The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:27:22 GMT
UPDATE: I have decided I will do as requested if I am directly asked.
Someone close to us is dying. My sons haven’t been asked yet, but we have heard that they are going to be asked to be pallbearers (cremated so honorary).
We have also heard they are to wear a coordinated red tie (to honor the deceased). Not something I would ask, but I am ok with this. However, we have also heard they are to wear white shirts and black pants. Spouse also doesn’t want anyone (family)to wear a suit.
We just bought dh a navy blazer (not wearing a tie) and my boys navy blazers, khakis and checked shirts. This person has been dying for three weeks.
There is a lot going on besides this, but is this a bit much to ask? I know everyone grieves differently, but this person is not dead and is actually doing pretty well right now. (He wasn’t three weeks ago) He could maybe go tomorrow or months from now.
Can I say that we are ok with the ties, but we are going to wear what we have or should we decline or so I just buy the clothing as asked?
Other info: My kids are 14 and growing pretty rapidly right now.
The blazers are just from Target.
There are family issues going on in the background.
The person asking does like to spin/control the narrative/history of pushing boundaries.
I’ve also been asked to make a slideshow (just more context)
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 21, 2022 18:32:45 GMT
Why are you concerned about blazers? You didn't list them as requested. Only shirt, red tie and black pants are mentioned.
Please don't make it harder then necessary.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 21, 2022 18:34:12 GMT
I would probably wait until I was actually asked and ask at that point if they would be OK with my family wearing what we already have. I don't know that I've ever heard of wanting particular outfits for a funeral (although there may be some communities in which black really is expected, for all I know, so if that is an expectation more generally, I might just buy cheap pants and shirts).
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 21, 2022 18:34:34 GMT
Personally I would go with what the family of the deceased wants. Why not? What does it hurt to do what they ask? Especially for something easy like a tie or suit.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 21, 2022 18:36:18 GMT
I'd probably go along with what they are asking, pretty simple attire.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 21, 2022 18:39:36 GMT
It always annoys me when a very specific clothing item is requested. It means you might have to go out and spend time and money to shop for something you probably do not need. I don’t mind if a dress is requested but please don’t dictate The color. Or if you want me to wear white don’t tell me I need a white dress. And when I was younger it was easier but now shopping for, let’s say a flattering dress, is no easy feat! To me this has always felt rude. In most cases I do decline unless the people concerned are very close to me.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:43:54 GMT
Why are you concerned about blazers? You didn't list them as requested. Only shirt, red tie and black pants are mentioned. Please don't make it harder then necessary. I mentioned that we already bought blazers. Also, we are family too.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:44:41 GMT
Oh, and we bought blazers because we didn’t think there would be pallbearers or coordinating outfits.
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Post by hopemax on Aug 21, 2022 18:46:29 GMT
A white shirt and black pants are so basic, IMO, that requesting them doesn’t even hit my radar as problematic. Is it inconvenient for those people who have made other style choices… yes, but sometimes inconvenient things happen. I don’t read “family drama” in this request. More you placed a bet that didn’t pay out this time. Again, sometimes those things happen.
If an actual request comes, I’d just buy the additional basics to meet the request, or ask around if a friend or relative has something that could be borrowed. If you buy, and kids outgrow them, these basics would be a well received charitable donation.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:47:31 GMT
Personally I would go with what the family of the deceased wants. Why not? What does it hurt to do what they ask? Especially for something easy like a tie or suit. We are family (my FIL). Didn’t really want to say it due to people on this board knowing them.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:49:23 GMT
A white shirt and black pants are so basic, IMO, that requesting them doesn’t even hit my radar as problematic. Is it inconvenient for those people who have made other style choices… yes, but sometimes inconvenient things happen. I don’t read “family drama” in this request. More you placed a bet that didn’t pay out this time. Again, sometimes those things happen. If an actual request comes, I’d just buy the additional basics to meet the request, or ask around if a friend or relative has something that could be borrowed. If you buy, and kids outgrow them, these basics would be a well received charitable donation. This isn’t the drama I’m referring to. I’m just asking for a broader perspective. I also didn’t say drama. I said issues.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 21, 2022 18:54:16 GMT
We have bought specific colors for every funeral we have been pallbearers.
It’s like being a groomsman and being told to wear a specific thing. It’s just what you do/what is expected.
And honestly, everyone should own black pants and a white shirt, that sounds like the person in charge trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone.
I think you’re pretty shitty if you agree to be a pallbearer and then don’t do what is asked of you.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 18:57:53 GMT
We have bought specific colors for every funeral we have been pallbearers. It’s like being a groomsman and being told to wear a specific thing. It’s just what you do/what is expected. And honestly, everyone should own black pants and a white shirt, that sounds like the person in charge trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone. I think you’re pretty shitty if you agree to be a pallbearer and then don’t do what is asked of you. That’s not the norm where we live. No, my 14 year olds don’t currently have white shirts and black pants that fit. We bought blazers to match their dad, the son of the future deceased because we thought that would be appropriate and we thought others would be wearing suits. (a catholic funeral) . And they haven’t even been asked yet.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 21, 2022 18:58:15 GMT
If it's not a hardship for you to buy the requested clothes, just buy the requested clothes. Deaths can cause so many issues in families this is just not something I would make a big deal out of.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,370
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Aug 21, 2022 19:02:26 GMT
If it's not a hardship for you to buy the requested clothes, just buy the requested clothes. Deaths can cause so many issues in families this is just not something I would make a big deal out of. That would be my thought. Yes, having to go shopping with teenage boys is probably a pain. But better than there being more drama. However if money is tight, I would have no problems denying the request as long as they are dressed appropriately otherwise. I remember when my grandmother died, dd (8) at the time didn't have any funeral appropriate clothes that fit. That was an extra expense on top of a few others that really hurt the budget during a really tight time financially. I mean I did it, but I wouldn't have done it if she had ANYTHING else to wear, even if someone requested it.
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Post by scraplette on Aug 21, 2022 19:05:56 GMT
Black pants and white shirts were the foundation dress for many high school activities for my sons. It started with middle school speech tournaments, orchestra and game days. I’d look at it as if getting a start in gathering supplies for the future.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 19:11:40 GMT
Black pants and white shirts were the foundation dress for many high school activities for my sons. It started with middle school speech tournaments, orchestra and game days. I’d look at it as if getting a start in gathering supplies for the future. We have had them before for band and choir. They don’t have any that fit currently. Neither is going to be in band and choir in high school. For sports, they are just supposed to dress up for home games with khakis and a polo at minimum and ties/dress shirts of any color. Only one is in sports, and he will likely grow before he needs it. But like I said—-We did buy dress clothing for them that we thought would be appropriate and I did take into consideration future times he could possibly wear them this year (they are late bloomers and just hitting puberty right now). Thanks for the input. It is making me reconsider some.
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Post by scraplette on Aug 21, 2022 19:20:08 GMT
). [obr] Thanks for the input. It is making me reconsider some. And you’re making me remember the last minutes scramble when someone grew, couldn’t find the correct color tie, etc! I thought we’d have a benefit of hand me downs with two of a kind, but it rarely worked out! I’m sorry about your family member.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 21, 2022 19:27:15 GMT
Since you recently went shopping, you know their sizes so just order the stuff online.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,020
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 21, 2022 19:45:11 GMT
If it's not a hardship for you to buy the requested clothes, just buy the requested clothes. Deaths can cause so many issues in families this is just not something I would make a big deal out of. This is solid advice. Op, I know you are recognizing that there are issues. Complaining about having to buy black pants and a white shirt would add drama to the issues. If you can afford it, then buy the outfits that are requested. If you can't, then just explain that to the loved one. Black dress pants and a plain white dress shirt are pretty standard dress outfits to have on hand, so they would be able to get use out of it in the future. As others have said, death is hard on everyone. If this is a loved one, think of this as a way to honor their memory. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard losing someone. Waiting for them to die as the cling to life is always difficult. I pray that their suffering ends soon and that you all feel peace and comfort while you honor their life.
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 21, 2022 19:49:52 GMT
Can you return what you bought and then just wait until closer, when they are asked? Or, at least the blazers, since they won’t need them for the school stuff this year. Then buy what is asked?
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 20:20:00 GMT
Thanks for the input.
Just being completely honest here: I didn’t know this was a thing AT ALL. No idea. I’ve never seen this done. I’ve seen all pallbearers wearing a suit but nothing coordinated. I’ve been a pallbearer five times myself.
Also, this person knows we were out buying clothing last week and said, “I don’t want anyone to buy anything special. I hadn’t even thought about it.” (Not said to us but relayed to us).
Anyway, I will probably return what I can and just buy coordinating outfits.
Not sure what to do about DH. He will likely still wear his blazer. It’s that or an Untuckit shirt and kahkis. He won’t wear a shirt tucked in without a blazer. (Self conscious about his stomach)
It’s his dad. He can wear what he wants IMO. He was coordinating with his brothers so they would be similar-ish.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,168
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Aug 21, 2022 20:33:07 GMT
Seems like you’ve already decided, but I agree with the others that I would return the clothes you bought and buy the requested items when the funeral is imminent, whether that’s tomorrow or months from now.
And I get having other issues, which is probably making you feel less like going out of your way to accommodate this request, but I would avoid adding any stressors for your husband right now. Having his wife complain about and/or fight with his family is not what he needs right now.
ETA: I think it’s really cool that you’ve been a pallbearer 5 times. I’ve only seen male pallbearers.
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misse336
Full Member
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Feb 24, 2020 2:57:43 GMT
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Post by misse336 on Aug 21, 2022 20:54:57 GMT
We have bought specific colors for every funeral we have been pallbearers. It’s like being a groomsman and being told to wear a specific thing. It’s just what you do/what is expected. And honestly, everyone should own black pants and a white shirt, that sounds like the person in charge trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone. I think you’re pretty shitty if you agree to be a pallbearer and then don’t do what is asked of you. That’s not the norm where we live. No, my 14 year olds don’t currently have white shirts and black pants that fit. We bought blazers to match their dad, the son of the future deceased because we thought that would be appropriate and we thought others would be wearing suits. (a catholic funeral) . And they haven’t even been asked yet. I haven't heard of being asked to wear certain colors for a funeral, but may be a regional thing. If you haven't worn the outfits bought yet, I'd return them and get the requested colors. I'd wait until asked to make the return though in case they either aren't asked to participate or the coordinating thing doesn't pan out (as long as it was still within the return time to make a return). Sorry about the ill health of your family member.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 21, 2022 21:01:15 GMT
I’ll validate you. I’ve never been to a funeral where the pallbearers are all dressed exactly the same, including matching ties. However, if it’s that big of a deal to this person (I’m assuming MIL?) I’d probably just return what you bought and go with the plan to keep the peace.
But I’ll validate you—DS wore a blue blazer and khakis throughout his teens for dressy occasions way more than a white shirt and black pants. Especially once he was done with band. He was an alter server and wore black pants and a white polo shirt almost every Sunday because he was often a sub if a server didn’t show. So he liked to wear something different if he needed to dress up.
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None
Full Member
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Sept 17, 2017 13:10:30 GMT
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Post by None on Aug 21, 2022 21:02:36 GMT
Do they have friends they could borrow black pants and a white shirt from? Maybe a second hand store would have them cheap.
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Post by compeateropeator on Aug 21, 2022 21:17:28 GMT
If the request was made by FIL I would follow. If the request is being made by MIL I would also follow if I was accepting to fulfill the role requested. If the request was randomly made by another sibling I think I might hash it out a bit to see why they. Are requesting that attire.
I come from a large Catholic family and very few, if any, funerals do I remember where all the pallbearers matched. I also have been to ones where it was all suits to others that wore all random stuff.
Really the pallbearers seem to have gone away with most people choosing cremation. And ones where there is a casket it seems like it has been in place at the alter before mass starts now. There are more things like families that bring up the gifts or individuals That do readings. But I am sure each family is different.
If all point to kids being pallbearers, them deciding to do it, and it was going to cause strife I would just suck it up a get a cheap pair of black pants and white shirt (even if at a goodwill type place) and let that stress and anxiety in my life go. I also think your husband’s wants should be considered more than others.
I am sorry your family is dealing with this and more importantly with the passing of a loved one. Sending good thoughts.
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Post by fkawitchypea on Aug 21, 2022 21:35:16 GMT
I would return what you have and deal with it when the event comes. It's a stressful time I am sure for DH and I wouldn't want to stand my ground on this one. Also, having a teenager, if the times doesn't come for months they could literally be a different size. But I do get your irritation. Color coordinating at a funeral just seems so freaking tacky. This is not an instagrammable moment.
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Post by melodyesch on Aug 21, 2022 21:37:19 GMT
Thanks for the input. Just being completely honest here: I didn’t know this was a thing AT ALL. No idea. I’ve never seen this done. I’ve seen all pallbearers wearing a suit but nothing coordinated. I’ve been a pallbearer five times myself. I have to agree with you. I have never heard of pall bearers coordinating outfits. Where I’m from, most men would wear a suit if they had it or just whatever nice “Sunday” clothes they had if they didn’t. I could see buying new pants if all they had was jeans, but they have something appropriate now, whether you bought it last week or last year. And it’s your husband’s DAD. So they should be ok to wear whatever HE thinks is appropriate. If asked, I’d agree for them to be the pallbearers and then if someone brings up a dress code I would say, “no, they already have clothes, but not to worry, they will be appropriately dressed.” Honestly, it’s not like being a bridesmaid. And the last thing you need is to be running around town again for clothes when your DH’s Dad is dying. This just seems like someone acting like the funeral equivalent of a bridezilla.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 21, 2022 21:37:49 GMT
Never in my life have I seen pallbearers in matching outfits; however, your options are to do as asked or decline the offer for your children to be pallbearers. It's just pants and a tie which can be purchased for a relatively reasonable price and can be worn to other events.
I went back and read all of the responses. What does your dh want? It is his father, so if he wants himself and the boys to wear the navy/khaki, then that should be fine.
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