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Post by epeanymous on Apr 15, 2024 17:25:11 GMT
How's this for a guilt-driven question?
My husband's uncle passed away last night and the funeral is on Wednesday, a six-hour flight from here. My aunt passed away in November, and her funeral is this weekend (I'm not sure why there was the delay), a two-hour flight from here. Both of us are disinclined to go to the funerals, but/and we are feeling guilty. I have only seen my aunt once in my adult life, and saw her maybe twice as a child; we've seen my husband's uncle maybe two or three times since we married in the 90s. Neither of us had any relationship with either the aunt or the uncle, and they didn't, eg, come to our kids' bar/bat mitzvahs or anything like that, and when we've had other family gatherings (milestone birthdays and anniversaries for other relatives, for example), neither of them attended (my aunt, in fact, did not come to my wedding).
No hostility, but neither one of us really feels like going to either funeral, and both would be major logistical hassles. At the same time, I'm sitting here feeling like a bad relative for not going. So that is the thread -- is it terrible not to attend? We've both gone to family funerals where the relatives were in our lives in some capacity.
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Post by summer on Apr 15, 2024 17:29:34 GMT
I have never flown to a funeral. I have 2 funerals this week to attend, both are local. I had a family destination wedding this weekend that I did not attend. If events require me to fly to attend I feel no guilt in declining.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 15, 2024 17:30:26 GMT
Send heartfelt notes in nice cards and stay home!
ETA: THIS was directed at the specific situation above.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 15, 2024 17:32:31 GMT
It is based on my relationship to the deceased and/or the survivors as well as if it would be a hardship on our family. We do not get bereavement time for aunts and uncles and spending money on a last minute flight would not be appropriate for me in the circumstances you described.
There were several people who would have made the 9 hour drive for FILs funeral if we had been able to hold it Friday/Saturday. When we weren't, those people were unable to attend and we understood. They saw FIL at least once a year, usually more before he became ill, so still not your circumstances
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,753
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 15, 2024 17:33:30 GMT
No, you should not feel guilty for not going. Flights to get there are a big ask and I would hope the families would know that.
Sending a card would be just fine.
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,421 
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Apr 15, 2024 17:34:32 GMT
I wouldn't fly to either of those. I wouldn't fault you if you didn't even want to go locally, you weren't close to them.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Apr 15, 2024 17:34:47 GMT
I always look at funerals as who I’m there to support, rather than my relationship with the deceased. Most funerals I’ve attended have been for people I’ve never met or had limited interaction with, but I’ve been invited because of my friend or family member who I felt needed or wanted me to be there. So if you have a family member there who needs some help, support, companionship, then maybe it’s worth going. I don’t believe people should go just out of obligation.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 15, 2024 17:36:48 GMT
Separate from the above, if you (anyone) have friends who have lost a parent or anyone very close to them, please try to show up for them.
We had 4 friends show up for us specifically. DS had 5 or 6. (This was for the visitation, not the funeral- I wouldn't have expected anyone to take off work for it).
We have gone to plenty of funerals for our friends' parents, so it was a bit hurtful not to even hear from many of them.
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Apr 15, 2024 17:38:22 GMT
Here is my take...
You can show your support to fellow family through a phone call and cards.
You can send a gift card for them to grab a meal if needed while they handle business.
If you are ever in the area you can stop by the grave to visit.
It is your choice to go or not. Relationship between the two, distance, life and so ma y other reasons can help one decide to go or not. And not attending doesn't mean you don't care so don't let guilt get in the way.
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Post by monklady123 on Apr 15, 2024 17:38:58 GMT
I wouldn't go to either of those. The need for airline tickets would push me over the edge if I was undecided. I might go to either of the if it was a short drive, but no flying.
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leeny
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Apr 15, 2024 17:41:18 GMT
Send heartfelt notes in nice cards and stay home! This. Unless I was super close to the person as in saw them all the time and they were local, I would not go. |
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Post by papersilly on Apr 15, 2024 17:41:24 GMT
given the circumstances under which you saw them in your lifetime, i wouldn't feel bad about not going. i would send a card and flowers but i wouldn't make the trip.
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Post by grammadee on Apr 15, 2024 17:46:25 GMT
In funeral situations, I judge whether my being there is a help to those grieving. If I am one of those grieving and attendance would help me or dh, then by all means I would go to the funeral. I cut a cruise short by ten days and flew home to attend my brother's funeral. I needed to be there.
For aunts and uncles, will your (or your dh's) parents be there? Will they need your support? Are you close to the cousins? Would your presence be a comfort?
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Post by bunnyhug on Apr 15, 2024 18:01:25 GMT
I know that when I have gone to funerals of not-close relatives, I probably felt worse being there than if I had stayed away--felt like I was faking a level of mourning and/or connection that I didn't feel, if that makes sense?
Of course, I'm the "city kid" not the "stayed in the small hometown after childhood kid" in my family ... if I had made my life around where the extended family lived, I'm sure there would have been more interactions, and I know that in my in-laws small town of 500 people, funerals for a resident are pretty much compulsory attendance--whether as a congregation/audience participant or as one of the folks organizing and serving the lunch at the hall afterwards. Funerals are a social event.
In your case, I would have no qualms about not attending. I'd send flowers to the family and call it good.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 15, 2024 18:09:20 GMT
In funeral situations, I judge whether my being there is a help to those grieving. If I am one of those grieving and attendance would help me or dh, then by all means I would go to the funeral. I cut a cruise short by ten days and flew home to attend my brother's funeral. I needed to be there. For aunts and uncles, will your (or your dh's) parents be there? Will they need your support? Are you close to the cousins? Would your presence be a comfort? I don't know my cousins -- I have seen them less than I saw my aunt. My mother is skipping the funeral because she got into a screaming match with one of her sisters at the last one (which, incidentally, was part of why if she were going, I wasn't going to go -- she picks a fight with someone at every family event, and I don't want to be part of creating drama). My husband doesn't know his cousins well (they are about 15 years younger than he is). If he ends up going, it will be to support his mother; he was just there two weeks ago, is I think part of the issue for him, and already missed a bunch of work for that (I had posted about it at the time -- his mother's dementia had kicked up and at the time it looked like his parents needed a lot more care and/or assisted living, but his parents have decided she is fine and fired the new help). |
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 15, 2024 18:10:59 GMT
Separate from the above, if you (anyone) have friends who have lost a parent or anyone very close to them, please try to show up for them. We had 4 friends show up for us specifically. DS had 5 or 6. (This was for the visitation, not the funeral- I wouldn't have expected anyone to take off work for it). We have gone to plenty of funerals for our friends' parents, so it was a bit hurtful not to even hear from many of them. My father died two years ago this month. I didn't hear from either of these relatives when it happened. I didn't put that in the initial post because that's not a major motivation here and it's not retaliatory -- it's more just indicative of our complete lack of relationship. |
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milocat
Drama Llama
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Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Apr 15, 2024 18:15:01 GMT
I know that when I have gone to funerals of not-close relatives, I probably felt worse being there than if I had stayed away--felt like I was faking a level of mourning and/or connection that I didn't feel, if that makes sense? Of course, I'm the "city kid" not the "stayed in the small hometown after childhood kid" in my family ... if I had made my life around where the extended family lived, I'm sure there would have been more interactions, and I know that in my in-laws small town of 500 people, funerals for a resident are pretty much compulsory attendance--whether as a congregation/audience participant or as one of the folks organizing and serving the lunch at the hall afterwards. Funerals are a social event. In your case, I would have no qualms about not attending. I'd send flowers to the family and call it good. Yes, I agree that the older genertion in a small town of 500 people here too, is compulsory attendance. I once saw an older person at the store and he said I didn't see you at the funeral today. (Me thinking  ??) Oh, who's funeral was it I said. He says Jane Smith. Me, I didn’t know her. He replies sure, you're related. (No, my great aunt married a Smith, I know them and their kids not the whole Smith family). Many go for an outing, lunch and visiting after. If you're in your 60s and worked with someone when you were in your 20s they think you should go. If your grandkid and their great grandkid play on the same team they think you should go. Pretty much go to everyone's. I say go if you want, if you were close to the deceased or a member of their family. |
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Post by Linda on Apr 15, 2024 18:15:25 GMT
In those circumstances? I wouldn't attend tbh
In general? I attend local funerals and/or visitations for people I know and people whose immediate family I know even if I didn't know the deceased. I feel that it is a comfort for grieving loved ones to have people show up.
I don't travel for funerals in general. DH and I drove two days each way to go to my mum's but we didn't take the two teens (13 and 19) - they weren't especially close to my mum and missing a week of school/college each wouldn't have been a good idea. We weren't expecting our son (in the Navy) to attend but he surprised us by arranging bereavement leave (only a one day drive each way for him). He did not travel back from Japan to attend his other grandmother's funeral - and no one expected him to.
I do send sympathy cards and try to personalise them with a memory of the person (either my own memory or something along the lines of I remember you telling me how ....).
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Post by smasonnc on Apr 15, 2024 18:15:55 GMT
I have only seen my aunt once in my adult life, and saw her maybe twice as a child; we've seen my husband's uncle maybe two or three times since we married in the 90s. Neither of us had any relationship with either the aunt or the uncle, and they didn't, eg, come to our kids' bar/bat mitzvahs or anything like that, and when we've had other family gatherings (milestone birthdays and anniversaries for other relatives, for example), neither of them attended (my aunt, in fact, did not come to my wedding). I think that's your answer. You didn't have a relationship. Send flowers and a nice note. |
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Post by cmpeter on Apr 15, 2024 18:37:58 GMT
I wouldn’t go given your relationships. I would send a note and/or flowers.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 15, 2024 18:47:05 GMT
Here: I absolve you of any guilt or responsibility of attending virtual strangers' funerals.
I didn't go to the funeral of an aunt I loved dearly because I knew her kids wouldn't be wearing masks or taking covid protocols (this was in 2020). And I didn't feel a bit guilty.
You're a nice person - send flowers and don't give it another thought.
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Post by lurker on Apr 15, 2024 18:47:41 GMT
when do you go to funerals? When I can't think of an excuse not to go. But seriously, given you had no relationship with either deceased, surely no one would expect your attendance. I would make a donation to the charity selected by family and send a personal note.
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3boysnme
Full Member
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Aug 1, 2023 13:28:26 GMT
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Post by 3boysnme on Apr 15, 2024 18:48:26 GMT
As a child, I was dragged to every funeral in the community, whether I knew them or not. As an adult, I only attend funerals of those who I am close to. I do not even want one for myself! I would not go to either of the examples you've given and would not feel any guilt. If you want to do something, send flowers or donate to a cause of their choosing.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 15, 2024 19:02:18 GMT
I wouldn't go to either of them. I would send flowers and a card. One of my cousins also sent me a card a few months later close to my mom's birthday to let me know she was thinking of me. Nice gestures. I don't fault anyone for not attending a funeral they really don't want to go to.
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Post by gar on Apr 15, 2024 19:02:31 GMT
We would not be attending either of those events.
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Post by Prenticekid on Apr 15, 2024 19:03:46 GMT
I wouldn't go to either of those funerals. I go to close family, and I go to those of family members of close friends as support to the friends. They seemed to appreciate it more than any family member. Not that that's the test. Just why I go.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Apr 15, 2024 19:24:47 GMT
I would send a nice card and donate to any charity they might have in the obituary. Often, instead of flowers they ask for a donation to a specific charity. Is your husband’s brother planning on going to the funeral?
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Post by workingclassdog on Apr 15, 2024 19:36:28 GMT
Nope I wouldn't feel guilty. I haven't gone to any of my aunt/uncles/relatives funerals for various reasons. Most of them about probably about an 8 to 10 hour drive. I wouldn't be able to take more than one day of funeral time at work for aunt/uncle. I send a card and carry on. Same for DH side of family.
Edited to add:
I do attend if close by for friends or relatives (although other than my immediate family there are no close relatives)...
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Post by Tearisci on Apr 15, 2024 19:37:28 GMT
I wouldn't go in those circumstances. I might not even go to family that I am close to but are a plane flight away. It would really depend on the circumstances.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 15, 2024 19:40:56 GMT
I go - period full stop - you can make 100000 excuses on why you don't need to and people will say say it's fine. And it's fine - really if that's what you're looking for it's fine. I cared - that's not what people want to hear. I CARED who showed up. If that matters to you - do it - if doesn't don't - but don't ever ask why they think I don't care. It's never about who died- it's about who's living and whether you care to tell them I'm sorry for your loss - it's just that simple
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