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Post by myshelly on Aug 21, 2022 21:43:06 GMT
I truly can’t imagine not just doing as asked. Especially for something as easy and cheap as this with so much advance notice.
You can literally pop into any Walmart and accomplish this task in 10 minutes.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 21:44:22 GMT
Seems like you’ve already decided, but I agree with the others that I would return the clothes you bought and buy the requested items when the funeral is imminent, whether that’s tomorrow or months from now. And I get having other issues, which is probably making you feel less like going out of your way to accommodate this request, but I would avoid adding any stressors for your husband right now. Having his wife complain about and/or fight with his family is not what he needs right now. ETA: I think it’s really cool that you’ve been a pallbearer 5 times. I’ve only seen male pallbearers. Not saying I don’t have years of dealing with being annoyed, but in this situation, I am not part of the drama. My dh is. His siblings are. I am not adding stress to his situation. We talk through these things together. It’s all weird and I’m not even sure I could ever put words to all the weirdness going on, but I have set some boundaries during the last couple years with my interactions but I feel like I keep getting drawn in. So, I will just do what is requested and that’s the best way to stay on the periphery. Context: dh is not close to his dad. Not estranged but not close and there are many reasons why. Things are tense with his mom based on her behavior prior to all of this but she has recently apologized for long standing issues. FIL is well enough that he is playing cards and looks better than he has in years. It’s all a bit surreal. The matching clothing just added to weirdness of it all. I am glad I asked even if it always makes me feel kinda crappy afterwards.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 21:46:11 GMT
I’ll validate you. I’ve never been to a funeral where the pallbearers are all dressed exactly the same, including matching ties. However, if it’s that big of a deal to this person (I’m assuming MIL?) I’d probably just return what you bought and go with the plan to keep the peace. But I’ll validate you—DS wore a blue blazer and khakis throughout his teens for dressy occasions way more than a white shirt and black pants. Especially once he was done with band. He was an alter server and wore black pants and a white polo shirt almost every Sunday because he was often a sub if a server didn’t show. So he liked to wear something different if he needed to dress up. Thanks for validating. I’m not completely whacked. Btw, my two married in SILS agree with me, but I’m sure we will all tow the line. Although their kids are all 18+.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 21, 2022 21:46:50 GMT
Do they have friends they could borrow black pants and a white shirt from? Maybe a second hand store would have them cheap. Kinda hard to size. I’ll figure it out though.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 21, 2022 22:00:33 GMT
I’ll validate you. I’ve never been to a funeral where the pallbearers are all dressed exactly the same, including matching ties. However, if it’s that big of a deal to this person (I’m assuming MIL?) I’d probably just return what you bought and go with the plan to keep the peace. But I’ll validate you—DS wore a blue blazer and khakis throughout his teens for dressy occasions way more than a white shirt and black pants. Especially once he was done with band. He was an alter server and wore black pants and a white polo shirt almost every Sunday because he was often a sub if a server didn’t show. So he liked to wear something different if he needed to dress up. Thanks for validating. I’m not completely whacked. Btw, my two married in SILS agree with me, but I’m sure we will all tow the line. Although their kids are all 18+. I’ll validate you too, it’s a weird ask. I haven’t ever been to a funeral where the pallbearers (honorary or not) were all matching and color coordinated, and trust me when I say I’ve been to a LOT of funerals in my life. I have been to funerals where the family of the deceased has requested that the guests wear certain colors to the funeral *if they can* to honor the deceased, but I think that’s a little different. If I could return or exchange what was already purchased, I might consider doing that and getting the requested colors. If not, I would wait and see if they are actually asked when the time comes and at that point either have the kids borrow them from a friend or cousin if they can or buy something cheap from Goodwill or somewhere.
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Post by mom on Aug 21, 2022 22:18:05 GMT
I think its a weird ask, but I also know that when someone you love is dying, you do and say weird things. In this instance, I would do as I was asked and smile.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 21, 2022 23:35:48 GMT
If you are worried about your kids outgrowing their outfits before the funeral you should probably return them now and wait to purchase something until you know it will be needed.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Aug 22, 2022 0:44:17 GMT
Thanks for the input. Just being completely honest here: I didn’t know this was a thing AT ALL. No idea. I’ve never seen this done. I’ve seen all pallbearers wearing a suit but nothing coordinated. I’ve been a pallbearer five times myself. Also, this person knows we were out buying clothing last week and said, “I don’t want anyone to buy anything special. I hadn’t even thought about it.” (Not said to us but relayed to us). Anyway, I will probably return what I can and just buy coordinating outfits. Not sure what to do about DH. He will likely still wear his blazer. It’s that or an Untuckit shirt and kahkis. He won’t wear a shirt tucked in without a blazer. (Self conscious about his stomach) It’s his dad. He can wear what he wants IMO. He was coordinating with his brothers so they would be similar-ish. I understand why you're feeling the way you do but personally, I don't think of a white shirt and black pants as anything special, because they can be worn again and again. I am sorry about the impending loss of your FIL.
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Post by lisae on Aug 22, 2022 0:56:42 GMT
It's not uncommon for the pallbearers to be dressed similarly, usually that just means they are all in suits. If I were a family member, I'd not wear a suit as requested though I think it is odd request. However, if it turns out that the funeral is several months away in cold weather, then it seems like a blazer would be reasonable.
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 22, 2022 11:17:11 GMT
My comment is not really about the situation, but about matchy matchy pallbearers in white shirts and black pants. Awful. That combination always says high school band or waiter to me. And unless they’re all buying the exact same red tie, all the reds will be different, making it more awful.
I’m sorry about the situation. All of it.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 22, 2022 11:52:52 GMT
My comment is not really about the situation, but about matchy matchy pallbearers in white shirts and black pants. Awful. That combination always says high school band or waiter to me. And unless they’re all buying the exact same red tie, all the reds will be different, making it more awful. I’m sorry about the situation. All of it. The reason I know about this is because she tasked my sil with picking out a tie that all the pallbearers can wear. She wants them all the same red as some red car he had when they were young. So at least it will be the same red. I agree, it’s not a great look. I admit, I like to dress my own family and coordinate, that said, it’s not a wedding, and I only have minor control issues ;-p, so I can and do let it go. I also know it’s something she needs to do to try to control what she can’t.
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Post by rainangel on Aug 22, 2022 12:24:36 GMT
Based on your description of the spouse it sounds like they are grappling for some sort of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. This will be the last thing they can do/control for their spouse, and it is probably keeping some anxiety at bay on their part. It's a horrible situation for all. I would just buy the clothes if the request comes in.
But I haven't heard of matching clothes at a funeral. That's new to me. I guess I would just see it as a way for the spouse to feel some control. And in this situation I would let them control it.
I am sorry you have an unwell family member.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 22, 2022 12:31:22 GMT
It sounds like you are getting second-hand information. I'd wait until actually asked. Then I'd go along with it to avoid any drama. Walmart pants and shirts would be just fine and not too expensive.
For the record, I have NEVER seen or heard of pallbearers being asked to coordinate their attire.
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Post by lily on Aug 22, 2022 12:33:46 GMT
My husband has been a pall bearer several times and never has there been a dress code request.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 22, 2022 13:04:12 GMT
I might not be exactly honorary it would depend on the timing of the cremation. Both my parents & my sister were cremated after the viewing & the church service so there were pall bearers
We did not pre coordinate that at all though so no one was specifically matching.Heck we didn’t pick pall bearers until day of. I’m sorry for your loss and what your going thru.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 22, 2022 14:16:33 GMT
It sounds like you are getting second-hand information. I'd wait until actually asked. Then I'd go along with it to avoid any drama. Walmart pants and shirts would be just fine and not too expensive. For the record, I have NEVER seen or heard of pallbearers being asked to coordinate their attire. Yeah, I’m going to wait to buy anything else for now. My sil just spoke with her yesterday, and I trust that’s the plan—for now, but things could change a lot, and I think based on recent info, it could be a very long time from now.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 22, 2022 14:18:13 GMT
I might not be exactly honorary it would depend on the timing of the cremation. Both my parents & my sister were cremated after the viewing & the church service so there were pall bearers We did not pre coordinate that at all though so no one was specifically matching.Heck we didn’t pick pall bearers until day of. I’m sorry for your loss and what your going thru. This part I know is decided. Cremation and an urn. Thank you for your thoughts. It’s been a rollercoaster the last few weeks for them and all of us.
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rodeomom
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Post by rodeomom on Aug 22, 2022 14:19:48 GMT
When my MIL died all the pallbearers were her grandsons. They all wore black pants and white shirts. So not a big deal.
If your MIL wants to honor her husband with a red tie, I think that is precious. And such a a small ask.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 22, 2022 14:32:57 GMT
This is interesting; I've never heard of coordinated attire for pallbearers before. Maybe it's common in other areas.
I guess I'd be feeling a little disappointed if I spent time and effort buying some nice clothes for an impending funeral, only to find out something different is needed. I'm sure the family figured that a white shirt and black pants would be an easy ask. Can you return the clothes you bought?
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 22, 2022 15:42:27 GMT
I haven't heard of coordinating outfits for a funeral, but I have usually attended funerals that were held w/in 24-48 hours of the person passing. If you can afford to buy the clothing then I would wait until you need it and then buy it. Teenagers have growth spurts when you least expect it. I'm sorry that your fil is dying. What a stressful and sad time for everyone.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Aug 22, 2022 16:09:34 GMT
I think someone else said something similar, but if you do end up needing new clothes, your local Goodwill may be a great option. Ours has racks and racks of white button down shirts and dressy slacks for men.
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Post by huskermom98 on Aug 22, 2022 16:10:20 GMT
I can understand asking them to wear something in honor of the deceased interests, but matching everything seems to be a bit much.
But as the mother and shopper for 2 teens boys, I understand your desire to not have to shop for extra/one-time use clothes. My boys are tall & skinny and it's hard finding pants that fit when shopping online and even harder, if not impossible, to find the right size pants in person at a decent price.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 22, 2022 16:38:22 GMT
And honestly, everyone should own black pants and a white shirt, that sounds like the person in charge trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone. Neither my DH or DS own either unless you count black jeans. DH spent way too many years in the restaurant business wearing the two together to be interested in them as a wardrobe choice. Can you return what you bought and then just wait until closer, when they are asked? Or, at least the blazers, since they won’t need them for the school stuff this year. Then buy what is asked? Just being completely honest here: I didn’t know this was a thing AT ALL. No idea. I’ve never seen this done. I’ve seen all pallbearers wearing a suit but nothing coordinated. I’ve been a pallbearer five times myself. I will validate this and have never seen pallbearers match and/or wear assigned colors. I can understand asking them to wear something in honor of the deceased interests, but matching everything seems to be a bit much. I have seen this, especially around sports teams which may get a side look or two if the service is in a traditional church. I'm also having a hard time getting past the " honorary pallbearers" concept. Is this so they are listed/recognized in the announcement? It seems even less important that they match given that they aren't actually carrying anything. I'm sorry your family is in this emotional rollercoaster.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 22, 2022 18:01:53 GMT
do as the family asks. the family has enough to deal and someone going off script shouldn't be one of them. if you can't comply, don't be a pallbearer.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 22, 2022 18:19:44 GMT
do as the family asks. the family has enough to deal and someone going off script shouldn't be one of them. if you can't comply, don't be a pallbearer. We are family. It’s been stated now multiple times but not in the OP.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 22, 2022 18:23:29 GMT
do as the family asks. the family has enough to deal and someone going off script shouldn't be one of them. if you can't comply, don't be a pallbearer. We are family. It’s been stated now multiple times but not in the OP. by family, i mean those making the arrangements/requests for attire to wear as pallbearers. what they request should be respected not only because you are "family" but especially because you are family.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Aug 22, 2022 18:44:51 GMT
We are family. It’s been stated now multiple times but not in the OP. by family, i mean those making the arrangements/requests for attire to wear as pallbearers. what they request should be respected not only because you are "family" but especially because you are family. Ok. I’ve also stated I intend to honor her request if I am addressed with it directly. I will put that in the op.
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casii
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Post by casii on Aug 22, 2022 18:58:02 GMT
I have nothing to add other than acknowledging end of life plans can stir up "all the stuff" in families and it can be especially hard to know what the right decisions are.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 23, 2022 10:44:24 GMT
It sounds like you are getting second-hand information. I'd wait until actually asked. Then I'd go along with it to avoid any drama. Walmart pants and shirts would be just fine and not too expensive. For the record, I have NEVER seen or heard of pallbearers being asked to coordinate their attire. Yeah, I’m going to wait to buy anything else for now. My sil just spoke with her yesterday, and I trust that’s the plan—for now, but things could change a lot, and I think based on recent info, it could be a very long time from now. I hope your FIL continues to do well and this becomes a non-issue!
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Post by librarylady on Aug 23, 2022 15:40:27 GMT
Not that it matters, but DH has been a pall bearer several times and the only instruction was "wear a dark suit."
I have never noticed matching ties. I have seen young men who only wore white shirt and tie. I have no problem with that.
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