artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,410 
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Post by artbabe on Jun 15, 2024 17:12:44 GMT
I never had children. Not by choice, by accident.
I never found anyone to marry and have kids with. So I'm accidently infertile. Not literally, but it is the same result. And now I am in menopause.
My other issue is that I am bipolar. So adopting wasn't an option, and I don't think donor sperm would have been an option, either. I didn't want to do the single parent thing- I kept thinking that a man would come around eventually. And then suddenly I was in my 40s and there I was.
My life has been filled with children, however. I have 3 nephews that are a big part of my life. When they were little I saw them 5-6 times a week. For a couple of summers they lived with me half of the week. I have a little empty nest thing going on right now because they are 14, 19, and 21. I still have a bedroom in my house for them but it has been years since they slept there. I did get to spend part of the day with the youngest yesterday, because I'm his Uber. I'm mostly a convenience for him but he did say "I love you" when I dropped him off at his friend's house yesterday.
I have been a teacher for 30 years, so my life has been filled with children that way, too. So I'm lucky.
But it sucked. I had to stop halfway through writing this to dry my eyes. Geeze, you would think after all this time I wouldn't do that.
I guess I don't really have a question for you all. I just thought it is an interesting (and slightly tragic) situation that I've never heard anyone talk about.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,268
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Jun 15, 2024 17:16:29 GMT
My BFF is in the same boat. She wasted a lot of time on guys who weren't into committing and made it known to her early on. Now she's in her late 50s and has never been married or had children. I look up to her because she is a homeowner and getting close to retirement and I'm struggling after an awful divorce and health issues. I live in a rental and am the same age but nowhere near retirement age.
She's always been like a second mom to my DS, but I know she feels she missed out on marriage/childbirth (not that marriage is off of the table but she's not actively looking).
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Post by Zee on Jun 15, 2024 17:20:25 GMT
I don't know anyone who didn't have children by choice--it was a choice for all of them. My daughter might be the same, time will tell. But they all had/have partners.
I don't know why I felt the need to have children, but I did. It was like getting the most expensive and exciting pet I could comprehend, and I got to make it myself!
I used to wake up in the morning after our daughter was born, just excited to go check on her and dress her and stuff. I loved when my son would wake up in the night so we could cuddle back to sleep. I loved taking them on walks, shopping, exploring, going to McDonald's as a treat, etc. I was so young and happy.
I wouldn't choose to do it at this age, though. When I see celebrities do it in their late 40s and 50s I know it's just because they can hire help.
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Post by gar on Jun 15, 2024 17:26:16 GMT
I'm sorry it makes you sad still. I'm sure 'there but for the grace of god...' applies to many women. I think a lot of people (me included) just assume they will have children when/if they want them and when it doesn't go according to plan for whatever reason, it must bring a lot of heartache.
I hope you don't miss your nephews too much as they strikeout into their own lives as young adults.
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sueg
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Apr 12, 2016 12:51:01 GMT
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Post by sueg on Jun 15, 2024 17:33:18 GMT
My youngest sister is also ‘accidentally childless’ - she never met the right man; there was one serious boyfriend in her late 30s, but he eventually flaked. She is now 57, so past childbearing, even if a suitable man came along.
She is a ‘professional aunt’. She has been wonderful to both my boys, especially when we moved overseas and our younger son was floundering a bit, and it is a role she cherishes.
My younger son is gay and doesn’t expect to have his own children at this point, but when his brother’s first child was born, he fell in love immediately and vowed to be an uncle to her and any of her siblings just like my sister had been an aunt to him.
I think it is wonderful for children to have an aunt/uncle like this - not comparing to their own kids, not caught up in their kids’ life, but just someone related but neutral they can go to and who loves them unconditionally.
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mich5481
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,762
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Post by mich5481 on Jun 15, 2024 17:35:15 GMT
I'm in the same boat, although I theoretically still have time if I find the right guy in the next year or two.
It's depressing to feel like I'm so stunted in that area, but then I look at my friends who are getting divorced and having to deal with exes and single parenthood, and I'm grateful I don't have to go through that. I suppose I'm also grateful that I had the freedom to pick up my life and move in to take care of my mom, even though my chances of meeting someone are slim to none here.
It's hard, and I feel your pain.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jun 15, 2024 17:56:20 GMT
I'm sorry. I have a family member who's childless by choice, and another who's childless by accident. My heart goes out to you for the sense of loss you're feeling.
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Post by Linda on Jun 15, 2024 17:58:35 GMT
my bestie is in a similar boat - early 50s not married, not in a relationship, no children. She is the one of our friend group who would have been voted 'most likely to have a big family' back when we were all in high school and she's the only one without kids and she really really wanted to have a family. She was a bonus mum-figure to her youngest brother as their mum died when he was still young. She has been an aunt to my children, and an aunt to her nieces and nephews. She lived with us for 7 years and then moved back near her siblings when they started having children (she's the oldest).
(((Hugs))) I'm sure its hard for you.
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Post by disneypal on Jun 15, 2024 18:08:38 GMT
Kind of in the same boat as you. I always planned on having children, but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Now, that I am too old to have them (Plus I had a hysterectomy several years ago), I understand why I wasn't destined for kids.
I am a huge worry wart and would probably worry myself to death thinking about my kids. In addition, not having children frees me up to help my mother and other family members more and be there for them if needed.
I sometimes am a little sad that I wasn't blessed with children, but more often than not, I'm kind of glad it worked out that way.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jun 15, 2024 18:20:03 GMT
I'm also childless by accident. DH and I wanted children very much, but even after fertility treatment, it didn't happen. The fertility treatments were brutal, and I did most of my grieving at that time. DH struggled when I began peri-menopause, and again when I had my chemical menopause with cancer and, strangely, when I had my hysterectomy, even though there was no possibility of children even before that. Emotions are funny things, aren't they? They hit us at the oddest times and circumstances. Hugs to you artbabe. |
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Post by Texas Scrap on Jun 15, 2024 18:20:18 GMT
I have a dear life long friend in a similar spot. She has her days where she is great with it, and then others are just hard as she thinks about what can no longer be. It sounds to me like you have largely embraced your life and ways to connect with kids which is fantastic. Kids desperately need loving adults in their lives outside of the parents and it sounds like you do that with intention and love! Sending hugs your way.
When we were about 5-6 years into marriage I read a book called Women without Children that a married, childless friend recommended when I told her I was just not sure what my journey would be. It is a tough topic because there are strong opinions on all sides and very often if you are not "following the standard" by choice or not, people can be intentionally and unintentionally hurtful. That book was helpful to me in normalizing being a woman without being a biological or adoptive parent. I think we need more of that in the world. DH and I ended up deciding to try for kids a few years later. I ended up with postpartum depression after my first was born early and had some health difficulties that first year and that was a really tough road. Thankfully, my OBGYN figure out what was going on with me, got me on meds, and my ability to function improved dramatically. But at the time, I questioned my capability and capacity to parent. And it seemed like everyone else had great babies and easy situations and I felt the failure.
I think our culture continues to tend toward unrealistically high expectations of women generally and also in terms of what women are supposed to be, do, look like, etc. I am grateful that for the most part 2peas seems to open its arms to everyone as they are. I think mid-life is also a time we all naturally look back at what has and had not happened in our lives and reflect.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,941
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 15, 2024 18:23:07 GMT
Hugs to you. Those niece and nephew relationships can be really profound and it sounds like they are lovely boys and lucky to have you. I'm sure your nephew doesn't think of you as a convenience - you are a "go to" person for him. That's different!
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Post by lisae on Jun 15, 2024 18:30:28 GMT
I'm sorry you are sad, but I'm glad you had children in your life as you obviously want to share your life with children. A close friend wanted children but could not have them and her husband did not want to adopt. I honestly don't think it bothers her at this point in her life. She also has nieces and nephews.
I did not want children. DH has two grown daughters and I have a good relationship with one of them. However, they live hundreds of miles away. I have never been comfortable with children and so they aren't comfortable with me. As an only child, I have no nieces and nephews. I do love relationships with younger adults but sadly if you weren't close with your cousins when they were growing up, it's hard to forge those relationships later in life. So my concern is who will be there when I'm old. I keep wanting to make friends with younger women but it is hard to meet people. So much of life revolves around kids.
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Post by worrywart on Jun 15, 2024 19:13:12 GMT
I'm glad that you have your nephews in your life - they are lucky to have you! Keep reaching out to them as they age, it may be harder to get them to commit to anything but they will appreciate you trying. (((hugs)))
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Post by momx1 on Jun 15, 2024 19:24:35 GMT
{{hugs}}
I spent 20 years in fertility treatments
trying to build a family. After 12 years of treatments we were able to have our daughter but we always wanted more.
When I was diagnosed with hormone driven cancer there was a grieving period again because the “possibility” of conceiving was off the table. Forever. And that was difficult to process and still makes me sad at times.
On the bright side I’m so glad you’ve had the joy of children in your life!
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Post by Merge on Jun 15, 2024 19:42:18 GMT
I have a cousin in the same place. She loves kids and has been an early childhood educator all her life. Never met a man she wanted to have kids with and didn’t want to be a single mom. She’s well into her 50s now.
I’m sorry. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we want or expect, but that doesn’t make it easy to cope with.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 15, 2024 19:54:11 GMT
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad. I have a few retired friends in that same situation and interestingly enough all are retired teachers who never married. My mom’s twin was like that too, but she had the eight of us to dote on and we loved her like a second mom. She was also close to several other of her sibling’s kids. When she passed away we arranged to have a bunch of individual white flowers that all of her nieces, nephews, grand nieces and nephews and even great grand nieces and nephews could bring up during the service and place in a large vase with a ribbon that said Beloved Aunt. By the time we all brought our flowers up the vase was overflowing with flowers. It was beautiful.
I’m glad you go have found a way to have children in your life, but I can appreciate that it just isn’t the same as having your own. Since you have an extra bedroom, what about hosting exchange students? That could be a fun way to share your life with kids on a short term basis. In my area it’s pretty common to see postings looking for host families for exchange students.
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moodyblue
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 15, 2024 20:14:28 GMT
I have no children, partly by circumstances and partly by choice.
I was engaged at 25 but broke it off when it became clear we had different ideas of commitment. I dated some but nothing serious. I had always thought I would be a mother but as I got farther into my thirties I had to decide if I wanted to be a single parent by choice. That was a big decision and I ultimately decided that, while I could and did do a lot of things (like travel) by myself, I did NOT want to become a parent by myself.
I met a guy at age 41 and married him at 42. He and his first wife had tried to have children but didn’t so I knew that it would be unlikely at my age then that it would happen. Plus, we started building our house days after the wedding and I always felt that a couple should have time to just be married and enjoy that phase before getting pregnant. I realized that I liked our life as it was and didn’t really want it to change when I had a moment of thinking I was pregnant - and being relieved that I wasn’t.
I taught for 42 years, so interacted with lots and lots of children. My brother and sister didn’t have children either so no nephews and nieces until my brother married a woman with two kids and I acquired more through my husband. My cousins’ kids are in my life and I’m godmother to one of them, who now has her own little girl. I work hard to keep the family connections since my parents' generation is all gone.
I am more aware of the issue of who will be around when I need help since my brother and I are now the oldest family members, and especially since my husband died five years ago. His niece and her husband were my rocks when he died but they have since moved to Florida and even though he would fly here at the drop of a hat if I needed him, they are not here for day-to-day issues. It’s tough to be childless and alone - but I also have seen enough to know that having a child doesn’t guarantee they will be there, able and willing, when and if you need help.
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Post by NanaKate on Jun 15, 2024 21:19:05 GMT
Hugs, Artbabe. Sounds like you have been a blessing to many, even though I understand it’s not the same.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 15, 2024 21:27:05 GMT
I don’t have any children either. Pretty much by choice because I could’ve been a single parent if I was so desired. I have never found anybody that I wanted to spend every single day of my life with. However, I have five absolutely wonderful nieces and nephews who between them have given me six great nieces and nephews, three of each. They are the lights of my life and I will do anything for any of them.
They’ve grown into wonderful adults and now wonderful parents. I spent a lot of time with three of them when they were younger because they live near me and the bond I have with them is amazing. I don’t think I could love them anymore, even if I had given birth to them. And now with the greats, my life is even fuller. I’ve never heard it called childless by accident and I kind of don’t like that term..
I don’t live my life with regrets and as much as I wanted to be a mom, I know I am a kick ass aunt and godmother
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Post by KikiPea on Jun 15, 2024 21:37:41 GMT
I guess you could say we’re childless by accident. I was on BC for several years, but they took me off to see if I started causing high BP. I never got back on it. We started using other methods.
We talked about it several times, but never actually made a decision either way, but I’m totally fine that we don’t have them. We like the way our lives have turned out.
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Post by melanell on Jun 15, 2024 22:14:57 GMT
Hugs. I am not childless, but there are other aspects of life in which I have reached a certain point in life and thought "How did I reach this point and x,y,z?" and some days I can think about it and it's not an issue, but other times it's very difficult.
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Post by sunnyd on Jun 15, 2024 22:27:34 GMT
Your feelings are 100% valid. I hate that society puts such an identity on parenthood. I know it's hurtful and I'm hurting with you. It's really something you don't get over. I'm sending love and light to you. You are a blessing to so many!!
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seaexplore
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 15, 2024 23:22:47 GMT
I have a dear friend who passed away last April who was single and childless. Not sure if it was accidental or not. She dated but never found the right guy to have a family with. Never married. Had many friends and many "FWB" but nothing committed. She seemed to be ok with it. Some days (when my kids are driving me crazy or I realize that I will be 60 when my youngest is 18) I wonder if we did the right thing having kids "late" in life. I was 37 and 42, almost grandparent age really. BUT I knew I wanted to be a mom when I miscarried my first pregnancy and DH and I were devastated. If we had been relieved, I know being a parent wasn't for us. I often envy my friends who don't have kids to wrangle and a house that constantly needs cleaning and the ability to just GO when they want to. That's something that I wonder if I would do or not. I know I sure as hell would have more free time and more money. LOL I think that life is what we make of it and it sounds like you've had some awesome kids in your life and you should relish in the love they have for you and not regret not having kids.  |
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jayfab
Drama Llama
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Post by jayfab on Jun 16, 2024 0:08:24 GMT
I could have written your post word for word except I'm 66. (((hugs artbabe) |
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,718
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 16, 2024 1:49:53 GMT
My younger son is gay and doesn’t expect to have his own children at this point, but when his brother’s first child was born, he fell in love immediately and vowed to be an uncle to her and any of her siblings just like my sister had been an aunt to him. I think it is wonderful for children to have an aunt/uncle like this - not comparing to their own kids, not caught up in their kids’ life, but just someone related but neutral they can go to and who loves them unconditionally. This is very similar here, our only son is gay and our only DD is married with three children. DS is a great uncle to his niece and nephews, and our DD has included him in their lives since birth. He lives overseas but comes home regularly and in the mean time there is zoom and phone calls - " not caught up in the kids' life, but just someone related but neutral they can go to who loves them unconditionally".He told Dh and I many years ago that he would not be having children - it came as no surprise. It did make me sad but I certainly respect his choices in life. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jun 16, 2024 11:46:40 GMT
Of course you have to grieve something so fundamental you never voluntarily gave up. That other women have just just taken as their right.
Plus, menopause itself is a time of loss and many feelings, so it makes all the sense in the world for this to come up and his you hard. Be gentle with yourself, and allow all these reflections to settle inside.
You are a treasure to all you are around,young and old.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 16, 2024 12:04:07 GMT
artbabe I'm sending my hugs. I have no words of wisdom. I think no matter what choices we make in life we are confronted with the what ifs sometimes. I had tears in my eyes reading your post. So it doesn't surprise me that you would too. I know from the SB that you are the world's best aunt. ❤️
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Post by compeateropeator on Jun 16, 2024 13:17:24 GMT
Well another single person who never found the right person for long term commitments and children. I will be 60 this year…so I will never say never on the finding the right person but the having children is far gone. It can be sad but it also is what it is so I really have accepted it and am okay with it.
I have a niece and a nephew who I love with all my heart and would do anything for. Luckily my brother only lives and hour away and it was easy to be very involved plus easy phone and video calling access these days helps. However the have now become teenagers (will be 14 and 18 this year) and I don’t hear from them as much but they will come back and they know they I am always here for them no matter what.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 16, 2024 15:17:07 GMT
My sil chose not to have children. She wanted to travel the world and do other things. Though it's different, because she chose this. However, she is the 2nd mother to my now adult children. They are all so very close. I want you know that a fantastic auntie is the best thing ever. Those kids love you more than you'll ever know. When they were little they thought auntie hung the moon. As adults they have such respect and adoration for her. So do I. I also think she hung the moon and she probably did.
My sil may not be their mom, but that relationship is precious not only to them, but also to me. You're an amazing aunt. Though it's not the same as being a mom, it's very similar and it's a really important job.
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