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Post by LAM88 on Feb 12, 2015 21:43:01 GMT
That's a toughie. When my mother passed and I was leaving her for the last time in the hospital, I was sobbing in the elevator when a man asked me if I was ok. I was a little put off by this because clearly I was not ok and wasn't about to get into my story with a stranger, so I was annoyed to have to answer him that I was fine. OTOH, he could hardly ignore the crying woman alone in the elevator with him so I guess he did the only thing he could do. I had my head down and was trying to muffle my cries so maybe he should have gotten the message that I wanted to be alone, but I can't fault him for treating my with kindness.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Feb 12, 2015 21:47:08 GMT
No, my Aunt always boarded her flights in tears. She was headed home to her hubby, but leaving "home", her family.
My ds just left home for 4 1/2 months. Saying goodbye is hard. I managed to help him load his car, hugged him and then closed the door before the tears started. Love him, he texts often enough and we catch up. Sometimes the goodbye's are just hard.
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gottapeanow
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Post by gottapeanow on Feb 12, 2015 21:52:31 GMT
I would ask, too, and/or offer tissues, water or coffee. I also am in the camp that thinks extra human kindness is never excessive. I am not interested in being nosy or in hearing the person's life story. I am however, interested in doing something to ease a person's pain. Lisa
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Post by anneinwa on Feb 12, 2015 21:54:12 GMT
Yes, I absolutely would gently ask if she (or he) needed something, and if no, I'd just walk away knowing I had tried to offer assistance to someone who was clearly in distress. When my mom (and most recently my dad) were gravely ill and dying, and I was desperately trying to get home in time, I found myself both times in the airport crying and alone. A kind word form anyone would have been very welcome. I think everyone has had a moment like that. I usually respect people's privacy but I imagine if you are upset enough to openly cry like that, you may have a problem. Maybe you need to borrow a phone to make a call, or maybe you just need a small assurance that it'll be ok. This almost word for word. This was me when I was flying home shortly after my mom was diagnosed with full blown leukemia. I cut another trip short the second I heard she had a fever, and on my connection layover heard they were taking her to the hospital. I knew she only had 1-3 months based on the type of leukemia. I never felt more alone, so the kindness of a stranger or even Kleenex from someone probably would have been appreciated. I would rather err on possibly embarrassing someone, than to leave someone who could have used someone to talk to alone.
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Feb 12, 2015 22:10:22 GMT
It was my daughter's girlfriend, sad that she was going to miss her beloved after her 2 month visit with us. Young love! A man offered her a piece of gum. Which makes me snort a bit, but it was a kind gesture. The way airports are now, you can't 'see someone off' in a timely manner, because the departers are segregated beyond the security checkpoints. Leaves the sad travelers to fend for themselves. Your responses about how unhelpful the 'are you alright?' query is something I hadn't thought of.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Feb 12, 2015 22:15:54 GMT
No. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let someone cry in peace.
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Dani-Mani
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 12, 2015 22:16:18 GMT
It makes me sad that we live in a society where you can't even ask if somebody is okay without being chastised for it.
Pathetic.
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Feb 12, 2015 22:16:57 GMT
A friend once suggested not to ask "Are you okay?" Because obviously the answer is no, but if you feel compelled to offer some expression of care, to say "Can I bring you a coffee or a water?" because the person may not want to go to the newsstand in their emotional state. I would rather someone was upset that I approached them than that they felt invisible because I didn't. This is a non-inquisitive way to express care for a crying stranger. It kind of stuck with me. This is really nice. Thanks for sharing it.
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Post by momstime on Feb 12, 2015 22:22:28 GMT
That human connection is vital to our survival. We never know how our act of compassion will play out in the heart of the suffering. It is ALWAYS better to err on the side of compassion. Your simple act of offering a tissue could be the difference between life and death. We never really know. I try not to ignore that little voice in my head that tells me to risk myself for another. There is a reason (in my mind) for that voice.
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Post by lucyg on Feb 12, 2015 22:45:43 GMT
No. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let someone cry in peace. Bears repeating a thousand times. I know you all mean well, but truly ... please ... do not try to "help" me if I'm crying in public. And those of you who are getting pissy because others of us would feel worse if we were approached by a stranger, you're sort of undercutting your image of yourself as compassionate, aren't you?
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BarbaraUK
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Post by BarbaraUK on Feb 12, 2015 22:48:27 GMT
Your responses about how unhelpful the 'are you alright?' query is something I hadn't thought of. Asking if someone is OK or alright isn't generally regarded as being unhelpful or a dumb thing to say in those circumstances here in the UK, at least in my experience. It's just accepted as being a general, gentle, non intrusive way of asking if they need any help of any kind and if the reply is 'yes' or 'everything is fine' it is easy to smile and move on. I think the vast majority of people if asked that here under similar circumstances would just reply and be glad the questioner cared enough to ask, rather than get annoyed because they had been asked or feel as though someone had violated their privacy.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Feb 12, 2015 22:53:21 GMT
No. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let someone cry in peace. Bears repeating a thousand times. I know you all mean well, but truly ... please ... do not try to "help" me if I'm crying in public. And those of you who are getting pissy because others of us would feel worse if we were approached by a stranger, you're sort of undercutting your image of yourself as compassionate, aren't you? I think you can tell me go away if I am bothering you, and that would be ok, but I will not stop trying to show compassion and kindness to others. IMO, if you want to be left alone, go to the bathroom or a corner. I've cried in a corner, with my back facing out, in public. If you are sitting in the wide open, I might be crazy enough to feel compelled to see if you need assistance. Some people are afraid to ask for help. Some people don't want or need help. Some people are embarrassed to be crying in public. Some people appreciate a kind offer of a tissue or water or gum (I love that BTW). I don't know which one you are unless I ask. I will not stop asking.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Feb 12, 2015 22:53:57 GMT
It makes me sad that we live in a society where you can't even ask if somebody is okay without being chastised for it. Pathetic. The responders were saying they, themselves, wouldn't want anyone to ask them, so would probably not ask someone else in the same situation. That's not 'chastising' anyone, in my opinion.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Feb 12, 2015 22:56:07 GMT
Your responses about how unhelpful the 'are you alright?' query is something I hadn't thought of. That gave me pause for thought too. My instinct would be to ask "is there something I can do for you?" with a light, sympathetic touch on the arm, although these days I'd probably end up being sued for assault. Sigh.
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Dani-Mani
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 12, 2015 23:12:20 GMT
That human connection is vital to our survival. We never know how our act of compassion will play out in the heart of the suffering. It is ALWAYS better to err on the side of compassion. Your simple act of offering a tissue could be the difference between life and death. We never really know. I try not to ignore that little voice in my head that tells me to risk myself for another. There is a reason (in my mind) for that voice. Amen!
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 12, 2015 23:13:01 GMT
Bears repeating a thousand times. I know you all mean well, but truly ... please ... do not try to "help" me if I'm crying in public. And those of you who are getting pissy because others of us would feel worse if we were approached by a stranger, you're sort of undercutting your image of yourself as compassionate, aren't you? I think you can tell me go away if I am bothering you, and that would be ok, but I will not stop trying to show compassion and kindness to others. IMO, if you want to be left alone, go to the bathroom or a corner. I've cried in a corner, with my back facing out, in public. If you are sitting in the wide open, I might be crazy enough to feel compelled to see if you need assistance. Some people are afraid to ask for help. Some people don't want or need help. Some people are embarrassed to be crying in public. Some people appreciate a kind offer of a tissue or water or gum (I love that BTW). I don't know which one you are unless I ask. I will not stop asking. The problem is the op specifically asked about someone at an airport waiting to board a plane. Sometimes we don't always have the option of finding a bathroom or other private spot when our world is falling apart. Sometimes we have to get on the plane. If one wants to show
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Feb 12, 2015 23:44:26 GMT
I asked something similar a few weeks ago here (not about a plane, though) because I had experienced a few times where I saw people alone and crying, either in restaurants or on the street. I have decided that I would probably say something like, "Can I help?" and maybe put a hand on their shoulder. And then I would probably say something like, "I'm sorry for whatever is troubling you." Maybe that would cheer a person up. Please do not touch a crying person without their expressed permission. That person might have mental issues and you touching them, could set them off. Also, MANY people do not like strangers touching them ever, so touch them when they are in distress is a violation of their personal space at a vulnerable moment and therefore, not a help.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Feb 13, 2015 0:36:22 GMT
Your responses about how unhelpful the 'are you alright?' query is something I hadn't thought of. Asking if someone is OK or alright isn't generally regarded as being unhelpful or a dumb thing to say in those circumstances here in the UK, at least in my experience. It's just accepted as being a general, gentle, non intrusive way of asking if they need any help of any kind and if the reply is 'yes' or 'everything is fine' it is easy to smile and move on. I think the vast majority of people if asked that here under similar circumstances would just reply and be glad the questioner cared enough to ask, rather than get annoyed because they had been asked or feel as though someone had violated their privacy. I'm a bitch then because, I've cried in public many times over my life and I can't think of one time that I've been glad to have a stranger question me about it. And typically, in that situation, I find myself holding it together by such a thin thread that the interuption makes me lose it altogether. Nope, not glad in the least. Although, I will say that I once had a person hand me a tissue yet otherwise completely ignore me and that was very much appreciated.
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Feb 13, 2015 0:46:14 GMT
I'm in the I'd offer a tissue and smile camp. I could not imagine ignoring a creature, human or otherwise, in pain. IMO, that's wrong. Me too, never do "are you okay?" It's "need a kleenex?" Then go from there to something like, "can I help?" or just say nothing at all and let them take the lead. Little acts of kindness can go a long way.
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BarbaraUK
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Post by BarbaraUK on Feb 13, 2015 0:54:06 GMT
Asking if someone is OK or alright isn't generally regarded as being unhelpful or a dumb thing to say in those circumstances here in the UK, at least in my experience. It's just accepted as being a general, gentle, non intrusive way of asking if they need any help of any kind and if the reply is 'yes' or 'everything is fine' it is easy to smile and move on. I think the vast majority of people if asked that here under similar circumstances would just reply and be glad the questioner cared enough to ask, rather than get annoyed because they had been asked or feel as though someone had violated their privacy. I'm a bitch then because, I've cried in public many times over my life and I can't think of one time that I've been glad to have a stranger question me about it. And typically, in that situation, I find myself holding it together by such a thin thread that the interuption makes me lose it altogether. Nope, not glad in the least. Although, I will say that I once had a person hand me a tissue yet otherwise completely ignore me and that was very much appreciated. I did say that was just my experience in the UK, at least my part of it and airports I have used! However, it's well known that Brits don't easily display private emotions in public and try to hold it back and we usually recognise that and that it means they don't really want it to be seen. So if I see someone obviously crying in a public place here then it's usually worth asking if assistance is needed.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 19:22:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2015 1:00:20 GMT
I wouldn't, only because when I cry and someone asks me, I then cry harder and can't speak. I would give her a kind smile and say a silent prayer for her.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Feb 13, 2015 1:01:48 GMT
No. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let someone cry in peace. Bears repeating a thousand times. I know you all mean well, but truly ... please ... do not try to "help" me if I'm crying in public. And those of you who are getting pissy because others of us would feel worse if we were approached by a stranger, you're sort of undercutting your image of yourself as compassionate, aren't you? Yikes.... Lucy, so often I agree with much of what you write. This time I'll have to respectfully disagree. Maybe I see it differently. I'm a nurse. I spend almost all day, every day, asking strangers if they are ok, if they need something, and if I can help them. This certainly carries over to the real world, and I'm not ashamed of that. If a simple offer of "Is there something I can help you with" while (general) you are crying in a public place is undercutting my "Image" as a compassionate person, I beg to differ with you in a huge way. I come from NY, land of of the hostile person... and it takes one second to say "No thank you" and it takes me one second to ask if i can help you with something. That's common courtesy. And if that makes someone uncomfortable, I'm sorry for that. But I'd rather make someone uncomfortable for 2 seconds as opposed to ignoring someone in distress if a tissue or borrowing my phone could alleviate some upset. I have no imagine, real or imagined to uphold. A stranger does not know me. Their full sentence answer of "No" will not harm nor help any perceived image. I would not be offended or hurt if someone said no and told me to bug off. That's certainly their prerogative, and I respect that. I will also say I am a sensitive person. So part of my reaching out is probably because I'd be ok with someone doing the same for me. I realize not everyone wants a stranger hugging or helping them. (I'd never touch or hug a stranger in an airport!) But I think it's human nature to offer assistance. And there's nothing wrong with that. I won't be made to feel like an asshole or weirdo because I offer. I can take rejection pretty well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2015 1:35:50 GMT
Some of the replies on this thread makes me feel really sad. Sad that an innocent act of extending the hand of care & compassion towards others would be received with such hostility.
If I received a thousand " No" answers it would be well worth it if there was only the one chance that would make a difference to someone. That one person might be desperate in their need for someone to care at that particular moment. I hope some of the ones that find it so intrusive will never ever be that one person when everyone passes you by.
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 13, 2015 1:37:38 GMT
I've been that person. All I wanted was for people to leave me alone and not see me. I wouldn't ask. If we made eye contact I would offer a smile, but that's about it.
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Dani-Mani
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 13, 2015 1:43:16 GMT
Bears repeating a thousand times. I know you all mean well, but truly ... please ... do not try to "help" me if I'm crying in public. And those of you who are getting pissy because others of us would feel worse if we were approached by a stranger, you're sort of undercutting your image of yourself as compassionate, aren't you? Yikes.... Lucy, so often I agree with much of what you write. This time I'll have to respectfully disagree. Maybe I see it differently. I'm a nurse. I spend almost all day, every day, asking strangers if they are ok, if they need something, and if I can help them. This certainly carries over to the real world, and I'm not ashamed of that. If a simple offer of "Is there something I can help you with" while (general) you are crying in a public place is undercutting my "Image" as a compassionate person, I beg to differ with you in a huge way. I come from NY, land of of the hostile person... and it takes one second to say "No thank you" and it takes me one second to ask if i can help you with something. That's common courtesy. And if that makes someone uncomfortable, I'm sorry for that. But I'd rather make someone uncomfortable for 2 seconds as opposed to ignoring someone in distress if a tissue or borrowing my phone could alleviate some upset. I have no imagine, real or imagined to uphold. A stranger does not know me. Their full sentence answer of "No" will not harm nor help any perceived image. I would not be offended or hurt if someone said no and told me to bug off. That's certainly their prerogative, and I respect that. I will also say I am a sensitive person. So part of my reaching out is probably because I'd be ok with someone doing the same for me. I realize not everyone wants a stranger hugging or helping them. (I'd never touch or hug a stranger in an airport!) But I think it's human nature to offer assistance. And there's nothing wrong with that. I won't be made to feel like an asshole or weirdo because I offer. I can take rejection pretty well. Maybe that's part of it. I also work in a helping profession. I get paid to help people and I know for a fact many times I've known people in this exact situation and how alone they feel that the world just went on around them and nobody seemed to care. It just made them even more depressed. So maybe it comes down to personal traits. By my very nature, I'm trained to help. if you don't want my help that's fine. But I'm not going to leave without at least offering.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2015 1:49:09 GMT
I always always ask if there is anything I can do. Years ago I was a tour guide for the gardens at one on my church's temples. A lady was bawling and I asked if I could do anything to help. She said no so I left her alone and prayer for her on my own. Then I had a strong impression to go back. I talked to her again and she said she was on the way out to the desert to commit suicide. Her name was Randaline and she had two small children and a husband. We were able to talk to her and remind her of her worth. She didn't commit suicide and came back the next day with her beautiful family. This was more than 20 years ago but I remember it crystal clear!
Some people just want to know someone, anyone cares and they matter. After losing two friends to suicide I am super sensitive. I don't go up to everyone but I do say a silent prayer for everyone I see crying and if I feel like I need to talk to them I do. I always ask if there is anything I can do and tell them we all have days where we feel overwhelmed and cry and try to put them at ease.
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Post by padresfan619 on Feb 13, 2015 1:53:09 GMT
I've been in that exact situation, my first serious relationship started as a long distance relationship and leaving never got any easier. One time I was sitting in one of those Chili's To Go airport restaurants and was sulking over my salad. The waitress asked me if I was alright and I just told her I was sad about going home. It didn't bother me that she asked, I appreciated that she was attentive enough to notice I wasn't particularly cheery.
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Feb 13, 2015 1:54:44 GMT
I would. I went out of town around the time my grandmother had a stroke and got progressively worse. My mom called me and I hopped on the metrolink to go home. I was okay until I got back to the station in my hometown, and then I lost it. I told the people around me who were asking what was wrong, and they helped me gather my suitcase and make my way to the elevators and to the main part of the station. I really appreciated their kindness, because that was a really sucky day.
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Post by lucyg on Feb 13, 2015 2:04:46 GMT
tinydogmafia, you didn't say anything insulting about people who see this differently. Most posters didn't. I was referring to those who got downright angry and offensive about "what's wrong with people today" etc. in reference to those of us with a different point of view. I'm sure those of you who work in "caring" fields are primed to reach out to others. On the other hand, those of us who would rather be invisible aren't primed to reach out. And don't forget, half the time (based on posts here), that appears to be the right answer. I don't feel wrong, I feel different. And I resent those who don't want to let me be different. If I received a thousand " No" answers it would be well worth it if there was only the one chance that would make a difference to someone. That one person might be desperate in their need for someone to care at that particular moment. Just as an academic question, you would truly find it worthwhile to make a thousand people feel worse if you are then able to make one feel better? This makes no sense, other than allowing you to congratulate yourself on your sense of compassion. If you want to approach people who are clearly in pain, that's okay. Obviously we all have different feelings about this. But please (not just you, but everyone who got angry that some of us feel differently) stop acting as if those of us who approach this our own way are hard-hearted, non-compassionate, selfish bitches. Because that's how it's coming out. And some of us think the compassionate thing to do is to back off and give the person some space. Although I do like the idea of offering a tissue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2015 2:28:11 GMT
If I received a thousand " No" answers it would be well worth it if there was only the one chance that would make a difference to someone. That one person might be desperate in their need for someone to care at that particular moment. Just as an academic question, you would truly find it worthwhile to make a thousand people feel worse if you are then able to make one feel better? This makes no sense, other than allowing you to congratulate yourself on your sense of compassion. If you want to approach people who are clearly in pain, that's okay. Obviously we all have different feelings about this. But please (not just you, but everyone who got angry that some of us feel differently) stop acting as if those of us who approach this our own way are hard-hearted, non-compassionate, selfish bitches. Because that's how it's coming out. And some of us think the compassionate thing to do is to back off and give the person some space. Although I do like the idea of offering a tissue. It has nothing to do with me congratulating myself on my compassion which incidentally I do not. It's just the way some people are. You find it intrusive, I find it offering comfort to another. I'll take that risk. Asking " Is there anything I can do to help" is no different than offering someone a tissue. Even that could be interpreted wrongly too. Maybe if someone offered me a tissue without saying anything I'd probably think they didn't need my bodily fluids dripping over everything and they found that offensive If they say " No" then I would just move on but there's always a chance that it could very well be a a much needed gesture at that moment. I don't think there was any anger in my reply either,just sadness that so many would think that it would be intrusive when all anyone was doing was offering a little comfort.
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