Older child (adult) figuring out life question.

The opportunities in this world are as great as we have the imagination to see them... but we never get that view from the bottom of the nest.
Charles Kettering


A bird is safe in its nest - but that is not what its wings are made for.
Amit Ray

You absolutely can require it as a condition of moving home. TBH though, I wouldn’t give him that option. He needs to get online and find a roommate or rent a room in a house with some other people. In the Portland area, you can find a new roommate or living situation all day long on Craigslist.

my kid bounced back home and not.. and had coffee and then bartending jobs. it really didn't change til he was 32 and met his love. she is highly ambitious and accepts him for who he is.. which is a good person. they married, got a dog, moved cross country and he tried an office recruiting job.. ground level. he worked super hard at it for 6 months and failed at the work. he showed the boss he was extremely hard working and a great person.. so they kept him on, took him off recruiting.. and he has been doing projects and right now is training new staff on their technology. Is he really where he is comfortable work wise? no. but he has a great wife, and living a good life. he is now 37.

I don't think having young adults at home doing nothing is not a good thing. find a place to live or find a job.. do something. whatever it is. your vision is not his vision and this generation believes for good reason that they can't afford a house, the american dream,, and are living much more in the moment.. as many are in debt, or have other issues to deal with.

crafty
It is difficult but yes, you can make some rules/conditions for his coming to live in your home.

If he is interested in his present job and friends he will have to make decisions on how to accomplish that, which means he would also have to set rules etc to do that.

Good luck..

ETA: My youngest DGS was floundering and chose the Army. He has truly grown up. He learned all kinds of things including learning and moving into a union trade in iron work. He is presently an apprentice with a very good future.

Middle DGS smart as a whip, working in a job he likes, making far too much money, which is preventing him from following his lifetime passion.. (now it would be a drastic cut in pay from the bottom up.). Money is not all there is...

Zee, I could almost have written your response word for word. My DS is also 26 and lives at home with me. Is it what I want for him? No. But he has struggled with severe depression since his early teens, was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 21, and has various physical health conditions too. Like you, I would rather he was at home than struggling in a rented room in someone else's home. Here, I can keep an eye on him, make sure he takes his meds, and encourage him to go out and do things. It makes no difference to me, and most of the time I enjoy having him here. 

He receives disability benefits and pays his way, and helps me out around the house when he can. I’d like to think when his girlfriend gets her act together and moves over here (from Florida) that they will find their own place. (Actually, put it this way: when she moves here, they will have to find their own place!) But despite them being a couple for seven years, I’m not holding my breath that they’ll be living together soon. The difficulties with immigration require better executive functioning than either of them has. 😕

You asked if anyone else had a young adult who figured out how to do life - yes our younger son did.  He left school as soon as he could after not getting anywhere there, and had low-paid jobs though he also did some volunteer work with the YMCA in their school vacation programmes for children.  In his twenties he decided he wanted to be a teacher, so he took himself off to university, studied and was awarded his teaching degree. He’s now in his early forties and is deputy principal at his school. He studied part-time while teaching, and got his Masters degree as well.  There’s always hope.

I think the many of the others who have replied above, are right - treat him as an adult, which means he needs to be responsible for adult stuff, but make it doable for him; only what he can afford, even though that won’t be much, otherwise it might really play with his mind. Over time you can add in more, charge higher rent etc.  Perhaps you could negotiate with him to do non-monetary stuff such as more housework and/or cooking in lieu of financial stuff?

Not wrong, just a very different situation.

We’re not talking about a young person who has that internal motivation to go out and find a better job and give themselves options. They don’t seem to be in that space right now.

I have three adult children, all in their 20s. And my answer would probably be different for all of them, if they wanted to move home, because they only need different things. One of them kept messing up their money and asked to move home and we said no and gave them a one time rescue financially. Letting them come home would’ve just enabled them to keep messing up their money they needed to stay responsible for themselves To learn how to manage it better. If we had picked up the pieces in the way that they wanted us to, it would’ve been a never-ending revolving door…

I have another kiddo who is just finishing their college degree and planning on staying at home while they pay off their student loans. But we have a deal that there’s a minimum payment they have to make on their loan in place of rent And they could move out tomorrow they would do it. They are chomping at the bit to get out into the world.

I guess what I’m trying to say is some kids need to experience a little bit of discomfort to learn to step up and improve their own lives. And some kids already have that internal motivation.

That sounds a lot like a friend’s grandson. The guy is now in his mid to late 20’s, hasn’t had a steady job for more than a couple weeks at a time since high school, doesn’t drive (I don’t think he even has a driver’s license), didn’t go on to any post secondary schooling or training, never had a girlfriend. He lived with his grandparents for a while at the end of high school because he didn’t get along with his dad, but since then dad passed away, grandparents got sick of him never doing anything to help out so now he’s back home being his mom’s freeloader. Meanwhile, she works two jobs to support him while he stays home playing video games all day. (Did I mention he also never does anything around the house either? Yeah, that too.)

Personally I find it pretty depressing for someone that age to have zero motivation, no aspirations, no hopes and no dreams.

I think it's important to remember that the pandemic and all of its uncertainty and isolation affected kids in different ways.

My oldest (25) was in university in 2020 and being able to work independently and remotely was perfect for them. My middle and youngest were in grade 12 and grade 11, so their graduations were impacted, their first years at uni were on-line, they couldn't play their team sports, and so on ... add in some ADHD and depression, and it's been a tough haul for both of them. My middle (22) is more resilient and in the last year (after three years of three different post-secondary programs and a couple manual labour jobs) has figured out what they want to do with their life and how to get there. My youngest (20) is a 'never talk about anything' kind of kid and has been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts/planning, and needed a bit of an intervention a year ago. Things have improved, and they are working at an outdoor labour job and making small steps at becoming more engaged with life again.

When we were in the midst of the crazy busy teen years, I was looking forward to some empty nest time, but the two kids in school attend in our city, and the kid working is working here, too, so they are all living at home. I was not feeling great about that ... tired of still feeling like I needed to 'caretake' them, wanting space to spread out projects, kinda jealous of my friends whose kids were going to university in different cities, whatever. And then, trite as it may sound, I watched the first episode of the British tv series "The Larkins", and had a bit of an epiphany! The eldest daughter in the show is 18 and wants nothing more than to head out into the world to make her own way, and the parents want nothing more than for her to stay at home with them and build her adult life in their tiny village. I did eventually watch the whole series and loved it, but it only took that one episode for me to have a little bit of a look at myself and why I was feeling what I was feeling. And to decide that whatever made my kids and dh and me feel happy and secure and loved was the right thing to do, whether it was something that I had expected 10 years ago or not!

I think 'tough love' has its time and place, but in my case, it wasn't what my youngest needed, and we almost lost them to suicide. I would 100% rather have them living back at home for as long as they need. They found their own psychologist and can make appointments as needed (my insurance info and credit card number are on file). They are working and have started joining new community groups to meet new people. They house and cat sit when dh and I want to travel. They help out around the house. I feel like we'll get 'there'--wherever 'there' is--at some point, but just because youngest's timeline for full independence is different than their siblings or friends, that doesn't make it wrong. I do need to check myself every few months when I start feeling frustrated because it feels like "nothing ever changes" and have a look at the progress that has actually been made in the last year. It might not be as quick as I would want, but there is progress, and there is no deadline, and success for a young person with depression--or whatever--isn't going to look like it might for someone else, so I'm going to do my best to treat them compassionately and be the supportive parent they need, not the one I think they need ...

Hang in there ... nothing about this is easy

I was pretty content to just meander through school (no plan) and work menial jobs (Wendy's, deliver pizza, security at Pepsi Center). I could pay my bills and foe anything I wanted to do and had no real ambition to leave that life behind.

I finally got it together after I had my first kid.

Just wondering, has he been tested for ADHD or do you think he could potentially have it? I have seen some with it who have been able to function much more efficiently and gain more motivation after diagnosis and medication. Just throwing it out there in case it could be a possibility!

Yeah this was me. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life so I was in and out of college and a few jobs. I really didn’t get focused and grow up until I had my first child at 28. 

I also have a son who struggles. He's actually driving back with his long distance girlfriend today from the East Coast. She's already got a good job lined up. They've been seeing each other for 6 years and she's well aware who he is. I'm hopeful this will help him move onto the next step in life.

Regardless, he's my child. I will always be his soft place to fall when needed. If lack of ambition is the worst thing I have to admit about my baby, I'll take it.

Parenting an adult kid is the worst. Our adult son has serious issues ...

My advice is to set parameters on him returning home that are reasonable. rent? Keeping his place neat(ish). A time limit?
Other than that, what your son does with his life is up to him. Nagging, suggestions, requirements to get a degree, etc. are highly unlikely to work and may make the situation worse.


I do think it is wise to tell him that you know he would rather be on his own but respect his right as an adult to get there.

Good luck.

(and yes some kids take a lot longer to grow up)