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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 16, 2024 15:29:51 GMT
You sure get angry when others won’t be guilted into something. You can tell someone sorry for their loss with a handwritten card or by sending flowers. You are way too high maintenance. The thing is that I personally do feel the guilt. I got a therapist after my father died -- I had a *lot* to work through, as I've posted on this board, but one thing that I dealt with at the time was that no one was at his funeral. It was my mother, my kids, and one aunt and her kid. I had to process that this aunt and her kid are the only people who have ever shown up for anything for my family, and at that, not consistently (they didn't come to my wedding, eg, but have come to my kids' bar and bat mitzvahs). I never had any family other than my parents at anything -- birthdays, holidays, graduations, awards, my wedding, and, apart from that aunt, events for my kids. I just don't have that family, and I barely know most of them -- I met my mother's father once before he died, and he lived a ten-minute drive from our house. Stuff like this still makes me feel really guilty, and it has been difficult to work through. I'm not sure why I feel so terrible about not showing up for people who have never shown up for me. My husband's family is different because they do get together for things, even if this one uncle's branch doesn't go. After reading this, my question is why didn’t anyone show up for your dad’s funeral? I think there are a lot of factors at play with something like this and it’s not necessarily a reflection on your dad or even your family. Distance is a factor. Timing is a huge factor. The age of the person who passed is another factor. There will definitely be a lot more people at the funeral of a younger person than there will be at the funeral of someone who was a hundred simply because a lot of the older person’s family and peers will have already passed. These are all things the surviving family members should expect. I think you’re putting a pretty heavy burden of guilt on yourself that your cousin most likely wouldn’t do if the situation was reversed.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Apr 16, 2024 16:16:27 GMT
I think it varies. I have had four aunts/uncles pass and I've only been to one of the funerals. Two were out of state at a time we absolutely could not afford to travel and I don't get funeral leave for aunts and uncles. In one of those cases I had next to no relationship with the person. I would have gone to the other if I could have traveled. Another I would 100% have gone to as it was local but we were on vacation at the time of their unexpected passing.
I do have an aunt who is out of state and very elderly. When that time comes I will do my best to attend her funeral. A) because I am closer with her than the others so far and B) I can now afford unexpected travel costs.
I think people need to understand that not everyone can get the time off, afford travel costs etc. And not everyone cares who attends. If you were close to the person who died and/or are close to their immediate family, then go if possible. If not a card should suffice.
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huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,981
Jun 25, 2014 20:22:13 GMT
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Post by huskergal on Apr 16, 2024 17:09:08 GMT
Like others have said, I go to funerals for 2 reasons, either I was close to the deceased or I am close to the deceased family members. I would not go to either one of these funerals. I would send a card and contribute to the memorial or send flowers.
For me, it is very difficult to get days off for funerals. We have a list of approved relationships that warrant a bereavement day, otherwise I have to lie to get the time off. I will go to local evening visitations instead of funerals if that works out. When my mom died, more people came to the visitation than the funeral. I liked that because I was able to talk to so many people. I have never gone to a funeral where I had to fly. If it were someone I was close to, I would go. In your situation, I wouldn't.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 16, 2024 17:50:50 GMT
I had 16 aunts and uncles. There is only one for which I would have flown to a funeral. Sadly, they had a small, immediate family service only, so I didn't get to do that.
Local funerals I went to, if I could.
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