QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 10, 2022 20:19:19 GMT
DH went to a family party Monday evening. It was about an hour from our house. I reminded him to call and let me know when he started for home as he was leaving. He did not let me know and just showed up at home.
Is it rude to not let your partner know when you expect to be home? The invitation didn't have an end time, so it's not like I could go, party ends at 8, I'll see you around 9.
I feel that it is rude for the reason that I asked him to do a simple thing and he didn't. But was my request somehow unreasonable?
At any rate, I inadvertently got my revenge because when he did show up, I was in the shower, and he had forgotten his house keys so he couldn't get in and was stumbling around the yard in the dark trying to figure out which room I was in so he could get my attention to let him in.
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Tearisci
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Post by Tearisci on Aug 10, 2022 20:25:35 GMT
I don't know if I would consider it more rude than discourteous. Is he usually good about texting you to let you know when to expect him? If that's the norm and he just forgot one time, I'd probably let it go and chalk it up to just forgetfulness.
If he routinely fails to text you and that is the expectation, then I'd probably be miffed and talk with him about it.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 10, 2022 20:26:01 GMT
That’s more like something I might want a kid to do, not DH.
It’s not unusual for one or the other of us to go out and not know when we’ll be back and I don’t see it as an issue.
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Aug 10, 2022 20:29:22 GMT
If I'd asked him to LMK for a purpose, like so I could start dinner to be ready when he was getting home, or because we were going to be leaving as soon as he got there to do something else, so I'd know what my target time to be ready was, then I'd be irritated. But it's unlikely I'd ask him to let me know when he's headed home (barring bad weather) otherwise.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 10, 2022 20:29:57 GMT
I don’t think your request was unacceptable
However I bet it was more a forgetting kind of thing than actually being rude?
I think the consequences fit the mistake and I’d have laughed at him & not been angry. I wouldn’t classify forgetting to call as ‘rude’ because for me I think actual rudeness takes an effort and/or active lack of care for the other.
I mean I wouldn’t have been angry at all unless he somehow scared the bejesus out of me in the shower by banging on the window. That I’d have been annoyed at.
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Post by Zee on Aug 10, 2022 20:30:32 GMT
I don't think it's rude, but I probably wouldn't ask him to check in anyway. Maybe if I had specifically asked him to, I would think it was rude, but he's not a child.
It's not something we do other than he lets me know when he makes it to his hotel when he's traveling out of town.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 10, 2022 20:31:29 GMT
I wouldn’t call it rude. I’d probably text to say that I was on my way, but I’d also be just as likely to not think of it until I was on the road. I didn’t text DH when I was done having lunch with a friend today. I didn’t think of it until I pulled in the gate. It wasn’t a big deal even though we usually do text.
If anything, he was rude not to do as you asked, but the non-text wouldn’t be rude in and of itself. If he didn’t live there, I’d say that it was rude. But it’s his own house, right? He lives there full time?
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Post by stingfan on Aug 10, 2022 20:31:30 GMT
I only ask dh when he'll be home if I'm trying to coordinate another activity on that day, arrange stuff with kids, etc. Otherwise, I don't worry about it...
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 10, 2022 20:32:04 GMT
I’m going with not rude or even inconsiderate. We usually do things the opposite way, “I plan to just stay an hour or two” two hours later followed by “still here, waiting for them to finish with cake, I’ll update you later” eventually followed by “heading out , see ya in an hour”.
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 10, 2022 20:32:58 GMT
I think it is always good practice to let at least one person in your life know your general whereabouts and when you plan to be home. Especially if you’re doing something that isn’t in your usual schedule.
My husband travels a few times a year for work and usually there’s a time difference. He still lets me know when he’s going back to his hotel even if I’m asleep.
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valincal
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Post by valincal on Aug 10, 2022 20:34:58 GMT
I’m not a stickler for that kind of thing.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 10, 2022 20:36:09 GMT
your request was not unreasonable but his response was not rude.
everyday i ask DH what time he will be home. i try to time dinner so it's still warm when he gets home or if i'm crafting or gardening, i can wrap it up and be done so we can have dinner together.
truth be told, i'm also very time driven and he knows it. even if i don't care what time he gets home, i still want some kind of indication because i'm just funny that way.
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Post by lisae on Aug 10, 2022 20:37:11 GMT
If you asked him to and he agreed to, then he let you down. I wouldn't call it rude but it would annoy me. DH has developed the habit of calling when he starts home from service calls because he knows I worry when it gets late. That way, I know approximately when he should be home. The time varies immensely from one outing to the next and he is so bad about answering his phone. It's easier and safer if he calls me when he isn't driving.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 10, 2022 20:37:54 GMT
Not rude, per se, but a bit inconsiderate since you did ask him to let you know, but ultimately not worth worrying about, the main thing is that he arrived home safely.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Aug 10, 2022 20:38:04 GMT
I would attribute it to having forgotten as opposed to being rude. While your request is not unreasonable I do think you are making too much of a big deal about it. Will he be grounded?
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 10, 2022 20:41:09 GMT
This doesn't come close to rising to the level of rude behavior for me. Rude is "offensively impolite or ill-mannered". FWIW, DH tends to call me when he is on his way home but not always. I can't imagine noticing or giving two thoughts to him if he "just showed up at home".  |
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Post by stacmac on Aug 10, 2022 20:44:06 GMT
Not rude at all to me. He was just coming home. Not an unreasonable request, but not a big deal that he didn't do it.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 10, 2022 20:44:48 GMT
DH asks me to text when I get an event over an hour or so away, and also let know when I’m on my home, purely for safety reasons. Sometimes I forget. I don’t consider it rude, just an oops. Rude would be telling him it’s none of his business when I’m on my way home.
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milocat
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Post by milocat on Aug 10, 2022 20:58:32 GMT
It probably just slipped his mind. No big deal but DH and I don't check in like that.
In our family we only text if the roads are really bad, that you're leaving or text where you left that you made it home.
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Aug 10, 2022 21:10:31 GMT
I don't think it's rude.
The way you have your post worded it's as if he were a relative or a friend dropping by, not your husband (or anyone) who lives in the home. "He just showed up." Did you need to know when he'd be home for a specific reason? Travel concerns? To start dinner?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 10, 2022 21:13:52 GMT
If I'd asked him to LMK for a purpose, like so I could start dinner to be ready when he was getting home, or because we were going to be leaving as soon as he got there to do something else, so I'd know what my target time to be ready was, then I'd be irritated. But it's unlikely I'd ask him to let me know when he's headed home (barring bad weather) otherwise. This is my response. |
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Post by beepdave on Aug 10, 2022 21:15:41 GMT
I don't think it's rude.
The way you have your post worded it's as if he were a relative or a friend dropping by, not your husband (or anyone) who lives in the home. "He just showed up." Did you need to know when he'd be home for a specific reason? Travel concerns? To start dinner?
Boyfriend needed to exit the shower?? Hahaha! Sorry, couldn't resist.
I wouldn't put it on my rude meter, more along the inconsiderate route.
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Post by busy on Aug 10, 2022 21:18:04 GMT
Unless it's a habit of him disregarding similar requests from you, I don't think it's rude, just an oversight. Lord knows I forget plenty of things. I don't think there's anything wrong with you asking for him to let you know, but him not doing it seems unlikely to be intentionally rude unless there are bigger issues at play.
We don't text or call each other for stuff like this. We use Find My with DH/DS/me and it's way easier. If I feel like I need to know if he's on his way home, I can check, or vice versa. It works for us.
As an aside... why does he keep house keys and car keys separate? That would drive me crazy to have to keep track of two sets of keys.
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Gem Girl
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Post by Gem Girl on Aug 10, 2022 21:24:17 GMT
I wouldn't call it rude, but I'd find the thoughtlessness/forgetfulness irritating, because I'd have had a reason to ask. DH always lets me know when he's leaving his office, so I know how to time dinner.
In other instances, I generally DO ask him to let me know when he's heading home (if he hasn't given me a return ETA prior to departing, which he usually does), "so I don't shoot him." I'm disabled, & somebody coming through the door unexpectedly is taking a chance. I also want to be pretty for him, so I like to freshen my lipstick & such before he arrives. Finally, it's a safety issue, so I know when I should be concerned (cars break down, people can have unexpected health crises, etc.).
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Aug 10, 2022 21:37:11 GMT
We always fall each other before leaving work. Deer are a problem and it helps too have a time to expect each other. Sometimes we forget and it's no big deal.
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Post by elaine on Aug 10, 2022 21:50:15 GMT
I’m voting for “not.”
We often text or call to let each other know when we are headed home from someplace, but sometimes don't. If it were really important to me to know exactly when dh hit the road, I’d text or call him and ask around the time I thought he was heading out and check in with him.
Each of us would equally be likely to have it slip our minds to call/text to let the other know we were headed home. I can't imagine being angry about it unless the timing of something was hinging on it, and even then, if it were that important, I’d call/text him. 🤷♀️
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Post by ~summer~ on Aug 10, 2022 21:59:08 GMT
Not rude.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 10, 2022 22:07:22 GMT
Lot of responses! i'll try to elaborate a bit more. if I don't quote you, it's not that I don't appreciate your taking the time to answer! Maybe if I had specifically asked him to, I would think it was rude, but he's not a child. I had specifically asked him to let me know. I’d also be just as likely to not think of it until I was on the road. We've got that bluetooth deal where you just push a button on the steering wheel to make a call. But it’s his own house, right? He lives there full time? Yes, he does. I think it is always good practice to let at least one person in your life know your general whereabouts and when you plan to be home. Especially if you’re doing something that isn’t in your usual schedule. This is my thought. It is extremely unusual for him to be out so far from home after dark. He's also at that age where his night vision is crap. purely for safety reasons This is exactly why I asked him to let me know. And also so I wouldn't be in the shower. The way you have your post worded it's as if he were a relative or a friend dropping by, not your husband (or anyone) who lives in the home. "He just showed up." Did you need to know when he'd be home for a specific reason? Travel concerns? To start dinner? Yes, I was concerned about him making the drive, as I mentioned above. It was also getting to be bedtime, so knowing if he was going to be home sooner vs later would let me know if I should feed the cats or if they could wait for him. As an aside... why does he keep house keys and car keys separate? That would drive me crazy to have to keep track of two sets of keys. We both have our house keys and car keys separate. Those fob dealies are so big and clunky, we don't like the extra bulk. But I have never known him to forget his house keys, that's a new one for him. We just have one car that we share, and whenever we drive somewhere, even if it is just one of us, we take both key fobs because he worries about losing the keys and not being able to drive home. |
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QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 10, 2022 22:16:52 GMT
I was worried my post was getting too long, so posting again to add a few things.
I didn't feel the rudeness was coming home unannounced, the rudeness was not doing something I asked him to do. If I asked him to bring home some milk and he didn't and the reason given was a shrug, I would think that was rude too.
When I go to work my out of the house job, I travel to 2-3 locations per day. Every time I leave, he reminds me to keep him up to date on my progress so that he knows where I am in case something happens, like the day there was a mass shooting in one of the towns I stop in. So it is established practice to let each other know when we are headed home.
I wasn't mad at him, I didn't yell at him, he isn't being punished. I was scared when I heard someone on the front porch and I was alone in the house wearing only my bathrobe at almost 10pm. Had I seen a shadowy figure in the backyard looking at me through the window (yes, he did that) I would have been even more scared and probably called the police.
And why didn't he, upon arriving home and finding himself locked out, use his cell phone to call and say, hey I'm home, let me in?
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AllieC
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Post by AllieC on Aug 10, 2022 22:27:51 GMT
Even with all your additional info I still don’t think it’s rude. If it was me in his shoes I probably would have just forgotten.
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