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Post by putabuttononit on Nov 8, 2022 20:09:25 GMT
Yes, include her in every way- all of the traditions, etc but give smaller gifts (several to open) for Christmas Day. Your open, warm, and kind actions are ultimately going to be a gift to your son’s heart. He will be very grateful. Someday if this relationship ends - he will recall your support and your relationship with HIM will remain strong. ❤️
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Post by melanell on Nov 8, 2022 20:22:15 GMT
(I haven't read the other responses yet, so sorry if these are all repeats. ) In terms of the PJs, I'd have your DS just ask her if she wants to participate in the tradition. She may not be into that idea at all, so no point in buying them if she's like "Nope, I'm not spending Christmas morning with your family in pajamas." I'd fill the stocking, although not with terribly expensive items. There are lots of useful, fun, or yummy stocking stuffers out there that don't break the bank. As for the gifts----I'd try to give them some couple gifts---maybe things for their apartment or gift cards to places they could go together. And then I would also buy a few gifts just for her. Again, I wouldn't go out of my way to make her gifts be equal in price to your kids' gifts, but I'd try to give her something still nice or useful. (Knowing me, there'd be one of those Kohl's throws involved! ) And to try to make the opening seem more even, I'd hand the girlfriend some of the "couple" gifts to open---that way she still feels like she's opened a little pile of things, even if your kids wind up with more. I remember my first Christmas with DH's family, and I just received a few little gifts and I wasn't in any way upset about that. And same with DH at my parents' house. And perhaps talk to DS1 about what his thoughts are. You don't need to ask him what you asked here, but maybe run gift ideas by him. As in "I thought we'd give "Susie" A, B, & C, and fill her a stocking. Does that sound like something she'd like?" Then DS knows what your plans are, and if he has any thoughts or advice, there's his chance to bring them up. (Because ultimately---buying her gifts is basically something you're doing for him, kwim?)
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 8, 2022 20:41:36 GMT
mom - I'm answering you before reading any other post. From your post, it doesn't sound as if your son has any plans to marry this girl, or in other words, no true commitment plans for the future. Don't treat her as a future DIL if that's the case. I was young once and in the position of this girl. You won't be doing her any favors by promoting the idea that she is or soon will be a member of your family if that's not going to be the case. Instead of PJ's, for example, maybe a new pair of slippers. Something in the ballpark of what the rest of you are doing, but not quite. OR, you can decide that anyone planning to be there at that time will be on the gets new PJ's list. You get to decide, and once you do, tell both kids what they can expect in the future. You and your husband decide any other things you can do now to sidestep any potential hurt feelings, and tell your children what they should expect... if this, than that type of thing. The less surprises, the smoother the day has a chance to run for everyone.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 8, 2022 23:36:17 GMT
Well, technically the PJs aren't all matching. LOL But everyone gets a new set of PJs on Christmas Eve. They tell me what style they want, and I then go pick them. I asked DS1 what he thought and he said include her and to pick some out for her. Id be willing to let this tradition go, but both of my kids want it to continue. The one year I thought my kids were over it (and they run 30 y/o down to 20) they were so upset that I didn't get everyone pjs. So, everyone still gets them - even the boyfriends. They don't match any more - it's usually just pj bottoms with cute t shirts but they want them! Traditions run deep. this is us & sock for Hanukkah - my kids would be upset if there were zero socks
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Nov 8, 2022 23:56:48 GMT
I think you are a very generous person for including her in this way. It sounds like she was not shown how to love because she wasn’t loved as a child. I don’t think you need to spend the same but do give her a gift and buy her the pajamas.
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Post by vsimone on Nov 9, 2022 0:24:31 GMT
I don't have much to add to the wise peas suggestions. I would just suggest letting her know she is not obligated to change into her new PJs. I think it's nice to be given a pair along with everyone else but I personally might feel weird wearing them on my first Christmas with BF's family.
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 9, 2022 0:25:05 GMT
I haven't read all the replies mom but I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot. ((hugs)).
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pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Nov 9, 2022 5:20:38 GMT
As someone who was her age (13 years ago, my god), a girlfriend (but liked, ha), and brought to Christmas, I think:
PJs: Not necessary but if you get them don’t get expensive ones this year Gifts: Nothing close to what your sons get…2 gifts (plus stocking) is plenty, if they’re moderately nice. I would give real gifts instead of a gift card since it’s easier to shop for deals and get things that seem nicer than the amount you paid. If that makes sense.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 11, 2022 19:28:40 GMT
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Post by floridagirl on Nov 22, 2022 16:12:08 GMT
here's my 2 cents (and sorry if it seems harsh): Do we spend the same amount on the GF? Heck No. she is not even the wife or fiancee. Do a nice gift card and call it a day? yes and "nice" would be generous considering what happened during the incident. Do more than just a gift card but less than what sons get? Nope. gift card is fine. remember how she was during the incident. she's lucky she's getting a gift card at all. oh, and the PJ thing--- like i said, she's not a wife or fiancee. no PJ's unless you are trying to put on a show for instagram or FB and then that's on you if she thinks she just got elevated to wife or fiancee status. I agree with this and feel like actions (her bad ones) have consequences.
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Post by andreasmom on Nov 22, 2022 22:12:11 GMT
Maybe I’m the odd one out on this one: Stocking: yes PJs: nope. She’s not fiancee or wife. If consensus is to get her pjs, the i suggest it is not the same one as the rest of the family. Choose a similar pattern or color, but no matching set. Gift: small gift, no jewelry. As a GF, i never expected the same amount of money spent on me (and as a 25 yr wife, still not happening). Find out her favorite store (so he understands you made an effort) and get a gc.
In awe of how you’re handling this with grace. I can’t stomach my daughter’s ex (he hurt her deeply) and am not sure i could do what you’re doing if she ever forgave him.
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Post by Really Red on Nov 22, 2022 22:22:33 GMT
I didn't see that you made a final choice. I hope that it is for complete inclusion. Here is what I personally think (and no one else has to - this is just me):
Worst case: No one gets hurt when you include her. No one is upset. You are out a bit of money. If you can afford it, it's worth it. Best case: She thaws a bit. Maybe she starts seeing something else in you and your son.
The value added here is high when you include her. It's not so great when you don't. In this specific case, it doesn't hurt to be the bigger person. You do not know what that might mean to her, even if you would never see her again.
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Post by circusjohnson on Nov 22, 2022 22:25:16 GMT
I would do everything you do for your kids since she will be there. If you do PJ's you should give her some too. Stocking - yes. I wouldn't do as much as you do for the boys but I would try to have something or two for her to open. So a cute sweater, maybe a scarf and gloves. Not overboard but something so she doesn't feel slighted. They live together, so obviously she's important to your son. You want to keep a good relationship with her in case they do get married and have kids. You also don't want to alienate your son who may feel you aren't treating her well. I think it's intresting that your son told you about her upbringing, maybe he is hoping that you show her what a family Christmas looks like.
I have been in this situation and it's difficult, luckily my son and hos girlfriend broke up after about two years of dating/ living together.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Dec 13, 2022 1:31:30 GMT
What did you decide to do?
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Dec 13, 2022 3:03:09 GMT
Yes to the stocking and the PJs.
As for the gift, I'd get her a giftcard and one more gift, but certainly not spending what I'd spend on my kid (at this point in their relationship).
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