artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,352
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on Aug 21, 2022 17:48:18 GMT
This is a spin-off of the jackhammer thread.
My nephew is a sophomore in college and I read a Facebook group of that college's parents. I'm always flabbergasted at what some of the parents ask.
There was a mom that asked where to find a map of the campus because her child called her crying about it. One of the fathers on the site suggested she let her daughter figure it out herself and the mom flipped out. So just out of curiosity I Googled the search terms: "___ university" and "map". Guess what came up? Yep- a detailed map of the campus.
The mom was livid that some people suggested that she just let her daughter figure it out on her own. All the daughter had to do was think through the problem enough to Google it. But nope- mom was going to swoop in and save her.
I'm not saying there weren't problems I had in college that drove me to tears. Figuring out stuff on your own can be overwhelming and some of the workings of a university are kind of maddening. But it never occurred to me call my parents about stuff like that. I stressed about it and then sucked it up and figured out how to fix the problem. I have crazy anxiety and before I was medicated I was a cryer. But I struggled through it and came out an independent adult. Of course I went to college in the 80s when there were no such thing as cell phones and I called my parents on Sunday night because that was when long distance calls were the cheapest.
If this question was a one-time occurrence on this Facebook group I'd think it was just one crazy parent. But it happens several times a day. These aren't kindergarteners- these are 18 year old people. We aren't supposed to hold their hand to cross the street anymore. I understand loving your kids more than anything in the world and wanting them to succeed in life but sometimes people have to thrash around a bit before they find their way. Isn't the point to grow fully functioning adults?
I have a ton of examples from that group of both lawnmower and jackhammer parents.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Aug 21, 2022 17:54:39 GMT
Yeah my son started college 4 years ago. He taught at least 3 kids how to use the washing machines (not like how to put the money in, but actually how to wash your clothes properly). He also said other students were amazed he knew how to cook anything more than a bowl of cereal.
I never joined that kind of parent group because I didn't need to and I really didn't need to read about those types of parents.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Aug 21, 2022 17:54:58 GMT
Yes, there are some of them out there, but there are also plenty of us who are letting our kids fly by figuring things out for themselves. The healthiest question to ask is, "What solutions can you come up with to address this issue?" But this is also the first week of school for many, and freshmen may be super homesick, very overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. Emotions can easily bubble over and parents just want to help, especially if kids are far from home for the first time. I'd be more concerned if it were 2023 and the kids still hadn't adjusted to being on their own. Right now, I'd give grace (and continue to ask them to generate their own solutions).
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 21, 2022 17:58:20 GMT
Heck, kids have everything so easy now with Google. In my day we asked other students and figured things out. I can’t imagine an 18 yr old stressing over a map.
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leeny
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Posts: 4,760
Location: Northern California
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Aug 21, 2022 18:01:56 GMT
My niece had to show her sophmore roommate how to shop for groceries. She'd never done it on her own and that year they had a room with a kitchen.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 21, 2022 18:23:45 GMT
My 19 year old is living in an apartment this year. For the last several weeks I asked him if he needed xyz for the apartment and for most of the things he said, "I think we are good." I decided to stop asking and figured that he would figure it out when he got there if needed. Dropped him off on Monday and then went to Walmart since he had no food, toilet paper, etc. I think he was feeling a little out of his element but was still confident that he didn't need suggestions on what to buy, etc. He hasn't called to ask questions this week so I think he is ok.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 21, 2022 18:35:55 GMT
I was on a plane for like the third time in my life to go to college 3000 miles from home in the pre-internet pre-smartphone era as a first-generation college student. I managed. It's good for you. Yikes.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,352
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on Aug 21, 2022 18:54:29 GMT
Yes, there are some of them out there, but there are also plenty of us who are letting our kids fly by figuring things out for themselves. The healthiest question to ask is, "What solutions can you come up with to address this issue?" But this is also the first week of school for many, and freshmen may be super homesick, very overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. Emotions can easily bubble over and parents just want to help, especially if kids are far from home for the first time. I'd be more concerned if it were 2023 and the kids still hadn't adjusted to being on their own. Right now, I'd give grace (and continue to ask them to generate their own solutions). I am in full agreement to "What solutions can you come up with to address this issue?" That is the way to handle it, not solving the problem for them. I just have always seen college as the first day of the rest of your life. I distinctly remember my parents driving away and standing there like "now what do I do?" I know it is hard. I just think there is a point when you need to let the birdy fly. I think the student needs to know that their parent believes in their ability to be independent. Helping students on mundane things reinforces the idea that the student is incapable of figuring it out without help. I teach middle school and I see it with parents of 13-year-olds. It is annoying even at that point- stop reinforcing learned helplessness. Not trusting 18-year-olds to figure it out is kind of sad.
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Post by mom2jnk on Aug 21, 2022 19:18:11 GMT
Yes, there are some of them out there, but there are also plenty of us who are letting our kids fly by figuring things out for themselves. The healthiest question to ask is, "What solutions can you come up with to address this issue?" But this is also the first week of school for many, and freshmen may be super homesick, very overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. Emotions can easily bubble over and parents just want to help, especially if kids are far from home for the first time. I'd be more concerned if it were 2023 and the kids still hadn't adjusted to being on their own. Right now, I'd give grace (and continue to ask them to generate their own solutions). I am in full agreement to "What solutions can you come up with to address this issue?" That is the way to handle it, not solving the problem for them. I just have always seen college as the first day of the rest of your life. I distinctly remember my parents driving away and standing there like "now what do I do?" I know it is hard. I just think there is a point when you need to let the birdy fly. I think the student needs to know that their parent believes in their ability to be independent. Helping students on mundane things reinforces the idea that the student is incapable of figuring it out without help. I teach middle school and I see it with parents of 13-year-olds. It is annoying even at that point- stop reinforcing learned helplessness. Not trusting 18-year-olds to figure it out is kind of sad. "What do you think you will do about that?" Followed by a comfortable silence... Best words I have learned in my twenty-four years so far!! They will figure it out. It might not be pretty, but many times your children astonish
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Post by scraplette on Aug 21, 2022 19:37:02 GMT
I’m old enough to have used a map posted at an info kiosk on campus. A skill I honed as a teenage shopper, I’m embarrassed to say.
My kids’ schools have apps with maps, building information and hours. A student wouldn’t even need to Google. I read these things and wonder if the kid mentions it to their parents and recovers, not knowing it’s the parents spiraling out of control at home 😀😢
I’ve seen a lot of kindness in the parent groups for my kid at college out of state. Lots of taking supplies, local moms offering to help a student find help or a doctor, sending their kid to connect with a freshman in their major. It’s been nice.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 21, 2022 19:38:35 GMT
I brought up my kids to be independent and equipped with life skills. it was not their first rodeo when they went to college.
and so I never got those phone calls. my parents had also taught us all to be independent by 18. I really don't have that much sympathy for them.
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Marina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,509
Aug 12, 2014 23:32:21 GMT
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Post by Marina on Aug 21, 2022 19:55:35 GMT
I have seen a wide variety of posts. Our parent board has lots of files of information by dorm, doctors in the area, where to shop... but so many parents don't search the board and ask the question that was just answered the day before or look at the files. But that's okay. There are also awesome local parents that have dropped off Covid care packages to students or offered to help a student in need.
What I don't like are the complainers. One just decided to vent about how the payment plan starts before the 1st day of school. I have been surprised by parents that want to meet with their student's advisors. Um no...
And yes of course it's best to teach your students how to navigate the world and with google at their fingertips it's much easier. I usually tell my student "you got this". And have you tried googling that?
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
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Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 21, 2022 20:18:30 GMT
I think a lot of people would be much better served by learning more life skills in high school, because apparently parents aren't teaching these things at home.
You as an aunt of a student are probably in a different place emotionally than the parent of a student and able to be more objective as well.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 21, 2022 20:22:23 GMT
There are plenty of things that some parents think all kids should know that some don't because it wasn't a priority for their family.
Should a kid be able to come up with a map of their own campus? Yes.
Should a kid be able to use basic tools? Know how to drive? Debatable.
But, OP, I belong to my dd's college's FB page for parents and it's amazing what they don't expect their children to do for themselves - including speaking to their professors.
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Post by flanz on Aug 21, 2022 22:25:16 GMT
Sooo many youth seem totally unprepared for adulting in any form. Their parents have done them a huge disservice!
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Post by SockMonkey on Aug 21, 2022 22:48:27 GMT
This is a spin-off of the jackhammer thread. My nephew is a sophomore in college and I read a Facebook group of that college's parents. I'm always flabbergasted at what some of the parents ask. There was a mom that asked where to find a map of the campus because her child called her crying about it. One of the father's on the site suggested she let her daughter figure it out herself and the mom flipped out. So just out of curiosity I Googled the search terms: "___ university" and "map". Guess what came up? Yep- a detailed map of the campus. The mom was livid that some people suggested that she just let her daughter figure it out on her own. All the daughter had to do was think through the problem enough to Google it. But nope- mom was going to swoop in and save her. I'm not saying there weren't problems I had in college that drove me to tears. Figuring out stuff on your own can be overwhelming and some of the workings of a university are kind of maddening. But it never occurred to me call my parents about stuff like that. I stressed about it and then sucked it up and figured out how to fix the problem. I have crazy anxiety and before I was medicated I was a cryer. But I struggled through it and came out an independent adult. Of course I went to college in the 80s when there were no such thing as cell phones and I called my parents on Sunday night because that was when long distance calls were the cheapest. If this question was a one-time occurrence on this Facebook group I'd think it was just one crazy parent. But it happens several times a day. These aren't kindergarteners- these are 18 year old people. We aren't supposed to hold their hand to cross the street anymore. I understand loving your kids more than anything in the world and wanting them to succeed in life but sometimes people have to thrash around a bit before they find their way. Isn't the point to grow fully functioning adults? I have a ton of examples from that group of both lawnmower and jackhammer parents. I have heard LOTS of stories from friends with older kids about those FB groups! Whew!
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Post by SockMonkey on Aug 21, 2022 22:52:23 GMT
I’m old enough to have used a map posted at an info kiosk on campus. A skill I honed as a teenage shopper, I’m embarrassed to say. My kids’ schools have apps with maps, building information and hours. A student wouldn’t even need to Google. I read these things and wonder if the kid mentions it to their parents and recovers, not knowing it’s the parents spiraling out of control at home 😀😢
I’ve seen a lot of kindness in the parent groups for my kid at college out of state. Lots of taking supplies, local moms offering to help a student find help or a doctor, sending their kid to connect with a freshman in their major. It’s been nice. It's TOTALLY plausible that the kid is homesick and stressed with all the new stuff happening to them. It's extremely likely it was never about the map, right? So, in my mind, the parent should ALSO get that it's not about the map, soothe their person with some "It's gonna be okay, you got this," maybe guide them through thinking about their resources, "Where might you figure out how to get from place to place?" and keep it moving. Instead, some parents want to FIX everything for their children. I don't know what it is about my generation, but we really gotta stop that!
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Post by Merge on Aug 21, 2022 23:21:26 GMT
I didn’t join any of those groups. Our kids have mostly done fine with minimal interference from us. If they ask for help, we’re always here, but I can’t remember them asking anything that should have been easily figured out on their own.
Periodically when the oldest’s mental health is not good, she’s needed more support than usual. But we consider that part of transitioning her to manage her illness as an adult. It really sucks that bipolar disorder manifests (or is finally diagnosed in) in so many people just as they’re around college age. Double whammy there.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 21, 2022 23:21:47 GMT
my girl scout alumnae group has developed a patch program.. we share it all over the place.. called "adulting 101". you can buy a patch and added rockers. things like, change a tire, do the laundry, arrange doctor appts, ---a whole list of tasks. it is popular with high school girl scouts.
so the need is there...
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,538
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Aug 21, 2022 23:36:12 GMT
So, in my mind, the parent should ALSO get that it's not about the map, soothe their person with some "It's gonna be okay, you got this," maybe guide them through thinking about their resources, "Where might you figure out how to get from place to place?" and keep it moving. Instead, some parents want to FIX everything for their children. I don't know what it is about my generation, but we really gotta stop that! Periodically when the oldest’s mental health is not good, she’s needed more support than usual. But we consider that part of transitioning her to manage her illness as an adult. It really sucks that bipolar disorder manifests (or is finally diagnosed in) in so many people just as they’re around college age. Double whammy there. Yes, to both of these. But what so many parents don't get is that there's a fine line between supporting their kid and enabling their kid. Each kid may need a different level of support, particularly at different times. But heck, even going back to the original example about the map post - at a minimum, tell the kid to ask for it! I realize everyone is at a different step in their growth, even different kids from the same family. But you have to help them grow, not just give them crutches!
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,922
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Aug 21, 2022 23:59:28 GMT
I’ll never understand how the latch key kid generation raised such useless kids.
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Kerri W
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Posts: 3,790
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Aug 22, 2022 0:24:43 GMT
I get a chuckle from the parent page for DSs college too. Students moved in Fri-Sat and have the opportunity to participate in what seems like a million activities before classes start Tue-Wed as part of an intended few days for kids to get used to campus, college life, make friends etc. My favorites from this weekend were…
-WHY have the RAs not personally introduced their child to somebody they can be friends with?! What is their job anyway?! The RAs should be with these kids at all of the activities, introducing them to other students. As if they were 9 year olds going to summer camp and the RA was their bunk leader. One mom started it but a handful of others were equally outraged-to the point of sharing the president’s contact info.
-The other topic causing great concern-not being able to find which building their class was in and once again those pesky RAs were nowhere to be found. This was also a task the RAs should have personally looked over their student’s schedule and taken their student to the building to show them in person where it was.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,748
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Aug 22, 2022 0:31:45 GMT
Tomorrow my daughter is heading into the bursar's office to take care of getting her tuition statement corrected. They didn't include a merit award which she clearly qualifies for and was told is an automatic (even says it on their website) for transfers who meet the qualifications. Earlier this month she had to contact them when they charged her outstate tuition instead of the reciprocity agreement between our states. She had to forward the email that shows she was given it. We've told her that if she has problems tomorrow that she should contact us and we'll help, but we don't anticipate that she will. We give advice and support, but we do her no favors if we don't let her handle the things she is capable of handling. I'm kind of annoyed with this new school. This is over $3000 in mistakes on their part.
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,641
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Aug 22, 2022 0:41:40 GMT
I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s college, and I would say that some of the posters do show signs of being…worrywarts (?) when it comes to their kids.
The most recent example that comes to mind was a mom who posted the day after roommate assignments were sent out to incoming freshman. Her daughter had immediately texted or messaged her new roommate, but hadn’t heard back yet and was so upset by this that the mom wanted to know how she could go about getting her daughter another roommate. Many of the other parents gently suggested she chill out and give it time, and get her kid to do the same.
I think that’s what I see the most on that board—parents who are feeling their kids’ every feeling and emotion soooo deeply. I get it to an extent. When my kids hurt, I hurt. But it’s my job to teach them how to deal with anxiety, fear, disappointment, etc., and separate out the big stuff from the small stuff.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Aug 22, 2022 2:13:45 GMT
I get a chuckle from the parent page for DSs college too. Students moved in Fri-Sat and have the opportunity to participate in what seems like a million activities before classes start Tue-Wed as part of an intended few days for kids to get used to campus, college life, make friends etc. My favorites from this weekend were… -WHY have the RAs not personally introduced their child to somebody they can be friends with?! What is their job anyway?! The RAs should be with these kids at all of the activities, introducing them to other students. As if they were 9 year olds going to summer camp and the RA was their bunk leader. One mom started it but a handful of others were equally outraged-to the point of sharing the president’s contact info. -The other topic causing great concern-not being able to find which building their class was in and once again those pesky RAs were nowhere to be found. This was also a task the RAs should have personally looked over their student’s schedule and taken their student to the building to show them in person where it was. Oh good grief. RA's have enough crap to deal with. I think our son texted us maybe every other week his freshman year.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,084
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Aug 22, 2022 4:52:33 GMT
I’ll never understand how the latch key kid generation raised such useless kids. It’s baffling isn’t it? Over compensating for being left to fend for ourselves is all I can come up with. 🤷♀️ First day of college my 17 yo dd bragged home she taught the boys across the hall in her dorm to jump their car and she was over the moon proud of herself. And thankful for her life skills. Both my college sr and soph parents groups are next level insane but also caring, supportive, and occasionally have some valuable info. A lot of the mommas are not doing ok and it’s definitely impacting the offspring.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 22, 2022 4:57:32 GMT
my girl scout alumnae group has developed a patch program.. we share it all over the place.. called "adulting 101". you can buy a patch and added rockers. things like, change a tire, do the laundry, arrange doctor appts, ---a whole list of tasks. it is popular with high school girl scouts.
so the need is there...
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 22, 2022 9:13:15 GMT
I’m old enough to have used a map posted at an info kiosk on campus. A skill I honed as a teenage shopper, I’m embarrassed to say. My kids’ schools have apps with maps, building information and hours. A student wouldn’t even need to Google. I read these things and wonder if the kid mentions it to their parents and recovers, not knowing it’s the parents spiraling out of control at home 😀😢
I’ve seen a lot of kindness in the parent groups for my kid at college out of state. Lots of taking supplies, local moms offering to help a student find help or a doctor, sending their kid to connect with a freshman in their major. It’s been nice. It's TOTALLY plausible that the kid is homesick and stressed with all the new stuff happening to them. It's extremely likely it was never about the map, right? So, in my mind, the parent should ALSO get that it's not about the map, soothe their person with some "It's gonna be okay, you got this," maybe guide them through thinking about their resources, "Where might you figure out how to get from place to place?" and keep it moving. Instead, some parents want to FIX everything for their children. I don't know what it is about my generation, but we really gotta stop that! Exactly. It’s not about the map. And it could be that the student figured it all out on their own. But they were likely overwhelmed and venting to their parent about being lost and the parent thought, “Ah! Something I can fix!” Campus life can be overwhelming at first. I sent both kids to school with knowledge of how to feed themselves, clean, do laundry, read a map, etc. But there were still things that got to them. Suddenly, all of that is 100% on them and it’s all new. And mom is a safe place to let all of that out. I can remember one phone call from DD where she didn’t have any friends, didn’t like the school, the food, wanted to quit… we were on the phone for over an hour and DH and I spent another hour talking and worrying about her. I called the next day to check up on her and she didn’t even get why I was calling. She went to dinner with those non-existent friends and then went for a walk with the same non-existent friends. She was just fine—she was just overwhelmed and needed to let it all out.
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frankiegirl
Full Member
Posts: 183
Dec 22, 2020 12:42:01 GMT
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Post by frankiegirl on Aug 22, 2022 12:21:10 GMT
I joined a college parents group on FB. I found that many of us are pretty far from our kids so it's actually more of a support group. My dd enrolled when she was 19, moved 17 hours away from us. For the most part she has done extremely well and we are super proud of her. But one time she did text me that she couldn't find her ID (they need it to swipe to get in the building) and what was she going to do? She asked me if I could find the phone number of security? I was at work and I think I laughed out loud which was kind of mean because I know she was in a panic. But I told her that I was in Ohio, she is in Florida. She still has internet connection in FL. She could figure it out. Even funnier is that she was on campus so she actually went to Security and got another ID. As silly as it sounds I think she was dealing with so much other stuff that the ID thing just pushed her over the edge. And it made me feel kind of good that she still needs me .
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Post by twinks on Aug 22, 2022 13:40:33 GMT
I sent my DD away for high school. Luckily she had great dorm staff and we worked well as a team. My DD was there for a post secondary year and took classes at the local college. The amount of supervision had decreased by that time and she was problem solving and navigating her world pretty good.
One time I happened to arrive at school the day after my DD broke up with a long time boyfriend. They had been boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 years. I didn’t know of the breakup. I said something about taking them both to dinner. My DD looked at me and said, “No!” I inquired and found out about the breakup. Residential Coordinator and a person on my DD’s support team handled the situation much better than I would have done.
It was harder for me at first. I was just glad that I had support. I remember our therapist getting a call from the school staff the last day of move in weekend. They reported my “DD was fine but Mom is a mess.” I came to realize why my dad was the person to drop us off at college. LOL! I, however, quickly established a great support team of my own. At the hotel I stayed at the parents all gather in the lounge/bar area and commiserate/support each other. That 1st weekend I learn so much. Little tips and tricks along with expectations. I think sometimes parents post as much for support for them as for their children. Yes, finding a campus map for your child is something you can do but you shouldn’t.
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