Chair situation- Update in OP

??Update??

Made me think of SuffyAnn and the ties.

Honestly, I would tell him that I would handle it.  It doesn't have to be a huge fight - at least not on your end.  Just a, "We've decided that we are keeping the chair.  We asked you if you wanted it and you said no so we put a lot of money into it to make it our own and we've grown attached to it."  Followed by a lot of deep, centring breaths and, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

  I'm pretty sure there's a way to approach this without threatening divorce...which would be very much the same type of behavior his mother is exhibiting.

I must have missed the original post from cycworker That's just utterly ridiculous.  There's no way in hell I would give my husband an ultimatum of divorce over a CHAIR because I recovered it to fit the rest of my decor.  Like I said many, many pages ago - if it's at all possible, I let my husband deal with the crazy in his family and do not take it personally.  I expect him to do the same.  Every antic from a crazy family member is not a hill to die on.  There are a few material possessions that are sentimental and meaningful enough that you would have to pry them out of my cold dead hands - I did not get the sense from the OP that the chair fit in that category.  This began as a chair that was sentimental to her husband - let him decide if he still wants it after all the drama.  


I think one of the strengths in our marriage, is that we both try 99% of the time to make life easier for the other - and when it's important, and one of us makes it clear that it's a BFD - we both know that it must really be a big deal.  

This post finally prompted me to sign up here as an official refugee.

Carrie, I feel your pain because I have walked in your shoes with crazy family...with the same kind of manipulative behavior that no matter what you do you cannot win, no matter what you do you cannot make the manipulator happy. Your MIL holds your DH as an emotional hostage and it works for her because he continues to give in. My purpose in replying to you is not to tell you this because you already know it. My purpose is to tell you how we have been successfully dealing with our own situation with a family member who behaves the same way.

We call them on their behavior and we call them on it every single time they attempt to manipulate us. It has taken a couple of years but we rarely experience the behavior while others in the family are still targets. We define the behavior as we see it, we do it calmly and firmly and don't allow interruptions because a manipulator will always try to redirect. I shared your story with my DH and we came up with what our response would be if we were in your shoes. In your situation, your DH would need to be the one to say it.

Mom, help me understand what you are asking for. Are we talking about the chair that you abandoned in the attic when I purchased the house 20 years ago? This is the chair that was covered in rat pee, that you said you didn't want when I asked? The same chair that you didn't want when we sold the house and asked you again? Are we talking about the chair that Carrie and I paid considerable money to have refinished because it had sentimental value to me? Is this the same chair that we coordinated our living room around? So, Mom, this is what I understand...you didn't want the rundown, beat-up chair but now that it's refurbished and has a place in our home you want to take it from us.

We would very slightly pause between each question, hoping for some kind of acknowledgement but, if she tried to interject more than a simple "yes" or a nod, we would calmly say, "Hold on, Mom, I'm not through yet." You and your husband still have to decide what to do with the chair but you will have acknowledged to her that you recognize the way she controls all of you. Good luck.

What's there to fight about? Is she actually going to come over and TAKE the chair? She hasn't yet. I bet you that she won't. She probably likes what you did to the chair and now wants it. I would've give into her antics. 

When my parents decided to rent out their house and move to another province, they said everything was up for grabs in the house. I didn't really want anything. However my Mom wanted a few of her Mother's things to go to each of our homes (there's 3 of us girls). That way when they move back to our province, she can take those things back. My older sister and younger sister had a few things they were going to keep for her. No one had asked about the knick knack stand. It's this big 5 shelf thing, nice wood work. I loved looking at all the Knick Knacks my grandma used to put on there. I said we could use it for now and take the end tables. My older sister comes sweeping into my parents home the one day when we were there. She just started taking every horse picture. I had e-mailed both asking what they wanted to keep for themselves, what they wanted to store and barely heard from her. So she fills this truck up her friend brought with stuff. I asked if she wanted the frog statue out front. It's a heavy sucker and there were only 4 of it's kind made. It gets repainted every few years. I said we'd take it since we were going to have a truck but she wanted it. Okay. She couldn't take it then though. Want anything else? Nope. So I took a bin of small things to store for my parents, the end tables and the Knick Knack stand.

I find out months later that she never took the frog! An Aunt of mine did. She has it in a nice garden of hers. When I visited her she asked why none of us wanted it since my Mom is so attached to it. Sigh. Also there was a bull fighter with a bull painting that my Mom made decades ago. My sister was suppose to take that. She didn't. It got donated! Then big sister comes to my house and sees the Knick Knack stand. Fire in her eyes. I wanted that! I just looked at her like she was nuts. I said she didn't take it and it goes back to Mom when they move back. If she had the right vehicle, I think she would've hauled that sucker out of my house. Well, if she could get past me.

Family can be weird.

Please don't put your husband in position to chose. Poor guy's been manipulated by the beast his whole life. He needs you shoring him up, not battling him now. However, I understand how angry it can make you- read on!!!! Throw her $100 or $600 and keep the chair! But do not give it to her, or SIL

Why do I add this now after a week of reading?-
My manipulative MIL is long gone, so maybe my perspective is skewed. I don't regret my opinions about her, but I do regret the times my husband felt he was forced to chose. I wasn't playing that game, I'm from the land of compromise. But She who won't be named had to know she still had her hooks into him, so much so he hid decsions from me. Not many, not major, but it was deceitful and obviously because I would disagree. They weren't marriage-ending material but they hurt.

And still I regret he had to go to those lengths to please the beast, and then catch hell from me. He's a strong guy, but a wicked mother can lay a grown man to the ground if they've got the skills. There's no one else on earth that can compromise my DH, but she could do it with one whine. She's had a lifetime to work on your DH, pay her off. Maybe she'll buy the WS chair and brag on it.

manomo, Thank you for a great way of looking at it and saying it. 

So... while at Home Goods I saw a chair exactly like the one in the picture. I'm guessing SIL and MIL went on a shopping trip. Get thee to a Home Goods and take a picture asking if they'd like you to hold it for them.

I don't think there could be any way for me to sit in the same room as that woman for Christmas, and frankly, OP keeps saying her husband is a great guy, but he's a great guy to who? He certainly doesn't seem to give a crap about how his wife feels about something that BELONGS to her.

I realize that as wives we have to be careful not to disturb the delicate balance that is making our husbands choose between us or their mothers, and most of the time I am firmly in the camp of keeping the peace. But this situation would have my blood pressure through the roof, and I think it's one of those times where the husband does just have to choose between his wife and his mother.. and we all know who is the right choice in this situation.