article on moms at Christmas

Yep, this has always been me, even when I worked full time. In recent years DH might order one gift for each girl online, but that's only been the past few years.

IDK how to change it. He places no value on making the holiday special. If it was up to him, we'd hand each other some gifts still in their store bags and order a pizza.

The good news is that my girls are old enough now that they've noticed this and will call him out on it. They realize that all the Christmas magic was all Mom's doing these last 22 years. And they make sure there is something wrapped under the tree for me, and they're happy to help with cooking/baking.

ETA: over the past few years I have seriously scaled down the amount of decorating and baking I do. We only put up the trees, which everyone helps with. None of the other decor I used to do. And baking/cooking is only what others are willing to help with. We're doing shredded chicken tacos for Christmas Eve (and I've put older DD in charge of seeing if she can find someone selling tamales out of their trunk, because she lives in the East End and those are always the best tamales). DH is smoking a brisket for Christmas day and we're doing simple sides the girls can help with. 

I still planned and purchased everything, including the presents, but it's better than it was.

I’m totally that mom in the skit. Making Christmas special is my jam. When I was young, my siblings would say I had to be part elf because I could make all the things and wrap all the things and bake all the things.

My DH used to try (although not very hard, and would typically fail miserably) to buy me things but he’s not a detail guy when it comes to that stuff. He really just isn’t wired the right way to be a good gift giver. It’s not in his skill set and after nearly 40 years together I know this, and I can either choose to be disappointed and butthurt year after year or I can do something about it. So I choose to be Santa for myself, and make sure I have something nice that I actually want under the tree on Christmas.

This year I’m getting an Apple Watch 9, last year I got a Ninja XL food processor that I wanted and a sublimation printer. He buys himself everything he ever wanted and then some, so shopping for him is actually quite hard. I will make him some new PJ pants and a fun t-shirt, I bought him a new plaid flannel shirt for family pictures that I already gave him and he said he wants a pumpkin pie, which I can do.

I’m lucky in that DH is particularly great at gifting, and he enjoys doing it. That doesn’t mean he’s going to automatically shop for anyone except me but he is involved with the decisions much of the time, and when I tell him I need help or to handle (whoever’s) gift, it gets done. Maybe last minute, and not what I would have chosen, but that’s okay. He takes care of it. Now, he only helps wrap when I ask…but that’s because he knows it’s one of my favorite parts to Christmas!

There was one year my depression was so bad I was basically comatose while awake, so very out of it. I was told I gave appropriate reactions while opening things, but I remember very, very little from that whole Christmas season. I remember where I wa standing at his family’s celebration while his Uncle opened a gift, and I remember my Granma coming into the bedroom to see me when I didn’t come out when the extended family came over. That’s it. A few weeks after Christmas I started coming out of it, and going through the stacks of presents that were just sitting there was like having Christmas all over again because I didn’t remember opening any of it. To this day I have no idea what we got anyone but my sister, because she showed me afterwards and said what a good job he did. Oh, and his gift for his parents was the best one we ever got them. He decided, purchased, and wrapped every single thing for both of our families and back then, that was a LOT of people. And that was before we bought things online. Arranged for when we’d be visiting and staying with both sides of the family, both out of town, different towns several hours from each other at that. Packed us and our presents, got us there and back, did all of the socializing for both of us, and took care of me and our pets the entire time. He really picked up the ball and ran with it. I know a lot of people for whom that would never happen, they’d basically have had to skip Christmas because they are the only one in their family to handle these things.

As far as decorating, Christmas has been really hard since a loss on Christmas in 2010, so he’s not as into it as he used to be. If he’s not into it I either don’t decorate if I think it’ll bring him down, or just ask him to bring everything I want in and put up the tree(s) because I physically can’t do those things. Otherwise, he helps some, but he doesn’t get super excited helping me decorate my peacock tree in my craft room and usually has already helped with 1-4 other trees so no big deal. I do a lot of the rest of it because I enjoy it. But the Christmas village(s) are something we always do together.

My bone to pick with him is this:



In his household, the women handle almost all the hostessing and cooking duties in general. Meaning, his mom always has. It’s a cultural thing, but not his culture. His Dad grew up in Pakistan. Now, we come from out of town so are almost always there well ahead of time as we stay with them. For ages he just wanted to sit around while his mom did everything because that is what he was used to. He explained it to me that we do so much for our celebrations, and my mom’s celebrations, that he just wanted one where he could relax. Uh, no? How is that fair to his mom? Or even me, because I’m the one who would always pick up the slack because his sisters just show up right before and leave before anything is taken care of and don’t help during unless his mom makes them. And even then it doesn’t last long. We’re all adults, we should all contribute. He’s much better about it now and even sometimes asks what else he can do (wow) but for years it was such a struggle.

Growing up until I was 10 Mom was single so I know she did everything, and it was amazing. After she remarried, she still did almost everything, my dad kicked in when he felt like it, and wanted all the praise he felt entitled to. I started noticing mom didn’t really have many gifts or stocking stuffers about the time I got a job so I took over as much as I could at the time.

Most of the women I know are in this same situation.

When ds was born, I decided I wasn't doing the over top thing. I had already figured out that I was doing the bulk of all of it, and that wasn't sitting well.

I stuck to 5 presents for ds following the something you want, something you need, something to play with, something to read, and a Santa gift. Since he was 9 it has been 4 Lego sets and a book. I'm assuming he will tell me if he wants something different. I generally put something I really want in my stocking as dh tends to not do so well in the gift department. Last year was a bust, so he will likely do better this year.

Many years I haven't put up a tree, and I didn't put one up this year. I also have scaled back baking to just the things we like.

 I havent gotten our cards out this year, not sure it will happen. I toyed with buying cards instead of a photocard and DH was like, they are almost $1 a card! I looked at him and thought, ok this guy hasn't done Xmas cards in 20 years, apparently.   I just put them back and went home in a funk.





This is me too, it just feels same ol same ol.

I just look at all the stuff we haul out, which I love when its up and makes the house feel cozy, but I REALLY love when we put it all away. the house feels empty and fresh LOL




OMG AussieMeg that is SO awesome!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

crazy4scraps I wish we had a Costco!

I have learned to be ok with a scaled back holiday. My DH and his parents are gone, DS and his family are out of state, and my parents are in a care facility. I'm just doing the things that bring me joy. I have a pencil tree with just ornaments I love, instead of my huge tree with accumulated ornaments. If DS is here to put that up, great. This year I won't see him until new year's weekend, so it's not up.

The SNL skit really resonated with me. One year DH got pissy about what I was spending. He didn't have a clue, BTW. I told him he didn't get a say. I explained that when he helped me plan what I was buying for everyone, helped with the shopping, wrapping, shipping, cooking, and cleaning, then he would get a say. He never said another word. I always stuck to a budget, well within our means.

That's the one thing DH never questions. He doesn't want to know - but he doesn't question. LOL If he gets involved in picking things out, he is forever getting the most expensive option.

Not only should moms not be doing everything, but take a real look at what you are doing and how much of it is really contributing to a better holiday season for you or your family? How many of the things that are stressing you out could you just *not do*? How many are things you're doing out of habit more than anything?

DH and I both come from families that enjoy and celebrate the holidays but are not nearly as extravagant as many families we know. I'm so grateful for it; it allows us all to enjoy the holiday season rather than it being stressful.

Your holidays do not have to be this way. You can say no to things. You can drop things you've always done but aren't really important. Think hard about what would make your holidays more enjoyable for everyone. Don't be a martyr. It IS more important for your kids to have you present and engaged rather than flustered and exhausted because you tried to make every moment "magical" for them.

DH contributes about 50% at Christmas. He decorates (inside and outside) and buys and wraps half the presents. I don't fill my own stocking. The rest of the year, however...

I wish he would remember to take photos (with me in them) but when he does I'm either chewing, have some object in the background sticking out of my head, or look like I have 300 chins... so maybe I really don't want to be in the photos.

LOL our DHs must be twins! He always manages to take the worst possible photos of me, and then of course he posts them on social media. 🤪🙄 Dude really? Is that necessary?

I actually *need* a robe hahaha.

I've lost most of my Christmas mojo, what little there was to begin with. I am really sick of doing everything, so I have stopped most of it. I don't think my husband has ever done anything to be part of Christmas- he grew up not celebrating it, and that's his excuse, but he's the one that "loves it so much!"

While he would never dare say it directly, he has mentioned how things are much more *low key* (now that I have stopped doing them) and that it feels less like Christmas. I invited him to restart the traditions- but I am still waiting on that. It really sucks when you do everything to make Christmas happen and to have it completely unrecognized. I used to at least get a few candles from the kids, but he doesn't even bother to orchestrate that anymore.

OK *ends annual xmas pity party*

Does your DH just not like your brothers/family? My DH isn’t crazy about my family either and definitely wouldn’t want to travel any distance to hang out with them for several days running. I don’t mind my brothers too much but I have to say I would feel the same about hanging around with his sister.

How do your boys feel about these visits? Would they rather go with you or stay home with dad? While I can understand your motivation for wanting to go, I can also understand his motivation to not want to go. Some people really just prefer the quieter experience of staying home on holidays (I’m one of them).

If it’s important to you is there any way you can come to a compromise? Could you make a shorter visit with your mom around (but not on) Christmas and see your brothers where they live at a different, non-holiday time of year, even if you have to go alone? That would be a compromise I would be willing to make.

It sounds like you are the only one who really enjoys all of the holiday stuff but it does get old doing it all yourself. If they don’t want to help with any of it, I would only do the things that personally bring me joy and let the rest of it go. Maybe it’s time to make some new holiday traditions that would be a better fit for what you and your family are into now that your kids are getting older. 

Is there a reason why your brothers can’t come to you to visit some years? Why is it all on you to make sure these connections happen? Relationships of all kinds are a two way street, and I would pretty quickly find myself feeling resentful if I was the only one making an effort even if it was between siblings. I understand that having everyone together at Christmas makes it a convenient time to knock out a lot of visits at once, but I will also say (as someone who comes from a big family myself) it can also make it a very chaotic, noisy and somewhat stressful time for someone who *doesn’t* come from that sort of environment and that perspective should be validated as well.

Is your DH an introvert? When you do go there for Christmas, do you stay with family or in a hotel? If you are staying with family, perhaps your DH would be more agreeable to it if you stayed in a hotel so he could have a place to go to decompress that’s away from everyone. 

As for the other activities, I think sometimes we have to accept that our families just aren’t into the same things we are. You’re in an especially tough spot because with five guys in the house and no other females, I feel like you might need to find other ways to have those needs fulfilled. My DH and I have very different interests, most of which don’t overlap at all. Even my DD isn’t into many of the things I like to do. If I want to continue to do those things, I either have to go by myself or find a friend who also wants to do those things. For years and years, I would go with friends to scrapbook retreats, stamp conventions, crops, shopping, etc. He goes with his friends hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, ATVing, etc. Would I love it if he liked doing the same things I do? Sure, but since that’s not gonna happen I have to find other ways to meet those needs and be okay with that.

I looked up the GLOW festival and honestly it looks like mostly a girl thing with boutique type shopping, a light show, and a lot of walking around outside. Sort of like Miracle at Big Rock. At almost $21 a head for anyone over 12, that’s $100+ for your family just to get in the door, plus the gas to drive into the cities and the travel time back and forth. While I personally think it could be cool for the small vendors and stuff, my DH and 13 yo DD would have zero interest in attending something like that and it’s the exact kind of thing I’d have to either go alone or find a friend that wanted to tag along.