cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 2:09:42 GMT
Post by cycworker on Aug 30, 2022 2:09:42 GMT
So, thinking about aging parents a lot.
My dad has been having a tough time.... both my parents, really. Dad physically, mom the stress of caring for him. Though part of the problem with Dad is that he's not as... I don't know... strong as he was. He has no, or not much, fight in him. He's just apathetic. He's also am 83 year old Eastern European man who doesn't believe in that 'touchy-feely counselling crap.'
Basically he had a couple falls, and hip surgery. And he's walking, but with a walker, which he HATES. He wants to get back to a cane, at most... but he also isn't super motivated to do the WORK needed to get back in shape enough to achieve that.
So that's the background.
Mom has him in respite this week, in one of the buildings on my complex. He wasn't thrilled - he wanted to stay by himself when plans to have someone stay at the house with him didn't work. But when it came down to her not going on the break (she's on a trip with her sister...she REALLY needs this), he said ok. Even he knew she needs to recharge.
He's settled in.
My question is, I know I'm going to pop over & visit every day. What I'm struggling w/ is dad is NOT a chatty guy. And he doesn't do puzzles. I can probably get him to play some Cribbage... possibly Rummy. But likely Cribbage. So what other things to do? And how long is too long/too short? Even before he got sick, he wasn't one for small talk.
So I'm struggling... I genuinely love my dad. I genuinely want to spend some time with him. I am just REALLY rusty at it.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on Aug 30, 2022 2:17:16 GMT
Does he play Dominoes? Play a game of Cribbage. Take some photos and ask if he knows the people in them - get stories. Maybe something like that could "open him up"
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 30, 2022 2:19:48 GMT
Does he play Dominoes? Play a game of Cribbage. Take some photos and ask if he knows the people in them - get stories. Maybe something like that could "open him up" That's a good idea. There are some trips we have taken as a family I'd like to be reminded of (like, did we go to Mt St Helens on the way TO Colorado or on the way home FROM Colorado?). He is pretty good about talking about geography & history. He can maybe even explain Ukraine to me
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stitchberry
Shy Member
Posts: 49
Aug 25, 2015 16:00:51 GMT
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Post by stitchberry on Aug 30, 2022 2:28:35 GMT
What about a craft you could do together? nothing cheesy. Maybe something that you could do over a few days. something for your mom?
Like someone said above, writing down memories. you could google “writing prompts for seniors?” if they have some old photos in a box, you could get him to tell you about the people in the picture.
Netflix and Prime have good documentaries. Maybe you could find one on a topic he likes and make some snacks.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 30, 2022 2:31:19 GMT
Yeah, I was going to say, talk about the news, or read the newspaper to each other. Talk about things going on at church or in the community. Ask him to tell you about his childhood. I love the idea of talking about Ukraine. Is he actually from there, or was he born in Canada?
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muggins
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,861
Jul 30, 2017 3:38:57 GMT
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Post by muggins on Aug 30, 2022 2:34:58 GMT
I could have written your post almost word for word. My dad is 82, recovering from a long awaited hip operation and my mom is struggling with cater burnout. I stayed with them for a few weeks in June. My mom talks constantly and my dad is very quiet. If I spend time alone with him I ask him questions about things I know he likes, golf, archery, etc. even though I’m not interested myself, it gives him the opportunity to chat about something he enjoys. Is there something your dad enjoys or knows about that you could ask about?
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 30, 2022 3:06:01 GMT
Yeah, I was going to say, talk about the news, or read the newspaper to each other. Talk about things going on at church or in the community. Ask him to tell you about his childhood. I love the idea of talking about Ukraine. Is he actually from there, or was he born in Canada? He was born in Croatia. Doesn't like Russia. Very anti-communist. He KNOWS that history. And if you can find the right subject, my dad, to be fair, is one of those, 'ask what time it is & get a long, drawn out speech on how to build a watch.' The tricky thing is finding that subject with him, especially lately. He's depressed. He used to love to garden and he can't anymore.
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 30, 2022 3:10:25 GMT
Does he need to talk or participate in an activity? I like having company even if we are both just sitting and not talking and doing separate things. Which likely sounds very strange to some people.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 30, 2022 3:12:00 GMT
Gardening Have you seen anything about tabletop Gardening? Quick version: put sides along edge of a picnic table...cover top of table with 6 inches of soil. Plant vegetables or flowers. No stooping or bending but one can put hands in dirt and grow things.
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Post by leannec on Aug 30, 2022 3:20:05 GMT
What about Scrabble? Is his English strong enough to play a simple game of that? My mum LOVES Scrabble. I agree with a PP that even just watching TV together can be fine ... you are together which is what matters!
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kimi
Full Member
Posts: 210
Aug 11, 2020 21:47:04 GMT
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Post by kimi on Aug 30, 2022 4:36:40 GMT
When my Mom was in assisted living, I brought over adult coloring books and we would color together. We didn't have much to talk about so coloring gave us something to do. She couldn't color within the lines anymore, but she participated. (She seemed to have lost interest in everything she used to enjoy like reading, building puzzles, and watching TV. I was glad that she colored with me.)
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 30, 2022 5:25:21 GMT
Gardening Have you seen anything about tabletop Gardening? Quick version: put sides along edge of a picnic table...cover top of table with 6 inches of soil. Plant vegetables or flowers. No stooping or bending but one can put hands in dirt and grow things. Oooh! I think he might find that interesting. He loved to garden back when he could. I think that part of why he's so down is because he can't do that kind of thing anymore. Or he thinks he can't because he can't do it the same way he did before leannec - his English is great. Game-wise though he really only likes card games. I am hoping they have an atlas on the book shelf there. Heck I may go see if I can check one out of the library.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 30, 2022 5:27:36 GMT
Does he need to talk or participate in an activity? I like having company even if we are both just sitting and not talking and doing separate things. Which likely sounds very strange to some people. Not strange at all... he might be just as happy to have company watching TV
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,083
Location: Valley of the Sun
Jul 26, 2014 21:02:07 GMT
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Aug 30, 2022 5:28:59 GMT
Are there things he likes to talk about? Even if it’s stories you’ve heard 100 times, it may cheer him up to talk about things he’s proud of or work he used to do or his childhood or…. For me, my dad loves to tell stories so asking him a basic question could get him going for a while. I used to (and sometimes still) roll my eyes hearing stories multiple times, but as I get older, I appreciate the stories more and more. So, can you get him talking about anything that will bring a smile to his face?
Also, if he likes gardening but can’t do it outside yet, check out aero gardens. They grow inside pretty quickly and you can grow herbs as well as some veggies like lettuce and cherry tomatoes. I live in Phoenix where it’s too hot to have a garden in the summer so we have a couple aero gardens. My mil and ds like to pick out what to grow and like to cook with the herbs. It’s not real gardening, but it’s something that can be done in the house as a “bridge” to real gardening. I think they also have flowers but we grow herbs, lettuces, and tomatoes. The basil has been amazing.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Aug 30, 2022 5:39:22 GMT
Does he have a tv, access to movies and tv shows? Can you bring a laptop? Then you can watch movies or a tv series together. Maybe bring snacks or a treat to share.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,022
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 30, 2022 5:41:44 GMT
If you can get Netflix or similar, pick something that he might be interested in and go from there. E.g. There is a series on unusual sports from around the world, fascinating stuff. Eta, it's called Home Game. I had seen the game Calcio Storico featured in a film but that didn't prepare me for the real thing. Played in Florence for the last 500 years, it's a mix of rugby and martial arts on steroids.
Not sure if you can get this but there is a lovely gardening programme by a Brit called Monty Don, he travels to different parts of the world looking at gardens. It was a little gem and I loved each episode. It featured American gardens, Japanese gardens, Adriatic gardens, just a restful, beautiful piece of filming.
It adds new things to talk about and you could make it an event, turn up with cake and a coffee and a "let's see where we go today" attitude.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 6:08:03 GMT
via mobile
Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 30, 2022 6:08:03 GMT
Maybe just being there with him is all he wants/needs. Offer an activity, but if he just wants to sit with you while you read, knit, whatever, that would suit him.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 6:14:04 GMT
Post by malibou on Aug 30, 2022 6:14:04 GMT
I've been taking care of my mil for awhile now, I've been asking her about things from her childhood, what school was like, if she had boyfriends before she met my fil, what her relationship with her sister was like, what kind of mischief she made as a girl. It's been fun and enlightening. And we watch shows she enjoys.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 6:26:18 GMT
via mobile
elaine likes this
Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Aug 30, 2022 6:26:18 GMT
Gardening Have you seen anything about tabletop Gardening? Quick version: put sides along edge of a picnic table...cover top of table with 6 inches of soil. Plant vegetables or flowers. No stooping or bending but one can put hands in dirt and grow things. Oooh! I think he might find that interesting. He loved to garden back when he could. I think that part of why he's so down is because he can't do that kind of thing anymore. Or he thinks he can't because he can't do it the same way he did before leannec - his English is great. Game-wise though he really only likes card games. I am hoping they have an atlas on the book shelf there. Heck I may go see if I can check one out of the library. Or maybe one of those aerogardens for herbs or tomatoes... I feel like we've got a couple of threads about them, or at least several peas were looking at them, but can't quite remember when that was a thing.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,894
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Aug 30, 2022 10:44:24 GMT
Will he write what he remembers?
There are journals out there that have daily prompts in them. I had gotten them for my parents. They filled out most of the pages. We have them to complete for our daughter. If he won't write, would he respond to the question and then you write the response. This could be something that his wife does when she returns. Imagine the conversations they'd have.
Look on Amazon...I saw one that said something like...Memories from Grandpa and then one for Memories from Grandma.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,741
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Aug 30, 2022 11:39:33 GMT
I ran into this when my Dad first went into assisted living. He was locked up in his room, not taking advantages of any of the activities. Since he was 5 minutes from my house, I'd drop off coffee on my way to work and drop off coffee on my way home. When I could I'd sit and have coffee with him (it was challenging as DH was home with terminal cancer). On the weekends I could spend more time. I'd take DS down or the dogs down and we'd sit outside with coffee. Sometimes we'd have lunch or dinner at the facility. Sometimes he'd want to go shopping. Other times I'd put on a movie, he loved John Wayne, and we'd watch that and since he'd seen them all a million times it would get him talking. I put bird feeders outside his window so he could watch the birds and the bonus was it brought deer and he loved watching them. It was a blessing/curse (middle of the night calls and I'd have to go down there) he was 5 minutes away. My dad was CRUSHED when DH passed and followed him less than 3 months later. DS always said that "Grandpa was too said about losing Dada". My Dad had 2 girls so loved DH like a son. All in all, Dad wasn't a talker and some days it was like pulling teeth. But I will say he warmed up to the assisted living place and ended up being very social to the point that he was cancelling plans with me because he was doing stuff with his friends, which thrilled me because that's what I wanted to happen.
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Post by lisae on Aug 30, 2022 12:04:41 GMT
I think you will need to take your cues from him on how long your visit is. Watch for signs that he is enjoying a game and wants another, is getting tired or seems irritated and wants some alone time. Don't be hurt by the latter. Some people are introverts and just don't want a lot of company even if it is their own family. Let him know you are available and will return the next day.
Can you take him for an outing? Would he enjoy that?
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,384
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 12:12:14 GMT
Post by christinec68 on Aug 30, 2022 12:12:14 GMT
Does he need to talk or participate in an activity? I like having company even if we are both just sitting and not talking and doing separate things. Which likely sounds very strange to some people. Not strange at all... he might be just as happy to have company watching TV My mom enjoys going for rides with me. It's an easy place to chat, just enjoy music or listen to a book/podcast. We'll grab lunch or ice cream (her favorite treat). It's not taxing like a proper outing but it's pretty passive.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 12:56:31 GMT
Post by auntkelly on Aug 30, 2022 12:56:31 GMT
Yeah, I was going to say, talk about the news, or read the newspaper to each other. Talk about things going on at church or in the community. Ask him to tell you about his childhood. I love the idea of talking about Ukraine. Is he actually from there, or was he born in Canada? He was born in Croatia. Doesn't like Russia. Very anti-communist. He KNOWS that history. And if you can find the right subject, my dad, to be fair, is one of those, 'ask what time it is & get a long, drawn out speech on how to build a watch.' The tricky thing is finding that subject with him, especially lately. He's depressed. He used to love to garden and he can't anymore. I would definitely ask him open ended questions about things like why his parents left Croatia and what it was like for him growing up as the son of immigrant parents. I have a 96 year old aunt in memory care at a facility just a few miles from my house. I go see her every other day or so and take her out for an ice cream cone. She literally can’t remember whether she ate lunch an hour earlier and she can’t find her room in the facility by herself, but when I ask her questions about her childhood and early adulthood she can remember the most minute details, and tells the most interesting stories. I honestly enjoy her company very much and I know she loves talking about her childhood. I think it makes her feel relevant to be able to answer questions I have about family history or about life in general in the 40s, 50s and 60s.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 13:29:03 GMT
Post by mikklynn on Aug 30, 2022 13:29:03 GMT
I love all the suggestions so far. I'd add get him outside for short walks or to sit in the sun a few minutes. Can you take him for a drive? We used to take DH's grandma for a drive around the lake or out in the countryside.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Aug 30, 2022 14:40:28 GMT
Can you get him chatting about the old times and memories.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 14:53:28 GMT
Post by jjpeapea on Aug 30, 2022 14:53:28 GMT
Does he follow a sports team? Perhaps you can watch "the game" together.
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Post by craftedbys on Aug 30, 2022 15:49:00 GMT
My Dad (turns 95 in October) lives with us and is also not really chatty. He also isn't into puzzles or games and wanted no part of the exercises the PT suggested.
He is not one to engage in small talk, although will tell stories if I ask about something or bring up a subject he feels like talking about. He will talk to DH while they watch baseball.
Sometimes it is just enough to sit and watch a ballgame (Go Cards!) or a movie with him.
If you have any old pictures you might being them and ask about something or someone and see where the memory takes the conversation. (BTW, hit record on your phone because you may get some stories you haven't heard before. )
A favorite food from the past is also good for bringing up memories or sparking a conversation. Ask questions about foods he loved growing up or how it was prepared.
This is a whole other thread, but I think that older men aren't into a lot of puzzles/games etc because they didn't have a great deal of leisure time while working and raising a family and many times leisure activities were things that is harder to do as they age (woodworking, fishing, golf). Also, some men are so used to being so active when they are younger that it is hard for them to be more sedentary as they get older.
Enjoy your time with your Dad. Elderly parents can take a great deal of our physical and emotional energy, but at the same time it is a blessing to still have them in our lives.
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WWTPD
Aug 30, 2022 16:14:15 GMT
Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 30, 2022 16:14:15 GMT
I was just seeing something about raised garden beds made wheelchair accessible. Basically the garden beds are the correct height for someone sitting. They have to kind of garden from the side. Here are some images of what I am talking about - Garden Beds
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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WWTPD
Aug 31, 2022 4:02:06 GMT
t2x likes this
Post by cycworker on Aug 31, 2022 4:02:06 GMT
UPDATE
I got up, had my own home support, went to my own physio, and hand lunch/did some work. Got over to see dad around 2:00 pm... I think? Maybe a bit after?
I was there until around 3. It went quite well, all things considered.
The man is incredibly stubborn. He dropped something, and I didn't realize it. I wasn't looking because when I arrived he had just gotten out of the bathroom & he was fixing his pants, so I was deliberately looking elsewhere. I was glad to see he got properly dressed, btw... not in PJs.
Anyway... he goes to hang up a jacket and drops one of the hangers. So, instead of saying, "Tania can you pick that up for me,' he is using the thing he puts his shoes on with to try to grab it. MEN. I mean I know I'm in a wheelchair, but I'm really experienced at picking stuff up. LOL. So once I realized what was happening, I said "Have a seat; I can get it," and I did.
He didn't feel like playing cards He did open up about feeling old & stuff & not liking it. I think he's having a REALLY hard time adjusting to aging & all the side effects of it, and yet the more depressed he gets about it, the less he does, and then he actually ends up in a worse place because he's not doing as much. You know the cycle I mean. It's like a car. If you don't drive it long enough, it damages the battery.
Anyway... he was quite talkative. We talked family gossip. We talked about a little political history, and the impact on our family. And family history. And he admitted he's worried about Mom.
It was really good.
The not so good part is that he admitted that he gets tired easily, especially from talking. And the part that concerns me about that is I don't understand it. We can't find a physical reason for it, ya know? They cannot find ANYTHING wrong with him internally (heart, lungs, I mean).
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