SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,421 
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Jun 1, 2024 0:34:50 GMT
I’m glad she’s not planning to live with him until they are married. I would really encourage her to use that time to see if he is able to draw some boundaries with his mother. She needs to be upfront with him about her expectations and the fact that it’s his mother and he needs to be the one to deal with her and keep her in her own lane.
I personally wouldn’t want my MIL to help design my house, but if she’s expressed this to BF and he’s not telling his mom no, then I think I would just let them do it. Since the house will not be in her name and she isn’t putting money into it, she really doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on, however it is definitely a strike in the wrong column for BF if he cannot stand up to his mom at all.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 1, 2024 4:18:16 GMT
The current situation is that he is trying to move out from his mother's house and have his own house built. (DD lives alone in a very small one-bedroom apartment) DD and BF want to get married at some point in the future (a year or so from now). DD and BF are designing this house together with the intention of this being their home after they get married. DD and BF have a builder's meeting next week and his mother wants to come. BF even had the nerve to ask my DD if that would be okay because his mother is relentlessly hounding him with I agree with all of the above. I’m also wondering about the bolded statement above. If she has no financial stake in this house, she therefore no real say in the building of it. But she’s expecting to make a life with this man and living in this dream house? This is fraught with its own issues. I’ve been married for 34 years and there’s no way I would trust my DH to design most of the house. I love the guy and he’s the smartest man that I know, but he has no clue about running a house or the use of it. |
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Jun 1, 2024 13:30:55 GMT
I had this mother in law many years ago. After 3 years, I divorced her precious baby boy. I’m thankful every single day that we did not have children. From what I’ve heard through the years, his next two wives also divorced him after short marriages.
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Post by smasonnc on Jun 1, 2024 13:39:58 GMT
If she has no financial stake in this house, she therefore no real say in the building of it. But she’s expecting to make a life with this man and living in this dream house? Sounds like it will end up being Mom's dream house because he doesn't have the stones to tell her to back off. |
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,319
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Post by iowgirl on Jun 1, 2024 13:47:05 GMT
My DD is not involved in the money aspect of this new build. My daughter bought her own multi-family dwelling when she was 22. She lives in part and the rest in rented out. My dd is no dummy!! She knows financially mixing money before marriage is a big no no. SMART GIRL!!! |
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Jun 1, 2024 14:00:43 GMT
I also agree that your daughter's problem is the BF not the mom. It isn't even a situation where he needs to make a big grandstand, he just needs to start making decisions in the best interest of their future. If he can't put their relationship first now when things are "easy" (not saying things are easy but once you add marriage, kids, etc) he won't put their relationship first during times of stress. He will continue to run and problem solve with his mommy.
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Post by eventhinker on Jun 1, 2024 14:50:50 GMT
So much I could say…this was my 1989 and forward - until 11 years ago when my mother in law passed. My MIL clearly was not happy he chose me, and let her daughters know. I was treated unfairly, aggressively, and my children were treated as “less than” by my MIL. I realized pretty quickly that it was her issue not mine. I can’t say I always behaved properly, and there were times I engaged help and assistance navigating from my parents.
I can say this. If he won’t set the boundaries now, there will never be boundaries.
This part of my life was awful, and I regret that I didn’t advocate for myself more in the beginning with my husband. In the end, my husband passed away, and his sisters still are cool with me, but won’t break a bond that my MIL tried so hard to keep from happening.
Your DD should let him know that she won’t have it.
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Post by ajsweetpea on Jun 1, 2024 15:14:23 GMT
Honestly, if they do marry, they should make the decision to not live near her if they want the marriage to survive. I have an awful MIL. It’s not me in particular— she is awful to the majority of people she encounters, a very selfish person and thinks she is always right. I made the decision early on not to live near her and I’ve never regretted it. When I am around her, I’m completely miserable and even my kids have figured out what she is all about.
Honestly, if I could have seen into the future as a young person and known all the issues she would cause, I might have made different choices for my life. I don’t think you realize as a young person how much someone can bring you down and cause stress for you.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Jun 2, 2024 17:40:44 GMT
old.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/new/This Reddit subreddit is for daughters/sons-in-law (and daughters/sons) of overbearing and otherwise awful MILs/mothers. (You don't have to be married to the SO to participate.) So much good advice there, much of it along the lines of what has been posted here.
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Post by wordyphotogbabe on Jun 3, 2024 1:46:48 GMT
I would tell your daughter that this will never get better unless BF takes this on & sticks with his boundaries & does so over and over again.
While this is the "only" problem in their relationship, it is a HUGE one & should be a dealbreaker for her. Her BF doesn't respect or prioritize her in the way I would assume she wants and he also has no problem making HER miserable to keep his mother happy and to avoid her being upset with him. It must be nice to be able to avoid the responsibility of being a good boyfriend because of "stress."
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,012
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Post by blue tulip on Jun 3, 2024 14:34:38 GMT
he needs to be in therapy, like yesterday, if this has any chance of working. he needs to learn how to set boundaries and get out from under his mom.  |
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Post by melanell on Jun 3, 2024 18:45:31 GMT
I just want to add that if your DD brings up the idea of therapy and he balks at it, then that's yet another red flag for her.
I'm not saying he will, of course, but if his response is the "I don't need to go to therapy!" type, then it just reinforces the idea that this will never improve.
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Post by mom on Jun 3, 2024 18:47:14 GMT
Backstory... DD (24) has been dating said BF (27) for a little over a year now. His mother is horrible and is always asserting herself into their relationship. She's passive aggressive, overbearing, and sometimes downright aggressive. She thinks she knows everything, has to be the best at everything, and is just toxic. She talks shit about my DD to her son all the time. It has reached a fever pitch, and my DD doesn't know what to do. She needs advice from the wise peas! The current situation is that he is trying to move out from his mother's house and have his own house built. (DD lives alone in a very small one-bedroom apartment) DD and BF want to get married at some point in the future (a year or so from now). DD and BF are designing this house together with the intention of this being their home after they get married. DD and BF have a builder's meeting next week and his mother wants to come. BF even had the nerve to ask my DD if that would be okay because his mother is relentlessly hounding him with questions and her opinions. Obviously, it is not okay with DD. The mother will take over the meeting as she bulldozes every conversation. His mother does not want him to have anything nicer than what she has and is jealous. DD thinks that she is jealous that her son is creating a life that she wishes she could have and apparently doesn't want him to move out. BF has tried to set boundaries several times and his mom cries and backs off for about a day and then the cycle continues. He has a lot on his plate with working and going to school full time. He is very stressed out and DD feels bad that he is stuck in the middle between a "war" with DD and his mom. My DD doesn't know how much more of this she can take. She loves him and doesn't want to break up. The have zero issues in their relationship except for his mom. For those of you that have monsters for mother in laws what would you tell your younger self? If you have read all this...thank you. Was your daughter able to read the replies? What did she think? |
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,414
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Jun 3, 2024 19:08:46 GMT
Was your daughter able to read the replies? What did she think? She did read the majority of the replies on Saturday. Friday her and BF had a come to Jesus meeting. He apologized profusely, he said that he always is going to put my dd first. He had a talk with both his parents. He asked his dad to help keep mom in check. (apparently dad is super great and loves my dd) I think everyone in that family just lets the mom do what she wants because it's the easy way out. Also, like someone stated previously above that he has grown up with his mom being like that thought that was normal. BF knows that he is/was close to losing my dd. She stated that she will not under any circumstances live like that. She told him not to propose to her anytime soon because at this point she would have to say no. She wants to see if his new set of boundaries with his mom will stick. |
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 6,302
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Post by pantsonfire on Jun 3, 2024 19:12:26 GMT
Just got through reading this and have a lot to say as a BTDT pea.
She and her BF need to have a long talk. She needs to voice her concerns with him actively listening. She needs to tell him the truth and not sugar coat how this makes her feel. He needs to validate her feelings. He then needs to make a plan and follow through.
Your dad is going to need to understand that he may be hurt and emotionally drained when withdrawing from his mom. And she should be there and offer healthy comfort. Let him vent, suggest he speak to a counselor or therapist. But know this may blow up in his face and his mom may do some stupid shit.
She needs to also tell him that if at any point his mom blames his GF for this (your dd) that HE needs to stick up for your dd and put his mom in her place.
I have been estranged from dh's birth parents (he no longer refers to them and mom and dad) for 20 years. The kids for about 16 years. Dh for 2 years now.
It started off with little things here and there. When we got married, the behaviors increased. When I was pregnant more. When did was born MIL thought she should have full access to dd and was pissed with how much my mom was involved.
I had already kind of withdrew myself from her and FIL. She was very pushy and demanding.
Dh was truly stuck in the middle and his parents knew how to work him. He is a kind hearted, soft man who tries to please everyone. They worked that.
As the years went on, dh disclosed more about the abuse at the hands of his mom. She is also a bi polar alcoholic. His dad was verbally abusive. And emotionally.
Seeing how she was with our niece I knew I made the right choice. She was also this way with BILs ex and her family.
Dh's birth persons are the only thing we ever argued about.
I would say for a good 5 years he knew it needed to be done but because of how the messed with his mind, he felt wrong for even thinking of being estranged from them.
I never pressured him. I never demanded. It's not my place to tell him what to do
But he fully understood why I and the kids had nothing to do with them.
We have worked through a lot of their mind games and shit the caused.
Would I marry dh now knowing what was in store? Yes. He is my guy.
It just sucks that we had to deal with that shit.
She needs to talk with her BF.
I hope things work out in the end for both. And that his mom sees her behavior and steps back
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jun 3, 2024 20:14:32 GMT
She did read the majority of the replies on Saturday. Friday her and BF had a come to Jesus meeting. He apologized profusely, he said that he always is going to put my dd first. He had a talk with both his parents. He asked his dad to help keep mom in check. (apparently dad is super great and loves my dd) I think everyone in that family just lets the mom do what she wants because it's the easy way out. Also, like someone stated previously above that he has grown up with his mom being like that thought that was normal. BF knows that he is/was close to losing my dd. She stated that she will not under any circumstances live like that. She told him not to propose to her anytime soon because at this point she would have to say no. She wants to see if his new set of boundaries with his mom will stick. Good for your DD! She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Smart move to have a wait & see attitude to see if he is able to change his ways. I hope that things work out for her. |
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
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Post by peaname on Jun 10, 2024 1:27:03 GMT
He needs therapy.
He has grown up with this and everything your daughter says about the mother is new to him. He needs a third party to teach him how to set boundaries and it will not be easy.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,241
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Post by pilcas on Jun 10, 2024 23:17:03 GMT
I’m so glad your DD read all the comments and she is not wearing rose Coloured glasses. She seems like a very smart young woman. Hopefully he will be able to make the changes needed.
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Post by nine on Jun 11, 2024 16:52:08 GMT
Ask her to visualize how the future will be. MIL during her pregnancy, in the delivery room, shoving parental advice down her throat, MIL critisizing everything she does. The list is endless. Doesn’t paint a pretty picture.
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