Have we, as a society, lost our balance?

There’s so much to unpack in the OP. I do think privilege plays a part, probably a big part, with being able to try to have some balance. And because there is such a disparity with society as a whole there will be those who have it and many who don’t.

DH and I have been self employed for close to 30 years now, both individually and together. In the early years when we were both working retail we didn’t just burn the candle at both ends, we threw the whole damn candle into the fire. It’s not an exaggeration to say we were each probably working close to 70 hours a week at our individual businesses. It was exhausting, unfulfilling, very unbalanced and miserable. I thank God every day that we didn’t have our kid during that time, because that lifestyle isn’t conducive to having a healthy family life and raising a well adjusted kid. Some people don’t have the option to back off of certain things that would give their life more balance.

Since then we have both shifted gears, made changes and some sacrifices, plus we’ve been extremely lucky. By the time we had our kid (which was in our early 40’s), we were finally at a place financially where we could do things differently. I’ve been lucky to be able to work from home since before my kid was born. I’ve been able to be available for her all throughout her life. I had the time to be able to help out my mom in her final years. DH has been lucky too, that he was able to opt into a lucrative field where he can basically set his own hours, take a vacation when he wants, and work down time into his schedule to do the things he enjoys. Last summer he basically took every Friday off and we could spend those long weekends together at the lake as a family. DH prioritizes time with our family which isn’t something many of his peers do. He sees all these guys chasing around town at 5:00, 6:00, 7:00 pm still working, and he’s like, “Don’t you spend any time with your wife and kids?”

I’m very good at what I do and I could spend endless hours working but I don’t want to. I want to be present in my kid’s life which is something I am able to do only because we don’t need that second full time paycheck, and I realize how lucky I am to have that option. I’ve been lucky to have a supportive spouse who makes sure I have opportunities to pursue my own interests.

As for our kid, we see a lot of families who have scheduled most of their child(ren)’s waking hours with sports, clubs, camps, scouts, you name it. We made the conscious decision early on not to do that and not to push our kid in any certain direction. If she wanted to take a class or do something we would sign her up, but it had to be something she expressed a desire to do. She has had lots of down time to play, to read, to explore her own interests in art and music, to be a kid. Our only major requirement is that she works hard in school and gets good grades, which she has always done, and because of the lake cabin we made her learn to swim so she would be safer on or near the water. Now that she’s getting older and her interests and natural talents are being realized, we have started to take additional steps to invest in that with private lessons and she’s going to a couple specialized camps to focus on her music this summer. These are all things that have stemmed from her own interest and hard work, and her teacher’s recognition of that dedication.

The downside for us for having our kid later in life is that we haven’t really ever had anyone we could just leave our kid with for a night out or a weekend away, like ever. But the huge upside is that we’ve spent a ton of time together as a family unit and as a result, we are all very close which wasn’t something either DH or I had growing up ourselves. The balance we do have in our family is intentional.

I do feel that as a society in general, things are off balance way more than they have ever been in my lifetime. I think there is much more concentration of wealth today which IMO is a huge contributor to that imbalance. CEO wages have risen almost 1000% since the 1970’s compared to the rise in the average worker’s wages, which has been just under 11% in that same timeframe. (See this article at www.payscale.com/data-packages/ceo-pay ) I was listening to the radio the other day and their fun fact of the day was that 63% of Americans fear running out of money more than they fear death. If that is true, that helps explain why so many people have a work/life imbalance and when that happens everything else gets out of whack too. 

Definitely media/social media is part of it, but we have also added responsibilities to people and have made having a network more difficult. For example, when I was growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, the expectation (at least where I grew up, but this seems common) was that kids would walk unsupervised to and from school, and would engage in unsupervised play for hours after school. Again, I am sure there are regional variations, but the expectation now is that kids are supervised at all times. That may be the right and safe choice, but parenting is now a more intensive enterprise than it used to be.

Similarly, I have had the same job for almost twenty years now, and my responsibilities have expanded a lot. I used to have maybe one administrative meeting a month; I now have multiple each week. I used to be required to give one final exam per semester; now I am supposed to also give and evaluate a midterm and some formative assessment exercises. That part is better for the students (the additional administrative meetings are not, and reflect mostly that higher ed now employs more administrators). So I now work many more hours at the exact same job, when you’d think I’d work fewer because I’m experienced at what I do.

So, fwiw, I think we sometimes act like we, individually, are feeling more stressed or want more material things or want to show off on social media, when there really have been structural and broad social changes that have made things harder.

I haven't read all the responses, and there is too much for me to pick apart right now. There have always been people who cannot see the grey, or have "balance" in their lives/views, but now they have a global platform and can get dopamine hits from others who feel the same way.


But for many others--those of us who are able to see multiple sides, a lot of what you are seeing is real-time deconstruction of our institutions, and I think when you deconstruct there is a grieving process, and you are seeing various people in varying states of grief, and yes, one of those is anger.  At a minimum, you are seeing people go through an existential crisis---sometimes about the entire world you thought you understood. 

You know, once you deconstruct, you cannot unsee it.  I admit, I am having some "rage" issues about the patriarchy.  It isn't like I was always someone who was blind to it; I even think I thought I was educated about the patriarchy and was a feminist, but the last few years, I have realized how deep and how dysfunctional it all is, and I can see how it has affected all parts of my life and still does.  I can tell you, in my life, my DH doesn't want to get it.  He isn't always arguing with me or being a jerk (but sometimes), but he doesn't WANT to deconstruct or see what I see because he benefits from the structures in place, so I am feeling very unheard right now

This is just scratching the surface, but I would say that if YOU are not angry or disturbed with the state of the world/institutions right now, that is OK, but some of us are really "going through some stuff" right now---and it is scary and disturbing.

I think the parenting part could be regional.  My brothers and their families live in Portland and Oregon City.  When they were back at Christmas last year one of my SIL's (who grew up in the same area of Iowa that we did) commented about how nice it was to be around people who parent their kids "normally."  She said that most of the parents she is around seem to really coddle and baby their kids and don't let them just play and figure things out amongst themselves.  She described it as a kind of overparenting or hovering.  

On the part about social media and wanting material things... I can relate to that.  Awhile back someone said that before social media we had a much more limited view of people's lives.  We could see parts of celebrities houses in magazines or some of our friends and families homes in person.  But now we see many people's homes, clothing, vacations and other items or activities online each day.  These are seemingly every day, regular people like us--not celebrities. It often makes us feel less than.  Like, why don't I make enough money to go on vacation, have a nice house, pay for Botox, or whatever?  Or like if we just buy that specific thing it will make our lives better.  Sometimes it does but most of the time it doesn't.  I think social media makes it easier to feel bad about ourselves in a lot of ways. On the whole, I don't think social media has helped society much and most likely created this imbalance that we are talking about (not just individually, but society as a whole).  It isn't going anywhere, so we need to figure out (again, individually and as a whole) how we can manage it without it tearing us down.  Bring out the good and push down the bad parts of it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!

And in regards to the pick aside, the my way or the high way plays a huge role in that. People no longer want to find middle ground and work TOGETHER for the common good. It is either left or right. No budging. And gosh if you suggest that, you get yelled at.

Dd is at a community college for many reasons but one is finances. First 2 years are free to everyone. It is easy to get financial aide at a CC. And then she will transfer to a local state college to finish.

When talking to those in her chosen field, not a single one suggested an expensive college. They all said the same 3 schools in Ca. All state schools.

You don't need to go to a 4 year 60k a year school in 99% of the times. Sure some have very specific routes and yes you may need to go there. But you don't need to for almost all degrees.

I see parents brag at the start of the year about what program and school their kid is going to and I see the money being spent and just say I hope it works out because many times it doesn't.

I need a new van, mine is 11 yrs old. Starting to have medium needs taken care of. Like a $1600 arm replacement we did in Feb. We are making sure our credit cards are paid off and putting what we can away to help with the down. That way we can get 0% and have a payment under $500. That works within our budget to be comfortable.

The constant immediate input kids get isn't helping.

Thank you! I do put in a lot of effort to live my current life the way I do. It's so easy to get off track, and end up with a very full plate.
I try to advocate for taking care of oneself, self care is so important.

It's funny.  When I first started as a lawyer, there were places I went on vacation that didn't have internet or cell service.  You genuinely couldn't reach me!  It was awesome (although sometimes I returned to some scary voice mail and email!)  I think things had been getting bad for a while, but I think COVID completely erased the at work/not at work line, and I've tried to be very conscientious about training people that I don't answer emails or work calls in the evening, I'm not usually available on the weekend, etc. by using "schedule send" to make sure emails from me only come during work hours.  It has actually been at least somewhat successful.  There is just almost never a such thing as an academic emergency!

Also, am I going crazy? One minute this thread is labelled as 'Politics', and the next minute it's not. Who keeps playing around with it?