Home renovations paid through an elderly estate? *OPUpdated*

I just need to add that having a person who has dementia related care needs is not something you can handle while you “work from home”. They can deteriorate quickly and at any time and toileting, showering, feeding etc are laborious and physically demanding and very time consuming. You can’t just give someone an apple when they’ve forgotten how to swallow. You may need to hand feed them each meal. Sometimes people with dementia can also forget how to see… as in their eyes work but they are effectively blind. How is that going to fit into their work schedules? Is SIL able to provide said care without all the lifts, aids etc they have in care facilities? She could be on a fast track to ruining her own health… how will she care for her mum if she ruins her back?

Also, the mental drain of having someone with dementia constantly asking the same questions for hours and days on end is exhausting. It’s easy to think you can handle it, it is not easy to actually do it and maintain your life at the same time. Again, this is where care facilities are amazing and allow you to spend quality time with them without the daily frustrations.

Also, people with dementia can get a form of jet lag where they are up all night and asleep all day like a newborn and it can be really hard to maintain their daily schedule or get them out of this habit when you are caring on your own and/or at home. Is SIL and BIL prepared to basically be caring for an adult sized newborn with progressively higher care needs that may be in that position for one year/five years/ten years with no hope of growing out of it (if anything it will get worse?)

IMHO those who work in dementia care deserve to earn way more than they do, and I would very strongly suggest that if mum is in a good care facility you do everything you can to keep her there.

A free house, no matter what the worth, is NEVER going to equate to the cost of your mothers care. Your SIL is selling herself short to fix a short term housing problem, how will things go if she regrets it or cannot provide enough care. What then?

I haven't read the comments, but this is a hell no. If his mother has dementia, she will eventually need full time skilled nursing care. We are paying over $15k per month for our dad's care, from their assets, including the sale of their home. Many skilled nursing facilities require proof that the patient have 2 years of payments at the time of admission. After that, they will accept Medicare. If he wants his mother to have the very best care, they should sell the house and invest the proceeds in a trust account for his mother.

If there are no funds, mom ends up in whatever facility will accept her. It may not be local.

IMO, when you’re talking about dementia, It’s not a matter of IF but WHEN your MIL will need a higher level of care because the disease is progressive. $4K a month is a steal of a deal for 24 hour care, quite honestly. I think we were paying about $1500 a month for part time adult daycare (3x a week for six hours a day) and that was back around 2009. When we moved her to the nursing home a private room was around $9K per month at a very nice facility and a shared room there was about $7K per month (each resident had a private bedroom, a shared sitting room and bath). And that was over a decade ago. My neighbor had to find a place for his wife last year when her care exceeded what he was able to provide on his own. I think he said it runs around $10K a month and she’s in what’s considered the hospice part of the facility because it’s a little less expensive for the same level of care.

I ageee with all that has been stated, I have not seen anything mentioned in case SIL’s marriage doesn’t work out. Not being a Debbie Downer, It 2 middle aged newlyweds might not work out. That could leave your MIL in. a risky position.

My mother is in full time care and I am primary contact. I run everything by my sister, she is aware of every phone call I get.

Your SIL and her husband are both in this as a team against your husband; the other brother won't talk to them without his wife; please don't leave him to try to deal with this on his own. You have as much right to be involved and have an opinion as the other in-laws.

Which is why they should not move her. She needs to stay where it is now familiar to her. (Also, if they want to remodel, then I think it's on them)
I've been following this thread. My mom died almost 5 years ago from dementia. We had to move her 2 times in about 4 months as she declined very quickly and needed more care than the first facility could provide. It wasn't fun, but why move her now if they think she's already in a decline?

I am glad you are asking more and more about the legal stuff. I wish you the best of luck.

Your MIL is still alive and it is her asset.

1st it will be counted as a transfer of assets for Medicaid, should she require any long term care (which she most likely will).

I would have SIL, brother and myself sit down with an estate attorney. Just the 3 of them. No spouses. SIL should be prepared with exactly how much it costs to take care of MIL a month. Also she should be prepared with bank statements and a complete accounting. Information is power

I would also be prepared by talking to the care giver at the facility where MIL is currently located. If they have a Social Worker, even better. Talking with Primary Care doctor is also a good idea. Everyone needs to be informed as to the amount of care currently involved and the mostly scenarios before they can make informed decisions.

I am sorry but a grown man “renting” from his parents and newly married sent up red flags with me. Too many variables and everyone isn’t properly informed.

Trust me, taking care of someone with dementia isn’t easy. It isn’t something you want to do to save money or solve personal problems.

If FIL jointly owned the house with MIL wouldn't the half-brother be intitled to his 3rd of the house value?

I had POA for my mom.  I handled all things medical and financial for her.  What I couldn't do was help myself to anything.  My siblings always knew everything that was going on physically and financially.  My mom had dementia and ended up in a nursing home because neither myself nor my siblings could care for her.  Her townhome was sold when she could no longer live there alone.  All of mom's "money" went towards the cost of her care.  Only after she passed away did what was remaining get equally split 3 ways.  

Please make sure your DH consults his own lawyer. Your SIL is the one running back and forth between her lawyer. Your DH is getting second hand information, your SIL is the client not your DH so his best interests are not being represented, nor is your MILs.
As for the document that your SIL brought to you for after MILs death, that’s what a will is for. It’s more than likely not going to hold any weight in probate. There’s no space for a notary or witness to sign, it’s not a quitclaim deed either.
Do you guys know what MILs will currrently states? Was it updated after FIL passed?

What Is a Quitclaim Deed?
A quitclaim deed usually includes a legal description of the property, the name of the person who is transferring their interest, the name of the person who is receiving that interest (the grantee), the date, and both parties’ notarized signatures.

Quitclaim deeds are typically used to transfer property in non-sale situations, such as transfers of property between family members. They can be used to add a spouse to a property title after marriage, remove a spouse from a title after divorce, clarify ownership of inherited property, transfer property into (or out of) a revocable living trust, clarify an easement, or change how a property’s title is held.

The thing is, if SIL does transfer the house into her name and MIL ends up needing money from that asset for her care down the road it will quickly become your DH’s issue. Someone will end up having to pay for her care and it could be him if MIL doesn’t have the means because SIL basically stole it from her. He needs to be looking out for his mom’s best interests and by default, his (and your) own. At the very least it would be worth the money for a consult with someone who knows this stuff, if only for his/your own peace of mind.

"Yep, he told them this weekend he is not going to sign away his interest in the house to them, he is making sure the asset is there for her care. That is a non-negotiable."

YES!!! Great choice!!!

IMO, this says everything. His parents wrote out their wishes when they still had sound minds.
The best thing for his mother's care is for her to remain where she is. If it means all assets are depleted to do that, then so be it.
The sister is wanting the house because she and hubby need a place to live. She's trying to justify her getting the house by moving her mom back home to take care of her, which is not in the best interest of MIL. She thinks she being sly, but she's not.