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Post by Skellinton on Aug 11, 2022 14:07:00 GMT
Why would you lock your spouse out of the house at 10 pm (early in our household) when you knew he was coming home from a party one hour away? If you were spooked by someone (your dh ) trying to get in your house at 10 pm because you locked him out, I’m thinking that is on you. I locked the door because I was getting in the shower. 10 pm is not early in our household, it is bedtime. I was expecting the heads up call before his arrival, had that happened I would have been expecting him and not been scared (or in the shower). I also had no idea he hadn't taken his keys. He has never not taken his keys before. I did not lock the door to "lock him out". I locked the door because that is standard household operating procedure. Front door is locked if you are in the backyard, garage etc, any place you can't hear someone come in the front door. Our house is locked all the time, unless we are taking out the garbage or getting something out of the car. We both always have our house keys when we go out, but we do have a coded lock box with a key if necessary. I don't think locking the house is all unusual, I am actually surprised people don't keep their door locked. Regarding the original question, I don't think it is rude, but I would say inconsiderate since you specifically asked. I have a long commute with work, well, not distance long but trafficy so I always text my husband when I leave work so he knows "when to worry" as he says. I also text after I am visiting my mom to let him know I am on my way home for the same reason. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get home, sometimes less then 30 minutes. When he drives long distances he texts me when he arrives. I don't think it is that unusual or controlling. I would be freaked the hell right out if anyone was peeping in our windows or saying my name outside our window anytime of day. Obviously I would figure out quickly who it was if it was my husband, but the initial shock would scare me. At 10 o'clock I would be thinking it was Ghost face and this was how I was going to die. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 11, 2022 15:03:00 GMT
Makes sense.😀 I still wouldn't classify him as not calling you as rude, but I can understand your being startled when he didn't let himself in. Yes, letting himself in without the call would have surprised me, but it wouldn't have scared me. What I got instead was this sequence of events: exit bathroom after shower, see that cats are agitated, see security light in backyard has been tripped, hear thumping on front door, approach door wearing only bathrobe, only at that point seeing it is DH. If I was locked out, it would never occur to me to go into the backyard and look through the windows, I would use my cell phone to call and say, hey I'm here, let me in please. I’ll validate you on the thumping on the door and wandering around the back yard. BOTH of those should have startled me at 10pm and I’m a night owl. We keep our doors locked all of the time. Not just for thieves. When we were first married, a friend of DH’s wandered in at an inopportune time.  We’ve never made that mistake again! |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 11, 2022 15:18:06 GMT
not rude... perhaps discourteous, or just forgetful. I have done the same myself; telling my DH I'll let him know when I'm on my way, and then forgetting to do it in my rush to just 'get home.'
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955 
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 17:04:41 GMT
I would be thinking it was Ghost face and this was how I was going to die. This is my absolute favorite comment on this entire thread. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 11, 2022 17:08:52 GMT
I would say he was inconsiderate, but like you said, he inconvenienced himself when you were in the shower!
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Post by Prenticekid on Aug 11, 2022 17:26:44 GMT
Not rude. Forgetful, maybe. You did know he would be home at some point. And you knew a general time frame. The consequences were on him. He may remember better next time.
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Post by busy on Aug 11, 2022 17:39:14 GMT
His safety. DH is 68 years old, his night vision is absolute crap, he hasn't driven after dark in years and really isn't the best driver even during daylight. And other road users safety too by the sound of it! Yikes! For real! Why is he driving in these circumstances?  |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 17:49:41 GMT
And other road users safety too by the sound of it! Yikes! For real! Why is he driving in these circumstances? I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these circumstances. I should add that some of the more obvious solutions aren't available. There is no public transportation here, I am not comfortable driving at night either, a rideshare would cost upwards of $200. The only options I see are forbidding him to attend his grandchild's birthday party or telling the hosts they have to reschedule their party to accomodate our circumstances. Option one is even more infantalizing than asking for a phone call and also damages his mental health by forcing him into social isolation. Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. |
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Post by busy on Aug 11, 2022 17:59:37 GMT
For real! Why is he driving in these circumstances? I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these cricumstances. You go along and drive. He carpools with someone else who drives. He takes public transportation or Uber. He doesn't go. That's like saying "open to ideas to prevent these circumstances" to a drunk driver. You just don't drive if you're not safe. Period. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 11, 2022 18:00:49 GMT
I’m more disconcerted that you’re annoyed about him not calling, but okay with the night blindness and driving.
Your updates with his “meh” responses to you bringing up his lack of phone call (more than once) makes me wonder what is really underlying all this.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 18:11:43 GMT
I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these cricumstances. You go along and drive. He carpools with someone else who drives. He takes public transportation or Uber. He doesn't go. That's like saying "open to ideas to prevent these circumstances" to a drunk driver. You just don't drive if you're not safe. Period. We were posting at the same time. Carpooling would be great, but like I said, we live an hour away. All the other guests live quite close. It wouldn't be carpooling, it would be come get me and take me back. I honestly don't know if he is "not safe". Like I said, he hasn't driven at night in several years so I don't know where he's at now. I said he isn't the best driver during the day, by which I mean I am a better driver. He isn't getting into accidents. It's more like not noticing he's going a little fast, which many many people do, according to the speeding thread we had the other day. |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 18:15:57 GMT
I’m more disconcerted that you’re annoyed about him not calling, but okay with the night blindness and driving. At no point did I say I was okay with night blindness. Do you see as well driving at night as you do during the day? No, you don't. Nobody does. Everybody has some degree of night blindness. At what point do you decide that all these people are a menace and take away their keys? |
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Post by busy on Aug 11, 2022 18:27:44 GMT
For real! Why is he driving in these circumstances? I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these circumstances. I should add that some of the more obvious solutions aren't available. There is no public transportation here, I am not comfortable driving at night either, a rideshare would cost upwards of $200. The only options I see are forbidding him to attend his grandchild's birthday party or telling the hosts they have to reschedule their party to accomodate our circumstances. Option one is even more infantalizing than asking for a phone call and also damages his mental health by forcing him into social isolation. Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. I get where you’re coming from but this isn’t just about him. If impaired drivers only posed risks to themselves, meh. But they don’t. If he turns into the wrong side of a median because “his night vision is crap,” he could kill someone. I seem to recall you not having a lot of sympathy for Anne Heche, who caused a very serious incident and risked others, potentially due to a health issue. Why aren’t you equally concerned about the potential risk your husband poses to others? The fact that he hasn’t driven at night in “years” is all we need to know to know that he shouldn’t have been driving the other night either. No one avoids a routine part of life for that long just because. |
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Post by busy on Aug 11, 2022 18:28:28 GMT
I’m more disconcerted that you’re annoyed about him not calling, but okay with the night blindness and driving. At no point did I say I was okay with night blindness. Do you see as well driving at night as you do during the day? No, you don't. Nobody does. Everybody has some degree of night blindness. At what point do you decide that all these people are a menace and take away their keys? Dunno. Maybe they need controlled environments. |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 18:43:43 GMT
I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these circumstances. I should add that some of the more obvious solutions aren't available. There is no public transportation here, I am not comfortable driving at night either, a rideshare would cost upwards of $200. The only options I see are forbidding him to attend his grandchild's birthday party or telling the hosts they have to reschedule their party to accomodate our circumstances. Option one is even more infantalizing than asking for a phone call and also damages his mental health by forcing him into social isolation. Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. I get where you’re coming from but this isn’t just about him. If impaired drivers only posed risks to themselves, meh. But they don’t. If he turns into the wrong side of a median because “his night vision is crap,” he could kill someone. I seem to recall you not having a lot of sympathy for Anne Heche, who caused a very serious incident and risked others, potentially due to a health issue. Why aren’t you equally concerned about the potential risk your husband poses to others? The fact that he hasn’t driven at night in “years” is all we need to know to know that he shouldn’t have been driving the other night either. No one avoids a routine part of life for that long just because. You seem to recall things I didn't say. I wish you could have expressed your opinions more constructively and less antagonisticly. |
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lizacreates
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,919
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Post by lizacreates on Aug 11, 2022 19:05:28 GMT
For real! Why is he driving in these circumstances? I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these circumstances. I should add that some of the more obvious solutions aren't available. There is no public transportation here, I am not comfortable driving at night either, a rideshare would cost upwards of $200. The only options I see are forbidding him to attend his grandchild's birthday party or telling the hosts they have to reschedule their party to accomodate our circumstances. Option one is even more infantalizing than asking for a phone call and also damages his mental health by forcing him into social isolation. Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. I don’t know if this will help or not. I’m in my 70s and when I noticed I was having some difficulty seeing well enough during night driving, I was about 60, give or take, which is not at all unusual. I went for a comprehensive eye exam and mentioned it to the ophthalmologist at that time. He set me up with a separate pair of slightly-tinted prescription eyeglasses. I’ve owned several pairs of them over the years and they’ve always helped me tremendously. I still drive at night if I have to and have no trouble seeing well at all. Has he been checked for cataracts? |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 11, 2022 19:07:38 GMT
if someone has issues driving at night, and other family members schedule a gathering they would really like him to attend, I would think those family members would be HAPPY to either: 1) schedule it during the daytime on a day when most everyone could attend to accommodate his limitations; or 2) come to pick him up to make sure he can attend safely.
maybe he should just bring it up to them- if you don't ask, you'll never know if the answer might have been yes.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 11, 2022 19:08:37 GMT
I’m more disconcerted that you’re annoyed about him not calling, but okay with the night blindness and driving. At no point did I say I was okay with night blindness. Do you see as well driving at night as you do during the day? No, you don't. Nobody does. Everybody has some degree of night blindness. At what point do you decide that all these people are a menace and take away their keys? I don't have any night blindness whatsoever - my mother does so I'm very familiar with the issue and she does not drive at night - ever. This actually just came up as I sent my kid to drive her home after a family party as it went late and it was dark. An hour drive in the dark with someone who struggles with night blindness is really, really terrible - so I do understand your concern about wanting a text. Some of the adaptations my parents have made is to come early and leave early if someone else can't take them. My dad doesn't drive at all, so he's no longer an option. My one nephew lives about 45 minutes from my parents. So if they're planning a dinner party for their child, my parents would arrive early to see great-grandchild and stay as long as they can before heading home before dark. Most people are extremely understanding of some variation for aging grandparents for safety reasons - even my insane family. |
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Post by Jamie on Aug 11, 2022 19:14:04 GMT
Yeah no - not something I would expect my husband to do. If he's leaving to a friends house I will ask him if he knows when he'll be home. Or if he's been gone for a while and it's getting close to dinner time I will shoot him a text and ask if he will be home for dinner so I know if I should wait or fend for myself.
He does like me to check in with him if I'm headed up north to my cousins so he knows I got there ok. He will also shoot me a text when he heads south for his fishing weekends so I know he got there ok. He will at times let me know when they are headed home at the end of the weekend, again so I am able to gauge if I should wait or feed myself. We don't require it of each other, I just think it's nice when we do it so the other isn't waiting around. But nothing I'm going to get mad about if he doesn't
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Post by sabrinae on Aug 11, 2022 19:16:54 GMT
Why would you lock your spouse out of the house at 10 pm (early in our household) when you knew he was coming home from a party one hour away? If you were spooked by someone (your dh ) trying to get in your house at 10 pm because you locked him out, I’m thinking that is on you. Our doors are always locked. A combination of our dog being able to open the door and let himself out and basic safety concerns. I live in a rural area and people have been known to just walk in and commit a burglary if people leave doors unlocked. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 11, 2022 19:32:46 GMT
I'll also say to actually address the OP - I would never expect my husband to let me know when he's heading home other than dinner planning and don't track him - BUT if there is an unusual situation where I'm concerned - in our situation bad weather - I've asked him to text me when he's headed home and would be annoyed if he forgot.
I really think the real issue here is you were concerned with his safety and he's blowing off your concern as he doesn't want to admit that he's not safe driving at night. All the rest of this of locked doors and showers is just noise imo
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 19:33:07 GMT
I'm open to you brainstorming ideas to prevent these circumstances. I should add that some of the more obvious solutions aren't available. There is no public transportation here, I am not comfortable driving at night either, a rideshare would cost upwards of $200. The only options I see are forbidding him to attend his grandchild's birthday party or telling the hosts they have to reschedule their party to accomodate our circumstances. Option one is even more infantalizing than asking for a phone call and also damages his mental health by forcing him into social isolation. Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. I don’t know if this will help or not. I’m in my 70s and when I noticed I was having some difficulty seeing well enough during night driving, I was about 60, give or take, which is not at all unusual. I went for a comprehensive eye exam and mentioned it to the ophthalmologist at that time. He set me up with a separate pair of slightly-tinted prescription eyeglasses. I’ve owned several pairs of them over the years and they’ve always helped me tremendously. I still drive at night if I have to and have no trouble seeing well at all. Has he been checked for cataracts? He actually had a thorough eye exam this past spring. No cataracts, and he asked the doctor if he recommended glasses for driving and the doctor said there was no need. He only needed reading glasses, which he has used for years. We haven't had any reason to drive at night for several years due to the pandemic restricting our activities, but we have done our medical due diligence. |
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 11, 2022 19:41:14 GMT
Option two, well can you imagine if a pea posted that a guest requested they reschedule their event? I'm not that person. When my dad stopped driving at night we either picked him up/dropped him off or rescheduled family events to start/end earlier. It isn't an unreasonable request in this situation IMHO. Do other family members even know your DH has night vision issues? I get where you’re coming from but this isn’t just about him. If impaired drivers only posed risks to themselves, meh. But they don’t. If he turns into the wrong side of a median because “his night vision is crap,” he could kill someone.  We had a devastating accident locally where an older man hit and killed a pedestrian blocks from his home. You don't even have to be driving on a busy road or fast for an accident to be tragic.  |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 11, 2022 19:42:57 GMT
I really think the real issue here is you were concerned with his safety and he's blowing off your concern as he doesn't want to admit that he's not safe driving at night. All the rest of this of locked doors and showers is just noise imo If by just noise you mean people are getting sidetracked, I kind of agree but I've tried to give people a clear picture. I wasn't making those things the main issue, that was just what was raising questions. I was trying to get a feel for whether my concern was a normal thing, or exacerbated by my anxiety. But at this point, I think everyone has had their say and it's time for this one to die. I can't believe there were 3 pages worth of opinions on the topic as it is. |
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Post by busy on Aug 11, 2022 19:44:46 GMT
I get where you’re coming from but this isn’t just about him. If impaired drivers only posed risks to themselves, meh. But they don’t. If he turns into the wrong side of a median because “his night vision is crap,” he could kill someone. I seem to recall you not having a lot of sympathy for Anne Heche, who caused a very serious incident and risked others, potentially due to a health issue. Why aren’t you equally concerned about the potential risk your husband poses to others? The fact that he hasn’t driven at night in “years” is all we need to know to know that he shouldn’t have been driving the other night either. No one avoids a routine part of life for that long just because. You seem to recall things I didn't say. I wish you could have expressed your opinions more constructively and less antagonisticly. I think a certain level of antagonism is warranted when you're expressing more concern over how you're perceived by others than by the potential safety risk your husband driving at night could pose. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 11, 2022 19:45:33 GMT
You never know when a thread is going to go sideways. But in my experience with the peas, PVM posts always go sideways.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 11, 2022 19:52:27 GMT
I really think the real issue here is you were concerned with his safety and he's blowing off your concern as he doesn't want to admit that he's not safe driving at night. All the rest of this of locked doors and showers is just noise imo If by just noise you mean people are getting sidetracked, I kind of agree but I've tried to give people a clear picture. I wasn't making those things the main issue, that was just what was raising questions. I was trying to get a feel for whether my concern was a normal thing, or exacerbated by my anxiety. But at this point, I think everyone has had their say and it's time for this one to die. I can't believe there were 3 pages worth of opinions on the topic as it is. But in fairness you brought up the night blindness later. I'll say as a 40 something with a healthy 50 something husband, your initial post was a bit of a wtf -as I would never expect that level of "warning" for my husband coming home. Later when you mentioned concern about driving as he has night blindness I did understand as that's a real issue in my family, but we don't deal with it the same way. I think the reality is that this is a highly unusual situation for you where your husband hasn't driven at night for years and you were concerned about an hour long drive - if you'd began with that the responses would have been totally different. Vs I wanted warning as I got in the shower and he forgot his keys. |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 11, 2022 19:54:05 GMT
The only time I'd like a phone call to let me know someone was on their way would be if there were adverse driving conditions.
Otherwise, it seems weird to expect an adult to check in in that way
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Post by gar on Aug 11, 2022 19:54:53 GMT
The only time I'd like a phone call to let me know someone was on their way would be if there were adverse driving conditions. Otherwise, it seems weird to expect an adult to check in in that way It’s one of those where you need to read more for the added info. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 11, 2022 20:00:01 GMT
Darcy Collins made a good case for why these PVMs seem to go sideways. The original posts either leave out crucial information or focus on a thing that isn’t really the issue. After tons of back and forth we finally piece together what’s really going on and usually the OP has felt piled on and may or may not have deleted. In defense of QueenoftheSloths sometimes we don’t know why we’re upset about something. Sometimes it takes a objective observer to point out what we can’t see. Sometimes things come on so gradually and happen so rarely we cannot see the change.
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