Having a set schedule for sex

I don't think this should be seen as abnormal. I agree with what Emily Nagoski writes in her book Come Together on this. In long term marriages if you are waiting for lightning to strike both of you at the same time with little to no effort put in to relax you into the mood then you are actually probably having less sex than people who make an honest effort.

She also makes a very good argument in the way of: weren't you "scheduling" sex when you were dating? I mean you went into a Saturday night with a date planned that you shaved your legs for. Was that less sexy? Truth is, most of us in long term relationships would say it actually was hotter.

I chose no, that it would ruin it. But it’s not so much that it would ruin it, more that it wouldn’t ever happen. With my physical issues and both of our mental and hormonal issues we just have to get it while the getting is good. A schedule wouldn’t work at all. And I don’t k ow of anyone that has it on a schedule, but there are very few people that I discuss personal sex with so that’s not surprising. Sex as a concept? Preferences? Sure? But specifics about our sex lives? Next to none. 

Well Emily Nagoski is a sex researcher. She has access to a lot of not just heterosexual couples. I can't see the poll because I'm on my phone but I'm quite concerned about the same thing she is. That telling people spontaneous sex is better than planned intimacy is a reinforcement of shame. Her motive is to improve sexual intimacy.

We sometimes plan, because our schedules are crazy and I travel a lot, so we just want to be sure to set aside time. And the anticipation can be extra fun, especially when one of us is coming home from a trip. But that doesn't mean it's never spontaneous. More often than not, it is. I think couples should do whatever works for them, but for me, personally - I see benefits in scheduling but can't imagine saying "nope, not tonight, it's not on the calendar." In my world, it's a "tool" for more sex, not less.

ETA: for what it's worth, we started scheduling a loooong time ago, when DS was young, and DH worked most evenings, and I worked days... and if we didn't schedule then, it wouldn't happen because our sleep schedules weren't in sync, etc. And then as life has changed, how we used scheduling changed. 

I'm in total agreement with jeremysgirl that there shouldn't be a stigma to scheduling - spontaneous isn't de facto better. What matters is a couple and each individual getting what they want out of their sex lives, not how they ensure that happens. 

"but can't imagine saying "nope, not tonight, it's not on the calendar." In my world, it's a "tool" for more sex, not less."

I don't really know why that feels different to me than saying no if one of us is in the mood and the other isn't, which definitely happens. But it would, to me. Again, every couple gets to set their own norms so I really couldn't care less if someone thinks our choices are weird and I'm not judging anyone else's choices. Just commenting on what does or doesn't resonate with me.

Yes. And it hurt way back when.

My counselor had dh and I schedule it when the kids were younger and ds was very ill.

I had so much going on on top of continually being needed and being touched all day pretty much by ds (he had extremely bad Colic to where I had to wear him and then due to sensory needs and Autism I was his and dd's safe space) so I wanted nothing to do with sex.

Scheduling it on the weekend when dh was here to help and I could get a break helped.

And it wasn't just sexual intercourse at first.

It was a gradual step.

Snuggle and talk for a few weeks.

Snuggle and kiss.

Snuggle, kiss, fondle

Etc etc etc

This helped me ease into intimacy and being vulnerable with my overworked body.

Sex is a 2 way street and both parties need to be respected and if that takes scheduled days, cool. Do what makes your marriage happy and you both happy

I had a coworker who had a husband who kept a calendar in the bedroom. He kept red heart stickers next to it and she was expected to put three heart stickers on the calendar per week. He held her to that schedule. He said she got to pick the nights and he got to pick how often.

I had another coworker who said they always went grocery shopping Thursdays. After they came home they were in the mood. And then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday because it was the weekend. But never on Tuesdays.


Couples should do what works for them.

We do more of when it is convenient as apposed to spontaneity.  With an 18 year old at home often, we have to pick the times when she is not around.  Our house is too small now that she older.
And we often spend time in the basement.  

We haven't scheduled sex but I did put "Make out Session" on the calendar every night at 9 with an alarm for 3 weeks. I realized that we weren't "making out" & touching like we used to. Life & being tired & stressed and pain (mine) gets in the way. Say a huge difference it made in our relationship. More talking, touching and just being together. Now when either one of us feels distant or out of sorts, we schedule a make out session. And bonus, it often led to great sex.

I never really thought about it, except for once when we decided to try to have sex every night for a month, which was fun, but really tiring at that point in our lives, and so we didn't actually make it happen 30 nights in a row. But we did have more sex in those 30 days than we would have had otherwise, no doubt about that. And with that in mind, I could definitely see how for some people a schedule means more sex than they might have otherwise.

Basically, I figure if people having sex together are happy with the "when"s & "how"s, then it's great, no matter if those same "when"s & "how"s would work for me or not.

And I definitely agree that in a way dating or date nights are a lot like scheduling it, or at least setting up a favorable environment.

If you've gone out for a nice meal & some activity you both enjoy, and you come home and already have things all settled at home ahead of time, (had a babysitter who put any young kids to bed), then you've arranged an encouraging framework by giving yourselves an opportunity where nothing is screaming for your time and your attention is already on your partner.

Now, on the flip side, I agree that rigidly sticking to a schedule to the point of opting out on any other night based only on the schedule could certainly be an issue, but I also think that's more of a personality issue than a "scheduled sex" issue. In other words, anyone can take what could be a helpful tool and cause harm with it instead.

So yeah, long story short, if scheduling intimate time together increases your intimacy at any given time in your lives, then why not?
It's not like anyone is forcing everyone to try it.

It reminds me of the sleeping in separate beds/bedroom discussions. There are always those who act as if couples who opt not to sleep together are headed for ruin or something. If it works for you, it works, and that's good! We all want the important things in our lives to work well for us. If it's not for you, then don't do it. Easy peasy.

it’s amazing that your coworker would share those details…

Lexica I'm trying to share what I learned from the book on long term marriage. I'm not trying to pick on anyone. I picked up her book specifically because I am interested in hearing from an expert on these things because I'm open to change if something is to our benefit.

I read your post combined with your poll (2 options with a preference for and explanation of spontaneous sex with no similar reference to not enjoying spontaneous sex at all) I sensed bias and criticism. It did not read clear to me that you were only talking about in the case where a schedule is so strict and communication is so lacking that the marriage probably isn't good, the sex is the least of their worries.

I don't have a problem with anything you said BTW. You weren't rude. You're entitled to your opinion just as much as anyone else is. Maybe I have misunderstood but that's how all of this read to me.

Having recently read that book, I thought it was very well done, I walked away thinking differently about some things, and I think if you are interested in this topic, you might enjoy it. Anyone in a long term marriage might benefit.

All in all I think this was a good topic of discussion. I apologize if I came across critical. I did not mean to. I have a real habit of getting excited to talk about topics I've read about because I don't often get that in my real life. Peas seem so much more open to a lot of good discussions.

The poor dear probably needed to share with someone. It certainly wasn't her disgusting husband she could turn to.
Blecchh