peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on May 20, 2023 19:37:00 GMT
You spend over eighteen years being a mother, your relationship with your child is extremely important and when they join the military you can’t communicate in the same way you might if they went away to college. It’s devastating! My friend has twins graduating from high school soon and I plan to get together with her next fall because I know how hard it is.
For those saying it’s no big deal good for you but I don’t think that’s typical.
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Post by mom on May 20, 2023 21:48:11 GMT
I am a military mom + I have also sent a son away to college. The experiences & emotions are not the same, so I get the hurt you are feeling. It is hard not having regular communication with them, or being able to find out how their day was. People take for granted being able to call their kid up anytime they want and talk. Even though my son is not in boot camp, he is deployed right now and I haven't talked with him about a month. It sucks but I know he will be home in time for July 4th. So I am counting the days.
That said........I really think you need to think about a couple of things.
1. YOUR world has changed significantly. But you cousins hasnt. So she not might be able to recognize what support you need, especially if she has not experienced sending a child off to the military.
2. No one friend can be everything to you. So maybe just accept that your cousin isn't the friend that you depend on for support in this area? Go have a good time with her, but maybe not depend on her for support. I do think she was trying ot be supportive when she asked if your daughter had what it takes --- everyone knows the military is hard work and the mental/physical strength needed is not something that everyone can do. If you got upset with her over that, she might. be hesitant to bring it up with you again.
3. Have you found your daughter basic training FB group and met other military moms who are going through what you are? If you haven't, look them up on FB. We can help you find them if you need some help. I really think you need to reach out and get to know others who are walking your same path. They will know all the things you are experiencing, the timelines, the lack of communication. Truly, your daughters FB group will be a god send if you get involved with them.
4. Not to be harsh, but is it possible she has her own shit going on and doesn't have the strength to be your support? Some times a person just doesn't/cant deal with someone else's struggles. And thats ok. But to continue to put your expectations onto someone else is only going to leave you upset. Would it have been nice for her to write your daughter? Maybe. But maybe thats just one more thing for her to do and she just doesn't have it in her. Maybe she forgot. Or maybe thats just not how she shows people she cares.
Besides joining a moms military group, I would suggest perhaps a therapy session or two for you. It seems you have a lot of stress with your daughter being gone and maybe talking to someone neutral would help you sort it all out? If your daughter has been gone since March, depending on when in the month she left, she should be be atleast half way done with her basic training if not further than that. If you don't see yourself moving from the tears, it might be time to consider medicine as well.
I have to say, Boot Camp has been the most stressful part for me. Once my son was at his first duty station things got way better (better communication, better idea of when he'd be home). Now it's all 'old hat'. We talk on Sunday nights and text during the week. I still mail him cards once a week. We see him 2x a year when he is on holiday. But seeing/hearing how much he loves his job, his base, his battle buddies? That fills my heart so much and I don't dwell about him not being here.
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Post by myboysnme on May 20, 2023 21:52:43 GMT
When someone doesn't care then don't look to them to change. Sounds like you have people in your life beyond this cousin. Just take her for what she is and don't look to her for what she can't offer.
As for your daughter, I also left home at 18 for the military. She's being kept busier than ever before in her life and being watched over by professional watchers. You gave her wings but she will always love her nest.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 20, 2023 22:32:35 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. I totally get all of this, not your kid so not your problem. However, if you see that someone you are (or were) very close to and that you normally spend a lot of time with is actually struggling with something do you just ignore that? I think that’s primarily where the hurt is coming from, that the OP is openly struggling with her kid being gone and the cousin is more or less, “So what? Get over it.” Even if it isn’t a big deal to the cousin (nor does it need to be), does she not appreciate that it *is* a big deal to the OP? I can still try to be supportive even if I think the other person is being a little over the top. (Just ask my kid, LOL.) I mean, how hard is it to check in once in a while and ask someone how they’re doing over the course of several months especially if you already know they’ve been sad?
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Post by rockymtnpea on May 20, 2023 22:45:46 GMT
I love what Mom wrote. She has some great points in there. A person cannot be everything to everyone. I’d like to think I am a good friend…but I know my strengths and weaknesses and so do those that know me. Need money to support someone in need, count me in, let me Venmo to that to you. But I am not good at organizing the thing I am happy to contribute to…I am just not.
And this part I say with kindness…could it be cousin is like not this conversation again and is tapped out? Are all of your conversations focused on your child being at boot camp and how awful it is for you? If so, like someone else said…other people have their own shit and if every get together or meet up is dominated by the same conversation others may check out.
I am not saying that is right or ok…but that could be it too.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 3:20:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2023 22:47:50 GMT
Reread everything mom said. Seriously. Stop being so needy that others cannot live up to your expectations. I say this coming from the same place as mom. I have a kid in the military and I sent a kid off to college ten hours away. I also dealt with being the fiancee waiting at home while he was at basic training AND dealt with a deployment. You are at the extreme end of the emotions and stress and probably should seek counseling.
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Post by lisae on May 21, 2023 0:57:33 GMT
You didn't say whether your cousin has children. If not, that is another reason she really may not get how big a deal this is to you. I do not have children and am in the group that would not say more than 'how is your daughter doing?' or "have you heard from her?"
Hopefully when your daughter completes boot camp, it will get easier on you. In the meantime, I think other military moms might be more of a comfort to you. You are moving into another phase of your life to with an emptier nest and you may need to bring new people into your circle and spend less time with others.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 3:20:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2023 11:28:15 GMT
I won't judge your perspective as mine is completely different, but I'll accept that your daughter being away is difficult for you.
I think you may find that many people are unsure why you would be so affected so they may not have the perspective you are looking for to validate how you feel. I'd probably just lean on my spouse or close friend and leave it there.
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Post by auntkelly on May 21, 2023 12:11:36 GMT
I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time. I have no experience w/ military life, so I can only imagine how hard it would be to send a child to boot camp. I like mom ‘s suggestion that you should join a military mom’s Facebook group. They will truly understand what you are going through. I don’t think you should completely give up on your cousin. You probably can’t rely on her to be your rock, but she at least cares enough about you to ask your daughter why you are upset with her. I’d tell her in a nonjudgmental way that you are going through a very hard time and why.
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Post by mom on May 21, 2023 12:19:44 GMT
I thought of something else --- are you staying busy with things you like to do? Hobbies? You need stay busy doing thing you love and want to do so you are not just sitting around, obsessing over your daughter being gone and what she is doing. Find a healthy outlet for you to get involved in and to take your mind off everything.
Your daughter needs you to be strong. The Military can be hard work (at times). Whether you realize it or not, how you are dealing -- or not dealing -- with her being gone will affect your daughter. And she needs to NOT worry about what's going on at home and be able to devote all of her focus on what is being asked of her. Give your daughter the gift of not having to worry about you.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on May 21, 2023 17:00:58 GMT
Stop being so needy that others cannot live up to your expectations. [/quote]
You see, a “needy” person cannot stop being that way anymore than a short person can become tall. And I think it’s incredibly insensitive to suggest such a thing.
The sad part to me is that the OP asked people to be gentle since she’s hurting.
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Post by allison1954 on May 21, 2023 21:43:37 GMT
I don’t think most people have been at all unkind.
Many, like mom, offered suggestions on where to get help with her feelings of loss.
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Post by SnoopyFan on May 22, 2023 1:44:25 GMT
I am a military mom and have sent kids far away to college, and I think mom has given you good advice. I had some people ask how my boys were doing, but no one ever asked for addresses to send letters. It's understandable that you are very caught up in this stage of life right now, but I think it's important to remember that not everyone is in your shoes. Everyone else is caught up in their own moments and things. It doesn't mean that people don't care. Finding a Facebook group of moms who are going through the same experience could be a very good thing for you. I definitely recommend that. I also recommend spending time doing things that are fun for you. You can't sit at home and worry about your daughter all the time. Are there hobbies you have been neglecting? Or books you want to read? Join a group, do a volunteer project, work on your garden.
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Post by katiekaty on May 22, 2023 2:04:40 GMT
I am sorry--it is hard when kids leave the nest! Have you talked to her about how you are feeling and that you could use more support and a listening ear? I am going to be 100% honest and say that it never occurred to me when my oldest left for college (3000 miles away, at 17) that it was a particularly difficult situation, so I personally might not intuit that your situation would be one where you'd need support or that I should contact your child. I hope that doesn't come across as being un-empathetic -- I completely get that military service and college are different, and that it doesn't matter what my personal feelings would be -- but if you haven't been direct about what you hope for from her, maybe try a direct conversation, as you are close.This! This! and also, this: My SIL has a son who joined the navy two months before his 18th birthday and instead of it being all about her, it’s Al about him! She spreads the positive news about her son and if any asks, will give a small business card with his address so the can write or send cards. She has never look at his growing and moving forward with his life, even though she feels he’s still her little baby boy and wants to protect him, as a loss to her but as growth for both of them. She really learning how to parent an adult child and move on that way. If anything , I will admiration to fo how she handles things. If she was whiny and needy and demanding support from everyone, I would probably avoid her too!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 3:20:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2023 2:34:30 GMT
I know my words and opinion come off as harsh. But it is true. You are being extremely needy. You need a group of people that can relate more, a different source to talk to and/or just a few people that you can get your emotional needs met. Don't expect everyone to do that, regardless of their relation to you. It never occurred to me to ask my cousins about their kids' mission trips just like it never occurred to them to ask about my kid in the military.
I will say this though: do not put any burden on your kid about your inability to adjust to them being gone. It doesn't matter if it's 1969, 1999, or today; they do not like parents demanding more communication, attention, or special treatment. Both my dad and my ex got in trouble with their superiors because their mothers couldn't handle them being gone and not writing home or calling often enough.
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Post by 950nancy on May 22, 2023 2:51:43 GMT
I see having a kid at college and one in the military as two totally different experiences, but I also see that some people just won't understand how you feel. They aren't living the experience and that should be okay. It sounds like your cousin lives in her own world and that is okay too. Rely on the people giving you support and see if there is someone you can talk to about how you are feeling. It seems like it more taxing on you than some other military moms. We live in a town that has 5 bases in and around it and I have lots of students go into military service. It tends to do a lot of great things for 18 year olds. Our school district has a very large percent of kids go into the army and I do know that it is stressful for both moms and dads.
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Post by mikklynn on May 22, 2023 13:22:44 GMT
I'm sorry you are struggling. Hugs to you!
But, since you say your cousin is flaky and it's always all about her, she's not going to change. Don't expect support from her.
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