Paying for Adult Children

My boys are 25 and working in their chosen careers. They still live at home but I imagine in the next year or so one or both will start looking. We don't charge them rent, but they pay their own bills. My husband will treat them to a meal out, maybe once a month or so. They will treat him once in a great while. My daughter is 19 and in college. Even her brothers treat her out. They're very close and won't let her pay a dime. She's working an internship this summer, then she ll go back to the Y on weekends. College is close, in our town, and she lives at home.

Ds23 is on his 3rd day with his first job out of college. And it is half way across the country from us. He is certainly feeling very grown up 😄. In July we went on a big vacation to celebrate his graduation, we paid for all. I would imagine when we are together that we would still pay, but I know my kid will try to pay ahead or scoop the bill when it comes. For his whole life, whenever we went somewhere where something needed to be paid for, he would thank us profusely. And when he'd had money from his birthday, he always asked if he could take us to lunch with it. We let him buy lunch a few times, but we always emphasized the need to save his money. I imagine we will pay for meals always. 

My parents always pay when we go out with them unless someone managed to scoop my dad. I can only remember going out to dinner with my in-laws one time. And though I'm sure they were intending to pay, it didn't quite workout that way. I was pregnant and we went to a very nice prix fixe French restaurant. Each course came with wine, but I couldn't have any, so my fil was taking my glasses. What we didn't realize was he was also drinking most of mil wine too. Bottom line he got very drunk - he was not a drinker to speak of. When we realized it, I hurriedly paid while dh helped him out of the restaurant. We got back to our house where my fil proceed to throw up in our bathtub and between bouts would ask us to take him back to the restaurant so he could pay.😂 The incident was never spoken about again.

DS26 and I rarely eat out together as he still lives with me, but when we do, we either pay our own, or he insists on paying. Last time I visited DD29 and her wife, they bought dinner one evening, and unusually let me buy it the next. If we go out for food when they visit me, they always pay. In my defence, I live on a tight pension, while between them, DD and her wife have a monthly net income over six times the size of mine! 😄

DH and I always pay when we are out with our girls. We can afford it more than they can (even though 2 of them make more than me--one just bought a house and the other is saving for one). We often pay for events as well, but that is because we don't all get together very often, and we like to treat them when we can. So if we are going to a movie, a concert, a baseball game, etc., DH and I usually pick up the tab.

My "kids" are DD (32), DD (25), and DS (23).  

DD (32) is married and has three kids of her own (10, 9, and 3). We don't get together as often as I'd like, but when we do it's normally either just me and her or me, her, and her boys. (Her DH is usually working.) And I generally pay because I'm in a much better place financially than she is for the time being. She will offer to pay sometimes when she's able to. But I never let her pay for me. Maybe some day when we're all older and she doesn't have as many expenses. 

DD (25) lives with her BF. They have no kids, so it's just the two of them. His father owns the condo they live in so she doesn't pay rent of any kind. Her only necessary expenses are utilities and food. She's got a good job and does pretty well for herself. I will still pay for her most of the time when we go out, but sometimes she will insist on paying for both of us. So I let her sometimes because she likes to do it and I know she can afford it. 

DS (23) is in college. He's tighter on money than either of the other two.  I usually pay when we go out, although he does offer to cover himself from time to time. 

On the rare occasion we're able to go out as a group (all three "kids", DH and myself) either DH or I will pick up the bill. 

Having said all that, I am living by example, I guess. My father STILL does not let me pay for anything when we go out. It's hilarious when he, my brother, and I all go out together because we're all fighting over who's going to get the bill. But most of the time he wins (unless my brother grabs it first). I rarely get the chance when I'm with both of them.

Jen

We pay when we invite the kids (27 and 21) to do stuff. DD is a resident in her first year and money is tight. She has a serious BF that I sense will end in marriage; he is a resident and will be a doctor too. At some point she (they) will out earn us and we may reconsider the pay arrangement at some point. My DS makes good money but lives at home and is considering going back to school (fingers crossed), so we’ll see what the future brings.

We had gotten to the point that we also pay for our parents when we go out with them. That crossed over sometime when I was in my 30s and the kids were getting older.

My kids are in their 40s now, so we tend to take turns. When they were just out of college, DH and I always paid.

My parents always paid when we were younger. My in-laws rarely paid. It became a family joke after FIL died, that MIL NEVER paid. She was well off, BTW.

Mine aren't quite to adulthood yet, so I'm reading this with interest.

I suspect we'll pay for both kids for quite a while, yet. DS is looking at college and probably some grad school, so we'd expect to pay there. And DD will not have a high paying job, at least not for a good while. In fact, she plans on living at home for a while, at least until she can meet some people and find a possible roommate or something. We've started drafting a budget plan for then, trying to balance supporting her but not carrying her, if you know what I mean. (Contribute to food, utilities, pay some token "rent," etc. - but don't defeat the purpose of living at home, either.) Particularly since she isn't planning on college, just tossing her out into tight budget world with no support would be extremely difficult for her, so we want to help her develop those skills further.

I feel like I’d like to explain myself on this one. My daughter thinks nothing of ordering a $10 mimosa or adding on an appetizer. When I paid for her $30 bingo cards and the first drinks at a local bar, she was surprised when I said at intermission that she could get the next beers. She had just won $75! She makes way more money than her dad and I ever made as public school teachers and we paid for her college and a car. We set her up. When I was ordering a plain coffee at a coffee shop and she was trying to figure out which $6 coffee to get and deciding if she should get a bagel, I just ran my card and paid for my own.  She said, “What? You’re my mom!” She’s a brat and needed to get called out. 

On the whole she is a kind and generous person, but I don’t like going out to eat with her.

We pay.

My parents still pay for all of of us when they take us out, kids and grandkids alike.

I'm 52 and despite being independent since I was 18 my mom insists on paying whenever we go out somewhere. She says it's the way she pays me for doing things for her. Of course, I don't want her to pay me for the things I do for her, but, again, she insists. DH's parents do the same thing.

We have 2 adult sons (one is 29 and one is 28), and we pay for them whenever we go out together. That's are rare event though. Older DS is busy with work, etc. and younger DS has autism and hates going out in public very often as the noise stresses him out. I'd pay every day if they'd go. I miss hanging out with them.

I just want to affirm you in that I have seen this play out with family members and it really can go south when an adult child can and will put their parents in a poor financial state because of their own entitlement and/or expectations.  I think setting boundaries and expectations is good for everyone in the short and long term.  I think helping adult children know what they can expect and set expectations on transitions that may and will happen related to financial support.  I think some kids just come with expectations, assumptions and a sense of entitlement and other don't.  Sometimes it is due to experiences but other times it is just their mindset.  I am sorry you are navigating this, but also support you 100% in setting healthy boundaries.

We have a 21 and 18 year old in college so both are still on our dime, but we have already been chatting about expectations a bit with our oldest.  Both always show gratitude for meals, purchases, etc.  I had a boutique owner comment one time when I was buying my daughter a dress for sorority rush.  My daughter was thanking me for buying the dress and the owner told me she rarely hears that any more.  That said, she is definitely used to saving her $$$ and mostly spending ours (she is still in school full time) so she will have a big transition ahead of her when it all comes out of her paycheck.  

I think with inflation what it is, it is even harder as young adults try to be independent to be able to cover expenses and save AND I think many of them have unrealistic expectations of what are essential expenses.  

Like many here, our intention is to continue to buy dinners/cost shared family experiences, support them in first year out of college with a place to live if they are in town, and help them transition into independence.  We do feel really strongly that taking ownership and seeing themselves as capable of supporting themselves is the ideal end game for their own sense of self.  But dinners and fun families experiences are great opportunities to "treat" them and I am sure we will as long as we can.

And I will add, I pay for traveling to see my mom and most of the meals when we visit.  She lives on a fixed income.  My in laws it is a mix and really we are happy to cover meals at this stage.
 

In the last five years as I've finally made enough money to pay my bills + have "extra" left over, I've tried to pay for my parents (mom) as much as I can when we go out together. My mom will often join my husband, kids, and me for a local activity and we always drive & pay for her. My mom usually drives and pays for my sister & niece if they go somewhere together, and my parents watch my niece for free while my sister and her husband work. My husband's parents are deceased so I don't know what they would do but my former ILs were notoriously cheap.

The only time I go out with my parents (and the rest of my immediate family) for a meal is Mothers' Day, and my parents pay for that. Last year, my parents offered to take everyone on a trip to FL for Fall Break but my sister asked to go on a different trip so my mom + my husband + my 2 kids + me went to FL. My parents paid for the plane tickets, the rental house, & the rental vehicle. My husband and I drove the rental vehicle + paid for all of our meals and entertainment/museums/souvenirs while we were there. As far as I know, my parents paid for everything on the trip they took my sister & her family on. For reference, my sister & her husband make about $200K a year while my husband & I make about $90K a year.

I don't think you need to explain yourself at all! Even though I always pay for the 19yo and sometimes pay for the 26yo, I am surprised that so many Peas always pay for their adult kids. I don't think there's anything wrong with adult kids paying their own way for dinners out. Especially if they earn more than we do!!