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Post by myboysnme on Jul 6, 2022 22:35:01 GMT
Personally I think the person who pays for the obit gets to have their say. This guy must have been so much worse than this writer can even convey. If I found this obit for an ancestor on Ancestry.com it would tell me a whole lot. Family dysfunction gets passed down and alters the dna. I appreciate knowing the real deal.
I don't know who wrote my dad's but it should have been me. I wouldn't have gone this route but I probably could have. People like this guy cause lots of harm to those left behind, or subjected to them in life.
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Post by quinlove on Jul 6, 2022 22:37:54 GMT
I don’t know the family in the obit posted. But, I do *know* naby64. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand how you feel. If you do not have people in your life that are able to really hear you - please contact me. Or, any pea who you feel comfortable to converse with, if this can be of any support to you. ❤️
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Elsabelle
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Posts: 3,680 
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Post by Elsabelle on Jul 6, 2022 23:12:15 GMT
I probably wouldn't publish that but that doesn't mean I expect others to make the same choice. I don't think his family owes him a fake obit or even their silence. I also don't think they should feel obligated to take the high road. I'm in no position to tell them what to do with their pain and resentment.
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 7, 2022 0:44:45 GMT
naby64 my heart broke reading your response. I know you have mentioned that there were problems with your husband, but reading your post made me just want to get in my car and drive where ever you are and give you a hug. I am so sorry, I can’t even imagine how hard seeing your husband and father of your children change like that.
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ComplicatedLady
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Posts: 3,083
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Jul 7, 2022 3:28:59 GMT
i imagine that's really cathartic to read, if you're going thru or have gone thru something similar with a parent. knowing you're not alone. i can see why they published it. At first, I didn’t understand the point of writing something like this. If he’s dead, he’s dead and maybe they should let sleeping assholes lie. Reading this made me think again. Thank you for sharing this (potential) perspective. |
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MerryMom
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Posts: 2,564
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 7, 2022 4:17:41 GMT
Sometimes, you just get tired of always “taking the high road”.
I don’t think it reflects badly on the children at all.
Especially the last sentence.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jul 7, 2022 14:14:16 GMT
I can not stand listening to anyone make a saint out of a sinner after death and imagine none of these children had any interest in listening to that either. So they* made it clear in the obituary. * ETA it was written by his eldest son. This is an article about him and the response he has been getting. This is kind of what I was thinking. The son/family probably didn't want to hear from community members, dad's friends, strangers, etc saying how wonderful he was and how much he'd be missed. My husband would be in the same position as this family. I don't think he would publish something like this, but he sure as hell wouldn't sit there and nod his head to people coming to say what a "great" guy my FIL was... |
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Post by alsomsknit on Jul 7, 2022 15:06:44 GMT
Well, I will be the voice of...dissent, maybe? I could almost see my ODS writing that for his dad sans the additional children and physical abuse. My DH is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He has lost 2 very well paying jobs to his addictions. He now sits at home everyday, doing little to nothing. Oh he unloads the dishwasher and does the laundry when the hamper gets full. He takes the dogs for a ride every day instead of walking them like they both need(him and the middle pup). But he does his "meditating" while parked. No yard work gets done unless I say "does the lawn mower have gas? I need to cut the very small patch of yard that does grow in the back". No, I'll do it. But not until I say something to him. He has watched me rake up and bag up, trim bushes, clean up the back yard. Does he come out to help? nope. But hey, he has paid off our mortgage, we have been able to purchase 2 cars in these last 4 yrs of him not working. Provided funds for my yearly wellness check-ups, even though he refuses hasn't gotten even with me begging to get medical insurance. "i'll take care of it. if you need to see the doctor, go see him. i'll pay for it." God forbid either of us have some medical catastrophic issue. I think I am close with some chest pains and something suspicious on my face. "How do we pay for possible chemo/treatments, hospital stays, surgery?" blank look on his face. So yeah, I am bitter and my ODS has had enough of the crap. So he would write it and I would most likely sign off on it. I loved the man I married but he is not that man now. ETA: I would love to have the peace that jeremysgirl seems to have. I haven't found that yet. It is a hard fight every day to smile and wave, smile and wave. ETAA: And most people, who don't know him intimately or worked with him, think he's a great guy. They don't see what we see within the four walls. So much this!! My father was horrible to us. He provided for our needs: home, food, clothes. He was at best neglectful. At worst, abusive. The viewing and funeral was brutal. Listening to all the stories of what a great guy he was. Learned he would go stay with one of his nephews for weeks at a time. How helpful he was when he visited. Glowing stories. He gave everyone but his family his best. Our reality, he would call when he needed something. He would show up at my house once or twice a year, usually to show off a new vehicle or he needed something. He was verbally abusive. All I have ever felt is relief he is gone. |
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msladibug
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Post by msladibug on Jul 7, 2022 16:15:08 GMT
i think this is precisely why some people feel the need to set the record straight. i've sat thru some funerals with glowing eulogies of people who had less than stellar lives. what they didn't achieve in life, the eulogists or obituaries have rewritten. This. Abusers can be some of the most charming, well liked people in public. Watching people say what a wonderful man my molesting, pedophile grandfather was, just because he was in Kiwanis, Lions Club, Shriners, etc….made me want to throw up. And definitely made me want to scream the truth to everyone. I totally get where you’re/they’re coming from. I have no issue with them saying how they feel. I would have. |
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artbabe
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Post by artbabe on Jul 7, 2022 16:56:52 GMT
I honestly think that just publishing the birth and death dates and saying nothing else accomplishes the same thing and doesnt make the family look like a bunch of assholes. It would not accomplish the same thing. Not at all. This obit does not make the family look like assholes at all. I really felt for the person who wrote this. There is a lot of pain there. I'm sure it was good therapy to say those things about his father. I don't like victim blaming when the victim speaks out. I read the article about the man who wrote it and I felt for him even more. Sometimes you just need to have the last word. |
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Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2022 17:00:33 GMT
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zella
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Post by zella on Jul 7, 2022 19:50:56 GMT
Oh, I would LOVE to publish an obituary like that for my mother instead of the self-serving bullshit she herself wrote that conveniently ignored her husband of 30+ years and all 3 of her children. It is an act of getting the last word, yes, something that a narcissist of her level never let happen during her lifetime. It's a final "fuck you" that you didn't get to say during their lifetime. And oh, it would just feel sooooo good! I'm in therapy, but the best thing she ever did for me was die. I felt immediate freedom. I suspect this asshole's kids did too. Unless you've been there, unless you've had a wicked, selfish, awful person for a parent, you can't imagine. I can assure you this obit was deserved. They doubtless could've written much worse.
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Post by gar on Jul 7, 2022 20:05:14 GMT
it makes them look bad to post such a resentful obit. Resentful?! I should imagine they're a whole lot more than resentful and also I think they're more than entitled to have just a little bit of setting the record straight. |
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