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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 22, 2023 17:11:15 GMT
Dh doesn’t go with us regardless of the occasion or time of year. He said it isn’t that he doesn’t like them, but didn’t really give any reason other than not wanting to spend his Christmas there. The kids don’t mind going. They do help with the baking but Dh does not. My brothers live in Oregon and I don’t have money to go there every year. I also think it’s important for the kids to have connections to family and cousins. My husband apparently doesn’t think that is important. In total I gave 11 siblings and numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and until this summer, grandparents. Christmas is the only time when most of them are all in one place. As for activities, Nobody wants to do much of what I suggest-holiday or not. It seems that unless it is kids sports related we do nothing. This morning I saw a commercial for the Glow festival in St. Paul. I sent a family text saying that we should go next weekend and one DS liked the text but nobody else acknowledged it at all. Is there a reason why your brothers can’t come to you to visit some years? Why is it all on you to make sure these connections happen? Relationships of all kinds are a two way street, and I would pretty quickly find myself feeling resentful if I was the only one making an effort even if it was between siblings. I understand that having everyone together at Christmas makes it a convenient time to knock out a lot of visits at once, but I will also say (as someone who comes from a big family myself) it can also make it a very chaotic, noisy and somewhat stressful time for someone who *doesn’t* come from that sort of environment and that perspective should be validated as well. Is your DH an introvert? When you do go there for Christmas, do you stay with family or in a hotel? If you are staying with family, perhaps your DH would be more agreeable to it if you stayed in a hotel so he could have a place to go to decompress that’s away from everyone. As for the other activities, I think sometimes we have to accept that our families just aren’t into the same things we are. You’re in an especially tough spot because with five guys in the house and no other females, I feel like you might need to find other ways to have those needs fulfilled. My DH and I have very different interests, most of which don’t overlap at all. Even my DD isn’t into many of the things I like to do. If I want to continue to do those things, I either have to go by myself or find a friend who also wants to do those things. For years and years, I would go with friends to scrapbook retreats, stamp conventions, crops, shopping, etc. He goes with his friends hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, ATVing, etc. Would I love it if he liked doing the same things I do? Sure, but since that’s not gonna happen I have to find other ways to meet those needs and be okay with that. I looked up the GLOW festival and honestly it looks like mostly a girl thing with boutique type shopping, a light show, and a lot of walking around outside. Sort of like Miracle at Big Rock. At almost $21 a head for anyone over 12, that’s $100+ for your family just to get in the door, plus the gas to drive into the cities and the travel time back and forth. While I personally think it could be cool for the small vendors and stuff, my DH and 13 yo DD would have zero interest in attending something like that and it’s the exact kind of thing I’d have to either go alone or find a friend that wanted to tag along. There is also a sledding area (not real snow but it was on the commercial) that I thought the kids would think was fun. But otherwise it looks like mostly lights and food. You can also get a discount on Groupon. My main frustration (sadness may be a better word) is that I don’t feel like I have a partner. It’s not just about Christmas. |
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Post by creativegirl on Dec 22, 2023 18:00:57 GMT
Receiving gifts isn't my love language at all and gift purchasing stresses my husband out. It's taken me years to convince him that I truly don't care and he doesn't need to worry about it. He gets me the new Janet Evanovich book and a certain calendar I like every year and I usually hand him a couple other things I've picked up for myself (we have kids so it's nice for them to see that everyone gets something). My favorite gift is to go shopping together- he chauffeurs, holds my bags, pays, is good company, and takes me to lunch! Perfect for me.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 23, 2023 1:27:32 GMT
Is there a reason why your brothers can’t come to you to visit some years? Why is it all on you to make sure these connections happen? Relationships of all kinds are a two way street, and I would pretty quickly find myself feeling resentful if I was the only one making an effort even if it was between siblings. I understand that having everyone together at Christmas makes it a convenient time to knock out a lot of visits at once, but I will also say (as someone who comes from a big family myself) it can also make it a very chaotic, noisy and somewhat stressful time for someone who *doesn’t* come from that sort of environment and that perspective should be validated as well. Is your DH an introvert? When you do go there for Christmas, do you stay with family or in a hotel? If you are staying with family, perhaps your DH would be more agreeable to it if you stayed in a hotel so he could have a place to go to decompress that’s away from everyone. As for the other activities, I think sometimes we have to accept that our families just aren’t into the same things we are. You’re in an especially tough spot because with five guys in the house and no other females, I feel like you might need to find other ways to have those needs fulfilled. My DH and I have very different interests, most of which don’t overlap at all. Even my DD isn’t into many of the things I like to do. If I want to continue to do those things, I either have to go by myself or find a friend who also wants to do those things. For years and years, I would go with friends to scrapbook retreats, stamp conventions, crops, shopping, etc. He goes with his friends hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, ATVing, etc. Would I love it if he liked doing the same things I do? Sure, but since that’s not gonna happen I have to find other ways to meet those needs and be okay with that. I looked up the GLOW festival and honestly it looks like mostly a girl thing with boutique type shopping, a light show, and a lot of walking around outside. Sort of like Miracle at Big Rock. At almost $21 a head for anyone over 12, that’s $100+ for your family just to get in the door, plus the gas to drive into the cities and the travel time back and forth. While I personally think it could be cool for the small vendors and stuff, my DH and 13 yo DD would have zero interest in attending something like that and it’s the exact kind of thing I’d have to either go alone or find a friend that wanted to tag along. There is also a sledding area (not real snow but it was on the commercial) that I thought the kids would think was fun. But otherwise it looks like mostly lights and food. You can also get a discount on Groupon. My main frustration (sadness may be a better word) is that I don’t feel like I have a partner. It’s not just about Christmas. I’m sorry. That sucks. |
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Post by Merge on Dec 23, 2023 2:10:48 GMT
Just here to share that I went to Sephora today and bought myself a couple of goodies from “Santa.” Gifts are just not DH’s thing.
In fairness to him, though, if I was left to do the financial planning, we’d likely have no retirement savings and live in a cardboard box. There is a give and take with us and this time of year I have to remember that.
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Post by Judie in Oz on Dec 23, 2023 2:41:34 GMT
I read the article with tears running down my face. The SNL video hit the nail on the head. All of it is true, right down the no stocking bit. My DH's father passed away two years ago so we've taken over the family tradition of Christmas morning breakfast. It's a lot, but I know it means something to everyone coming. I still do all the work though. My two DSs are getting better at helping, but only one of them lives at home (boomerang kid). Food I can take care of. Cleaning I can't. Hopefully people will realise that I need help.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 23, 2023 16:13:41 GMT
I read the article with tears running down my face. The SNL video hit the nail on the head. All of it is true, right down the no stocking bit. My DH's father passed away two years ago so we've taken over the family tradition of Christmas morning breakfast. It's a lot, but I know it means something to everyone coming. I still do all the work though. My two DSs are getting better at helping, but only one of them lives at home (boomerang kid). Food I can take care of. Cleaning I can't. Hopefully people will realise that I need help. If you need help, PLEASE ask for it! Don’t wait for people to notice that you need help. Most people won’t notice unless you specifically ask. If all of that effort really means something to all of those people attending, they should also be willing to contribute in some way to the tradition continuing. |
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,641 
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Post by bethany102399 on Dec 23, 2023 21:10:58 GMT
If you need help, PLEASE ask for it! Don’t wait for people to notice that you need help. Most people won’t notice unless you specifically ask. If all of that effort really means something to all of those people attending, they should also be willing to contribute in some way to the tradition continuing. This bears repeating. ASK ask ask. |
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Post by Scrapper100 on Dec 23, 2023 21:22:33 GMT
If you need help, PLEASE ask for it! Don’t wait for people to notice that you need help. Most people won’t notice unless you specifically ask. If all of that effort really means something to all of those people attending, they should also be willing to contribute in some way to the tradition continuing. This bears repeating. ASK ask ask. I am bad at this but when I do depending on what it is hubby will step up. Sometimes he grumbles but not that often. Now some things may takes months or years but not holiday stuff. This year for my birthday I asked my husband to hang up some lights on our patio something I have been asking for years but he kept “forgetting”. I made a list and wow stuff got done. I love the lights more than I thought. Of course currently they are snowflake lights which will need to be swapped out but the hooks are in place so it should be easier. Ask for help they won’t notice you need help. I am bad at asking. |
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Post by alsomsknit on Dec 23, 2023 21:55:43 GMT
Best thing we ever did was seriously scale back the gifts. In addition, we all pitch in or it does not get done. I simply cannot do what I used to because the Fibro has progressed to almost crippling.
The new puppy was acquired with the understanding everyone had to pull their share. The Boy has been fabulous! He and I are creating a workable routine. DH is infuriating! He finally realized he had done absolutely nothing in the training of our last Lab. She was my Wild Child. How I miss her! Basically, I was outvoted in the kind of dog we were getting. Now we have a Lab who is basically Girlie on steroids.
Anyway, like crazy4scraps, I buy my own gifts. DH is required to wrap them. It’s the least he can do. He isn’t incompetent in buying gifts. I have seen how much thought and effort goes into his parents’ gifts. He simply could never be bothered to listen to or observe me. He sucks at gifts for The Boy, too. I know both of them quite well, so they get good, thoughtful gifts.
There is nothing for Dad under the tree this year. (Mom is gone.)
Guess who feels no guilt. At this point, I only contributed the suggestion that Dad is going to want turkey for Christmas dinner. Guess who is out right now thinking he is going to have a turkey ready to cook for Christmas? He didn’t learn a damn thing on Thanksgiving. Bought the turkey on Monday. Not thawed Thursday AM. Not thawed Saturday morning, but he cold water bathed the thing until it could be cooked. I was wrestling an 8 week old puppy.
Admittedly, I am beyond infuriated with him at present.
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