TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Dec 12, 2014 0:36:02 GMT
Let's see if this works! linkI love the style of this chair! I'm so sorry you're going to have to give it up. Your poor DH.  |
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 12, 2014 0:55:13 GMT
I'd also charge them storage fees. Let's say a minimum of $20 per month from the beginning
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Post by tarheelgurl on Dec 12, 2014 0:58:25 GMT
Don't give her that chair!!! She had her chance to get it back and said she didn't want it. She'll just have to get over it.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755 
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Post by azredhead on Dec 12, 2014 0:58:35 GMT
AHH the chair is beautiful. I totally get where your DH is but like others he doesn't let her get away with it anymore. It's also SIL as SIL takes care of MIL. They are one in the same, but my DH has learned they just beat him up mentally- he's much better and responding to them.I hope your DH stands his ground with the chair! Even if he has to STAND on the chair!
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 12, 2014 0:59:36 GMT
It was an awful olive green velvet that had rat pee on it from sitting in the attic of the garage for 20+ years.
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 12, 2014 1:06:59 GMT
I'm sorry. I understand what you are saying. MIL is the type who will just not talk to whom ever she is pissed at. She will go years not speaking to the one who "wronged" her. Years ago it was his younger sister. She was acting out as a teen and they stopped talking to her for years. Then it was his older brother, she wouldn't talk to him because they did not like his girlfriend. The only sibling (to DH) she has not stopped talking to for a period of time is the oldest daughter. She loves her and her family. DH and I have been on the naughty list for years now and between MIL and her three daughters, it's a huge gossip circle.
It amazes me how people find it acceptable to act this way and how others (like DH) tolerate it. I know it's family, but holy heck, enough is enough.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 12, 2014 1:31:13 GMT
Tell her she gets the chair in your will. She gave it to you, and now you can decide when to give it back.
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Post by Really Red on Dec 12, 2014 3:23:28 GMT
You and your DH are GREAT!!! Love that he turned out so great in SPITE of her (and maybe because of you  ) I'd do exactly what you are doing. I'd also be sure to figure out a way to tell the story to everyone with a bit of a sense of humor, making sure your MIL comes out on the bad end, with you guys sounding like sweet saints. |
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Post by katiekaty on Dec 12, 2014 4:17:23 GMT
Let's see, you "stored" the chair for 20 years for her plus full restoration, correct? 20 years times 12 months equals 240 months x $20 dollars/month storage fee equals $4800 plus the restoration cost of $600 equals $5400 plus assorted costs in gas and handling of transporting the chair to and from the restoration place, YEP, just round it up to an even $6000 and she have the dang chair back. If she doesn't pay ups, she can shut up!
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by gloryjoy on Dec 12, 2014 15:29:02 GMT
After reading the table thread, I had to go a look for this thread and read it.
I'm on the bench with everyone who said tell her she can have it back when she arranges and pays for shipping. Chances are she won't be bothered to do it.
My ex sister-in-law has a table that my Mom and Dad gave to brother and her when they were married. My mom would love to have it back but realizes that she gave it to them, and although my brother should have got it back when they split up, it's too late now.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Dec 12, 2014 15:46:34 GMT
Your DH really needs to find his spine and tell his mom that no that's not her chair anymore. Once they said they didn't want it and then you spent $600 to have it recovered it's now your chair. It's actually been his chair since he bought the house that it was in.
I hope that he's able to stand up for himself and for *you* and tell her no she's not getting it. Why is he putting his mom before you still? Giving it to her will be a huge mistake (IMHO).
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 12, 2014 15:48:15 GMT
You can look at this two ways: 1) she wins if you give her the chair, or 2) you win because you're the kind of person who deep down knows it's just a chair and you're above all that nonsense. This thread has been fun, and I know it's not popular, but I say take Road #2. You win! Being the better person ALWAYS wins. Kill her with kindness. Don't eat her poison. And all that other stuff. |
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Dec 12, 2014 16:00:39 GMT
You can look at this two ways: 1) she wins if you give her the chair, or 2) you win because you're the kind of person who deep down knows it's just a chair and you're above all that nonsense. This thread has been fun, and I know it's not popular, but I say take Road #2. You win! Being the better person ALWAYS wins. Kill her with kindness. Don't eat her poison. And all that other stuff. Why on earth should they buckle under and give in to this witch of a woman? How on earth would they be winning by being the better person. Being a better person doesn't mean giving mean people what they want, it means not treating the mean people the way they are treating you. I don't think a net loss to the OP and her husband because the husband's mother is a nasty piece of work means that they will win. If anything, it will show the mother in law that she can trample freely over the OP and her husband on everything. Thus, DON'T GIVE HER THE BLOODY CHAIR. It is yours fair and square. Giving it to her will not make things better, it will just show her that she always gets what she wants and her behaviour will not improve. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 12, 2014 16:07:57 GMT
"It's actually been his chair since he bought the house that it was in."
Legally, this is true... not that it would stop her and her emotional manipulating, from what it sounds like. I'm sorry your DH can't see how much this treatment by his mother is affecting both of you negatively. My BF's mom is like this as well, but he decided long ago that it wasn't worth her drama, so he hasn't seen or talked to her in almost 10 years. But, then again, we don't have kids, either. His attitude would probably be the same even if we did have, though-- she reaps what she sows, so to speak.
I wouldn't give her the chair, either... If your DH doesn't want to speak up about it, I'd just sort of ignore it.
eta: "DON'T GIVE HER THE BLOODY CHAIR. It is yours fair and square. Giving it to her will not make things better, it will just show her that she always gets what she wants and her behaviour will not improve."
^^^ this is VERY true!!! giving her the chair will not make things better.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 12, 2014 16:22:53 GMT
I'm sorry. I understand what you are saying. MIL is the type who will just not talk to whom ever she is pissed at. She will go years not speaking to the one who "wronged" her. Years ago it was his younger sister. She was acting out as a teen and they stopped talking to her for years. Then it was his older brother, she wouldn't talk to him because they did not like his girlfriend. The only sibling (to DH) she has not stopped talking to for a period of time is the oldest daughter. She loves her and her family. DH and I have been on the naughty list for years now and between MIL and her three daughters, it's a huge gossip circle. It amazes me how people find it acceptable to act this way and how others (like DH) tolerate it. I know it's family, but holy heck, enough is enough. And she'll continue to find it an acceptable way to treat people because people continue to tolerate it! Why would she behave any differently, she gets away with what she does. She's now decided after many years of not wanting it, that she wants your "new" chair, that you've spent plenty on to make nice. And your dh is handing it over. And she'll continue to behave badly because she can! I'm ever so grateful after posts like this that I was smart enough to cut ties with my MIL when she showed how she was going to treat me. |
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Dec 12, 2014 16:32:20 GMT
You DO realize that even if you give her the chair, it won't be the end of it, right? She will consistently come back on you about the chair and do everything in her power to belittle you and your family and flaunt the fact that you gave her back the chair.
I honestly WOULD.NOT.GIVE.HER.THE.CHAIR. All your dh is doing is enabling her extremely rude behavior by giving it back. She throws a temper tantrum and everyone runs to make her happy.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 12, 2014 18:27:12 GMT
Let's be honest here - whether you give the chair back or not is going to have minimal impact on this woman's future behavior. A nutter is a nutter is a nutter. Many of us have difficult or even toxic family members. I am so very grateful, that neither my husband or I have parents who are toxic. But we both have other close family members who are extremely difficult. At the end of the day, you need to determine what YOU'RE comfortable with - you're not going to change the other person. We're both very careful to let the other person deal with their family. When you're dealing with a difficult family member, it's a blessing to know that your spouse will back you up and not escalate the drama. All the talk of storage fees and what not is silly IMO. If this chair is really important to the OP, she should discuss it with her husband and they should decide to just say no. If the OP's attachment isn't so great than send it back to the nutter and go do some redecorating. I personally wouldn't have any problem sending off the chair - I don't see it as "rewarding" the MIL's behavior, but rather helping my husband deal with his crazy ass mother. Now if it was truly something that directly negatively impacted me in an important way, I know that my husband has my back, and would have zero issue standing up to his family. But when I can, I try and make things easier for him, because I sure as hell appreciate it when he does the same for me.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Dec 12, 2014 18:37:06 GMT
...I got home last night and DH was measuring the chair and I asked what he was doing. He said MIL texted him and asked him to send the measurements of The Chair. I went off. Seriously the lady never contacts him. She has been in town since early November and we have seen her twice, once for a bday party and once on Thanksgiving and the only thing she has spoken to him about is this stupid chair, other than that, not a peep... Any peas in NC?  What great timing! Since it appears he has made the decision to give the reupholstered heirloom chair to his mother, take these measurements & shop for a beautiful replacement chair that fits the style/color scheme of your room. Be certain to keep the receipt, so your in-laws can reimburse you for the replacement (in addition to the cost to reupholster the original chair). Also, in what part of NC do they live? I'm neither familiar nor interested in antiques, but stopped by a quaint antique store with a friend recently. I recall seeing at least four vintage olive velvet upholstered occasional chairs that appear similar to the style/color as yours. Your husband's parents could likely buy one locally for less than the cost to ship your chair across the country! IMHO this is added incentive NOT to give her the chair! Unfortunately, I think she's put your husband in a no-win situation: If he doesn't give her the chair, he's the bad son who wronged his mother. If he allows her to pay for the chair, he's the bad son who made his mother pay to get her own chair back. If he outright gives her the chair, he's the bad son who stole her chair, hid it from her all these years, & had the nerve to claim it as his own. |
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Post by underwatermama on Dec 12, 2014 19:09:53 GMT
Your chair is very nice. If your dh does insist on giving it back, at the very least I'd be spitting on it a time or two before it goes out the door.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Dec 12, 2014 19:35:16 GMT
What a pretty chair. It's a shame you are giving it back to such a beyotch. It's an even bigger shame that you that there will be a huge grape juice or wine stain on it when you give it up. Huge.
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:41:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 19:50:35 GMT
The awful thing about it is that I don't think this is about your DH's tolerating her or seeing that she's wrong - he's probably giving in thinking it will restore peace and/or she will treat him better if he does it. It's likely subconscious, but with parents like he has, the kids end up trying to placate them or almost earn their love by giving them whatever they want in the moment. My parents are the same way, and I did the same things for many years thinking one day I'd be out of the doghouse. No dice. I feel for you guys, that chair is kind of awesome. And it sucks that your MIL treats your husband and you so poorly. She's probably bitching this moment about how mean you guys are what with your chair hogging, etc.  |
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Post by Rachel on Dec 12, 2014 19:52:04 GMT
Remember the story about an exh who demanded the curtain rods from his house so the wife gave them to him? Before she did she stuffed the rod with shrimp or something. The exh moved into a new house with new wife and couldn't figure out why it had a horrible smell. So they moved out and bought another house and took the curtain rods with them. They never could find the source of the stink and the exwife smiled and went on happily through life. That chair needs some extra something in its stuffing right before it leaves your house That said I'm all for keeping it as well...without the extra stuffing that is. |
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MDscrapaholic
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Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Dec 12, 2014 20:14:56 GMT
Can you just tell your husband that you love the chair now and do not want to part with it? That is would make YOU so sad to see it go? Maybe he will think about YOU for a second and want to do something for YOU for a change and decide NOT to part with it.
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Post by PEArfect on Dec 12, 2014 20:20:05 GMT
They only want it because it looks beautiful now. I would want reimbursed, or I would be breaking it down to the bare frame again. I wouldn't be surprised if one of his siblings is making a fuss about the chair and his parents are going to give it to them. I know relatives like that. Break it down to the frame! Let them spend the money to make it beautiful again. Sounds spiteful I know, but enough is enough. It's not like you took the chair from them. I just don't understand how parents can treat their children so differently, but I've seen it in my extended family.
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:41:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 20:59:13 GMT
I wouldn't give them the chair, you've been storing it for 20 years. But, if you do decide to offer it to them, I'll bet the $600 price tag changes their mind!
Ann
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Deleted
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Nov 22, 2024 14:41:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 22:34:13 GMT
Before you even put that chair on any delivery truck I need you to do something. Turn the chair upside down and see if there are any types of plaques, stamps, brands, etc. with a manufacturer name. You have a danish lounge chair on your hands, one that is in divine condition. I have a sneaky suspicion it is an antique and worth a helluva lot more than $600. Let me/us know the brand name and I can do some research with my contacts.
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Post by peanuttle on Dec 12, 2014 22:52:27 GMT
Before you even put that chair on any delivery truck I need you to do something. Turn the chair upside down and see if there are any types of plaques, stamps, brands, etc. with a manufacturer name. You have a danish lounge chair on your hands, one that is in divine condition. I have a sneaky suspicion it is an antique and worth a helluva lot more than $600. Let me/us know the brand name and I can do some research with my contacts. I will check when I get home. |
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 12, 2014 22:56:09 GMT
This thread has been fun, and I know it's not popular, but I say take Road #2. You win! Being the better person ALWAYS wins. Kill her with kindness. Don't eat her poison. And all that other stuff. Why on earth should they buckle under and give in to this witch of a woman? How on earth would they be winning by being the better person. Being a better person doesn't mean giving mean people what they want, it means not treating the mean people the way they are treating you. I don't think a net loss to the OP and her husband because the husband's mother is a nasty piece of work means that they will win. If anything, it will show the mother in law that she can trample freely over the OP and her husband on everything. Thus, DON'T GIVE HER THE BLOODY CHAIR. It is yours fair and square. Giving it to her will not make things better, it will just show her that she always gets what she wants and her behaviour will not improve. I actually agree with most of what you said. At this point, I don't think she's going to change her behavior regardless. I also wouldn't be giving her the chair. The situation just wouldn't have gotten this far. At the visit when she said she wanted the chair, I would have said then and there that the chair had been in the house for 20 years and she had twice told us that she did not want it so it had been reupholstered to match other pieces and would be staying in our living room. And I wouldn't care how mad or passive aggressive she chose to be afterward. My comment about being the better person related to the fun we were having in suggesting passive-aggressive ways to return the chair (since the husband had already decided to do so) - taking off the new fabric, charging storage fees for 20 years, spilling something on it, dragging out the situation by agreeing to return the chair and just never doing so, etc. While those are fun to think about doing, and I completely understand (and join in) dreaming about stuff like that in situations like this, I'm guessing not many of us would actually ever do any of those things. All that really does is play in the mud with the pig - or however that expression goes. I would just be straightforward and explain why it wasn't being returned. Or I'd be having that conversation with my husband. I don't do doormat. But I also don't do passive-aggressive. |
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Dec 12, 2014 23:10:49 GMT
Ohhhhh... okay. I get it now J u l e e. Thanks for the explanation. I agree but sometimes, especially when dealing with a monster like this, passive aggressive is rather satisfying. Or that could just be my evil streak coming out. |
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 12, 2014 23:29:14 GMT
Ohhhhh... okay. I get it now J u l e e. Thanks for the explanation. I agree but sometimes, especially when dealing with a monster like this, passive aggressive is rather satisfying. Oh, absolutely.  I just always manage to feel like a smaller person afterward. And I hate that for me more than I enjoy sticking it to someone else. |
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I just always manage to feel like a smaller person afterward. And I hate that for me more than I enjoy sticking it to someone else.