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Post by hop2 on May 20, 2023 10:32:01 GMT
I’m no use. My response to people like that is to withdraw. It’s just a ‘how’s the weather’ conversation from then on. I try to avoid conflict, so I doubt I’d tell them how they hurt my feelings. Until I’m ready to cut them off they become ‘small talk’ people to me. Some notice the difference and ask and if I think they actually care I’ll spill. If I think they don’t actually care I’ll just keep quiet. It comes from when I’ve opened up about how I’m feeling and it’s was used against me. ( mother, ex husband ) From your OP I can’t tell if your cousin is that way or not but what she said to your other daughter is a red flag to me. 1st because if she knows your relationship is strained she should not be involving children. 2nd rallying others to their pov before even talking to you is a sign that they are not interested in mending the relationship but in making every one believe you are wrong.
I do not advise this method if you actually want to save the friendship because it’s clearly avoidance and not the adult way to approach things. But, it was my survival mechanism to people I had to deal with whom I could not be honest with or they would use my vulnerabilities against me.
Hugs
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Post by hop2 on May 20, 2023 10:32:53 GMT
PS I hope your daughter is doing well. It’s a tough time when we have to let them leave the nest.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on May 20, 2023 11:45:16 GMT
This would hurt me too. I have a family member like this. I go back and forth between feeling like I give more than I get and realizing I’m expecting someone to be something they are not and if I want a relationship I need to put up with it.
It’s frustrating but it’s on par with getting upset with a cat for not barking. Don’t be angry with people who don’t have the capacity to change.
Do you have other supportive friends or a therapist you can lean on?
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,812
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on May 20, 2023 12:30:13 GMT
Don’t be angry with people who don’t have the capacity to change. Do you have other supportive friends or a therapist you can lean on? OP, I completely understand why you are hurt and upset with your cousin. It is hard to deal with people we love who are not supportive at times we think they would be. I love what peaname said. I've written here before about going through a divorce. I have been so hurt and confused by people in my life who can't even be bothered to ask how I am doing. These are people who I have been close with in the past. Ironically enough, one is my cousin. She went through a nasty divorce a few years ago, and I spent so much time with her, listening to her vents, etc. Long before the divorce, during it and afterward. The last time she asked me how I am doing was November. I've talked to her since then, yet she never asks. An aunt I have been close to? Same thing--I have talked and texted with her about various things, but the last time she asked how I am doing was last May. I have other friends who again, have just not been there for me much if at all. And it does hurt. And the thing is, it's not like it's because they love my stbx and feel as if they have to take sides because not one of these people can stand him. Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about ME. I told you that to say that I have been trying to look at things just as peaname said. Instead of dwelling on those who are not there for me in the way I need people to be, I am forcing myself to focus on the ones who are. I'm trying not to let my expectations of what I think people should be doing ruin relationships that are otherwise good and important to me. I've had to ask myself, when the divorce is finally over, do I still want this person to be in my life. If the answer is yes, I am trying to cut them some slack and tell myself there must be a reason why they are being the way they are. Now if it's a relationship I was unsure of anyway, then yeah, I'm okay with just distancing myself from them and letting it go. I'm so sorry that someone important to you is letting you down. It's hard to wrap the brain around, but again, lean on those who ARE there for you. That change of attitude can make all the difference. Also, I remember how I felt when my sons joined the Navy. One was barely 18, and wow, it was hard, and I would never have expected that. They both left within 2 weeks of each other, so it was a double whammy. Hang in there, and look forward to boot camp graduation. That was seriously the most emotional, beautiful experience, and I spent a lot of time in tears (happy ones) that day. Your heart will swell with so much pride, and you will be amazed at the transformation your daughter will have gone through. I still tear up thinking about those two days, and it was 10 years ago. LOL
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Post by epeanymous on May 20, 2023 12:30:28 GMT
I am sorry--it is hard when kids leave the nest!
Have you talked to her about how you are feeling and that you could use more support and a listening ear? I am going to be 100% honest and say that it never occurred to me when my oldest left for college (3000 miles away, at 17) that it was a particularly difficult situation, so I personally might not intuit that your situation would be one where you'd need support or that I should contact your child. I hope that doesn't come across as being un-empathetic -- I completely get that military service and college are different, and that it doesn't matter what my personal feelings would be -- but if you haven't been direct about what you hope for from her, maybe try a direct conversation, as you are close.
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Post by katlaw on May 20, 2023 12:31:05 GMT
I have a cousin I love dearly and would be very hurt if she was not supportive of me when I needed her. I think you should get together with your cousin and tell her how you feel. Tell her you are not mad at her, you are overwhelmed with your emotions about your daughter being away and would really appreciate her sharing that with you. She can't change if you don't tell her how you are feeling. Just because she is flakey and all about herself doesn't mean she cannot be there for you if you let her know what you need from her. It is hard, my son left for Basic Training across the country when he was 19 years old and I worried about him and missed him. He was so far away, I kept thinking he could get hurt and I wouldn't be there for him. It was the best thing for him, he grew and loves his career in the military. It will not always be this hard for you, it has only been a few months. Sending you lots of hugs.
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 5,966
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on May 20, 2023 12:46:36 GMT
Everyone's needs are different. While many others may be asking how you are going or how your daughter is doing doesn't mean everyone else should or will do the same. To some, it may be something small and not see how big of a deal it is to you.
So unless you let those people know where you are at and what you need, they will just continue on their way.
Some adults, well I feel many, can not properly read situations and can have trouble expressing care. It could be due to neurodiversity, things they are going through and being at capacity, or that just isn't them. But it doesn't mean they don't care.
Maybe she feels the need to discuss other stuff since so many others are asking about the situation. Maybe to her she thinks talking about other things is better so you aren't constantly thinking or talking about your daughter.
Just some ideas that came to my mind.
But wveryone is different and we can't expect everyone to act the same.
I hope she is doing well and has adjusted to being away and is enjoying spreading her wings.
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Post by Linda on May 20, 2023 12:51:35 GMT
((((Hugs. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with your daughter leaving and I hope the training is going well for her. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling and that you could use more support and a listening ear? I am going to be 100% honest and say that it never occurred to me when my oldest left for college (3000 miles away, at 17) that it was a particularly difficult situation, so I personally might not intuit that your situation would be one where you'd need support or that I should contact your child. I hope that doesn't come across as being un-empathetic -- I completely get that military service and college are different, and that it doesn't matter what my personal feelings would be -- but if you haven't been direct about what you hope for from her, maybe try a direct conversation, as you are close. I agree with that. It IS different to sending a child away to college (I've had one who went away to college and one who enlisted in the Navy) in large part due to the limited communication. But even with the military training, different parents handle it in different ways and tbh, while I would probably write a letter (and have) to a relative who enlisted if their parent gave me their address, unless the parent expressed that they were struggling, it wouldn't occur to me to reach out and check on how they were coping.
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Post by Zee on May 20, 2023 13:11:51 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry.
I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that.
And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me.
I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 20, 2023 13:25:27 GMT
Your cousin is a self-absorbed ass, perhaps? She has either always been this way, or she does not approve of what your daughter is doing. Most people, I hope, would put their personal feelings aside and offer support. Not her. And if she is close to you, how can she not notice that you are struggling?
I wouldn’t waste my time trying to talk to her, personally. You can’t guilt someone into empathy. But I’ll validate you. You are understandably proud of your daughter. And your cousin is an ass. ☺️
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Post by Lurkingpea on May 20, 2023 13:27:58 GMT
I sent a child to boot camp. No one sent me a card or asked how I was doing. I would have thought it odd if they did, actually. Most everyone asked if I had heard from child. Asked how child was doing. But they would have asked exactly the same if they had been at home or college. I understand you are struggling but I don't think your experience is typical. Everyone reacts differently to their child leaving the nest. I think the others that have said you can't expect everyone to know that you are struggling is true. I have had several friends that have had children either go to boot camp go far away to college move to other countries. I have never done more than just ask how kids are. I don't think that makes me unfeeling. Kids are supposed to grow up and move on. If days are actually tough to get through I think maybe you need to talk to somebody professionally.
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Post by Lurkingpea on May 20, 2023 13:31:37 GMT
Your cousin is a self-absorbed ass, perhaps? She has either always been this way, or she does not approve of what your daughter is doing. Most people, I hope, would put their personal feelings aside and offer support. Not her. And if she is close to you, how can she not notice that you are struggling? I wouldn’t waste my time trying to talk to her, personally. You can’t guilt someone into empathy. But I’ll validate you. You are understandably proud of your daughter. And your cousin is an ass. ☺️ What makes you think her cousin doesn't approve approve. That is a lot to read into the op's statement. I agree her cousin should probably see that she is struggling. I also think finding days hard to get through because your child is in boot camp maybe a little extreme to most people.
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 5,966
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on May 20, 2023 13:39:43 GMT
I will add that I don't think it's fair to others to expect them to extend their me tal bandwidth because you don't feel they are doing enough.
We have all had a tough 3 years and are still processing things and dealing with the aftermath of Covid shut down.
Plus people have other big things going on.
So people just have to limit their resources and she may be out of resources.
Doesn't make her an ass or self centered.
Like Zee, I too wouldn't write or contact your child nor would I constantly be a dotting friend that always asks how you are. I'm not going to write to my niece when she moves away to college. Why?
It would also weigh me down to constantly ask how you are when I have my own stuff going on.
Do you happen to ask how she is? Do you show interest and engage in her life and things she is going through? Or do you just expect it of yourself?
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Post by gar on May 20, 2023 13:47:37 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. Yeah that.
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Post by *sprout* on May 20, 2023 13:50:23 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. This exactly. OP, I say this gently - Perhaps you might benefit from talking to a counselor?
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 20, 2023 14:35:20 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. I agree with this. For me personally, the level of support that you are expecting, wouldn't even occur to me. If our paths crossed.... I may ask "how is your daughter doing?", but that it's. If our paths didn't cross, I wouldn't have inquired at all. Your current highly sensitive feelings and emotions, and the depths of what *you* are currently feeling and experiencing are yours. While it is a traumatic experience for you, when others have experienced the same kind of situation.....it didn't affect them at all. Most people have a surrounding village, and members of ones village are going to react differently to everything. There is no right or wrong, in regards to another's level of support (or lack thereof). Everyone's personality, psyche, reaction, currency, love language, perception, etc.... of everything and anything......is different. Just because someone didn't react or support you in the way that *you* think they should, that shouldn't be held against them. I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish you peace and strength.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 20, 2023 14:54:11 GMT
Your cousin is a self-absorbed ass, perhaps? She has either always been this way, or she does not approve of what your daughter is doing. Most people, I hope, would put their personal feelings aside and offer support. Not her. And if she is close to you, how can she not notice that you are struggling? I wouldn’t waste my time trying to talk to her, personally. You can’t guilt someone into empathy. But I’ll validate you. You are understandably proud of your daughter. And your cousin is an ass. ☺️ What makes you think her cousin doesn't approve approve. That is a lot to read into the op's statement. I agree her cousin should probably see that she is struggling. I also think finding days hard to get through because your child is in boot camp maybe a little extreme to most people. Read my sentence again, noticing the word “either.” It could very well be that she just lacks empathy. It might be something else, or a combination of things.
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Post by tuva42 on May 20, 2023 15:10:47 GMT
I understand that you need support right now. But as others have said, this isn't going to be something everyone will see as an event needing support. Many of us have sent our 18-year-olds off to distant colleges. Yes, its different from the military, but its not different in terms of the time we go without being able to see them.
This is a hard time for you. Look for the people who are there to comfort you and realize that not everyone is going to understand your emotions.
Your cousin clearly has never shown much empathy. I don't think this is something you call her out on. Just step away. Don't rely on her for support. Rely on her for fun or whatever else she has brought to your friendship.
I hope your daughter has great success and that you find peace in her being away from you. It's such an exciting time in her life.
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Post by librarylady on May 20, 2023 15:31:59 GMT
This^^^^^
None of my siblings ever asked how *I* was doing when my son left for the military. They asked if I had heard from him and how he was doing etc. I tried to get them to drop him a note, but not much response there. My brother and his son who both made the military their career did ask how he was doing and but no one was asking about how his parents were managing. ---I confess as different nieces and nephews left home for college, I think I MIGHT have asked how it felt to have an empty nest, but I didn't focus on the parents, I wondered about how the young adult was doing "out in the big world."
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on May 20, 2023 15:42:54 GMT
I know what you are feeling. My grandson just finished Marine boot camp a few weeks ago. That was all that was on mind while he was gone. A lot of people didn’t understand my feelings at all. We have a small family, we made sure we flooded him with mail. He is not going in contact with his mother, so I tried to be the mom figure for him. He is 23, which made it a little easier for him than only being 18.
I hope your daughter is doing well. It is rugged, but not nearly as rough as I imagined. If you can go to Family Day and graduation it will fill your heart with joy. As for your cousin, just blow her off, you have more important to think about right now. Some people can’t stand it when the spotlight isn’t on them.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,352
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on May 20, 2023 16:05:14 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. Add me to the list of peas that are your cousin. I don't talk about my issues to other people. I just don't. I expect my friends to have a drink with me and vent about work and laugh, but I'm just not someone who shares my feelings. I don't see them as emotional support beyond having fun. Having fun with them is my emotional support. It doesn't mean I don't listen to their life events and problems but I just don't do emotional lifting. I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that. It would never occur to me expect the level of attention you expect. I'd ask how your kid was doing and listen, but beyond that? I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 20, 2023 16:21:19 GMT
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. It can be a big adjustment when our kids leave home. Even when my first left, it was just so much quieter. It’s all still very new for you and it will get better. One of the best aspects of parenting is seeing your grown children becoming productive members of society. They come home for a break and you get to spoil them. And when you send them back, peace will reign over the house again and you realize that the calm is not so bad after all!
I think that we get different things from different people. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that your cousin needs to be cut off from your life. It just means that she’s not going to meet that need for you. She may be selfish, she may be avoiding the topic, she may be clueless. That doesn’t mean that your relationship has been a lie. Just that she’s not going to meet this need.
She’s noticed that you are angry with her. Talk to her and explain how you feel—that you need support now and are spending time with those who are giving it to you. Maybe plan a girls night and reconnect with what feeds your relationship with her.
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Post by cmpeter on May 20, 2023 16:47:00 GMT
We can't expect everyone in our family/friend circle to meet 100% of our needs. Just as we all have different needs, they all have different abilities to fill those needs. I deal with this personally with my mother. In order to have a relationship with her, I have to just accept that she's never going to be the type of mother I want her to be. I can choose to take what she can give me or be constantly frustrated with her.
I'm sorry this transition is difficult for you. I hope your daughter is doing well.
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Post by MichyM on May 20, 2023 17:03:31 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. I am 1000% behind this. 15 years ago DS moved across the country to college, and then directly to his city of choice (on the opposite coast) upon graduation. While it is different than boot camp, we now get to watch them soar. That's what we worked for for 18 years. Right?!? It would never occur to me (unless we were very close) to constantly check in with someone who's kid has flown the nest. It's a natural part of life. All that said, I am so sorry that you are struggling OP. HUGS.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,921
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on May 20, 2023 17:16:11 GMT
I'm...your cousin. I'm sorry. I don't need to write to my cousin's kids in boot camp, I think we'll both be just fine without that. And to me, kids leaving home isn't really so sad or unbearable that I need my entire extended family to ask me about it or check in on me. I think you need to understand that what's a big deal to you isn't to everyone, and give her a break. You don't have to have empathy for every situation. Just say hi and let the conversation move naturally. Perfectly said!
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,137
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on May 20, 2023 17:25:33 GMT
i learned this going thru my divorce as well. some that were close and saw/asked what i needed and stepped up. others went along their way with a "sorry to hear" and one of my best friends told me i was wrong for feeling the way i did, would only support me in my divorce if i demanded full custody, etc (and we are no longer friends).
i would say to your other daughter, if your cousin comes at her again about "your mom is mad at me", to suggest "i am not sure you are reading the situation well, if you care about your relationship with my mom, maybe you should reach out to her directly".
while other peas be making perhaps valid points about how much support you should expect during this particular situation, i just gravitate to those in my life that understand how i am feeling. and i don't share much with those i find dismissive or lacking empathy on a situation that i need support with.
good luck over next bit - i have no experience but would hope it gets easier with time.
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Post by fkawitchypea on May 20, 2023 17:42:49 GMT
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. My 19 year old ds left for boot camp in February. It was hard, as in I miss him terribly and also miss the things he used to do for me around the house...lol. There have been a few positives....far fewer dirty dishes in the house, far less laundry and well....I know where he is, so there are no worries there. Have you seen your daughter since she left? Are you getting to speak to her? The thing that has really made this much easier to accept is that ds is very happy and is doing well. We write a few times as week and now that he is out of bootcamp and into his next phase of training he has his phone every Saturday and Sunday. In fact, just as I was typing this he called If you are still having such a difficult time, you may want to talk to someone. Also, for me, Lexapro has been a godsend. As for your cousin, I'm not sure how I would handle that. I don't think addressing it at a Memorial Day party with the entire family is a good idea. If you feel you need to say something, choose a time when it's just the two of you.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on May 20, 2023 17:48:37 GMT
I don't think I'm just an ass but I would also be someone not meeting your current needs. I struggled a lot when my youngest moved out and moved far away but my needs were the opposite. I was fine to tall about him and happy to answer questions but it made me emotional and that meant a shift in the energy when the conversation turned to him. I didn't want it to always be about me so I didn't often bring it up on situations that werent all about us and there is a pretty absolute chance I wouldn't bring anyone else's child up in a similar situation.
When something is happening where the situation is brought up on every single conversation people I hear people say it's a relief to talk about something else so I'm usually that person- I'm awkward and most likely won't say the right thing so I'll be the cousin that talks about anything else to give you a break and will be genuinely confused when you're mad at me for guessing at your needs and then not understanding then enough to fill them for you.
If I'm supposed to do or say something "right" I'm going to need a checklist and I'm grateful when people tell me what their expectations are, it's so much easier than emotional guessing games and I'm much less likely to let people down.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on May 20, 2023 17:50:03 GMT
Amd ,I'm sorry you're struggling with your daughter neighborhood away and your relationship with your cousin (and that I forgot to say it even when it's laid out on front of me)
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 20, 2023 19:33:58 GMT
You said she's kind of flakey and all about herself so it doesn't sound like an isolated incident. I'm a lot like hop2 in that I would likely be more surface with her and not expect or want to give her any more than that.
As far as how to approach it, i'm not sure that you'll get her to understand your view if she's generally all about herself. I'd just leave it be, if she asks you point blank you could tell her you're not mad you're just going through a tough time right now. Would be interesting to see if she stepped up any if you just made the statement without indicating she was a problem.
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