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Post by busy on May 12, 2023 23:43:13 GMT
I have been in Santa Fe all week for work. Yesterday was my 50th birthday, Sunday is obviously Mother’s Day.
My flight home got delayed and now I am going to miss my connection, which means I’m stuck staying in Seattle overnight and flying to Portland in the morning. I’ll now be getting home at about 11 AM tomorrow instead of midnight tonight. My son has planned a birthday/Mother’s Day adventure for us tomorrow (DH is out of town for work, will get home after midnight Sunday), so that’s going to take up most of the day.
Without consulting me, my brother and my mom planned a Mother’s Day lunch on Sunday. I was told - not asked - to be there at 10:30 AM, which means DS and I need to leave by 8 AM. We will get home about 5-6 PM.
I need to be at the airport by 4:30 AM on Monday for a flight. I need to do laundry and repack at some point before then.
I am really feeling like opting out of Sunday. I don’t really appreciate being ordered to be there when my schedule is insane right now. I didn’t firmly commit - said it would probably work. Now that I’m losing half a day, I just want to say no. My mom will be pissed.
This is a light PVM. We could easily go up for a weekend day next weekend, when everything isn’t bonkers for me. I think I deserve a day to relax. As it stands, Sunday will be unpleasant for me and I don’t think that’s very fair. I’m a mother too.
What would you do?
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,920 
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Post by pilcas on May 12, 2023 23:48:05 GMT
Would not go. They didn’t consult you so they were not aware, by choice, of your plans/obligations. Let everyone be pissed and any comments can be met by, if you had asked me before hand I would have told you it would not work for me this year.
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Post by leannec on May 12, 2023 23:49:09 GMT
I wouldn't go ... I'm protective of my down time and I don't like being told what to do ... go next weekend.  |
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Post by lucyg on May 12, 2023 23:52:21 GMT
I’d skip it. But then I don’t care about Mother’s Day, my mother doesn’t care about Mother’s Day, and I don’t much care who I piss off in my family. They’ll get over it.  You should do what you gotta do. And that sounds like skipping it. |
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Post by Lurkingpea on May 12, 2023 23:54:58 GMT
Your mother is 2.5 hours away? I would say no. You can celebrate your mother next week. You are validated.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 12, 2023 23:59:25 GMT
Ugh - I'd probably suck it up and go, to be completely honest.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 13, 2023 0:00:50 GMT
I wouldn't go.
I would say "I already have plans for Sunday, so I won't be able to attend. I am free the following weekend, if you want to get together. Enjoy your weekend!".
Happy Birthday!
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Post by epeanymous on May 13, 2023 0:13:20 GMT
That is too much in too short a time, if you go you will resent it and who wants someone at an event who is overscheduled and done?
I wouldn't go either.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 13, 2023 0:17:58 GMT
I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together.
There isn’t a right or wrong answer and I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not really one to say that a holiday has to be celebrated on that day. But I’m also not one to live with regrets.
It sort of sounds like you don’t have the best relationship with your mom. If that’s the case, I’d probably choose my child. I’m doing that now—I’m meant to be car shopping (which truly needs to be done and i said i would do tonight.) Instead, I’m spending the night with DS because he’s busy on Sunday.
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Post by busy on May 13, 2023 0:22:04 GMT
I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together. There isn’t a right or wrong answer and I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not really one to say that a holiday has to be celebrated on that day. But I’m also not one to live with regrets. It sort of sounds like you don’t have the best relationship with your mom. If that’s the case, I’d probably choose my child. I’m doing that now—I’m meant to be car shopping (which truly needs to be done and i said i would do tonight.) Instead, I’m spending the night with DS because he’s busy on Sunday. You are correct, we do not have a great relationship. And she knew about both of my trips, and still planned this and told me to be there, because it’s what SHE wants. I’d prefer to spend the day with DS, with whom I do have a great relationship, since I’m traveling a lot and not getting as much time with him day to day. |
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Post by ~summer~ on May 13, 2023 0:27:29 GMT
The absolute deal breaker would be the 4:30am morning, and having to do laundry.
No I would not go.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,398
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Post by RosieKat on May 13, 2023 0:28:58 GMT
I would go because I'm a weenie like that. But I would tell someone else not to go.  |
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Post by ntsf on May 13, 2023 1:00:05 GMT
no. flying and stuff is too stressful and you deserve a down day
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Post by littlemama on May 13, 2023 1:01:36 GMT
If your presence was that important to them, they would have consulted with you in advance.
No, I would not go. We dont make a big thing of Mother's Day anyway
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on May 13, 2023 1:07:02 GMT
No, I wouldn’t go. Even without the delayed flight it seems like too much.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 13, 2023 1:07:26 GMT
No, I would not go!
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 13, 2023 1:10:23 GMT
Basket1lady said: I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together. Now I'm just going completely out of character here because I had a bitch of a day and mother's day is coming and well, my child isn't here. But this is the most manipulative thing I have ever in my life heard. And anybody who thinks this way is completely out of line. We never know when we are going to lose someone. The kinds of questions you ask yourself when you're grieving if you handled everything right with them, if you had as many good times as you could, if there was anything more you could have done...you question yourself inside and out. And to have anyone say this to someone is so far out of line I can't even stand it. The idea that anyone around me would even think such a thing about my pre-death behavior towards someone takes my fucking breath right away. busy you said next weekend would be better. Grown ups understand this. Commit to it and take care of yourself and your son. Now apparently I need to go to bed because I was already over the edge today and this kicked me at the bottom of the fucking cliff.
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Post by busy on May 13, 2023 1:13:10 GMT
Basket1lady said: I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together. Now I'm just going completely out of character here because I had a bitch of a day and mother's day is coming and well, my child isn't here. But this is the most manipulative thing I have ever in my life heard. And anybody who thinks this way is completely out of line. We never know when we are going to lose someone. The kinds of questions you ask yourself when you're grieving if you handled everything right with them, if you had as many good times as you could, if there was anything more you could have done...you question yourself inside and out. And to have anyone say this to someone is so far out of line I can't even stand it. The idea that anyone around me would even think such a thing about my pre-death behavior towards someone takes my fucking breath right away. busy you said next weekend would be better. Grown ups understand this. Commit to it and take care of yourself and your son. Now apparently I need to go to bed because I was already over the edge today and this kicked me at the bottom of the fucking cliff. ❤️❤️❤️ thinking of you |
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Post by padresfan619 on May 13, 2023 1:25:47 GMT
I would go. I’d probably whine and moan on the drive there but I’d make the effort. I’m hosting my family for dinner on Sunday so my mom can have a nice Mother’s Day and missed out on a really fun Mother’s Day event at my local gym to prepare. I am definitely pouting about it as I see everyone posting stories and fun pictures but I know my mom won’t get as much recognition for all she does if I leave it to my dad.
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Post by getting started on May 13, 2023 1:27:04 GMT
First off, I would not go. How to message that? The honest but hard way is to tell them the truth about the flight delay, your son, the timing, the laundry and repacking. But really in my difficult relationship with my mom I would give myself a pass and tell them that my flight got delayed (true) and I won't be able to make it (which for your peace of mind is true). End of story. No details about which flight, what time etc. If you feel up to it, you could offer to see them another specific time. If you don't feel up to it you can offer to see them another time with no specific time named.
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Post by Merge on May 13, 2023 1:41:53 GMT
Don’t go. And happy birthday!
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 5:17:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2023 1:57:32 GMT
The absolute deal breaker would be the 4:30am morning, and having to do laundry. No I would not go.  I'd be peeved that they planned something without considering my input for basically the full day, so I wouldn't feel any guilt about not going. Plan your own get-together when you can, and if you felt like you need a "reason" why, blame it on the incoming flight delay that shortened your availability over the weekend. |
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Post by don on May 13, 2023 2:08:46 GMT
You aren't "stuck" in Seattle, you are Blessed to be in Seattle; but you'll go because you are a woman with all the heart and soul and perceived duty and responsibility.  |
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Post by dewryce on May 13, 2023 2:11:32 GMT
If it was that important for you to be there they would have consulted you about your availability, or if they respected and were considerate of your time. Nope, wouldn’t go, and would feel zero guilt.
Happy Birthday!
I understand wanting to celebrate mothers, I just don’t understand why it is less meaningful if it’s on a different day.
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Post by 950nancy on May 13, 2023 2:23:07 GMT
Oh, heck no. Your flight got delayed. Change of plans.
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Post by tampascrapper on May 13, 2023 4:45:58 GMT
I would not go. If they wanted to do something together, they would’ve/should’ve planned better.
Plus, you already have plans with your son.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 13, 2023 5:10:20 GMT
Basket1lady said: I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together. Now I'm just going completely out of character here because I had a bitch of a day and mother's day is coming and well, my child isn't here. But this is the most manipulative thing I have ever in my life heard. And anybody who thinks this way is completely out of line. We never know when we are going to lose someone. The kinds of questions you ask yourself when you're grieving if you handled everything right with them, if you had as many good times as you could, if there was anything more you could have done...you question yourself inside and out. And to have anyone say this to someone is so far out of line I can't even stand it. The idea that anyone around me would even think such a thing about my pre-death behavior towards someone takes my fucking breath right away. busy you said next weekend would be better. Grown ups understand this. Commit to it and take care of yourself and your son. Now apparently I need to go to bed because I was already over the edge today and this kicked me at the bottom of the fucking cliff. I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. I truly didn't mean it that others would judge you for it. That's between you and your precious daughter and all the other days that you had together mean so much more than one single day that capitalism has conflagrated into this big event. A stranger on the internet doesn't factor into any "judgement" at all. I don't think that MD needs to be celebrated on that specific Sunday in May. I tried to express that in my post, but evidently failed miserably. I'm sorry that I made you feel judged and devalued. I said it because of my own life experience. I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly 33 years ago, almost to the day. I didn't spend that last Mother's Day with her. It was a choice that we made together and she spent it with her own mother, so I really can't begrudge her that decision. I was an hour away at college and she would have needed to drive to me as I didn't have a car. Instead she chose her mother, knowing that her mom was aging and she hadn't seen her in a while. My college graduation was in another week, so it's not like it would have been weeks or months until we saw each other again. I've not celebrated a Mother's Day or a Father's Day, birthdays, Thanksgivings, or many other milestones with my parents or DH's parents in 33 years. We moved away from my home state in 1990 and only moved back here last fall. Obviously I made that decision over and over not to be here for celebrations. I'm not saying that you SHOULD be there on that specific day. Just that it could be a choice that you are making. And of course, even if we lived next door to each other for all those years, there are things that come up that make it difficult to be together on that specific day. I wish you only peace. |
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Post by silverlining on May 13, 2023 5:25:44 GMT
I wouldn't go. I had a mother who knew that what mattered was the time we spent together not a day on the calendar. A Mother's Day celebration a week late...great! Let's extend the celebrations as long as possible. I would just tell her the flight was delayed, it won't work out, and you would prefer to have a relaxing time together the following weekend.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 13, 2023 10:05:27 GMT
Basket1lady said: I guess I’d ask myself if I would regret not spending the day with my mom if it was the last Mother’s Day we had together. Now I'm just going completely out of character here because I had a bitch of a day and mother's day is coming and well, my child isn't here. But this is the most manipulative thing I have ever in my life heard. And anybody who thinks this way is completely out of line. We never know when we are going to lose someone. The kinds of questions you ask yourself when you're grieving if you handled everything right with them, if you had as many good times as you could, if there was anything more you could have done...you question yourself inside and out. And to have anyone say this to someone is so far out of line I can't even stand it. The idea that anyone around me would even think such a thing about my pre-death behavior towards someone takes my fucking breath right away. busy you said next weekend would be better. Grown ups understand this. Commit to it and take care of yourself and your son. Now apparently I need to go to bed because I was already over the edge today and this kicked me at the bottom of the fucking cliff. I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. I truly didn't mean it that others would judge you for it. That's between you and your precious daughter and all the other days that you had together mean so much more than one single day that capitalism has conflagrated into this big event. A stranger on the internet doesn't factor into any "judgement" at all. I don't think that MD needs to be celebrated on that specific Sunday in May. I tried to express that in my post, but evidently failed miserably. I'm sorry that I made you feel judged and devalued. I said it because of my own life experience. I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly 33 years ago, almost to the day. I didn't spend that last Mother's Day with her. It was a choice that we made together and she spent it with her own mother, so I really can't begrudge her that decision. I was an hour away at college and she would have needed to drive to me as I didn't have a car. Instead she chose her mother, knowing that her mom was aging and she hadn't seen her in a while. My college graduation was in another week, so it's not like it would have been weeks or months until we saw each other again. I've not celebrated a Mother's Day or a Father's Day, birthdays, Thanksgivings, or many other milestones with my parents or DH's parents in 33 years. We moved away from my home state in 1990 and only moved back here last fall. Obviously I made that decision over and over not to be here for celebrations. I'm not saying that you SHOULD be there on that specific day. Just that it could be a choice that you are making. And of course, even if we lived next door to each other for all those years, there are things that come up that make it difficult to be together on that specific day. I wish you only peace. Thank you for explaining and I'm sorry I was harsh. I see now your comment comes from that same place mine did. Did I do enough, did I spend enough time, did I make enough memories. It's hard. It's hard to lose someone. I'm sorry it worked out that way for you. ❤️ |
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Post by gar on May 13, 2023 10:13:07 GMT
You are correct, we do not have a great relationship. And she knew about both of my trips, and still planned this and told me to be there, because it’s what SHE wants. I’d prefer to spend the day with DS, with whom I do have a great relationship, since I’m traveling a lot and not getting as much time with him day to day. Based on your later comments, no, I wouldn't go. |
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