The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,414
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on May 31, 2024 3:42:17 GMT
Backstory... DD (24) has been dating said BF (27) for a little over a year now. His mother is horrible and is always asserting herself into their relationship. She's passive aggressive, overbearing, and sometimes downright aggressive. She thinks she knows everything, has to be the best at everything, and is just toxic. She talks shit about my DD to her son all the time. It has reached a fever pitch, and my DD doesn't know what to do. She needs advice from the wise peas!
The current situation is that he is trying to move out from his mother's house and have his own house built. (DD lives alone in a very small one-bedroom apartment) DD and BF want to get married at some point in the future (a year or so from now). DD and BF are designing this house together with the intention of this being their home after they get married. DD and BF have a builder's meeting next week and his mother wants to come. BF even had the nerve to ask my DD if that would be okay because his mother is relentlessly hounding him with questions and her opinions. Obviously, it is not okay with DD. The mother will take over the meeting as she bulldozes every conversation.
His mother does not want him to have anything nicer than what she has and is jealous. DD thinks that she is jealous that her son is creating a life that she wishes she could have and apparently doesn't want him to move out.
BF has tried to set boundaries several times and his mom cries and backs off for about a day and then the cycle continues.
He has a lot on his plate with working and going to school full time. He is very stressed out and DD feels bad that he is stuck in the middle between a "war" with DD and his mom. My DD doesn't know how much more of this she can take. She loves him and doesn't want to break up. The have zero issues in their relationship except for his mom.
For those of you that have monsters for mother in laws what would you tell your younger self?
If you have read all this...thank you.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 31, 2024 3:45:40 GMT
If he can't say NO to his mother now, he will not do it later. Your DD needs to think long and hard if she wants this in her life forever.
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Post by katlady on May 31, 2024 4:05:44 GMT
DD and BF have a builder's meeting next week and his mother wants to come. BF even had the nerve to ask my DD if that would be okay because his mother is relentlessly hounding him with questions and her opinions. Obviously, it is not okay with DD. DD needs to tell her BF this, that is not ok, and if he won't tell his mom "no", then she really needs to think about the relationship. BF, and not DD, needs to have a talk with his mom and put his foot down. Things will just get worse. And BF needs to move out, even if it means putting their home on hold for now. |
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Post by calgaryscrapper on May 31, 2024 4:11:24 GMT
We bought our home when we were engaged to be married and had a wedding date for after the purchase. We did not move in until after the wedding but did painting in the meantime. We both put money down on the house and both of our names were on the title. I agree that if he can’t make your daughter his priority now there may be problems in the future. Perhaps they could try counselling.
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cynthia1218
Junior Member
Posts: 56 
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Post by cynthia1218 on May 31, 2024 4:22:56 GMT
i just got divorced a year ago from my husband of 28 years and his awful mother. What is going on right now, if he will not put his foot down, will never ever change. If the "controlling crazy" MIL won't respect boundaries, doesn't like your daughter and is jealous of your daughter things will only get worse. And if there are future children things will roll down hill to affect them. My MIL did everything she could to alienate me from my husband. My MIL didn't like my daughter (her grandchild) and would not treat her the same as the other grandchild
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Post by mariemily on May 31, 2024 4:23:03 GMT
Been there, done that. Had I known at the time the impact his mom's behaviour had on my husband growing up, I never would have married him. So many unresolved issues and lots of trauma. We split up six years ago, were together 18 years and it never got better. She was always a drama queen and it was exhausting.
Imagine how traumatic your daughter's boyfriend's childhood must have been with such a dramatic mother. Your daughter needs to think long and hard if she is willing to deal with this in the long run. It gets exhausting quickly and it can take years for her to see/notice how his mother's behaviour has impacted his way of seing life and dealing with things.
I could go on and on and on, but maybe your daughter could see a therapist to help her figure out the next steps?
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on May 31, 2024 4:32:49 GMT
For those of you that have monsters for mother in laws what would you tell your younger self? Run. Seriously. What you see before the wedding tends to get worse after the wedding, then again after children come along. I was young and naive enough to think it would all blow over and she would change. But people don’t change as a general rule. She has been gone for 25 years now and it took many years for DH to admit just how bad things were. As I’ve told DD, pay a lot of attention to the red flags because that is what does in a relationship. The red flag waving here is a huge one. If he can’t/won’t stand up up to his mom now, odds are strong he won’t ever. What she is seeing now is what she will have a lifetime of, so she needs to think long and hard. Perhaps a few solo sessions with a counselor could help her work through it. I wish her luck. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 31, 2024 5:12:05 GMT
If he can't say NO to his mother now, he will not do it later. Your DD needs to think long and hard if she wants this in her life forever. I agree with this. |
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,075
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on May 31, 2024 5:42:55 GMT
She needs to reframe this situation in her mind, she has a boyfriend problem, a big problem. He should be the one setting the boundaries with his mother. He is not because he can't or won't.
If he is not doing this before the wedding he won't after. Your dd deserves a partner that puts her and their relationship first. The fact he wants his mother to come to the meeting with builders just shows he hasn't the skills to put his mother in her place. Can he learn? Sure, but has he shown any real desire to?
Do not marry him until HE has learnt to deal correctly with his mum.
But in reality your dd has to ask herself if she is prepared to be ground down for the next few decades by this woman. Is she prepared to see any children treated badly by her, because that will continue to happen and boyfriend will pick the easy route as he always has because it's easier for HIM.
Every time he lets his mum "win" he is saying loud and clear, my life is easier when she wins, I don't care enough to stand up for you or us.
I will point out my late MIL was a sweetheart but as we were planning out wedding she overstepped, out of excitement not maliciously, either way I wasn't happy. Told dh, he rang and laid out the boundaries. No issues after that. I knew when he made that phone call that us and our unit would be a priority to him. Married over thirty years.
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Post by sunnyd on May 31, 2024 6:06:17 GMT
Does BF have any siblings? Is the mom the same way with them? I work with new construction a lot and trust me, the builder doesn't want the mom there either.  |
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Post by hop2 on May 31, 2024 9:07:55 GMT
If he can't say NO to his mother now, he will not do it later. Your DD needs to think long and hard if she wants this in her life forever. Yes, this. The mother will not change he ways ever. Neither will the BF. If the BF can not or will not set boundaries with his mother now he never will. Have your DD go on Reddit and read the just no mil subreddit for what her future could be like if her partner can not set & keep boundaries. Then she needs to think long & hard if this is what she want forever. |
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 8,565
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on May 31, 2024 9:53:40 GMT
Just going to add on that if the BF is not willing to choose your daughter over his mother, your daughter needs to bail. His mom needs to have several seats.
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Post by christine58 on May 31, 2024 10:33:23 GMT
She needs to RUN.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 31, 2024 10:43:05 GMT
First of all, he needs to stop sharing info with his mom. How does she know that he has a meeting?
Second, it is up to him to handle his mom. If he doesn’t start now, and if they live near her, she will continue to interfere. Imagine her dropping by whenever she wants without notice.
His mother will not stop interfering unless he puts his foot down hard. And if he does not, your daughter needs to think long and hard about what life will be like with Mommy Dearest inserting herself into their lives and manipulating her son.
I wish them luck. They will need it.
ETA: Someone mentioned counseling. This might be a good idea-before the wedding.
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Post by Bridget in MD on May 31, 2024 10:52:55 GMT
First of all, he needs to stop sharing info with his mom. How does she know that he has a meeting?
Second, it is up to him to handle his mom. If he doesn’t start now, and if they live near her, she will continue to interfere. Imagine her dropping by whenever she wants without notice.His mother will not stop interfering unless he puts his foot down hard. And if he does not, your daughter needs to think long and hard about what life will be like with Mommy Dearest inserting herself into their lives and manipulating her son. I wish them luck. They will need it. ETA: Someone mentioned counseling. This might be a good idea-before the wedding. I have built 2 houses with DH, and I will say the day you go in and select stuff is long and exhausting. If this is not an all day appt, I would tell mom the appt was rescheduled and not give her the date/time. Or tell her only the people whose names will be on the deed are allowed at the meeting. Hopefully that gives this young couple time to talk things thru, and he can figure out how to set boundaries. |
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Post by mollycoddle on May 31, 2024 11:02:38 GMT
I have some sympathy for him. My mother was a wonderful, generous person, but was overbearing where I was concerned. I finally stood up to her in my late 20s. She didn’t speak to me for a week, and when she finally called me she said “I guess I care more about you than you do about me.”🙄 She cried too.
But I stood my ground, and it felt good. So there is hope-which is why I am sharing this.
It can be done, but you have to decide that you are not going to play the game any more. He could move out if she doesn’t stop interfering. With a manipulative person, you have to not only set boundaries; you have to enforce them. Every time that you give in, you give the manipulator the message that she won.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,783
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Post by anniebeth24 on May 31, 2024 11:41:09 GMT
My niece has an overbearing MIL, and she and her husband moved out of state mainly to get away from her once their first baby was born. Could not stay in the same city. I hope this can be corrected before your DD is facing that kind of choice.
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Post by melanell on May 31, 2024 12:03:49 GMT
If he can't say NO to his mother now, he will not do it later. Your DD needs to think long and hard if she wants this in her life forever. This. Exactly this. He needs to start setting boundaries RIGHT NOW. Before they buy a house together. Before they move into together. Certainly before they get married. And especially for the sake of your DD, before they consider having any children together. There is ZERO reason in the world for that woman to be at the builder's meeting unless she is the one paying for the house to be built. I wish your DD all the best, and I hope for both of their sakes, that her BF can find the strength to start saying "No." to his mother. |
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Post by peasapie on May 31, 2024 12:10:55 GMT
I have some sympathy for him. My mother was a wonderful, generous person, but was overbearing where I was concerned. I finally stood up to her in my late 20s. She didn’t speak to me for a week, and when she finally called me she said “I guess I care more about you than you do about me.”🙄 She cried too. But I stood my ground, and it felt good. So there is hope-which is why I am sharing this. It can be done, but you have to decide that you are not going to play the game any more. He could move out if she doesn’t stop interfering. With a manipulative person, you have to not only set boundaries; you have to enforce them. Every time that you give in, you give the manipulator the message that she won. This is also how I feel. It’s hard with an overbearing parent, especially if he’s still living in his mother’s home. It does sounds like he has told her to back off several times, which is a positive sign. If he could move into an apartment until the house is ready, that might help somewhat to ease the constant harangue he’s probably dealing with. Also I agree they need couples therapy now so an independent counselor can help him manage how to address his mother and help them together as well. If she loves him as much as you say, this is the only way I can see a path forward. |
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Post by karenlou on May 31, 2024 12:50:57 GMT
This was me.....and if I had known, I'm not sure what I would have done.....She made my life miserable. She has since passed away..(10 years ago)
I found out after the fact that when my DH told her he was getting married she said "What about me?" 😱😱
We were both in our 40's when we got married...first marriage for both of us.
Your DD needs to have a talk with her BF, as this will not get better
I could go on and on about her antics....was not a a great time in my life.
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Post by epeanymous on May 31, 2024 12:52:26 GMT
If he can't say NO to his mother now, he will not do it later. Your DD needs to think long and hard if she wants this in her life forever. This is exactly right. I love my husband, but if I could I would tell 24-year-old me that my fiancée was not yet in a place to set and maintain firm boundaries with his parents, and that she shouldn’t move in with or marry him until he was. Would have saved me years of mistreatment and us years of arguments. |
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Post by quinlove on May 31, 2024 13:03:05 GMT
I highly doubt that the relationship between the bf and his mother will ever change. I’ve noticed that the dynamics of any relationship rarely changes.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,083
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Post by pinklady on May 31, 2024 13:15:49 GMT
I haven't read any responses but your daughter needs to run and run fast! If the boyfriend won't set firm boundaries now, it's only going to get worse.
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Post by workingclassdog on May 31, 2024 13:20:02 GMT
I have this MIL.
She needs to stand her ground now. It took me about five years into the marriage to put my foot down. She or boyfriend needs to set the boundaries or it will never end. I'm 56 and she is STILL around.
Things I did to make it better especially after the five year mark.
I would not use her for anything needed. No babysitting, no emergencies, nothing. If they wanted to see their grandkids I didn't get in the way, but I never depended on them to watch them on my terms, because it was never on my needs.
I block her from all social media.
I don't call. I don't text. Unless it is something that is needed. But for everyday chit chat, nope. She now 'accidently" calls me. I fell for it once. I called back and she was like "oh I didn't mean to call you" while all along it was a ploy to get me to call her. I saw she did this a couple of days ago again. I don't answer or respond, unless there is a direct question that is needed.
I never withhold my DH or children contacting her. DH is a big boy. He knows where I draw the line. My kids are old enough to make their own decisions regarding them. One of them talks to them, one kinda does, while my youngest refuses to. I do make sure if she sends a gift that they do respond and be respectful. But no conversation is needed other than that.
I don't go to their house (when they lived near us). I keep my distance. Years ago, I told her all my feelings about her actions/racists comments/etc. One time.
That's where I stand. I only communicate with her if I have to. DH still talks and communicates with her but keeps his distance.
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Post by smasonnc on May 31, 2024 13:24:43 GMT
The rule is generally each spouse handles things with their own parents. It appears that he is incapable of doing that and is unwilling to stand up to his mom so you DD knows where his allegiance lies. DD won't ever be first and he won't take her side in a dispute. Recipe for disaster.
My son's mother-in-law is nice but she's a lot. His wife sets strict boundaries. They give in a lot, but they also draw a hard line and it works.
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Post by 950nancy on May 31, 2024 13:34:49 GMT
If he can't say no to her now, she needs to walk away. When they get married, your daughter should be the most important person in his life.
If he won't put his foot down about the meeting, she needs to really reevaluate her importance in his life. Is this the life she wants to live?
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 31, 2024 13:35:01 GMT
My advice, couples therapy for them (him) to learn how to create boundaries with her. A therapist can help to create/facilitate what is appropriate for them to expect and how to institute it with her. As many have said he's lived this so it isn't going to be easy to create a new dynamic. If he can't get on board then unfortunately she's in for a rough ride.
I didn't realize how bad things could get, but she's definitely affected our marriage in a pretty negative way. dh would never stand up to her. Finally she did something involving our kids and it went downhill very quickly with her calling me every name in the book (his lack of boundaries made me the b*tch in her mind). That was it for me, even though we'd always stayed on good terms, I was done. Long story short, their dynamic didn't end well for any of us. So tell your dd to really consider seeing if boyfriend will do some counseling together to work this situation out. Otherwise it usually doesn't end well somewhere along the line.
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Post by freecharlie on May 31, 2024 14:12:57 GMT
Without reading past the op...
Your dd needs to evaluate the relationship. It is not going to get better, only worse. This will be an issue for their entire marriage.
If he went to counseling and learned to set and hold boundaries, maybe...but I'd leave the relationship
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Post by freecharlie on May 31, 2024 14:19:07 GMT
Also, the fact that he allows his mom to talk shit about your dd is a giant red flag.
I assume the bf is the one buying the house and your dd is just helping to plan, not putting any money down...
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,862
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Post by scrapngranny on May 31, 2024 14:29:48 GMT
This is what they call a huge red flag. Get out now.
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