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Post by hopechest on Aug 30, 2024 17:29:55 GMT
Before I begin - I love my husband. He is a genuinely kind man. He also is ADHD, which lends some challenges in the executive function department.
For the last 15 years we've been together, I generally take over all the things. I just started therapy as I found myself being angrier and angrier and pointing that at him, but really is my own issues of not setting proper boundries and just letting stuff go. I don't have to be a martyr. I'm working on letting the adults in my house be adults and take care of their own things. I'm also having my kiddo pitch in more. There is no reason everyone in our house can't help with the care and feeding of the family.
That being said --
Yesterday my husband announced that he would like to have people over for Labor Day. I first gave him the look that said "ohmygod we can't. I haven't deep cleaned, we haven't invited anyone and it's 3 days away, what are we cooking, I haven't shopped, ohmygod". You know the one. He pipped up and said -- I can take care of it and I just simply agreed. I said, that would be great.
So I'm putting this out in "public" to keep myself accountable. I will not take this away from him. I will let him have a get together. These are close friends/siblings. There is no judgement if all we have is hot dogs and chips. It will be totally fine. If there is cat hair on the carpet, literally no one will care. I will not sabotage. I will not stress. I will ask nicely for him to let me know what I can do to help and do those things to the best of my ability. I will celebrate with our friends and family and let the day play out how it plays out. I will then be kind and appreciative when it is over and not chew on things that could have been done "my" way.
Pray for me. LOL
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Post by malibou on Aug 30, 2024 17:33:45 GMT
You got this girl!
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 30, 2024 17:34:39 GMT
Oh, I feel for you. I wish you the best of luck. Stick to your plan!
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Post by lurker on Aug 30, 2024 17:41:08 GMT
I have to admit the first thing to come to mind was the epic 2Peas thread about the husband inviting everyone for a holiday and wife let him deal with it. OP, I hope your day turns out better than that one!
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,346 
Location: Colorado
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Post by snyder on Aug 30, 2024 17:44:30 GMT
I totally understand. Hugs! Prayers for strength as I know it will be very hard.
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Post by Linda on Aug 30, 2024 17:57:16 GMT
(((Hugs))) It's hard to let go of that control but do do your best to let the chips fall where they fall.
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Post by annie on Aug 30, 2024 18:06:02 GMT
As a fellow ADHD spouse, good plan!
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 30, 2024 18:30:21 GMT
I have an inviter living at my house as well. My husband used to tell me it was no big deal having company over (for a week). I said it was a lot of work. So I told him if he was going to invite his family (usually large quantities of family), he would be responsible for cleaning prior, meal planning, grocery shopping, entertainment, laundry, breakfast and lunch. I'd take care of dinner. I have held to it for about 10 years. I think his family is a little disappointed in the meals, but oh, well.
OP, don't give into temptation to organize and carry out anything. Be a helper if needed, but inviters need to be responsible. I would make sure the house was picked up and tidy.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 30, 2024 18:34:15 GMT
Great attitude! I love this time of year because if there is a little dust or cobwebs around, I tell people I'm getting an early start on Halloween.  |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 30, 2024 18:34:27 GMT
(((Hugs)))
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 30, 2024 19:19:31 GMT
I have to admit the first thing to come to mind was the epic 2Peas thread about the husband inviting everyone for a holiday and wife let him deal with it. OP, I hope your day turns out better than that one! First thing I thought of! hahaha OP, I hope it's a lovely day! |
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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 30, 2024 19:22:23 GMT
You've got it! As a wife of someone who recently was diagnosed ADHD (there was no surprise there for me) it has been interesting to watch him learn about things about himself I have known about him 6 months after we started dating 27 years ago.
I will be watching for updates!!
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Post by Zee on Aug 30, 2024 19:41:28 GMT
I'm feeling stressed out on your behalf! It's the cleaning that gets me. I start seeing every single tiny thing and freak out about it.
I don't care about the rest but that sets me over the edge. If you at least get to vacuum and clean the bathrooms to your satisfaction, that should be good enough I would think! I definitely wouldn't stress over the menu though.
Actually that's a lie, I would have to supervise the drinks, snacks, desserts, and condiments.
My God, I hope you come back and update just to relieve my own stress about this!
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Aug 30, 2024 19:57:06 GMT
I am the same way as you. I am extremely organized, so I end up planning things.
I have worked very hard at >> stepping back and not taking over (especially if something is not being done, the way *I* would do it).
I would do a general cleaning (straighten up the common spaces, clean the guest bathroom, run the vacuum, sweep).
I would ask for a grocery list and do the shopping(or accompany him to the store).....adding whatever I think is needed to supplement whatever your husband has planned (a fruit assortment container or two, cans of baked beans, a few liters or 12-packs of soda, ready made sides from the deli (coleslaw, macaroni salad, etc...), a few boxes of ice cream sandwiches, more chips, etc...).
Let him do the majority of set up and clean up.
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Post by sunnyd on Aug 30, 2024 20:12:09 GMT
We are the same person! I would go into complete manic mode cleaning, menu planning, shopping, meal prepping, cooking, etc. and I would likely hate everyone in my path until the party starts.  Good for you for seeking therapy and setting your boundaries. Sending love and good vibes your way to stick to your plan. |
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Post by lisae on Aug 30, 2024 20:37:35 GMT
One word - Xanax.
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Aug 30, 2024 20:39:46 GMT
I don't think I could do it. When I was married, we would have impromptu get togethers but only when I knew the fridge was stocked and the house looked decent.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,341
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Aug 30, 2024 21:46:32 GMT
Just remember to keep breathing, 👍🏻😄
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Post by MorellisCupcake on Aug 30, 2024 22:47:32 GMT
I’ll just ditto what Zee said. I’m like that too.
But I’m a little in the same boat and am currently having a gin and tonic to ignore it. DH completely emptied our storage area to add custom shelving and organize. Which is fine, but he can be very leisurely about finishing projects. My basement is currently full of boxes and holiday decorations, a stack of wood is completely blocking the wine fridge (which is grounds for divorce right there!)
DH is the commissioner of a fantasy football league and invited them all here on Wednesday to do their draft. He set it up last year in the basement last year, wings and pizza and beer.
He sees no problem in being ready by Wednesday. I’m drinking gin. So it’s going well. I made plans to have dinner with a friend on Wednesday so whatever happens, happens.
Which is VERY hard for me to say. 😜
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zztop11
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
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Post by zztop11 on Aug 31, 2024 0:41:31 GMT
I think that I would give myself a little get a way. Check into a hotel the night before and then come as a guest! Not kidding.
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Post by malibou on Aug 31, 2024 1:31:06 GMT
I think that I would give myself a little get a way. Check into a hotel the night before and then come as a guest! Not kidding. You're awesome. It would be epic if you came swanning in looking like the lady in hopechest avatar. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 31, 2024 4:09:01 GMT
I have an inviter too but he’s not ADHD, he just doesn’t care if the place looks a mess. In fact, any time we do have a gathering planned for people to come to the house, on the day of the party you can usually find him cleaning and organizing…THE GARAGE, where no one will be!  Every.Single.Time. Meanwhile, I’m seeing all the windows and patio doors smudged with dog nose art, tumbleweeds of dog hair along every baseboard, random specks of lint and stuff on the carpet, the hard water stains in the sinks and toilets, dust everywhere, water spots on the mirror and, and, and. It makes it really hard to not go into freak out mode thinking other people are going to notice everything I notice. |
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,097
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 31, 2024 12:12:27 GMT
My husband HAS ADHD. It is one part of the man he is. His gift makes him able to do amazing things with his brain because it is wired a little differently. For example, he is like a Dr Seuss who can say these perfectly metered little poems that rhyme perfectly, too. Then they are gone. He can’t remember them. But amazing in the moment.
No, organization is not his strong suit, but if he wanted to do a bbq, I would offer to help make a shopping list and figure out the cooking orders based on times. Help make a single crib sheet with times to set out plates and utensils, drinks, etc., start charcoal, put burgers on, put cheese on burgers, etc. then let him use the list to reduce his cognitive load as he is actually doing it. Be available to help if he asks. And be happy and enjoy it with him.
It’s a bbq. Not a coronation. It is hard to be a spouse and mother to men with AdHD. I am both. Some days are harder than others. As someone who does not have it, I find it hard to empathize and always support. It can be exhausting. But I can make things like this less worrisome and stressful for myself and I can enjoy more if I help make a plan in advance. Oh, I would also take a picture of that list. It might disappear along the the way. Always allow for backups.
Enjoy your bbq!
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 31, 2024 13:47:46 GMT
Oh, God. My anxiety is kicking in thinking of it! There is no way my late DH could have pulled off a BBQ on his own.
Keep us posted!
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Post by librarylady on Sept 3, 2024 13:41:35 GMT
How did it go yesterday?
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Sept 3, 2024 13:48:17 GMT
Yeah inquiring minds want an update!
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Post by KikiPea on Sept 3, 2024 18:52:32 GMT
Hopefully, she’s not rolled up in a ball wearing a straight jacket! 😉 I do hope the day went well, and they all had a grand ol’ time. |
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Post by hopechest on Sept 3, 2024 19:08:25 GMT
UPDATE: I am happy to report the guy pulled it off! I did step in and do a few things, but he did the majority of it himself. He did the shopping, the planning, cleaned the deck and backyard and set up all the chairs. He made the phone calls and coordinated what everyone was bringing. I was a helper in that I did vacuum the downstairs and cleaned the bathroom. I set the table with the platters needed and tablecloth and pulled out some extra chairs. I helped with the grill a bit as we had 3 rounds of food - meat, veg and shrimp. But -- he did 95% of it on his own. The guests were gracious with me, and I made sure to mention it was a DH party -- he deserved the praise. As he was making the grocery list the late afternoon the day before I did give him a giant eyeroll when he said he thought "we were in pretty good shape". He got a bit snippy with me (rightfully so) and I made sure to check my 'tude. All in all -- success. I worked on reigning in my control and he was able to do what he wanted to do and have some "success"! No Thanksgiving debacle here.  |
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Post by KikiPea on Sept 3, 2024 23:29:30 GMT
UPDATE: I am happy to report the guy pulled it off! I did step in and do a few things, but he did the majority of it himself. He did the shopping, the planning, cleaned the deck and backyard and set up all the chairs. He made the phone calls and coordinated what everyone was bringing. I was a helper in that I did vacuum the downstairs and cleaned the bathroom. I set the table with the platters needed and tablecloth and pulled out some extra chairs. I helped with the grill a bit as we had 3 rounds of food - meat, veg and shrimp. But -- he did 95% of it on his own. The guests were gracious with me, and I made sure to mention it was a DH party -- he deserved the praise. As he was making the grocery list the late afternoon the day before I did give him a giant eyeroll when he said he thought "we were in pretty good shape". He got a bit snippy with me (rightfully so) and I made sure to check my 'tude. All in all -- success. I worked on reigning in my control and he was able to do what he wanted to do and have some "success"! No Thanksgiving debacle here. That is a fantastic update. So glad you both enjoyed the day. Proud of both of you! |
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Post by compeateropeator on Sept 4, 2024 0:03:27 GMT
I’d say a successful day and great update. Glad you both enjoyed it.
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Good for you for seeking therapy and setting your boundaries. Sending love and good vibes your way to stick to your plan. 
Every.Single.Time. Meanwhile, I’m seeing all the windows and patio doors smudged with dog nose art, tumbleweeds of dog hair along every baseboard, random specks of lint and stuff on the carpet, the hard water stains in the sinks and toilets, dust everywhere, water spots on the mirror and, and, and. It makes it really hard to not go into freak out mode thinking other people are going to notice everything I notice.
