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Post by mom on Jun 18, 2024 20:49:22 GMT
All of this is what I know in mybheartbisbtrue. But dealing with them in the midst of a crisis is another and is so overwhelming And to add to it my husband and I have an Alaskan cruise planned that leaves next week. So our trip which has been so planned for and exciting now has an overwhelming shadow across it. We are going with other friends and have been planning all of our excursions, etc and now it will be absolute shit. We can’t get refunded and I don’t want to cancel. It feels like one more thing being ruined by our son. Ok, I've read all of your posts and had decided not to comment, because, well, I am the last person who should be giving out advice for having an adult kid. But I think you should go on your trip for you and DH. Your marriage is important, and you need to get away from all the drama with your son and focus only on each other. Your son will be fine without you there. Make him manage himself while you are gone. Will the shit show still be there when you get back? Yes. But maybe you will have a chance to calm down, and get some perspective on whats going on. Do you follow Kim Muench on Tik Tok (she's probably on other platforms, but I only follow on TT). She gives advice for parents for emerging adults. I have learned so much from her. We've been in a similar situation with DS1 and I've used some of her tips and advice to help navigate everything. Check her out. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 18, 2024 23:01:27 GMT
All of this is what I know in mybheartbisbtrue. But dealing with them in the midst of a crisis is another and is so overwhelming And to add to it my husband and I have an Alaskan cruise planned that leaves next week. So our trip which has been so planned for and exciting now has an overwhelming shadow across it. We are going with other friends and have been planning all of our excursions, etc and now it will be absolute shit. We can’t get refunded and I don’t want to cancel. It feels like one more thing being ruined by our son. Ok, I've read all of your posts and had decided not to comment, because, well, I am the last person who should be giving out advice for having an adult kid. But I think you should go on your trip for you and DH. Your marriage is important, and you need to get away from all the drama with your son and focus only on each other. Your son will be fine without you there. Make him manage himself while you are gone. Will the shit show still be there when you get back? Yes. But maybe you will have a chance to calm down, and get some perspective on whats going on. Do you follow Kim Muench on Tik Tok (she's probably on other platforms, but I only follow on TT). She gives advice for parents for emerging adults. I have learned so much from her. We've been in a similar situation with DS1 and I've used some of her tips and advice to help navigate everything. Check her out. Thank you We are going on the trip. It won’t be as much fun because we will be worried, but after 24 hours things are not as dire and chaotic. My DH is still mad but not raging so we can actually talk. All of us. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,892 
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Post by Just T on Jun 18, 2024 23:45:12 GMT
I have not read all of the responses, but I want to offer my good thoughts to you from a mom who also has a son who struggled throughout his 20s. I spent so many years worried about him.
He went from one low paying job to the next, lived at home, and I would get so angry at some of the dumb choices he made. I mostly kept my thoughts to myself and just loved him and supported him through them all. Thankfully, he never did drugs or drank too much--he just struggled to find his way in the world. I too had such a hard time watching his friends and others his age graduate from college, get married, start having kids while he is struggling and living in my basement. He's really a great guy with so many wonderful qualities.
Fast forward to now--he just turned 30 on Saturday, he recently married a lovely sweet girl. They have some financial struggles, but they are both ridiculously happy and in a few weeks, he is starting a job at a large, well known company with excellent pay and benefits, and I am so happy and relieved that he seems to be on track to have the life he wants to have. Finally, at the age of 30.
I have friends who have had similar issues with their sons. I know when you are in the thick of it it feels completely devastating. Just keep on loving him, giving him tough love when needed, and he will find his way. And someday, he will thank you for standing with him when things weren't great. My son constantly tells me how grateful he is that I didn't throw him to the wolves and stood by him and most of all loved him. I finally feel like he has a good future ahead of him, and I will think so many good thoughts for you and your son. Hang in there.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 19, 2024 0:06:15 GMT
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with all of this.
Maybe one way to get your men to family therapy is that the therapist can be a neutral third party to help your family navigate this stage in your lives. The therapist can help you come up with a plan that will be the most beneficial to all of you.
It may seem like all of your DS’s peers have their life together, but you don’t know what you aren’t seeing behind closed doors. I guarantee you that some are still looking for a job after that expensive degree, others are stressed about finances, relationships, and/or a living situation. The key is to make decisions that are good for your family and not worry about the optics.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 19, 2024 1:27:47 GMT
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Maybe one way to get your men to family therapy is that the therapist can be a neutral third party to help your family navigate this stage in your lives. The therapist can help you come up with a plan that will be the most beneficial to all of you. It may seem like all of your DS’s peers have their life together, but you don’t know what you aren’t seeing behind closed doors. I guarantee you that some are still looking for a job after that expensive degree, others are stressed about finances, relationships, and/or a living situation. The key is to make decisions that are good for your family and not worry about the optics. I said this to my husband and pointed out other kids who are also struggling and in similar positions. It’s hard when you feel like everyone around you is in the right path. |
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Post by andreasmom on Jun 19, 2024 1:35:25 GMT
you might have him talk to doctor about getting tested for anything like adhd.. and 22 is young and he can recover. he has a chance to reinvent himself. he needs to find a job where this may not be such an issue. it is frustrating, but i would have non accusatory conversations about how he will deal with this, how he plans to change. or go in other direction. He has adhd He has depression and anxiety He refuses adhd meds He takes the other meds We have had these conversations before and he promises things will get better and then he lies and something awful happens and our world comes crashing down. It is like an awful spiral we are in. When we think things are okay (this job has been for over a year) then we get blindsided. It is so tiring and frustrating. We would do anything for him but he will never ask for help or let us in. My child has ADHD. What I have learned in this journey is to never ever compare their path to neurotypical people. It is different. No ifs and or buts. Do I feel like crying when milestones are not met? You bet. It is hard. I see you and validate you and i also want yo remind you there are successful adhd people everywhere. It just takes a little longer/ they have a different path. He will get there. But he won’t get there as fast without your support. |
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Post by refugeepea on Jun 19, 2024 3:54:54 GMT
I have written about the struggles with my son before. We thought he was doing well and had a job with a security clearance. Making over $60k and just bought his first car which my husband co-signed for. All I can say is you are not alone. My son will be 25 this year and it's been an ongoing struggle since he's been twelve. I've distanced myself emotionally, maybe too much right now. I don't know. I just know I have to make it through each day as well. I keep telling myself I did everything I could when he was a child. I tried my best. I can not parent my adult child.
Please take time for you. Whatever form that takes; therapy, get away, alone time, read...
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Post by refugeepea on Jun 19, 2024 4:03:22 GMT
I said this to my husband and pointed out other kids who are also struggling and in similar positions. It’s hard when you feel like everyone around you is in the right path. It is a very isolating experience. Between the oldest child with mental health issues and my other two children with special needs, covid-19, and politics, I deleted my Facebook account. I'm on social media platforms, but I follow interests and not people I know (besides rare visits to a family group on Facebook, and only that group). It's helped my mental health. |
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Post by jill8909 on Jun 19, 2024 17:32:00 GMT
Just came back to say I'm thinking of you.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 19, 2024 20:13:07 GMT
Just came back to say I'm thinking of you. Thank you. Today is a better day. He is applying for more jobs. Therapy appt set up for him and family therapy set up when I get back from my cruise. He filled out new patient paperwork to go to a doctor and talk about meds and changing as well as a possible sleep study. That will take time but my husband thought of that and it is a good idea. He grinds his teeth all night long-I can hear it a room away. He has always been a mouth breather. He has said he never feels rested although he can nap multiple times a day. Lots at play along with adhd and depression to look into. Baby steps. When I am feeling overwhelmed I am saying a little mantra to myself and trying to calm down. Just trying to let some things go. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 19, 2024 21:42:51 GMT
The feeling that everyone else's kids are doing great is a lie. Many of us have had struggles with our kids. My DS ended up in jail. He is now a very successful adult with a great job and his own home. Hang in there, mama!
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 19, 2024 22:16:55 GMT
The feeling that everyone else's kids are doing great is a lie. Many of us have had struggles with our kids. My DS ended up in jail. He is now a very successful adult with a great job and his own home. Hang in there, mama! Thank you And thank you to everyone. 48 hours can make a lifetime of difference. We are all in a better place. Still nervous about leaving him for our cruise, but am hoping I can step away and enjoy my time. This parenting young adults is so much harder than when he was little! |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,802
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Post by purplebee on Jun 19, 2024 22:38:42 GMT
Been reading this thread, and am sending you healing vibes and hugs. Ds is almost 29 and we had a hard time raising him to responsible adulthood. He hated school, squeaked by via his last year being homeschooled. It was hard, always an argument, and incredibly frustrating b/c he is really smart.
Fast forward to this year, and after a series of very expensive job attempts (expensive for ME) - car dealership, mechanic shop, etc., which tanked during the pandemic - he has finally found his thing with Fiber Optics. He was offered a job, and learned the trade incredibly quickly on-the-job and is now doing very very well. He has been working w/FOs since late October, and is now almost ready to branch out on his own. He also has a wonderful wife, and we are very proud of him.
I went for years worrying about him and trying to help him - Dh is more of a let him fail and find out for himself type - and the load lifted from our shoulders is such a relief. Don’t give up on your son, he sounds like he wants to get his life together which is great. Enjoy your cruise, and keep us posted!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,941
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 20, 2024 14:28:29 GMT
The feeling that everyone else's kids are doing great is a lie. Many of us have had struggles with our kids. My DS ended up in jail. He is now a very successful adult with a great job and his own home. Hang in there, mama! Thank you And thank you to everyone. 48 hours can make a lifetime of difference. We are all in a better place. Still nervous about leaving him for our cruise, but am hoping I can step away and enjoy my time. This parenting young adults is so much harder than when he was little! Big kids - big problems. It's waaaaaay easier when they are little. |
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