I didn't like him much at the time, and we have rarely seen the friend since our wedding.
My older DS had his younger brother, brother in law and a good friend in his party. His wife had her sister and two friends - who are now the godmothers of their two children. I think that was a good mix, and obviously, they have all kept in touch and are still all very close.
I do think some people see asking siblings as an obligation. As with many other wedding 'obligations', I believe the couple should do what they want.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 10:09:55 GMT
I don't think it's a given that siblings should have a specific role at a wedding.
Groomsmen and ushers are the same in the UK. Generally the bride has her bridesmaid/s and the groom has a best man and ushers. It's up to them who they have. I think it depends on the make up of the family really, how close the siblings are, their age etc. DH had his best friend as his best man. His brother is 12 years younger than him, far to young to be a best man but we did have him as an usher along with 3 other friends of DH. There was no drama and certainly no expectations from anyone. I had my sister as my chief bridesmaid along with 2 of my 4 very best friends. The other two were already married with daughters of their own so we had them as flower girls rather than their mothers. I wasn't a bridesmaid to my sister, I didn't want to be, there was no animosity about it. She respected my decision. We are very close so we understand each other very well. I was still able to support her leading up to the wedding and on the day, in many ways. She then found it difficult to choose between her best friends so she opted just to have DD as her only bridesmaid/flower girl. She was 3 at the time.
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maryannscraps
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Post by maryannscraps on Jun 27, 2022 10:58:29 GMT
I don't think it's a given, although it certainly is common. IMO the bride and groom get to choose the people they want. We had our siblings in the wedding party because we were (38 years ago) and still are very close with them and consider them some of the most important people in our lives.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 27, 2022 11:53:48 GMT
well I am still pissed I was not in my brother's wedding. She had all her sisters and a friend YET I am his only sister. Our brother was best man...pretty sure it was because I was not a size 4...
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Jun 27, 2022 12:00:39 GMT
my ex-SIL has issues, very moody, self-conscious about her weight, has a bad temper, not interested in social events, *hates* getting her photo taken - asking her to be in my wedding party would have been a NIGHTMARE for everyone, but most importantly for her. she offered to make the centre pieces for the tables, which were beautiful and "behind the scenes" so right up her alley.
so since i had 3 friends, it didn't seem fair to expect ex to have my brother in his party. i think my bro was a bit disappointed, but understood those were my ex's 3 best friends. we were not super close (but i think he thinks maybe we are closer).
weddings are mine fields of expectations and hurt feelings, doesn't have to be that way, but can be.
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Post by auntkelly on Jun 27, 2022 13:27:23 GMT
In general, I think it is nice when siblings are in the wedding party.
However, there are lots of valid reasons why siblings are sometimes not included in the wedding party.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 27, 2022 13:48:59 GMT
We just had two weddings. One was just the bride and groom standing up with no one else and the other the groom had his brother and the bride had her sisters.
It can be however you want. I think that mom should realize she's already had her wedding the way she wanted and should let her son do the same.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 27, 2022 13:52:05 GMT
I think people should do whatever the f*ck they want when they get married. Siblings invited or not, in the wedding party or not, white dress, black dress, catered, buffet, pizza delivery. If people followed real rules and laws as religiously as they followed Emily Post's, the world would be a better place When both of my sons got engaged, I told my soon to be daughters-in-law that it was their wedding and the only thing I really hoped for was to be invited.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Jun 27, 2022 13:59:26 GMT
I am an only child. DH had his brother as his best man, and I had SIL as a bridesmaid (wasn't pressured, just thought it was the done thing). She was useless. No help or support at all. I regret asking her.
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Post by grammadee on Jun 27, 2022 14:16:10 GMT
Do you think the unwritten rule is that siblings are in the wedding party? I think that every family has its own set of unwritten--and often unspoken--rules, and in planning a wedding you quickly become aware that other people have different ideas about what "should" happen. That being said, I was happy that my oldest son's wedding had all his siblings in the wedding party. But that was not because of any sugestion from me. All my kids planned their own weddings the way they and their partners envisioned them.
Interested to know what Abby had to say?
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 27, 2022 14:19:44 GMT
We had both my and stbx's brother as groomsmen. I would have found a way to put ny brother somewhere in NY wedding party had stbx not. I also had my brother's wife as a bridesmaid.
Honestly, by the time we got married, I didn't have a lot of close friends to have asked.
I would hope my kids have each other as they are friends as well as siblings, but they don't have to. I would think that if one sibling was not going to have another, then they should talk to that sibling early in the process.
But I have a close family...I don't know what others do.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Jun 27, 2022 14:32:55 GMT
Conversations like this remind me why I eloped. While I'm sure every family has its unwritten rules of what you should do, no one is entitled to be in anyone else's wedding party.
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Post by ntsf on Jun 27, 2022 16:51:08 GMT
I'm of the idea that the wedding is not mine.. it is the couple's. my son just got married last month, and they paid for it.. as the other mom wanted certain things.. and I was used as a buffer against that obligation to listen to family. my daughter in law had a best man of honor, and my son had his best friend as his best man.
my daughter got married in new zealand and her twin sister didn't even come from the states as it would have been too much. my son was there. but not part of wedding party.. just helped as he was asked. when she had a second USA ceremony, her sister spoke at the wedding, but not part of wedding party. all were happy.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 27, 2022 17:36:07 GMT
I think that mom should realize she's already had her wedding the way she wanted and should let her son do the same. I think sometimes the only wedding a mom gets the way she wants it is when her kids get married because she didn't have the wedding she wanted, she had the wedding her mom wanted. And so on and so on. In my family there was never pressure or an expectation that the bride & groom's siblings be included in the wedding party. I was a bridesmaid for 2 sisters. DH was his brother's best man and a groomsman for his sis. None of them were in our wedding party. We each had one person stand up with us. The only ones bitterly disappointed at the time were three nieces expecting to be flower girls and/or junior bridesmaids. The disappointed junior bridesmaid definitely got over it and had our kids in her wedding party.
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mich5481
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Post by mich5481 on Jun 27, 2022 18:18:54 GMT
well I am still pissed I was not in my brother's wedding. She had all her sisters and a friend YET I am his only sister. Our brother was best man...pretty sure it was because I was not a size 4... Try not even being invited to the bridal shower, bachelorette party, or even get mani/pedis before the wedding - yet I was still expected to help with the rehearsal dinner, setting up for the wedding, and even trying to help find a hair dresser willing to get hair ready for an 11:00 a.m. wedding on New Year's DAY. 😡👎
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 27, 2022 18:25:21 GMT
Apparently I was expected to have a flower girl and ring bearer. I made a person mad, but if it wasn't that then it would have been something else. I didn't have kids at my very small wedding. I wasn't able to logistically do exactly what I wanted to do so I wasn't compromising on other things. Ha ha. I asked someone to be my flower girl. I then got a call from someone else in my husband's family telling me that her daughter was going to be my flower girl and that she had already bought her excited daughter a dress.
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