huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,443 
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Post by huskergal on Aug 7, 2024 12:41:11 GMT
What are your thoughts on this?
I have a 28 year old son who is married and has a house. I have a 27 year old daughter who is single, has a good paying job, no student loan debt, and lots of money in the bank. I have a 25 year old daughter who has a 4 year old daughter. No father in the picture. She lives with us. She doesn't pay rent. We watch our granddaughter at least 3 nights a week while she works. She is going to school to finish her degree. We have a 22 year old son who will graduate from college this year.
If I invite my children to go out to eat for an event, a birthday, etc. I will pay. If we go somewhere together, I expect them to pay. For instance, my oldest daughter and I went to a concert this summer. She paid for the ticket. We went out to eat before the concert. She paid for the meal. If I/we go out with our son who is in college, I always pay for everything. I also did when the others were students.
I rarely went out with my parents when I was an adult so I don't really have an example.
Do you pay for your adult children or do they pay?
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Post by littlemama on Aug 7, 2024 12:58:01 GMT
We pay for our adult son.
I would never expect him to pay for our meal.
My mom still pays for us most of the time. My inlaws (who have a ton of money) have never paid for us.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,261
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Aug 7, 2024 13:03:05 GMT
My DS makes significantly more than I do, is married, and part of a two-income household, whereas I support myself. We usually take turns paying when I visit or he comes here, but I wish he would offer to pay for more. My finances are pretty stretched thin but we try to keep it even.
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Post by gar on Aug 7, 2024 13:06:06 GMT
It depends on the occasion and sometimes just the day. One DD is married, the other will be next year, they all earn well so if we're all together (9 of us inc kids) the men tend to take turns or split it. If we're out with a DD without her other half we'll probably pay for her.
But on the whole it's very causal and I don't think I could really say this or that always happens.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 7, 2024 13:14:15 GMT
Two adult children. One is married with a toddler lives in own house. One lives at home. And a 16 year old (we always pay for her).
It really all depends. Sometimes we split it up, sometimes they pay, sometimes we pay. It really all depends on cash flow. It has gotten so expensive to eat out especially if all of us go together. It will be at least $100. That is between 5-6 of us not including the toddler.
If we plan on paying for everyone we let them know, otherwise usually we spilt it up.
If it is just like two of us.. maybe my son and I, we take turns.
We are pretty open about it.
Edited: When I was a young adult, even now (with my mom).. parents always paid. They had way better income than I did at the time.
Even now my mom pays. But we usually spilt a meal. ACTUALLY, I take that back, I have been paying more now than before. She always says she is going to pay, but I try to beat her as much as possible.
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Post by gramasue on Aug 7, 2024 13:21:12 GMT
My initial reaction about your DD with the 4-year-old daughter was that if someone watches your kid while you're working, you should pay something for the babysitting, but then I got to the part where she is studying to finish her degree. Okay, that gives her a pass, IMO. If she is continuing her studies, she needs all the help she can get and I'm sure spending time with your little DGD is more of a pleasure for you and DH than a burden.
We usually pay if we all go out for lunch with kids and grandkids who are also adults. Why? Because we can and we want to, but we would not appreciate it if we ever got the impression that they just expected us to pay. That has never happened, though, and each and every one of them is always very gracious about thanking us. We have never taken into account what their income is compared to ours.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 7, 2024 13:32:58 GMT
We almost never went out to eat with MIL, but when we did it was for a birthday (her kids, their spouses or the grandkids, mostly SIL’s kids because MIL passed a month after my kid turned one) or some other holiday celebration that she wanted to go out for, so she paid. If it was for MIL’s birthday, once we were adults we usually split the bill with SIL. MIL was very well off and back in the day we were living pretty much paycheck to paycheck so we couldn’t really afford to pay for everybody (MIL, SIL, her DH, their two kids and us) if we all went out together at her request.
I can’t even remember a time when we went out to dinner with my mom as adults, it just didn’t happen especially in her later years. We never even went to McDonald’s when we were kids, and she and my dad almost never went out together either. It was a really, really rare occurrence.
At this stage of life if our parents were still alive, we would probably pick up the check ourselves. More likely though we would host something ourselves at home because it’s just easier.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,072
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Post by pinklady on Aug 7, 2024 13:38:57 GMT
My parents always pay when we do anything together. I've tried to pay for them but it turns into a semi-argument which is mind boggling because my mom used to go thru the same thing with her dad when she tried to pay. So I've kind of given up trying. I am an only child so maybe that makes a difference because they aren't paying for a large number of people. However, when it's one on one with my dad, it's easier to sneak in paying because he slow at getting his money out.  |
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 7, 2024 13:41:25 GMT
If we go out to eat we usually pay for DS. When on vacation he needs to pay for his share of the hotel and 1 meal out. He can choose the place he pays for so it matches his budget. He knows this going in, so can plan accordingly. DS lives with us and makes good money. He pays 1/3 of the mortgage and utilities. That was the agreement when we purchased the house for him to continue to live with us.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,808
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Post by ellen on Aug 7, 2024 13:43:01 GMT
I recently told my 27 year old daughter that we have reached the point in our relationship where we split the checks at restaurants. She needed to be flat out told.
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Post by gar on Aug 7, 2024 13:54:49 GMT
However, when it's one on one with my dad, it's easier to sneak in paying because he slow at getting his money out.  Exactly the same with mine. Dh will just quietly go pay (Dad probably thinks he's gone to the gents) then he's always wanting to pay when the waitress comes to the table and she tells him it's all settled  |
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 8,559
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Aug 7, 2024 13:58:09 GMT
My Dad insists on paying for food for my family of 5 pretty much anytime we go out to eat. The only exception is Father's Day. My Mom and her husband allow us to pay about 50/50. When we go out with MIL and her husband, it's about 50/50 of who pays, too. I think that is partly because they are both retired (with lots of medical issues) and we are no longer a newlywed couple with tiny babies. I think the situation can and should depend on financial situations for everyone involved.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,261
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Aug 7, 2024 14:05:06 GMT
My parents are on a fixed income and when we go out, I pay most of the time. If I want a second glass of wine, I'd rather pay for it myself than feel badly that I'm upping their bill. It just gives me more freedom in what I can order and I'm happy to do it.
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Post by melanell on Aug 7, 2024 14:13:22 GMT
We do just as you mentioned---if we invite, then we pay. If we together decide it would be fun to go somewhere, then we tend to pay separately. And the same holds true for me, even now, with my parents. Sometimes my dad just really likes to be able to invite us somewhere and foot the bill. I think it makes him feel good to be able to be the dad treating his kids sometimes, kwim? I think it's fine to treat or not, as long as people are always aware of which situation is in place from the get-go.  |
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Post by grammadee on Aug 7, 2024 14:19:50 GMT
For out of town family: if we go out when there, they pay. If it is here, we pay. For family in the same town, it often depends on who has invited whom. If a drive is involved, usually the person not driving pays for gas.
We have a tradition that for birthdays or anniversaries, the person who is celebrating invites the others and then pays for the meal or event.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 7, 2024 14:29:34 GMT
we have three adult children.. one on ssi, one currently unemployed and trying to catch up financially, one just graduated from college and is newly employed.
we always pay. we have so much more in resources and are happy to do so. we paid when we took our parents out too when they were alive. it really affects us very little and it would have an impact on them if they paid.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 7, 2024 14:31:59 GMT
We still pay for meals and event tickets when out with our young adults (27 & 25). They are both finished school, working and great savers but haven't fully launched yet. DD was on her own for 2+ years and back home to save for her own place. If they have a friend along we will pay for their meals, too, and make it clear from the beginning that it is our treat so there is no awkwardness when the check comes.
We also pay for any vacation where we are choosing the location, accommodation, etc.
My parents paid until my siblings and I were launched into well paying jobs and I'm sure things will transition to an extent with our kids. We paid if out with my parents mostly because it is always our decision to go out and we pick the place. We try pick up the tab with MIL but sometimes have a fight about it, especially if any of DH's siblings or niblings are with us as they always expect MIL to pay. DH learned a long time ago it was easiest just to quietly take care of the check before it came to the table.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 7, 2024 14:34:49 GMT
My adult kids are 18 and 22 so my answer is “I pay for them” but I don’t have a long-range plan.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 26, 2024 3:45:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2024 14:40:10 GMT
Hubby and I always pay when we go out to eat with our girls. My parents still pay for us when we go out with them. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 7, 2024 14:53:38 GMT
When she visits, my mom and stepdad usually take us out to eat one meal of the weekend. I cook the rest. When our college kids are home we pay for their meals if we go out to eat or another activity. I’m not sure how we will handle it when they are working (and probably making more money than we do).
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Post by katlady on Aug 7, 2024 15:00:07 GMT
Well, I am Asian and the stereotypical thing we do is fight for the bill. 😂 Even my mom always tries to pay for our meals. We have “fought” Uncles and Aunties for the bill. So, yes, we always try to pay for our kids meals when we go out to eat. They have paid for us too though.
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,404
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Post by DEX on Aug 7, 2024 15:03:58 GMT
I remember when I was working and I could afford to pick up the tab for dinner for my parents. I felt a lot of pride and a sense of being an adult. I am glad my folks were flexible.
I will usually pick up the tab for my son and his family but I don’t resist if he wants to pay. My DIL ‘s mother insists on always paying and proudly exclaims that she never paid for a meal while her father was alive. In her case I think it is a control thing.
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Post by mom on Aug 7, 2024 15:09:19 GMT
Two adults children (23, 25) that are both unmarried and both, while employed, don't make much money.
We pay for everything if they are with us. And we pay if we take my Dad out to go do something as well.
We do not pay for any of their bills other than they are on our cell phone family plan.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 7, 2024 15:17:40 GMT
One of mine is still in college, other just graduated. We pay and intend to keep paying for a while. We also pay for vacations when we invite them to come with us (if they're doing their own thing obviously, they pay). The one exception is if they invite us and want to treat us - mother's or father's day or my daughter just treated after we helped her move. I guess we can reevaluate when the have spouses and/or kids, but I'm happy to keep treating.
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Post by needmysanity on Aug 7, 2024 15:26:00 GMT
We pay for our youngest who is 24 and living at home. He just got his first "real job" so that may change a bit. He does pay rent and for all of his expenses already.
When my oldest and his wife come to visit, we cover anything we do with them. They pay for their air fare out, and then the rest is on us unless it's something like extra food or souvenirs—then they pay for that.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 7, 2024 15:50:59 GMT
The older/oldest generation in my family nearly always pays. My grandparents paid for my parents and us kids, my mom still pays for me & siblings & grands, I pay for my adult kids. That’s just how we’ve always done it. We do pick up the tab for my 95yo mom once in a while and she’s always shocked. |
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,239
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Post by pilcas on Aug 7, 2024 15:53:00 GMT
My daughter is 25. She lives at home. She doesn’t pay rent but pays all her expenses. My son is almost 25, he lives in another city and visits about once a month. When they were kids Saturday was our day to do things with them and we usually ate out. We kept the tradition of eating lunch out on Saturdays with or without them. My daughter will usually join us for lunch if she has no other plans and my husband will always pay. When my son visits we will go out to eat with him as well. My daughter will usually treat us on Mothers and Father’s Day.
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Post by krcrafts on Aug 7, 2024 15:53:35 GMT
We almost always pay. We are able to afford it easier than they are and we enjoy spoiling them as we remember how it was being young. Plus my parents always did the same for us.
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Post by smasonnc on Aug 7, 2024 16:05:32 GMT
My parents always pay when we do anything together. I've tried to pay for them but it turns into a semi-argument which is mind boggling because my mom used to go thru the same thing with her dad when she tried to pay. In my family, it was the grandparents. "Kids don't pay," was kind of how it went and it's like that with our kids. We pay unless instructed otherwise. Our eldest doesn't make much money, but she tries to treat us sometimes. The next two have plenty of money so they pay sometimes. The last one is in med school so we pay (and pay, and pay  ), but when she worked, she treated us sometimes. Her ever paying another check is on the distant horizon. |
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 7, 2024 16:06:36 GMT
We still pick up the check. Our 27 year old and his fiancé are saving for a house and wedding and our 23 year old just finished college. Dh is likely to try and pick up any check anywhere. He’s known to pay for strangers if he overhears a group of teachers or retirees at the table next to us.
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), but when she worked, she treated us sometimes. Her ever paying another check is on the distant horizon.