How do you feed a picky family?

Can you make ingredients separately and let everyone pick what they want? Like fajitas. Have neat in one bowl. Veg in another. Tortillas are optional. Pasta same thing. Pasta in one bowl everyone adds it doesn't add sauce. Meat in separate bowl.
It is more work for you, but if your true goal is to feed everyone it might be an aption.

I grew up a picky eater in a house where you eat what's served and no snacking allowed. As a result, I went hungry a lot.

A couple of things that work for us:
Everyone gets a night, one night per week is a meal DH favors, one night it's DD another it's me. When someone complains my response is this is a dad night, your night is tomorrow.

I've got 2 kids who have legit texture issues so very little casseroles here. I try things like a dish served on a carb base where you can scrape the protein off and not eat the base. Always a veggie side for DD who doesn't care for proteins. One kid who hates cheese, one mom who loves cheese so cheese on part of the dish.

I also agree with the build your own idea. If I have to cook it separately, then you can assemble what you want before we sit down to eat. I don't feel like i'm being a short order cook by doing this, but my mom disagreed. As the person who often went hungry I tend to do a bit more to get people to eat.

Picky eater here. You prepare a meal and if they don't like it, they are welcome to find something else in the kitchen and make it themselves. (The key being you don't do it, they have to be in charge of their pickiness.). Your children are old enough to do that aren't they? Anything less than that and you are setting yourself up to be a short order cook. I would have healthy snack options available (fruit, raw veggies) that they can always help themselves to as well.

Another option is having each child help plan the menu/prepare it one night a week.

I was a fairly picky eater, but loved what my Mom cooked. She wasn't much into casseroles, so I think that contributes to my not loving the so much.

When I make spaghetti, I never add the sauce to the pasta. Mix on your own plate if you want. Same for salads with dressing - dress on your plate.

I was lucky that my kids were never to picky with my food, but each one had a couple things they didn't care for, and I worked around it.

One thing that helped, was that I involved them in the planning, shopping, and preparation from a very early age. They seemed more willing to eat things they had actively participated in making.

They are fantastic cooks now and very adventurous eaters. Their friends always ask them how they know how to cook - it was just everyday life here. Same way they can all weld and set fence posts! lol

DH is the only non picky eater in our house. All of our meals are "plain" so it is something that everyone will eat but not necessarily like. DH prefers meals where there is a base meal and then he can add what he wants. For example, chili. The girls and I like only the tomato sauce and meat so he puts some of that in another pot and makes it for him with all that yucky garbage like beans. Same with when we make KFC bowls. Youngest dd doesn't want the food touching so she just puts the chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on a plate. We also do like a pp and we each have our own night to pick a meal.

2/3 of my kids are picky eaters (although I'm only feeding one of them atm) and DH has both gotten pickier with age AND has diabetes. I also have diabetes.

I had my kids cook once/week starting at 10-12 - they choose the menu and the recipes and prepare it - I was available to guide and demonstrate. Sometimes they've cooked something they didn't end up liking, sometimes they've cooked something I didn't end up liking but we've added some new recipes to the meal rota over the years of doing this (my oldest is 31, my last at home is 16)

I serve multiple vegetables with a meal and one must choose and eat at least one. There's always at least one cooked and one raw option - one of my picky eaters doesn't like cooked, the other doesn't like raw. There's always fruit as well and I buy those individual packs of fruit and applesauce which are available if you don't like the offered fruit

If you don't eat the protein - then go grab some cheese or hummus or peanut butter or yoghurt because no protein = hangry

I generally only make meals that at least 2 people like (I'm cooking for 3 atm) and I try (don't always succeed) in planning not to have two dinners disliked by the same person in a row - that does make planned leftovers a little more challenging though and she who doesn't like turkey is out of luck 4 times a year (I roast a turkey quarterly) because we'll eat it as leftovers and then cooked into something - I do freeze some each time so it's no more than 3 days in row.

we also do build your own meals - tacos, burritos, salads, baked potatoes - so everyone can pick what they are willing to add. I also often (weeklyish) do a meal of either bread, cheese, fruit/veg or a sandwich based meal.

With that many distinct preferences, I think you'd be well served to reframe what pleasing your family looks like. To use a grade analogy, I'd say that shooting for 75% satisfaction is an A, not a C. My family is picky but not to that degree!

When I'm really on my planning game, I think about meals as an average across the whole week. In that time, I want everyone to have the following items at least some nights (but not necessarily all nights:

*Protein
*Fiber from a whole food source
*Something green (which might also be a fiber from a whole food source)
*Starch of some sort (which *might* also be a fiber)


I do try to plan meals so that there is something that everyone will eat (not necessarily love) - that might mean pleasing a meat eater for the protein piece, but offering several fruits for a carb lover. Another night it might be a carb heavy meal with the "planned over" (not leftover) meat entree for the meat lover. Another popular item here is burrito bowls (similar to fajitas) - when I have seasoned ground beef, seasoned rice, a can of pinto beans, along with shredded lettuce, avocado and tomato, there is something for everyone.

Also - does your family help with cleanup? I sure hope so - that's a lot of dishes!!

My rule is if you express ideas and requests for the grocery list and meals, then I will honor those ideas and requests.

If I ask your opinion and you don’t have one, you can eat what I cook or go hungry.

I am an extremely picker eater, so I believe everyone should eat whatever they want.
Whomever is doing the cooking make one meal. If someone doesn't like what is made, they are free to make or get their own food. 

I am single, so I am the only one eating.
If I had others in my home, my only expectation would be everyone eat together at the table(doesn't matter if it's different food).....because I believe table time encourages conversation and I like around the table camaraderie.

When I used to cook for others, I made my plain and added spices and/or condiments to some of the food. Everyone was free to enhance or doctor up their food as they want to. For instance: If I was making chicken breasts or pork chops, I'd leave mine plain and add sauce or spices to some of them. I'd also make two vegetables (one I like and one I didn't). If I was making roast, I'd cut it before cooking 1/3(mine...well done) and 2/3(his....medium-rare).

Any leftovers could be eaten, for next day lunch or dinner.

What we did was got our kid more involved with the meal planning and prep. She isn’t truly picky as there aren’t a lot of things she really won’t touch, but there are nights when I know she won’t eat what I’m planning to make (tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, she’s not a big fan of mayonnaise or celery) and on those nights she’s free to have whatever else she wants to make. She’s at the age now where some nights we tell her it’s her turn to grill the burgers or make scrambled eggs or whatever and she does it.

Growing up I was the picky one and my mom was the queen of the casserole (a/k/a hot dish) and OMG I hated every one of the hundred variations of it that she would make. 🤮 Ours was the kind of family where you either ate it, sat there staring at it on your plate until bedtime or went hungry. There wasn’t an option to make anything else. I would have loved to be able to opt out and have a bowl of cold cereal instead!

I think the best answer is to give each kid a night to cook and let them make what they want on those days. They have to be responsible ahead of time to add things to the grocery list so they have what they need to prepare the meal they plan to make. Maybe to avoid total junk food night when the kids are cooking, give them guidelines they need to work within so it ends up being relatively healthy. Four kids plus you and DF is six nights, the last day is either leftover cleanup night, pizza night or whatever you decide to do.

Well, that's quite the pickle! You have two people who are complete opposites: no carbs / all carbs. 

I tend to make food that I really like, and make a couple of substitutions for any others who don't like certain elements of the dish.

Chicken schnitzel with miso mushroom sauce - leave off the mushroom sauce and make DS's schnitzel a parmigiana. Leave the chicken breast uncrumbed for DD.

Sticky marinated salmon - use the same marinade on chicken for DSO.

Anything with coriander (cilantro) in it, I will put some aside for DD's partner without the coriander, then add the coriander for the rest of us.

If I'm doing a big roast lamb dinner with all the roast veggies, I will get a butterflied chicken to cook for DD and DS (how can they be my children when they don't like lamb?!)

Spaghetti bolognese or lasagne - a simple pesto pasta for DD who doesn't eat red meat.

DS doesn't like rice or mashed potato so I either leave that off his plate completely, or chuck some chips or potato gems (tater tots) in the air fryer. Or for a curry, leave the rice out and he can just have some roti or paratha (which we are also having). 

Ugh dinner in my house is a mess

Dh is on a low-card/keto diet

Ds22 has one foot out the door and while he technically lives here still it’s a crapshoot if he’ll be here for dinner or not (and he’s terrible at keeping us posted). When he is here he’ll eat anything though, he’s not picky at all.

Ds12 has eaten noodles with butter for about 90% of his dinners over the last 10 years (that’s not an exaggeration).

I’ll eat many things but frankly I don’t enjoy heavy on the meat meals, I like casseroles, pasta, stir fry, etc.

With it being summer we’ve been grilling or smoking meats, I’ll have it as part of a salad or along side a baked potato or some frozen veggies. But it gets old.

I run into this all the time when decluttering when my "imaginary life" conflicts with my "real life".  Sounds like your imaginary dinner time and your real dinner time don't mesh.  So you need to just accept what you are dealing with and work with it.   I'd prepare good meals, try to accommodate them when feasible, then let it go.  Have other options available they can help themselves to.  Honestly, they are not going to starve.  They will eat when they get hungry.   As for the grocery list, I gave up on family participation on my running grocery list.   I buy what I know we are out of/running low and keep my eye out for new things DH might like (he's a non-picky eater).  I do ask for input the day I go to the store, but if they don't tell me they are out of luck.  He can get it himself or ask me the next time.  Less stress all around.  Good luck!