WWYD situation with cousin

PS I hope your daughter is doing well. It’s a tough time when we have to let them leave the nest.

OP, I completely understand why you are hurt and upset with your cousin. It is hard to deal with people we love who are not supportive at times we think they would be.

I love what peaname said.

I've written here before about going through a divorce. I have been so hurt and confused by people in my life who can't even be bothered to ask how I am doing. These are people who I have been close with in the past. Ironically enough, one is my cousin. She went through a nasty divorce a few years ago, and I spent so much time with her, listening to her vents, etc. Long before the divorce, during it and afterward. The last time she asked me how I am doing was November. I've talked to her since then, yet she never asks. An aunt I have been close to? Same thing--I have talked and texted with her about various things, but the last time she asked how I am doing was last May. I have other friends who again, have just not been there for me much if at all. And it does hurt. And the thing is, it's not like it's because they love my stbx and feel as if they have to take sides because not one of these people can stand him.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about ME. I told you that to say that I have been trying to look at things just as peaname said. Instead of dwelling on those who are not there for me in the way I need people to be, I am forcing myself to focus on the ones who are. I'm trying not to let my expectations of what I think people should be doing ruin relationships that are otherwise good and important to me. I've had to ask myself, when the divorce is finally over, do I still want this person to be in my life. If the answer is yes, I am trying to cut them some slack and tell myself there must be a reason why they are being the way they are. Now if it's a relationship I was unsure of anyway, then yeah, I'm okay with just distancing myself from them and letting it go.

I'm so sorry that someone important to you is letting you down. It's hard to wrap the brain around, but again, lean on those who ARE there for you. That change of attitude can make all the difference.

Also, I remember how I felt when my sons joined the Navy. One was barely 18, and wow, it was hard, and I would never have expected that. They both left within 2 weeks of each other, so it was a double whammy. Hang in there, and look forward to boot camp graduation. That was seriously the most emotional, beautiful experience, and I spent a lot of time in tears (happy ones) that day. Your heart will swell with so much pride, and you will be amazed at the transformation your daughter will have gone through. I still tear up thinking about those two days, and it was 10 years ago. LOL

I have a cousin I love dearly and would be very hurt if she was not supportive of me when I needed her. I think you should get together with your cousin and tell her how you feel. Tell her you are not mad at her, you are overwhelmed with your emotions about your daughter being away and would really appreciate her sharing that with you. She can't change if you don't tell her how you are feeling. Just because she is flakey and all about herself doesn't mean she cannot be there for you if you let her know what you need from her.
It is hard, my son left for Basic Training across the country when he was 19 years old and I worried about him and missed him. He was so far away, I kept thinking he could get hurt and I wouldn't be there for him. It was the best thing for him, he grew and loves his career in the military. It will not always be this hard for you, it has only been a few months.
Sending you lots of hugs.

((((Hugs. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with your daughter leaving and I hope the training is going well for her.




I agree with that. It IS different to sending a child away to college (I've had one who went away to college and one who enlisted in the Navy) in large part due to the limited communication. But even with the military training, different parents handle it in different ways and tbh, while I would probably write a letter (and have) to a relative who enlisted if their parent gave me their address, unless the parent expressed that they were struggling, it wouldn't occur to me to reach out and check on how they were coping.

Your cousin is a self-absorbed ass, perhaps? She has either always been this way, or she does not approve of what your daughter is doing. Most people, I hope, would put their personal feelings aside and offer support. Not her. And if she is close to you, how can she not notice that you are struggling?

I wouldn’t waste my time trying to talk to her, personally. You can’t guilt someone into empathy. But I’ll validate you. You are understandably proud of your daughter. And your cousin is an ass. ☺️

What makes you think her cousin doesn't approve approve. That is a lot to read into the op's statement.
I agree her cousin should probably see that she is struggling. I also think finding days hard to get through because your child is in boot camp maybe a little extreme to most people.

Yeah that.

I agree with this.
For me personally, the level of support that you are expecting, wouldn't even occur to me. If our paths crossed.... I may ask "how is your daughter doing?", but that it's. If our paths didn't cross, I wouldn't have inquired at all.

Your current highly sensitive feelings and emotions, and the depths of what *you* are currently feeling and experiencing are yours. 
While it is a traumatic experience for you, when others have experienced the same kind of situation.....it didn't affect them at all.

Most people have a surrounding village, and members of ones village are going to react differently to everything. There is no right or wrong, in regards to another's level of support (or lack thereof).
Everyone's personality, psyche, reaction, currency, love language, perception, etc.... of everything and anything......is different. Just because someone didn't react or support you in the way that *you* think they should, that shouldn't be held against them.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish you peace and strength.

I understand that you need support right now. But as others have said, this isn't going to be something everyone will see as an event needing support. Many of us have sent our 18-year-olds off to distant colleges. Yes, its different from the military, but its not different in terms of the time we go without being able to see them.

This is a hard time for you. Look for the people who are there to comfort you and realize that not everyone is going to understand your emotions.

Your cousin clearly has never shown much empathy. I don't think this is something you call her out on. Just step away. Don't rely on her for support. Rely on her for fun or whatever else she has brought to your friendship.

I hope your daughter has great success and that you find peace in her being away from you. It's such an exciting time in her life.

I know what you are feeling. My grandson just finished Marine boot camp a few weeks ago. That was all that was on mind while he was gone. A lot of people didn’t understand my feelings at all. We have a small family, we made sure we flooded him with mail. He is not going in contact with his mother, so I tried to be the mom figure for him. He is 23, which made it a little easier for him than only being 18.

I hope your daughter is doing well. It is rugged, but not nearly as rough as I imagined. If you can go to Family Day and graduation it will fill your heart with joy.
As for your cousin, just blow her off, you have more important to think about right now. Some people can’t stand it when the spotlight isn’t on them.

I’m so sorry that you are hurting. It can be a big adjustment when our kids leave home. Even when my first left, it was just so much quieter. It’s all still very new for you and it will get better. One of the best aspects of parenting is seeing your grown children becoming productive members of society. They come home for a break and you get to spoil them. And when you send them back, peace will reign over the house again and you realize that the calm is not so bad after all!

I think that we get different things from different people. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that your cousin needs to be cut off from your life. It just means that she’s not going to meet that need for you. She may be selfish, she may be avoiding the topic, she may be clueless. That doesn’t mean that your relationship has been a lie. Just that she’s not going to meet this need.

She’s noticed that you are angry with her. Talk to her and explain how you feel—that you need support now and are spending time with those who are giving it to you. Maybe plan a girls night and reconnect with what feeds your relationship with her.

I am 1000% behind this. 15 years ago DS moved across the country to college, and then directly to his city of choice (on the opposite coast) upon graduation. While it is different than boot camp, we now get to watch them soar. That's what we worked for for 18 years. Right?!? It would never occur to me (unless we were very close) to constantly check in with someone who's kid has flown the nest. It's a natural part of life.

All that said, I am so sorry that you are struggling OP. HUGS.

i learned this going thru my divorce as well. some that were close and saw/asked what i needed and stepped up. others went along their way with a "sorry to hear" and one of my best friends told me i was wrong for feeling the way i did, would only support me in my divorce if i demanded full custody, etc (and we are no longer friends).

i would say to your other daughter, if your cousin comes at her again about "your mom is mad at me", to suggest "i am not sure you are reading the situation well, if you care about your relationship with my mom, maybe you should reach out to her directly".

while other peas be making perhaps valid points about how much support you should expect during this particular situation, i just gravitate to those in my life that understand how i am feeling. and i don't share much with those i find dismissive or lacking empathy on a situation that i need support with.

good luck over next bit - i have no experience but would hope it gets easier with time.

I don't think I'm just an ass but I would also be someone not meeting your current needs. I struggled a lot when my youngest moved out and moved far away but my needs were the opposite. I was fine to tall about him and happy to answer questions but it made me emotional and that meant a shift in the energy when the conversation turned to him.
I didn't want it to always be about me so I didn't often bring it up on situations that werent all about us and there is a pretty absolute chance I wouldn't bring anyone else's child up in a similar situation.

When something is happening where the situation is brought up on every single conversation people I hear people say it's a relief to talk about something else so I'm usually that person- I'm awkward and most likely won't say the right thing so I'll be the cousin that talks about anything else to give you a break and will be genuinely confused when you're mad at me for guessing at your needs and then not understanding then enough to fill them for you.

If I'm supposed to do or say something "right" I'm going to need a checklist and I'm grateful when people tell me what their expectations are, it's so much easier than emotional guessing games and I'm much less likely to let people down.