Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 16:43:27 GMT
I didn't read all the pages, but I can't for the life of me understand people who value things/stuff/items over relationships and people's feelings. Regardless if you like the person or not (hello your family?!) but how do u value stuff so much?? it's stuff! You really need to read the whole thread.   I was initially on the side of just giving her back the chair, but I am now in the camp of never, not in any way, doing so. But it looks like the OP's DH trumps us all. He is a keeper. Too bad his mom doesn't realize it. I have 3 kids, and I would never show favoritism over one and not the others. And they know it. My heart hurts for your DH. |
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Post by jjpswife on Dec 11, 2014 16:45:26 GMT
Too funny! Made me think of The Help and the toilets!
I'm sorry for your situation. That really sucks.
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 11, 2014 16:52:58 GMT
DH is a saint, even though it pisses me off sometimes. I have had to deal with this lady for 19 years and she is a piece of work. Surprisingly enough, she set DH and I up, I use to work with her and she thought I was wonderful, until I married her son. I've gone through years of being ignored, which whatever, I'm a big girl, but when it comes to her treatment of my children and DH, that is where I get irate.
A few years ago, I got really pissed over something pretty huge the family did and I refused to step foot in any of their homes. It ended up being DH and my kids who suffered and wanted to know why they couldn't go see their cousins and family for Thanksgiving and Christmas like we always do... So, I bucked it up and am back to sitting through the BS with a smile on my face. A couple days per year of pain for me it worth to see DH and the kids happy.
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 11, 2014 16:55:41 GMT
Let's see if this works! link |
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~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
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Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Dec 11, 2014 16:56:10 GMT
We have a situation with my MIL and a chair and I don't know if I am looking for advice or just need to vent. Either way, I thought the peas would enjoy this doosy. DH bought his parents house 20 years ago (before we were married) when they moved to another town close by. When they moved MIL and FIL left tons of stuff in the garage and the attic (i.e. paperwork, small furniture, etc). Basically stuff they did not want to have to move with them and DH later had to dispose of. Well, there was this chair. It is a small, low sitting wood frame chair with upholster cushions that his parents had moved from their prior home and had sat in the attic since DH was a child. Over the past 10+ years, DH has asked his parents (who have since moved across the country) about the chair and it went from yes, we want it, we will have it shipped to us, to no, we don't want it. A couple years ago we sold the house and DH again asked his parents if they wanted it because if not, this was our opportunity to either toss it or use it in our house. MIL said no, we don't want it, toss if you don't want it. DH decides he wanted to use it, so we had it refinished and picked out a cool fabric to have it reupholstered. The fabric is quite unique and we had other pillows and curtains picked out to go with the chair and coordinated our living room colors and style around the fabric. We spent over $600 on this chair, which is a little crazy, but I knew it had sentimental value to DH. DH's parents have only been to our house one time since we moved and DH was excited to show them what he did with the chair. They were a little passive and I though it was strange, but so are they, so whatever. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and we saw his mom at a family party and she told DH she was upset because she want the chair. She said he must have misunderstood because she never told him she did not want it. I was livid when DH told me. First because MIL rarely calls or talks to DH, it's totally a one-sided relationship, and the first time she sees him in months, she has to tell him she is upset about the chair and has obviously been harboring this for over a year. Second, this chair is special to DH because of the sentimental value and link to his family. His parents show favoritism to a couple of the siblings and grandchildren and have given them several pieces of furniture over the years. In addition, FIL gave SIL's husband his train set from childhood that DH has expressed over the years he would love to have. I am just disgusted at how these people act. DH and I agreed we will give them the chair and they will pay us for what we put into it, but it just makes me sad for DH that his mom is doing this. Some people... Sounds like my inlaws.... |
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Post by scrappysurfer on Dec 11, 2014 17:25:16 GMT
Love the chair. Love love love it. It's unique and beautiful and the only reason MIL wants it is because you want it and have made it beautiful.
They are bullying your DH and it makes me ill, and I don't even know you! They sound like my BIL. He was adopted at birth and MIL has always tried to "compensate" by spoiling him. And when he doesn't get his way he bullies and throws a toddler tantrum and even goes to physical violence. So instead DH has learned to just give in and give him anything he wants. It's disgusting and I hate it and I finally had to put my foot down and make DH choose, not only for my sanity but for DH's health. Their relationship is distant but there's really no other way to have it.
I know it's ultimately your DH'S decision but I hope he reconsiders. It will not solve anything in their relationship.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Dec 11, 2014 17:35:37 GMT
I totally get where you're coming from regarding your husband's feelings, it's easy to go all mama bear over that stuff. when MIL was late to our wedding, requiring us to hold the ceremony to wait for her, i could've happily murdered her. not because she was messing up "my day", but because i knew how it was making DH feel, and i was so angry that she would be so careless and hurt him that way. can i place a bet on what is going to happen from here? MIL will request that the chair be brought to SIl's house where she currently is, and they will handle getting it home to their house. which will turn into the chair sitting at SILs indefinitely and becoming hers.  truly i hope that she never follows thru on any of this and it remains with you tho. good luck! (passes OP a virtual bottle of wine) |
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Dec 11, 2014 17:38:07 GMT
I didn't read all the pages, but I can't for the life of me understand people who value things/stuff/items over relationships and people's feelings. Regardless if you like the person or not (hello your family?!) but how do u value stuff so much?? it's stuff! I am all about valuing people who value you. Period. What the heck does DNA have to do with anything?
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valleyview
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Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Dec 11, 2014 17:45:10 GMT
I made a comment yesterday that I still stand by.
I have more to add, and even w/o reading the entire thread, I will say that your situation has really hit a nerve for many of us. This type of family drama is not so uncommon. I even know a person who fought for reupholstered chairs in a divorce!
I had something similar happen last year with SILs. DH was taking a piece of furniture wirth about $75. His sister went crazy - and she did not even want it! It seemed that she wanted $25. Now, all property is divided, SIL #2 took it and no money changed hands. This was all in secret. We have no furniture and no $25. DH saw behavior that had previously only been directed towards me.
You all need to decide what is really going on and why MIL wants this chair. I bet someone else wants it.
Good luck, and btw, I love the chair!
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:40:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 17:48:01 GMT
I love that chair. So unique; has a retro vibe going but with the fabric feels very cozy. I know it's your husband's family and I have a lot of respect for you in letting him deal with the situation. I would be so tempted to call FIL and say you said you would cover the cost of the chair; it's $600.00. In my mind, I'd be like I'm all ready the beyotch of the family, who the hell cares?  |
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Post by cade387 on Dec 11, 2014 18:04:54 GMT
My DH has similar issues with his parents (not as drastic, but he and I have similar conversations). I draw the line where things affect our household. He and I are a team. I have a 50% say in the decisions in our house (as does he about my family). If he and I had the discussions you are having and he still gave back the chair, we would have problems between us. Both of our feelings should be respected. By him caving and sending it, honestly it is a slap in my face more than it is to give in to her. That is how we roll; I know others are different. But you are his wife and that should be more important than placating his mother But *if* I were to ever be talked into giving back the chair it would have a list of restrictions on it: 1. pay back the $600 2. you remove the special fabric from it (and charge them for that too if it has to be done by a professional) 3. charge them additionally what it would take to have a similarly sized chair purchased and covered in the fabric. 4. make them pay all fees for shipping it (packing materials and postage) 5. If they get scrappy, I'd mention hat at least you weren't charging them back storage fees for the last 20 years plus interest 6. I would stipulate that the chair cannot be given to any other sibling and that when they pass it is to be left to your DH in his will. If they crab about point 6, I would mention that they seem to think they have a say over something that is yours and has been for 20 years, so you should have an equal say about something in their house. I know that it may not be legally binding and they will do what they want but it would drive the point home about things not making it to your DH over other siblings as well. If they still crab - take them on Judge Judy - you have a great case  |
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Post by BeckyTech on Dec 11, 2014 19:10:45 GMT
I hope before he gives it up that even though you can't show him the thread you can at least talk to him and tell him it's not about the chair at all but her power and desire to have control. Control over making him miserable. Really, what a nasty woman. He needs to take back his power!
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Post by 1lear on Dec 11, 2014 19:15:11 GMT
The chair is cool-looking. You should put it up for auction and tell your MIL she's welcome to bid on it-I'd place a bid!
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:40:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 19:24:56 GMT
BTW I really love the way the tree looks with the Christmas tree. It's so cozy and unique.
Your husband sounds like a great guy. Feel free to pass off the suggestions on this thread as your own, without telling him you posted here. We're all rooting for the chair.
And if the miserable bitch ends up with the chair, I hope it falls apart on her.
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Post by ptamom on Dec 11, 2014 19:41:51 GMT
BTW I really love the way the tree looks with the Christmas tree. It's so cozy and unique. Your husband sounds like a great guy. Feel free to pass off the suggestions on this thread as your own, without telling him you posted here. We're all rooting for the chair. And if the miserable bitch ends up with the chair, I hope it falls apart on her. Perhaps a few load-bearing screws would go missing during shipping?  |
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Dec 11, 2014 19:44:40 GMT
The chair is cool-looking. You should put it up for auction and tell your MIL she's welcome to bid on it-I'd place a bid! I would totally bid on that chair too. LOVE the shutters you've got behind them too! |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 11, 2014 21:07:31 GMT
I LOVE YOU ALL!!! I so wish I could share this with DH, but never in a million years would I show him this thread, he would be pissed that I posted about this. He is anti social media and hates sharing personal stuff (wierdo, I know). I got home last night and DH was measuring the chair and I asked what he was doing. He said MIL texted him and asked him to send the measurements of The Chair. I went off. Seriously the lady never contacts him. She has been in town since early November and we have seen her twice, once for a bday party and once on Thanksgiving and the only thing she has spoken to him about is this stupid chair, other than that, not a peep. We invited her to DS football game and she had other plans. She is just a rotten person. Unfortunately since this is DH family, I have no say over the chair. DH is done with it and I am 100% sure he will give her the chair. He is pissed because I keep mentioned the money, but hell if I am going to give up the chair and be out all the money we put into it, especially knowing a replacement chair will cost more. Hey, maybe the peas can start dropping off old chairs in her driveway. They would come home from Christmas in CA and have a driveway full of old broken down chairs. Any peas in NC?  I took a picture last night and saved it on my desktop, but I don't know how to link it. I'm in NC I can drop a crappy chair by her house. |
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Post by jmurray on Dec 11, 2014 21:36:03 GMT
I love that chair, and love how you've done it up. I'd go all Charlton Heston on your MIL over that chair ("from my cold dead hands"). but you're in a sticky situation with your DH. If it were me, I'd try my best to make my DH see how giving her the chair will not give him the mother he wants. But It sounds like he is over it now and more discussions will likely create tension between you and him. So is it worth it?
You can look at this two ways: 1) she wins if you give her the chair, or 2) you win because you're the kind of person who deep down knows it's just a chair and you're above all that nonsense.
I know you could be out $600. That sucks. I would definitely try to at least recoup that, but it's unlikely your DH is going to change his pattern of dealing with her after so many years. It would annoy me no end, and I don't usually adopt the position of DH"s decisions trump mine. But in this case it might be the best way to put this at rest... And I cringed even as I typed that. I just don't see a happy alternative.
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Post by jonda1974 on Dec 11, 2014 21:49:56 GMT
I LOVE YOU ALL!!! I so wish I could share this with DH, but never in a million years would I show him this thread, he would be pissed that I posted about this. He is anti social media and hates sharing personal stuff (wierdo, I know). I got home last night and DH was measuring the chair and I asked what he was doing. He said MIL texted him and asked him to send the measurements of The Chair. I went off. Seriously the lady never contacts him. She has been in town since early November and we have seen her twice, once for a bday party and once on Thanksgiving and the only thing she has spoken to him about is this stupid chair, other than that, not a peep. We invited her to DS football game and she had other plans. She is just a rotten person. Unfortunately since this is DH family, I have no say over the chair. DH is done with it and I am 100% sure he will give her the chair. He is pissed because I keep mentioned the money, but hell if I am going to give up the chair and be out all the money we put into it, especially knowing a replacement chair will cost more. Hey, maybe the peas can start dropping off old chairs in her driveway. They would come home from Christmas in CA and have a driveway full of old broken down chairs. Any peas in NC? I took a picture last night and saved it on my desktop, but I don't know how to link it. It sounds like your husband is a really great guy. With that said, it is time that he put you first. After 19 years of the treatment you have received from his family, he needs to put you ahead of his mother. I hate to say that, but it's true. He's not putting your feelings first in this matter, and you seriously need to express that with him. And the argument that they are his family just doesn't hold water after 19 years. You have married into that family, which means you have as much right to tell this woman what for as he does. If he won't stand up for himself, you need to. If he won't stand up for you, you need to as well. If he still insists on sending it back, make sure that an entire bottle of wine spills on it the day it gets packed up for shipping. Do not let this woman win. |
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Post by kimmie75 on Dec 11, 2014 21:50:14 GMT
The chair looks so pretty, especially with the tree.
Trying to think of what the best thing to do is....and I guess it is to keep peace with your husband. : (
We all know the "right" thing to do would be to screw her...but I don't want this making things difficult for you at home and of course now every time you see the chair, it is going to cause feelings to stir.
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Post by johna on Dec 11, 2014 22:26:21 GMT
I love the treatment on the chair, and you have a very lovely living room from what I can see. I imagine the rest is as gorgeous!
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Post by peasapie on Dec 11, 2014 22:29:39 GMT
i would play the passive aggressive game right back. OH yes we plan on giving you the chair, but we need to find one to replace it. Yes we will get the chair right to you. Now is a good time... well Tommy has his heart set on sitting in THAT chair on his birthday, maybe you can get it sometime after that!! Brilliant. I love this approach. |
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Post by hop2 on Dec 11, 2014 22:35:13 GMT
If you give her the chair while she is staying at the favored siblings house she will leave it there and they won't want it and it will end up at the curb on garbage day! |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 11, 2014 22:38:29 GMT
I would light that sucker on fire before I ever gave it back. If my husband had a problem with that it wouldn't be about the chair. I can't help but think after 19 years why is your husband deferring to his mother against your family? I'm afraid I would not stand for that. like others have said it's about control and giving her what she wants just encourages that behavior in the future.
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 11, 2014 23:04:14 GMT
Thank you. The chair is definitely unique and that is why we like it so much.
I get what you all are saying about DH letting his mother win and there being a bigger picture. We have argued and argued about this for so long and I am exhausted. I have posted on here a few times about her antics and the chair is minor in comparison, but it's my breaking point.
His family is so strange and since he was raised in that environment, I think it makes it so much harder for him to see how wrong these things are and how manipulative his mom is. Luckily I rarely have to deal with his family, but it always seems to build when the holidays approach and I have to see them.
Over the last few years, with all the crap she has pulled, DH is finally coming around to where he sees what she does and he says he doesn't even like being around her. I think for him it's just easier to give it up and be done with it. For me it's principal.
When decorating the tree this year, we had a laugh over my Christmas present from his parents last year. It was this piece of crap old silver ornament that had a piece of wire on it and no hook. I opened it and pulled it out and just stared at it and MIL said, "Isn't is cool? It's a vintage father Christmas ornament." I wanted to say, "Are you F@cking kidding me?!?" That was my present. DH and I finally can laugh about it. I can't wait to see what I get this year, maybe a half chewed sock?
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Dec 11, 2014 23:20:31 GMT
Lovely chair. I am certain you will miss it but better to have peace with your DH than a chair.
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:40:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 23:22:37 GMT
peanuttle, your DH sounds so much like mine. His mother has always treated him terribly. She's very manipulative and controlling. It took him a long, long time to see how subtly she did it, too. After I had an epic meltdown over how she treated him, he finally realized that it was taking a toll on ME to see him accept her emotional abuse. He had been conditioned over the years to just take it. Same with his dad and brother. They all let that woman walk all over them! Well, he's come a long way. When she starts the subtle little digs, he shuts her down. If she keeps up, he reminds her that he deserves respect and won't be talked to like that. Then he hangs up the phone or walks away. But it's still easy for him to slip back into those old passive habits. Thankfully he has me to remind him not to.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 23:31:02 GMT
The chair is beautiful and looks great by your tree |
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AmeliaBloomer
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Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Dec 11, 2014 23:33:07 GMT
If reupholstering weren't so damned expensive, I'd be so tempted to re-cover the chair in a fabric/color similar to the old fabric.
"Surprise! We're so sorry we messed with your (beloved) chair. My mistake. Look, I made it look like it used to look!"
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Dec 12, 2014 0:16:44 GMT
Did your Dh remind your MIL of the numerous times she said she didn't want the chair?
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