Should dying wishes be honoured?

I do think people’s final wishes should be honored.
I also believe that if the person knows what they want & it’s complicated and/or expensive, they need to plan & provide the funding.

Their wishes may not be honored if those left behind can’t afford to carry them out. If those left behind can’t financially or physically carry out the final wish, they have no choice but to do the best they can.

That one is a big ask...and I believe if he feels seriously about it, he should put it in writing and provide the funds to see it through. 

My boss, who is the king of dad jokes, says he wants his remains to be scattered on his favorite beach. But he does not want to be cremated
I suspect his kids won't honor this wish


I think I would try to honor a death bed wish as much as I could. But it honestly does depend on the difficulty and expense as you say.
You can't make a dying wish to be buried next to Elvis in Graceland, but I could spend a day fulfilling a wish (locally). For instance, personally visit friends and family of the deceased and give them personal items the deceased wanted them to have. But I wouldn't take several days off work to travel to the other side of the country. Money should be set aside for those requests.

Besides, I may be cynical, but when you're dead, you're dead. The final resting place is (to me) more for the living loved ones who wants a place to visit.
Not that I am a big fan of lying, but if you say you will honor all wishes, they will die knowing their final wishes will happen. What you actually do.... is another thing.... At least you give them comfort and peace of mind in their last days.

I feel that, within reason and legality, dying wishes should be honoured. Things like burial v cremation, ceremony type (including no service at all) and location, last bequests, I’d do my utmost to fulfill. I also feel that someone making requests that would impose costs - both financial and time - should either provide for these to be covered or accept that their wishes may not be granted.

I currently live half way around the world from my homeland and all my family. Before we left to come here, my older son very seriously sat down with me after dinner one night and asked if we’d thought about arrangements if anything should happen to us. He wanted to know we had the money available to repatriate our bodies for burial back home. I told him at the time that the logical thing to do would be cremation here, then take the ashes back but - at that time - he was not in favour of cremation. I sincerely hope I will get to retire home before the end, so things are a bit easier logistically for our children, but at least we have a plan if that doesn’t happen.

I do think dying wishes should be honored.  That being said, if they are difficult/costly, that needs to be taken care of prior to death.  In this case, your Ex needs to set aside funds for that now, purchase whatever plot he wants now, etc.  You shouldn't have to pay out of your pocket for any of this.

My first thought was he needs to move back or set money aside for it. Knowing what someone has asked for as "their dying wish" and being able to carry out said wish are two different things if it puts hardship on the person left behind. imho. Is he pulling your leg?

Just as an aside, you know where I live and where I'll go when I pass (if you remember!). I was told 5-odd years ago that it would cost me £4,000 to make that journey and it's about 1/2 the distance your XDH wants to travel.

We were just talking about this! We have a family member who has specific wishes on visitation being 1 hour only, behind glass so that no one can touch his hand or kiss him or anything. His kids are REALLY upset about that - their family is very close and they want to be able to touch his arm and spend some last moments with him. I'm torn - it that's what he wants, well I guess that's what you do. But, for the comfort of family, and he's gone anyway, maybe they could alter that just a bit?? Hard choice to make.

A dear friend recently died after a long time "living" with pancreatic cancer. (Eddie always said he wasn't dying of cancer - he was living with it.)

He had arranged all the plans for his funeral and several bequests to be announced. There was a visitation at the funeral home one night, an old-fashioned Irish wake the next (rented tent/tables/chairs, live music, catered dinner, open bar at their home), service at the church (bagpipes and Scottish claymore salute) followed by graveside service & burial, and then brunch for all out-of-town guests on the fourth day before heading home.

They covered hotel rooms for our three night stay for all of us from out-of-town.

The bequests included educational funds for his cousins' children and several all-expenses-paid trips. Twenty-five of us who they identified as their core support group as he lived with cancer are all being sent to Ireland in May together. All paid for.

It's the damndest thing I've ever seen. What a truly remarkable man.

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So all that to say... If you are asking those left behind to go above and beyond on any of your deathbed wishes, there ought to be consideration that they might not be on board with your plan. A wish is simply a wish. It's not a command. And very, very few people are able to gift all the considerations that our friend Eddie was able to provide. So requiring those left behind to make large expenditures of their own time and money may definitely be deal-breakers for your wishes.

If he wants that, he needs to do everything in his own power to plan and pay for that ahead of time. He can purchase the plot and make end of life plans for transport ahead of time, paid in advance, and then he can be assured that his wishes will be carried out.

I don't feel he has the right to expect anyone else to plan and fund that themselves, and certainly not his ex-spouse.

she said her Ex DH said he wanted to be buried there, not to have the entire funeral etc. there. I don't think destination funerals are a thing like destination weddings, are they?

OP, I would do it for him if he had the funds set aside for it and he had made arrangements with the cemetery to purchase a plot.

I totally agree with all of this. If you want something specific, you better set that money aside in your will to pay for it. Funerals are so expensive. If you want an elaborate funeral service, then you need to pre-plan and pay for your own service. 

This is the second time I've choked at this thread!  Destination funeral!  They would be the start of some dark jokes!

I have never heard it called a destination funeral although often it is a destination for some family members such as when my dad died in 2020. it was a destination funeral for me (2 hours away) and two of my three adultkids went to Oklahoma from Missouri and Oregon.  The one living in South Africa couldn't get a flight due to covid restrictions in place. But I also have never heard of just burying someone unless they are a "John Doe" with no known family/friends. Even if the person doesn't want a service there is often a few minutes to acknowledge who the deceased was and the grief of the family.   If the ex feels like he can guilt family into a long distance shipping of his body I assume he expects those same loved ones to see him being buried. But maybe my assumption is off. eta: Fedex doesn't just drop a casket into a hole in a grave yard.

In this case, he should make sure all the arrangements are made and it is all paid for. He should also understand that most people will not attend the funeral/burial