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Post by mom on Nov 7, 2022 23:00:32 GMT
PLEASE DONT QUOTE MY ORIGINAL POST. I WILL DELETE IT SO IT CANT BE FOUND LATER BY HER
Most here know I am not a fan of my oldest son's girlfriend....yeah, he's still with the same one from when he had a suicide attempt. She's the one who didn't call 911 until DS was having seizures and then MIA for a week while he was in ICU.
They are still living together and to be nice about it, the relationship has so many red flags it could be a parade. Seriously, there are major issues and on any given day, there is a fight and DS is getting kicked out of their apartment that he pays 1/2 the rent on. But thats another story for another day.
DS1 knows our feelings about her, but DS is choosing to still bring her to Christmas at my house.
Here's what she will be here for and the questions I have:
Stocking Opening - I will have her one, with a few things in it
Opening PJS on Christmas Eve - do I get her a pair too? I am assuming yes, but that also seems more personal than a stocking. I considered dropping this all together as both boys are early 20's but both were adamant we not stop it. *sigh*
Gifts - we usually spoil our adult sons at Christmas since they pay their own way the rest of the year. Do we spend the same amount on the girlfriend? Do a nice giftcard and call it good? Do more than just a gift card but less than what sons get?
She comes from a lower income family, and according to DS1, she has never had a Christmas like we do. DS1 and her are just scraping by as they are just really starting out on their own and having all of their own bills. She just turned 21.
I feel like I am straddling a line of being nice + trying to be happy since DS1 is choosing her and not really wanting to encourage their relationship (I realize how horrible that sounds).
I want to make it clear: I will be hospitable and polite while she is in our house. DH + I will absolutely bite our tongue and smile. My questions are how to handle the gift side of things. I dont want to burn any bridges incase they ever do end up married or have kids together.
What would you do? This is the first time either son has brought a girlfriend home for Christmas and definitely the first time we haven't like the girlfriend, period. I dont want to mess this up.
Just in case it's relevant: DS2 has a girlfriend also, but she will be at her parents home for Christmas. She's a college student in a different state than DS2 so they dont live together either. We plan on sending her a gift card to Lululemon, so that is something she likes.
I have to take a friend dinner here in a bit, so I will wont be back to answer questions til later.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Nov 7, 2022 23:08:28 GMT
If both of your DS's want the PJ's I say buy them for her too.
On-the-other-hand, I wouldn't spend nearly as much on her as you spend on your DS's. I'd buy her a few nice things and call it a day. OR spend the same about on DS1 and her as you spend on DS2. When I was single and my sister had a DH and DD, they spent equal amounts on me as they did on my sister's family. Does that make sense?
I've never been in your shoes but I feel great empathy for you.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,562 
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Post by MerryMom on Nov 7, 2022 23:09:13 GMT
Stocking: yes
PJ: no
Gift: I don’t think you spend as much for gifts for girlfriend/boyfriend as you do for your children. I change it if kids get married. Gift card is fine, but perhaps a small gift to open.
ETA: perhaps ask her if she wants the matching PJs.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,583
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Nov 7, 2022 23:09:54 GMT
More than a gift card, less than what DS gets This would be my choice. Actually, I'd probably get her a gift card to someplace she'd like, and then some other inexpensive things so she'd have a few more things to open (I'm thinking a Kohl's throw, scented shower gel, or something like that). Edited because I had quoted OP  |
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Post by summer on Nov 7, 2022 23:11:26 GMT
Since she is going to be there for the whole Christmas holiday I would get her a stocking and the pjs and a gift, but you don’t have to spend as much as you do on your children. It would be weird if everyone else has matching pjs and not her. Even though you aren’t fond of her be hospitable and welcoming which I’m sure you will be, it will mean a lot to your son and make a nicer holiday for everyone.
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Post by hopemax on Nov 7, 2022 23:15:23 GMT
As I've gotten older, I've realized that I would rather err on the side of kindness. Especially, when dealing with someone who did not have the opportunities I did. For a person who has had it rough, and I could afford it, I would make it a nice Christmas. Even if they disappeared out of my life tomorrow. Perhaps not *as* much as you would spend on your sons, if it really is a lot, but nice not token. Maybe don't think as it being about her, but the spirit of the season?
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Post by littlemama on Nov 7, 2022 23:18:08 GMT
Stocking and PJs, yes. I dont think a girlfriend warrants equal gift value the way a spouse would, but she should have gifts. You could do a mix of a couple nicer items and then some less expensive items.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Nov 7, 2022 23:18:47 GMT
Yes to the stocking and PJs. As for the rest, can your gifts lean more towards couple gifts (restaurant gift cards, kitchen gadgets, etc) vs individual gifts for ds & gf? Then at least your ds would benefit.
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Post by ~summer~ on Nov 7, 2022 23:23:07 GMT
Stocking: yes PJ: no Gift: I don’t think you spend as much for gifts for girlfriend/boyfriend as you do for your children. I change it if kids get married. Gift card is fine, but perhaps a small gift to open. i agree with this. |
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Post by librarylady on Nov 7, 2022 23:26:32 GMT
Stocking and PJs, yes. I dont think a girlfriend warrants equal gift value the way a spouse would, but she should have gifts. You could do a mix of a couple nicer items and then some less expensive items. This ^^^^
As another person said, it could be awkward if everyone has matching PJs and she is left out.
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Post by leannec on Nov 7, 2022 23:26:38 GMT
Stocking: Yes PJ's: Yes Gift: Yes ... a gift card to a place that she enjoys and a few less expensive things to open ... make it a nice Christmas for her.  * Do not feel obligated to spend the same amount on girlfriend as you spend on your ds's ... I spend waaaay more on my dd's than I do on their boyfriends (even though one boyfriend has been around for almost eight years!).  |
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Post by papersilly on Nov 7, 2022 23:29:11 GMT
here's my 2 cents (and sorry if it seems harsh):
Do we spend the same amount on the GF? Heck No. she is not even the wife or fiancee.
Do a nice gift card and call it a day? yes and "nice" would be generous considering what happened during the incident.
Do more than just a gift card but less than what sons get? Nope. gift card is fine. remember how she was during the incident. she's lucky she's getting a gift card at all.
oh, and the PJ thing--- like i said, she's not a wife or fiancee. no PJ's unless you are trying to put on a show for instagram or FB and then that's on you if she thinks she just got elevated to wife or fiancee status.
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 7, 2022 23:41:54 GMT
Yes to the stocking
Yes to the PJs
I would do a gift card and some small gifts. Everyone likes to have a few gifts to open.
I would not spend as much on her as you do on your sons. That said, in the spirit of the season, I would err on the side of generosity. I feel for you, and hope that all goes smoothly.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 7, 2022 23:51:59 GMT
Stocking, yes. It can be done economically. A bag of Goldfish crackers take up lot of space.
Pjs yes.
Gift, moderate. No where near what you buy DSs. You can made them look good by wrapping well, bows and stuff. Something with her name on it.....makes it thoughtful.
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Post by gar on Nov 7, 2022 23:56:45 GMT
Stocking- yes
Pjs- hard for me to answer because we’ve never done that and I can’t imagine a group of adults sitting around in matching pj’s. Maybe ask DS what he thinks on that one?
Gift - a few things to open would be generous of you but not to the same value as your son’s gifts, nope.
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Post by juanita on Nov 8, 2022 0:02:31 GMT
Pj Yes
Gift yes. Maybe you could get them a together gift since you said they are just starting out. Maybe a experience. Something they like in the area they are. I would also get her a gift card to her favourite store. You said you were sending your other sons gf a Lulu gc, you could get her the same, 21 year olds love that stuff.
Also hugs.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,812
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Post by Just T on Nov 8, 2022 0:02:40 GMT
I haven't read any responses because I don't want them to influence what I say.
My thought is that if she is going to be there when your family does the pjs, get them for her, too. I think if you don't, it will look awkward , and she and your son may resent you for it.
You can certainly give her a gift without spending the same amount you spend on your sons. My daughter has had a couple of significant others at Christmas time, and I got them a gift, but I did not spend what I spent on my daughter.
Even though you do not care for her, do whatever you would do to make anyone feel welcome. If they end up together, you don't want her to be able to say, "Your mom has never treated me well!" Your son may eventually come to the realization on his own that this is not a healthy relationship, so if you are as supportive as you can be now, he will hopefully know you will be there for him if/when it all falls apart.
My youngest daughter was in a 3 year relationship with a guy I did NOT like. He drank too much, manipulated her emotionally in so many ways. I was just as supportive as I could be. When he came here for Christmas, I got him a gift. I was so nice to him. She eventually broke up with him and is now with the absolute sweetest guy who I love. She has told me numerous times that she appreciates how I was always nice to him even though I didn't like him.
Good luck whatever you decide to do. These situations are sooooooo tricky.
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Post by cmpeter on Nov 8, 2022 0:05:11 GMT
Stockings - yes
Pj's - yes
Gifts - no I wouldn't spend the same amount, but I might make an effort to have the same # of gifts. That's because we go around in a circle with each person opening a gift and it would be awkward if she had significantly fewer gifts.
As a former girl friend and even now a DIL, I wouldn't expect my in-laws to spend the same amount on me that they do their son.
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Post by PenandInk on Nov 8, 2022 0:10:48 GMT
I’ve been in this situation. I get it. I agree with you to err on the side of they may get married and have kids. Yes to the stocking, yes to the PJ’s, yes to the small gift, or even several small gifts so she’s not left watching everyone else unwrap a pile of gifts. You want to be sure he feels supported in the relationship. Even though you dislike her. Believe me, I get it. Your child needs to feel supported so he can make his own decision about her and not react to your dislike. He may just marry her and you’ll have to grit your teeth for years.
Just think about how many members here talk about how their MIL never liked them, and treat them like crap. So many horrible stories here.Every time I read one of those stories, I wonder what the MIL sees that makes her dislike the pea involved. The stories also include the pea pulling the DH away from his “horrible family”. Now I’m not saying you’d be that horrible family, but think long term.
I’ve been there. Watched my DD struggle with two terrible relationships that have had serious effects on her mental health. As much as we despised each of these young men, she had to see it for herself and not feel she was fighting us too. We included them in every get together, as much as it killed us to do so.
ETA: You are not encouraging the relationship if you kindly include her. You’re supporting your son.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 8, 2022 0:16:48 GMT
I would do the "polite and civil" thing.
Stocking.
Inexpensive pajamas.
Movie gift card (so they can both see the movie)
Inexpensive token items (scarf, candle, etc...).
$2-$3 candy cane full of snickers, reese's, rolos, etc...
Polite and civil. Spend as little money as possible, including her because you "have to" not want to.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 8, 2022 0:23:33 GMT
It’s easy enough to do the stocking and the PJs so I would do them. I would get her one or two nicer things and several smaller gifts especially since it sounds like you go all out for your kids. Get her just enough so things LOOK even, even if you aren’t *spending* the same amount on her as you do for them. (And no, you shouldn’t spend the same on her as you do on your own kids. She isn’t a fiancée or a spouse.)
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 8, 2022 0:25:30 GMT
Stocking and PJs, yes. I dont think a girlfriend warrants equal gift value the way a spouse would, but she should have gifts. You could do a mix of a couple nicer items and then some less expensive items. I agree. I’d err on the side of inclusion. |
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Post by Hayjaker on Nov 8, 2022 0:29:09 GMT
Stockings - yes Pj's - yes Gifts - no I wouldn't spend the same amount, but I might make an effort to have the same # of gifts. That's because we go around in a circle with each person opening a gift and it would be awkward if she had significantly fewer gifts. As a former girl friend and even now a DIL, I wouldn't expect my in-laws to spend the same amount on me that they do their son. This is exactly what I would do. Maybe not the same $$ amount overall, but the same number of gifts. And I would try to be as thoughtful as possible. Gift giving reflects more on the giver than the receiver. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 8, 2022 0:31:26 GMT
If both of your DS's want the PJ's I say buy them for her too.
On-the-other-hand, I wouldn't spend nearly as much on her as you spend on your DS's. I'd buy her a few nice things and call it a day. OR spend the same about on DS1 and her as you spend on DS2. When I was single and my sister had a DH and DD, they spent equal amounts on me as they did on my sister's family. Does that make sense? I've never been in your shoes but I feel great empathy for you. That. Do the basic minimum of being nice. Ugh - I'm sorry. I hope he sees the light soon. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Nov 8, 2022 0:43:37 GMT
Instead of matching PJs could you get like coordinating ones? That way its not so YOU ARE A PART OF THE FAMILY FOR SURE. but then she's not left out either, and if no one matches, then its not a huge deal? i like the idea of couple gift cards so your DS can benefit from them too  |
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Post by finsup on Nov 8, 2022 0:51:01 GMT
You’re a good mom, mom. 😊
I agree with everyone else about yes to stocking and pjs, yes to gifts but not as much as you spend on your sons.
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Post by quinlove on Nov 8, 2022 1:07:53 GMT
((( mom )))
I agree with stocking, matching pj and gifts. I know that you will make this a wonderful Christmas for everyone.
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Post by quinmm14 on Nov 8, 2022 1:07:55 GMT
I’ve been in this situation. I get it. I agree with you to err on the side of they may get married and have kids. Yes to the stocking, yes to the PJ’s, yes to the small gift, or even several small gifts so she’s not left watching everyone else unwrap a pile of gifts. You want to be sure he feels supported in the relationship. Even though you dislike her. Believe me, I get it. Your child needs to feel supported so he can make his own decision about her and not react to your dislike. He may just marry her and you’ll have to grit your teeth for years. Just think about how many members here talk about how their MIL never liked them, and treat them like crap. So many horrible stories here.Every time I read one of those stories, I wonder what the MIL sees that makes her dislike the pea involved. The stories also include the pea pulling the DH away from his “horrible family”. Now I’m not saying you’d be that horrible family, but think long term. I’ve been there. Watched my DD struggle with two terrible relationships that have had serious effects on her mental health. As much as we despised each of these young men, she had to see it for herself and not feel she was fighting us too. We included them in every get together, as much as it killed us to do so. ETA: You are not encouraging the relationship if you kindly include her. You’re supporting your son. I agree with showing support for your son. My dd sure brought home some doozies in her dating years and I realized the more obvious my dislike of them was the more attractive they became to her. I know it won't be easy for you because she was such a shit to your son, so I'm right there with you holding my nose as you're being *nice* to her. |
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gramma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,039
Location: Sacramento, Ca
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Post by gramma on Nov 8, 2022 1:33:18 GMT
I'm in this situation now. The woman my son is with is evil. I can't stand her. She gets the same number of gifts the other "kids" get. I don't spend the same $$ on her though. And I don’t do it for her, I do it for him.
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Post by supersoda on Nov 8, 2022 1:37:46 GMT
I'm sorry. I know it's tough, and good for you for keeping it civil.
I agree with the others, yes on stocking and PJ's. For other gifts, I would look at how they're presented. Are you getting your boys a couple of pricey items or a pile of smaller gifts? It might be awkward if your boys each have a big pile and you just get her a GC--in that case I'd probably find several not-very-expensive things to even out the piles and give her something to unwrap. Otherwise, I'd get a gift card and call it good.
You could also consider couple gifts since they're living together. Stuff for the house, games, restaurant cards, etc. I tend to do this when there are spouses I don't know well or don't care for, but maybe it's a passive-aggressive habit I should break.
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