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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 15, 2024 19:42:54 GMT
And I'll add - 2peas is notorious - in my mind for saying it doesn't matter - so - if you're looking for support look no further
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Post by Gem Girl on Apr 15, 2024 19:45:51 GMT
My feeling is that you don't need to go to either, unless there are relatives who would benefit from the comfort of your attendance.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2024 19:47:17 GMT
I would not attend either of those funerals and I see no obligation on your part to do so.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Apr 15, 2024 19:47:43 GMT
Send a card and don't feel guilty about not attending.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Apr 15, 2024 19:49:54 GMT
I would not go to either of those funerals. I would send a card, and call it good
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Post by workingclassdog on Apr 15, 2024 19:50:19 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple I would respectively disagree... If my mom passed or sibling passed, if someone can't attend, they can't. Money, distance, etc. Doesn't matter. I understand life is difficult and I would hate to think that I would put some kind of guilt on anyone that couldn't go or didn't want to go. I couldn't attend my own grandmother's funeral years ago. I had no money, two small babies and it was a long car trip. While that one kill me personally, my mom, who is an angel, told me not to worry about it. She knew it would have been hard on me. And it has never been brought up or an issue. That is what family is supposed to be. Understanding.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2024 19:53:59 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple But she didn’t know either of the deceased. She hadn’t seen them in decades. They didn’t contact her when her own mother passed. I can’t imagine that anyone there would even know her and wouldn’t notice if she didn’t attend. I don’t see it as making an excuse, but rather saying, “I have no relationship with this person I haven’t seen in 30 years or their survivors.” To me, there’s little difference between that and attending the funeral of a random stranger. The only link here is a distant familial tie.
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Post by lisae on Apr 15, 2024 20:13:11 GMT
The one thing my family does really well is show up for funerals. However, almost no one flies to a funeral unless it is in their direct line such as a parent or grandparent, maybe a sibling. So that would be a definite no for me flying to a funeral for an aunt or uncle I barely knew. Send flowers or a donation to whatever charity they want family and friends to support.
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Post by katlady on Apr 15, 2024 20:26:48 GMT
I am a person who goes to funerals of family and friends. However, my mom's family is all 5-hours away by plane. I haven't been to a funeral for a family member in Hawaii, except for my grandmother. Even my mom has not gone back for a funeral except for her mother's. The family understands the distance and money involved to get there. So, to the OP, I would not feel guilty about not attending. I would send a card with condolences however.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 15, 2024 20:33:25 GMT
When I know someone alive who will be grieving the deceased person then I go. Even if I had never met the deceased.
In the OP case of I hadn’t seen the relative who’s deceased that would not factor into my decision, I’d try to go if I could for my cousins. But not if I could not afford the plane flight.
I have been to several funerals where I had not met the deceased but I knew their child or spouse
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,506
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Apr 15, 2024 21:09:08 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple And I'll add - 2peas is notorious - in my mind for saying it doesn't matter - so - if you're looking for support look no furhter You sure get angry when others won’t be guilted into something. You can tell someone sorry for their loss with a handwritten card or by sending flowers. You are way too high maintenance.
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Post by AussieMeg on Apr 15, 2024 22:00:42 GMT
In the circumstances you described, I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t feel guilty.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 15, 2024 22:02:09 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple And I'll add - 2peas is notorious - in my mind for saying it doesn't matter - so - if you're looking for support look no furhter You sure get angry when others won’t be guilted into something. You can tell someone sorry for their loss with a handwritten card or by sending flowers. You are way too high maintenance. The thing is that I personally do feel the guilt. I got a therapist after my father died -- I had a *lot* to work through, as I've posted on this board, but one thing that I dealt with at the time was that no one was at his funeral. It was my mother, my kids, and one aunt and her kid. I had to process that this aunt and her kid are the only people who have ever shown up for anything for my family, and at that, not consistently (they didn't come to my wedding, eg, but have come to my kids' bar and bat mitzvahs). I never had any family other than my parents at anything -- birthdays, holidays, graduations, awards, my wedding, and, apart from that aunt, events for my kids. I just don't have that family, and I barely know most of them -- I met my mother's father once before he died, and he lived a ten-minute drive from our house. Stuff like this still makes me feel really guilty, and it has been difficult to work through. I'm not sure why I feel so terrible about not showing up for people who have never shown up for me. My husband's family is different because they do get together for things, even if this one uncle's branch doesn't go.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2024 22:02:33 GMT
When I know someone alive who will be grieving the deceased person then I go. Even if I had never met the deceased. In the OP case of I hadn’t seen the relative who’s deceased that would not factor into my decision, I’d try to go if I could for my cousins. But not if I could not afford the plane flight. I have been to several funerals where I had not met the deceased but I knew their child or spouse I'm genuinely not trying to argumentative--but I am a curious soul! If she hasn't seen either of the deceased in over 30 years, would she even know the cousins? Or have seen them since she was a child? I could understand making the argument if the funeral was an hour or two away, but a plane ride, a car rental, and a hotel stay for complete strangers seems unwarranted. I completely agree that a funeral is for the grieving and I've also attended funerals when I only know the grieving person. But in this case it really sounds like there hasn't been any contact with the family in 30 years. It sounds like if the OP went, it would be to fulfill a family obligation with no meaning to either her or the family other than to say, "Nice of you to come." Again, I'm not trying to say that you are wrong or argue. I'm just trying to understand this viewpoint.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2024 22:06:29 GMT
You sure get angry when others won’t be guilted into something. You can tell someone sorry for their loss with a handwritten card or by sending flowers. You are way too high maintenance. The thing is that I personally do feel the guilt. I got a therapist after my father died -- I had a *lot* to work through, as I've posted on this board, but one thing that I dealt with at the time was that no one was at his funeral. It was my mother, my kids, and one aunt and her kid. I had to process that this aunt and her kid are the only people who have ever shown up for anything for my family, and at that, not consistently (they didn't come to my wedding, eg, but have come to my kids' bar and bat mitzvahs). I never had any family other than my parents at anything -- birthdays, holidays, graduations, awards, my wedding, and, apart from that aunt, events for my kids. I just don't have that family, and I barely know most of them -- I met my mother's father once before he died, and he lived a ten-minute drive from our house. Stuff like this still makes me feel really guilty, and it has been difficult to work through. I'm not sure why I feel so terrible about not showing up for people who have never shown up for me. My husband's family is different because they do get together for things, even if this one uncle's branch doesn't go. If you WANT to go, that's completely different. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. Would you be going to raise the number of attendees? Would you be interested in going to pursue a relationship with that part of the family? Or maybe you are grieving what now can never be? And I should have included a prayer for the departed. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May their souls and all the souls of the faithful departed Rest In Peace.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 15, 2024 22:12:27 GMT
The thing is that I personally do feel the guilt. I got a therapist after my father died -- I had a *lot* to work through, as I've posted on this board, but one thing that I dealt with at the time was that no one was at his funeral. It was my mother, my kids, and one aunt and her kid. I had to process that this aunt and her kid are the only people who have ever shown up for anything for my family, and at that, not consistently (they didn't come to my wedding, eg, but have come to my kids' bar and bat mitzvahs). I never had any family other than my parents at anything -- birthdays, holidays, graduations, awards, my wedding, and, apart from that aunt, events for my kids. I just don't have that family, and I barely know most of them -- I met my mother's father once before he died, and he lived a ten-minute drive from our house. Stuff like this still makes me feel really guilty, and it has been difficult to work through. I'm not sure why I feel so terrible about not showing up for people who have never shown up for me. My husband's family is different because they do get together for things, even if this one uncle's branch doesn't go. If you WANT to go, that's completely different. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. Would you be going to raise the number of attendees? Would you be interested in going to pursue a relationship with that part of the family? Oh, I don't want to go to either. I won't know anyone at my aunt's funeral, and logistically I couldn't go to my husband's uncle's funeral if I wanted to (someone has to stay with the kids) -- I told him he could do what he wanted, and he doesn't want to go (as the day has been going on a lot of drama has arisen because his live-in girlfriend who doesn't speak to his family has locked his children out of the house and won't let them access his papers, so who knows what is going to happen now). Just both of us are carrying a lot of guilt about it.
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 7,861
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Apr 15, 2024 22:18:20 GMT
Just based on the OP, I would not attend, but might send flowers or something if I felt the need.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 15, 2024 22:20:17 GMT
When I know someone alive who will be grieving the deceased person then I go. Even if I had never met the deceased. In the OP case of I hadn’t seen the relative who’s deceased that would not factor into my decision, I’d try to go if I could for my cousins. But not if I could not afford the plane flight. I have been to several funerals where I had not met the deceased but I knew their child or spouse I'm genuinely not trying to argumentative--but I am a curious soul! If she hasn't seen either of the deceased in over 30 years, would she even know the cousins? Or have seen them since she was a child? I could understand making the argument if the funeral was an hour or two away, but a plane ride, a car rental, and a hotel stay for complete strangers seems unwarranted. I completely agree that a funeral is for the grieving and I've also attended funerals when I only know the grieving person. But in this case it really sounds like there hasn't been any contact with the family in 30 years. It sounds like if the OP went, it would be to fulfill a family obligation with no meaning to either her or the family other than to say, "Nice of you to come." Again, I'm not trying to say that you are wrong or argue. I'm just trying to understand this viewpoint. I saw my cousins more than my aunt - they lived closer & were closer in age. IMO - If you don’t know the grieving then no need to go even if you did know the deceased. Funerals are a personal issue and basically a do what you feel you need to do.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 15, 2024 22:24:45 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple But she didn’t know either of the deceased. She hadn’t seen them in decades. They didn’t contact her when her own mother passed. I can’t imagine that anyone there would even know her and wouldn’t notice if she didn’t attend. I don’t see it as making an excuse, but rather saying, “I have no relationship with this person I haven’t seen in 30 years or their survivors.” To me, there’s little difference between that and attending the funeral of a random stranger. The only link here is a distant familial tie. 1000% this. I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it either. I would send a nice card and if I felt so inclined I would make a donation to a charity of the family’s choice and call it a day. I go to funerals when I know the survivors and know that my presence will be a comfort to them, but in this case you don’t really know or have an ongoing relationship with those people so quite honestly they really won’t miss you. If you were local and attending wouldn’t mean a flight and a hotel stay I might feel differently, but even in that situation I would personally be looking for an excuse to stay home if I didn’t really know the survivors very well. I have a ton of first cousins that are all local. They are all way older than me and since I didn’t grow up with them I couldn’t pick any of them out of a crowd of two. If someone in their life passed away I can guarantee they wouldn’t miss me if I didn’t go to their loved one’s funeral. In all honesty, I doubt I would even be notified that the person even died because I’m estranged from my two oldest siblings who would be the most likely to know. My mom has been gone for over a decade now and looking back I couldn’t tell you who was there and who wasn’t. It wasn’t that people weren’t thoughtful or caring, it was just such an overwhelming time.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,595
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 15, 2024 22:29:57 GMT
But she didn’t know either of the deceased. She hadn’t seen them in decades. They didn’t contact her when her own mother passed. I can’t imagine that anyone there would even know her and wouldn’t notice if she didn’t attend. I don’t see it as making an excuse, but rather saying, “I have no relationship with this person I haven’t seen in 30 years or their survivors.” To me, there’s little difference between that and attending the funeral of a random stranger. The only link here is a distant familial tie. 1000% this. I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it either. I would send a nice card and if I felt so inclined I would make a donation to a charity of the family’s choice and call it a day. I go to funerals when I know the survivors and know that my presence will be a comfort to them, but in this case you don’t really know or have an ongoing relationship with those people so quite honestly they really won’t miss you. If you were local and attending wouldn’t mean a flight and a hotel stay I might feel differently, but even in that situation I would personally be looking for an excuse to stay home if I didn’t really know the survivors very well. I have a ton of first cousins that are all local. They are all way older than me and since I didn’t grow up with them I couldn’t pick any of them out of a crowd of two. If someone in their life passed away I can guarantee they wouldn’t miss me if I didn’t go to their loved one’s funeral. In all honesty, I doubt I would even be notified that the person even died because I’m estranged from my two oldest siblings who would be the most likely to know. My mom has been gone for over a decade now and looking back I couldn’t tell you who was there and who wasn’t. It wasn’t that people weren’t thoughtful or caring, it was just such an overwhelming time.HUGE ditto. I was appreciative of those who came, but don't even think twice about those who didn't. I don't keep score that way.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,825
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Apr 15, 2024 22:43:24 GMT
Add me to the list of........don't go. Send a couple of cards. If you'd like send flowers too or even a meal for each family once the funeral is over.
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Post by quinlove on Apr 15, 2024 22:57:29 GMT
In this situation, I would send flowers. They are always well received.
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Gennifer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,991
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Apr 15, 2024 23:00:30 GMT
The only reason I would go to either of these funerals would be to support my parent or parent-in-law, whose sibling just died, or if I was close to my cousin that just lost their parent.
The last funeral I went to was for my sister-in-law’s dad. It wasn’t because I was close to him, as we had only spoken a handful of times, but I am close to her, and I wanted her to feel as loved and supported as possible in such a difficult time.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,864
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 15, 2024 23:27:29 GMT
Whether I go depends on my relationship to the person who passed away. Immediate family and we will be there. We have to fly out and the airfare will be high on short notice, but we want to be there for immediate family. The one time I couldn't, it really made the death so much worse. My brother passed away in the middle of COVID lockdown. At the time Los Angeles County was requiring people to stay in quarantine when they arrived from out of town flights. I could not go to the funeral and it was so hard to not be there. Sure, we could have broke the rules and gone. But I would not have been able to live with myself if we flew out, ended up testing positive and spread COVID to someone. So we did the right thing and did not fly out for the funeral, even though it broke my heart to be away.
For someone that you aren't close to, I would not fly out for that. Don't feel bad. If you want to, send flowers and your condolences.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,052
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Apr 15, 2024 23:27:37 GMT
You have zero relationship with either nor their family members who you might be inclined to support. There is no way I'd feel guilt in this situation. Send a card/flowers to express your condolences.
In general my thoughts are that I go for people/family that I have a relationship with or if I want to support their family member. For example I have been to funerals of a close colleague where I didn't know the deceased but wanted to show my support for my friend. Some aunts/uncles I would fly to the funeral, others I wouldn't because I have no relationship with them or the people they leave behind.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2024 23:52:01 GMT
If you WANT to go, that's completely different. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. Would you be going to raise the number of attendees? Would you be interested in going to pursue a relationship with that part of the family? Oh, I don't want to go to either. I won't know anyone at my aunt's funeral, and logistically I couldn't go to my husband's uncle's funeral if I wanted to (someone has to stay with the kids) -- I told him he could do what he wanted, and he doesn't want to go (as the day has been going on a lot of drama has arisen because his live-in girlfriend who doesn't speak to his family has locked his children out of the house and won't let them access his papers, so who knows what is going to happen now). Just both of us are carrying a lot of guilt about it. It’s easy for us to say that we wouldn’t feel guilty and that you shouldn’t either. Your feelings are valid and you need take the best decision for you. But both things can be true—you can feel like you should go but the large expense and juggling of other obligations can be a reasonable excuse. That it’s your extended family but that they won’t expect you there. I wish you peace with whichever decision that you make.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,172
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Apr 16, 2024 0:47:46 GMT
It sounds like these cousins wouldn’t know you anyway. I agree with the condolence cards.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Apr 16, 2024 1:38:16 GMT
I have only seen my aunt once in my adult life, and saw her maybe twice as a child; we've seen my husband's uncle maybe two or three times since we married in the 90s. Neither of us had any relationship with either the aunt or the uncle, and they didn't, eg, come to our kids' bar/bat mitzvahs or anything like that, and when we've had other family gatherings (milestone birthdays and anniversaries for other relatives, for example), neither of them attended (my aunt, in fact, did not come to my wedding). I think that's your answer. You didn't have a relationship. Send flowers and a nice note. I agree. I wouldn't feel even a bit guilty.
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Posts: 2,796
Jun 26, 2014 17:25:06 GMT
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Post by TXMary on Apr 16, 2024 2:36:40 GMT
I wouldn’t feel obligated to attend either of those funerals. I would send flowers and my condolences. I'm not sure I would attend even if they were local but no way would I fly somewhere to attend if I had no relationship with any of them.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 16, 2024 14:14:38 GMT
You sure get angry when others won’t be guilted into something. You can tell someone sorry for their loss with a handwritten card or by sending flowers. You are way too high maintenance. The thing is that I personally do feel the guilt. I got a therapist after my father died -- I had a *lot* to work through, as I've posted on this board, but one thing that I dealt with at the time was that no one was at his funeral. It was my mother, my kids, and one aunt and her kid. I had to process that this aunt and her kid are the only people who have ever shown up for anything for my family, and at that, not consistently (they didn't come to my wedding, eg, but have come to my kids' bar and bat mitzvahs). I never had any family other than my parents at anything -- birthdays, holidays, graduations, awards, my wedding, and, apart from that aunt, events for my kids. I just don't have that family, and I barely know most of them -- I met my mother's father once before he died, and he lived a ten-minute drive from our house. Stuff like this still makes me feel really guilty, and it has been difficult to work through. I'm not sure why I feel so terrible about not showing up for people who have never shown up for me. My husband's family is different because they do get together for things, even if this one uncle's branch doesn't go. If you feel the guilt, why not just go? I understand sometimes logistically people just can't, but that doesn't sound like the case here. If I can I go. I've also been to that funeral with 7 people attending - it's stuck with me which is why I go.
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