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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 21:29:24 GMT
I have written about the struggles with my son before. We thought he was doing well and had a job with a security clearance. Making over $60k and just bought his first car which my husband co-signed for.
Found out that today he was fired for being late too often.
My husband wants to kick him out immediately. I do not because I worry about his mental health. But we are both so pissed and disappointed and I am just numb.
I feel like all his friends are graduating and moving forward. His girlfriend is attending law school in the fall. I just don’t know what to do since it is a problem he has to handle, not us.
It seems like he will never be a responsible adult. I know that’s likely not true, but damnit I’m so tired of him lying to us and me constantly in a state of distrust and sadness.
I know I’m not alone. He can’t join the military because he is in anti-depressants because that was something my husband and I agreed would be a good option. I’m just so sad.
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Post by librarylady on Jun 17, 2024 21:32:40 GMT
I am sad with you. I have no wisdom, but can certainly understand your disappointment.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,924 
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jun 17, 2024 21:43:47 GMT
I'm sorry. That's a difficult position to be in, for all of you.
Has he always had trouble with timekeeping? It's obviously a big problem, because employees who are competent otherwise don't get fired from good jobs without warnings and chances to improve. I wonder whether the medication is quite right for him.
Hugs mama. I hope this is the kick that he needs for him to get his act together.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jun 17, 2024 21:46:12 GMT
I’m sorry, that is hard. Sometimes kids just take a while to find their way.
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Post by gar on Jun 17, 2024 21:49:43 GMT
I’m so sorry…I can quite imagine how disappointed you feel. I wish I could offer you words of insight or wisdom.
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Post by flanz on Jun 17, 2024 21:53:57 GMT
I am very sorry as well. What a rough road you're traveling. How old is your son?
I agree that maybe his meds need adjusting. Wishing you and him the very best of luck. ((( hugs )))
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 21:57:50 GMT
I am very sorry as well. What a rough road you're traveling. How old is your son? I agree that maybe his meds need adjusting. Wishing you and him the very best of luck. ((( hugs ))) He is 22. Old enough to be young and old enough to not lie and shirk his responsibilities . I sent a message to his therapist that he has gone to sporadically asking for a family session. My husband refuses but I am going to go because I need it and he needs it. |
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,805
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Post by valincal on Jun 17, 2024 22:04:14 GMT
I’m so sorry…you must be heartbroken in addition to all the other emotions swirling about!! Parenting is damn tough. He is still fairly young so hang in there mom. I agree that meeting with the therapist together is a good idea. Get his motivations and thought process out there in front of you and an impartial party. Take care.
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Post by KelleeM on Jun 17, 2024 22:06:09 GMT
I’m so sorry. I hope things look up soon.
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Jun 17, 2024 22:10:55 GMT
I am so very sorry. Does your son seem upset/remorseful over losing his job? If not then for sure address that if you do have a session with his therapist.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 22:18:32 GMT
I am so very sorry. Does your son seem upset/remorseful over losing his job? If not then for sure address that if you do have a session with his therapist. Yes but he is always seeming remorseful when we find out about lies. He will continue them as long as he can until we are a point of no return. |
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Post by nightnurse on Jun 17, 2024 22:25:35 GMT
I am 50. I’m still late to work more often than I am not. I am not a morning person and never will be. All the jobs I had that required me to be there at 7 were torture and I never adjusted. I am lucky to work in patient so my arrival time isn’t as important as it was when I was bedside nurse or it would be if I had an office of scheduled visits. My schedule is now flexible enough that I come in somewhere between 9-930 and just stay at the other end to make sure I get my 8 hours in. He made to find a job that works with his circadian rhythm because for some of us, getting up and ready every morning at 8 is not as easy as people think it is or should be. I know my parents always thought I was just lazy. 22 is still really young and the world is not made for people who don’t fit the typical mold. He will find his way. I know it’s so hard in the meantime.
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Post by flanz on Jun 17, 2024 22:29:56 GMT
I am very sorry as well. What a rough road you're traveling. How old is your son? I agree that maybe his meds need adjusting. Wishing you and him the very best of luck. ((( hugs ))) He is 22. Old enough to be young and old enough to not lie and shirk his responsibilities . I sent a message to his therapist that he has gone to sporadically asking for a family session. My husband refuses but I am going to go because I need it and he needs it. That sounds like a great next step. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 22:32:07 GMT
I am 50. I’m still late to work more often than I am not. I am not a morning person and never will be. All the jobs I had that required me to be there at 7 were torture and I never adjusted. I am lucky to work in patient so my arrival time isn’t as important as it was when I was bedside nurse or it would be if I had an office of scheduled visits. My schedule is now flexible enough that I come in somewhere between 9-930 and just stay at the other end to make sure I get my 8 hours in. He made to find a job that works with his circadian rhythm because for some of us, getting up and ready every morning at 8 is not as easy as people think it is or should be. I know my parents always thought I was just lazy. 22 is still really young and the world is not made for people who don’t fit the typical mold. He will find his way. I know it’s so hard in the meantime. He didn’t have to be there until 10am and was STILL late! That makes it even more frustrating. |
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Post by ntsf on Jun 17, 2024 22:44:07 GMT
you might have him talk to doctor about getting tested for anything like adhd.. and 22 is young and he can recover. he has a chance to reinvent himself. he needs to find a job where this may not be such an issue.
it is frustrating, but i would have non accusatory conversations about how he will deal with this, how he plans to change. or go in other direction.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,268
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Jun 17, 2024 22:48:26 GMT
My niece is like this and she is 24. She is a teacher and her contract wasn't renewed so she was basically fired. Her parents enable the shit out of her and even had her move back home while paying for her apartment so that they could wake her up to go to class.
She now has a new job down the street from her parents and is talking about moving in with a friend. I'm not sure how successful she's going to be without parental help. She's VERY young for her age and has learning differences which I'm sure come into play.
I don't have any answers for you but I know how disappointed you must be. I would not put up with lying at all.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 22:49:44 GMT
you might have him talk to doctor about getting tested for anything like adhd.. and 22 is young and he can recover. he has a chance to reinvent himself. he needs to find a job where this may not be such an issue. it is frustrating, but i would have non accusatory conversations about how he will deal with this, how he plans to change. or go in other direction. He has adhd He has depression and anxiety He refuses adhd meds He takes the other meds We have had these conversations before and he promises things will get better and then he lies and something awful happens and our world comes crashing down. It is like an awful spiral we are in. When we think things are okay (this job has been for over a year) then we get blindsided. It is so tiring and frustrating. We would do anything for him but he will never ask for help or let us in. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 17, 2024 22:57:28 GMT
I'm really sorry that this is happening. I can understand your feelings of sadness and disappointment.
What I can't understand is why your husband is so quick to jump to the kick-him-out "solution" again, and is not prepared to go to a family therapy session. It sounds like he has just written his off son off. I'm glad you're still looking at ways to help your son, even though I'm sure you must feel like you're at the end of your tether.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 17, 2024 23:03:03 GMT
I'm really sorry that this is happening. I can understand your feelings of sadness and disappointment. What I can't understand is why your husband is so quick to jump to the kick-him-out "solution" again, and is not prepared to go to a family therapy session. It sounds like he has just written his off son off. I'm glad you're still looking at ways to help your son, even though I'm sure you must feel like you're at the end of your tether. Because he is mad it is happening again. He feels like he will never change because he knows he has a place and everything will be taken care of. We have been lied to so many times that no matter what, we feel he is lying which is an awful place for all of us to be. But when the lies come to light, we are just so upset that we were right. He knew what was happening last Wednesday . He went to work and stayed in the garage so it would appear he was there. Did the same thing the last time he lost a job so we would t know. My husband works at the bigger agency nearby and so he is embarrassed that in a way he lost a job where he is. My husband is done because nothing seems to change. He is a good dad and always has been, but we are both exhausted dealing with an adult we can’t trust. It’s almost like an addict-you can tell they are lying because they are talking. That is what it is like with our son. I know there are worse things he could be doing, but damnit this was a good job and all he had to do was get himself there by 10! |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 17, 2024 23:11:07 GMT
shescrafty I am sorry if I sounded insensitive and dismissive. It's easy for me to rail against your husband, because I'm not actually living it. I really can understand how frustrated you both must be, as well as disappointed. It hurts my mama heart (and yours too, I'm sure) to think about kicking my son out, but perhaps it really is time to do that. Hopefully your son would swim and not sink.
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Post by trixiecat on Jun 18, 2024 1:10:52 GMT
I just to say I feel for you. We have been there and done that with our son not finding his way, keeping each job for 1-2 months at the most from 18-22. Finally at 22 he found something he was comfortable with and is doing well there. He moved out and our relationship has improved. My son also has/had anxiety and ADHD and at 18 stopped taking all of his meds. He is young.
I posted something a few weeks ago about my daughter's boyfriend who is 22 and not working and my husband possibly talking to him. Someone else recently was talking about their son and the one thing that has stuck with me is how it takes some people longer to get where they should be.
How deep does the lying go? Is he just lying because he is ashamed he lost his job or does it go deeper?
I am sorry you are going through this.
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Post by peasapie on Jun 18, 2024 1:17:33 GMT
I’m sorry. It must be a very difficult time for all of you. It might seem like all his friends are on their way but life is never a straight line.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 18, 2024 1:17:51 GMT
you might have him talk to doctor about getting tested for anything like adhd.. and 22 is young and he can recover. he has a chance to reinvent himself. he needs to find a job where this may not be such an issue. it is frustrating, but i would have non accusatory conversations about how he will deal with this, how he plans to change. or go in other direction. He has adhd He has depression and anxiety He refuses adhd meds He takes the other meds We have had these conversations before and he promises things will get better and then he lies and something awful happens and our world comes crashing down. It is like an awful spiral we are in. When we think things are okay (this job has been for over a year) then we get blindsided. It is so tiring and frustrating. We would do anything for him but he will never ask for help or let us in. I too was wondering if it had something to do with ADHD. The lying would really get to me too. I don’t blame you for wanted to go to the family therapy session. I’d want to learn what I need to do to stop enabling him to keep doing what he’s doing. |
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Post by ntsf on Jun 18, 2024 1:18:52 GMT
therapy for all of you.. and good idea to go to therapist for family session.. what does therapist suggest? my kid did this stuff (the lying) til in her 30's.. and she grew up. but she also can't work.
hugs and best of luck.. as maddening as it all is, I would try to be solutions oriented.. cause he knows he screwed up and probably is not sure how to solve it. meds would certainly help. but how to get there I don't know.
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Post by monicad on Jun 18, 2024 1:23:17 GMT
I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much and are such a good mom. ((Hugs))
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Post by jill8909 on Jun 18, 2024 1:44:04 GMT
I am so very sorry. Parenting an adult is so so much harder than a child, at least for those of us "lucky" enough to have difficult kids. It's so easy to say throw him out, isn't it? I have no ideas. Stay strong. the fact that he has a gf is actually a good sign. there's hope mama
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Post by Merge on Jun 18, 2024 1:50:48 GMT
Honestly I would go back to his psych doctor or find a different one. Our DDs diagnosis and meds have changed so many times. I swear the doctors don’t know what to do with older adolescents/young adults because so many behaviors could either be pathological or just a young person being a young person.
Ours has had issues with self-sabotage in jobs, where she feels overwhelmed so she does something that will cause them to let her go. She’s also had issues with getting up on time, to the point where we got her an extra alarm clock that sits across the room (she will turn off her phone alarm and go back to sleep nine times out of ten).
Hugs to you. It’s so hard when your young adult kid isn’t thriving the way everyone else’s seems to be. I really recommend going back to the doctor and seeing if they still feel sure about his diagnoses and medications.
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Post by worrywart on Jun 18, 2024 2:49:38 GMT
He should probably do a trial run of even a low dose adhd med to see if it helps.
I can totally relate to your heartache and disappointment as well as your (and dh) frustration. The family therapy is a good idea, he may possibly open up some and you can all find a path forward. Hugs to you - please remember that there are MANY other parents facing similar situations and frustrations - you are not alone.
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 18, 2024 3:26:04 GMT
Honestly I would go back to his psych doctor or find a different one. Our DDs diagnosis and meds have changed so many times. I swear the doctors don’t know what to do with older adolescents/young adults because so many behaviors could either be pathological or just a young person being a young person. Ours has had issues with self-sabotage in jobs, where she feels overwhelmed so she does something that will cause them to let her go. She’s also had issues with getting up on time, to the point where we got her an extra alarm clock that sits across the room (she will turn off her phone alarm and go back to sleep nine times out of ten). Hugs to you. It’s so hard when your young adult kid isn’t thriving the way everyone else’s seems to be. I really recommend going back to the doctor and seeing if they still feel sure about his diagnoses and medications. This is him so much. Alarms going off all over and he will sleep right through it. It is maddening. So many of his friends are graduating college. We thought he had found his own path with this job and it came crashing down again. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 18, 2024 4:13:01 GMT
My husband is back to being in a rage. Neither of us can sleep and he is pissed about everything our life is and the stress of our son. It has turned into what my family did or didn’t do during our daughter’s illness and subsequent death, and everything spiraling out from there.
I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
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