Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 13, 2015 2:45:54 GMT
I typed out a long response to Lucy, but you know what? It is what it is.
I do want to say that as a person in a helping (not "caring") profession, I am not primed to do anything. I've always helped people long before I entered a helping profession. In fact I would argue that I entered a helping profession because I like to help people and many of my colleagues would tell you the same.
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Post by lucyg on Feb 13, 2015 2:53:32 GMT
I typed out a long response to Lucy, but you know what? It is what it is. I do want to say that as a person in a helping (not "caring") profession, I am not primed to do anything. I've always helped people long before I entered a helping profession. In fact I would argue that I entered a helping profession because I like to help people and many of my colleagues would tell you the same. It's wonderful that you are in a helping profession and that it's such a good fit for you. Now could you try to extend that compassion of yours to people who may have different personalities, different experiences, different opinions from yours? Because you are quick to condemn anyone who sees or does things differently from you.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 13, 2015 2:55:13 GMT
The same can be said for you though, Lucy.
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Post by lucyg on Feb 13, 2015 2:56:47 GMT
Maybe so. I'm still a work in progress.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,700
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Feb 13, 2015 15:39:32 GMT
I think seeing someone cry in a specific situation where you can tell what's wrong (the lady at the pharmacy or the girl at the ATM) is completely different than someone crying in an airport terminal or elevator. If I were crying in an airport, most likely a stranger is not going to be helpful to me and I surely wouldn't want to explain my problem to them.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 13, 2015 16:03:56 GMT
Just as an academic question, you would truly find it worthwhile to make a thousand people feel worse if you are then able to make one feel better? This makes no sense, other than allowing you to congratulate yourself on your sense of compassion. If you want to approach people who are clearly in pain, that's okay. Obviously we all have different feelings about this. But please (not just you, but everyone who got angry that some of us feel differently) stop acting as if those of us who approach this our own way are hard-hearted, non-compassionate, selfish bitches. Because that's how it's coming out. And some of us think the compassionate thing to do is to back off and give the person some space. Although I do like the idea of offering a tissue. It has nothing to do with me congratulating myself on my compassion which incidentally I do not. It's just the way some people are. You find it intrusive, I find it offering comfort to another. I'll take that risk. Asking " Is there anything I can do to help" is no different than offering someone a tissue. Even that could be interpreted wrongly too. Maybe if someone offered me a tissue without saying anything I'd probably think they didn't need my bodily fluids dripping over everything and they found that offensive If they say " No" then I would just move on but there's always a chance that it could very well be a a much needed gesture at that moment. I don't think there was any anger in my reply either,just sadness that so many would think that it would be intrusive when all anyone was doing was offering a little comfort. Except to some, like Dalai, lugyg and me, it's not a gesture of comfort, it's an intrusion where you don't belong. If people want to be bothered their body language generally lets that be known. Honestly? For me, your expression of "comfort" would make things worse because it means that I've lost face and I have let it slip that something is bothering me. And to me, that is wrong. And unacceptable. If I am sad or angry or miserable, I don't care who you are. I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Because that doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. Just leave me alone to my feelings and my problems. Is everyone like that? No. But like lucyg, I am tired of hearing that what I prefer to do is sad or wrong or unfeeling or that we're unsympathetic. We're not. Remember that who "do unto other as you would do unto you"? That's what we're doing. And I don't see the problem with that. But I guess it's the same problem I see with your "1000 nos for 1 yes" approach.
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Post by KikiPea on Feb 13, 2015 16:07:46 GMT
Embarrassing or not, it NEVER hurts to ask. I'd rather KNOW I couldn't do anything to help, than wish I had asked and actually COULD have done something. It's NEVER wrong to be kind and friendly to a stranger, especially if they may need help.
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Post by khaleesi on Feb 13, 2015 16:12:09 GMT
I would offer assistance and a tissue. I never ask if someone is alright. If the person says no or waves me off I will not push further.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Feb 13, 2015 16:13:28 GMT
oh grinningcat
if i found you crying - i'd hug you
and let you be pissed at me
cept you wouldn't be!
i am willing to risk having someone pissy with me - rather than ignoring them
gina
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,700
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Feb 13, 2015 16:38:50 GMT
To piggyback on this discussion - if you ask someone multiple times if they are okay, and the response is yes, or if they are giving off a vibe of wanting to be left alone, please stop asking repeatedly if they are okay!
(UGH! my coworker is driving me bonkers!)
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 26, 2024 19:17:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2015 16:41:08 GMT
It has nothing to do with me congratulating myself on my compassion which incidentally I do not. It's just the way some people are. You find it intrusive, I find it offering comfort to another. I'll take that risk. Asking " Is there anything I can do to help" is no different than offering someone a tissue. Even that could be interpreted wrongly too. Maybe if someone offered me a tissue without saying anything I'd probably think they didn't need my bodily fluids dripping over everything and they found that offensive If they say " No" then I would just move on but there's always a chance that it could very well be a a much needed gesture at that moment. I don't think there was any anger in my reply either,just sadness that so many would think that it would be intrusive when all anyone was doing was offering a little comfort. Except to some, like Dalai, lugyg and me, it's not a gesture of comfort, it's an intrusion where you don't belong. If people want to be bothered their body language generally lets that be known. Honestly? For me, your expression of "comfort" would make things worse because it means that I've lost face and I have let it slip that something is bothering me. And to me, that is wrong. And unacceptable. If I am sad or angry or miserable, I don't care who you are. I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Because that doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. Just leave me alone to my feelings and my problems. Is everyone like that? No. But like lucyg, I am tired of hearing that what I prefer to do is sad or wrong or unfeeling or that we're unsympathetic. We're not. Remember that who "do unto other as you would do unto you"? That's what we're doing. And I don't see the problem with that. But I guess it's the same problem I see with your "1000 nos for 1 yes" approach. No problem. that's fine if that is the way you feel but many others as well as myself on this thread feel differently. We would ask,not because we're intrusive but because we care. What is so wrong in saying a few words " is there anything I can do to help"? It doesn't make you right anymore than it makes me right by our actions. No one is psychic! Older people die in their own homes these days because their neighbours can't be bothered or are too wrapped up in their own lives to check if they're OK. People have taken their own life because they thought no one cared whether they were alive or dead. How would anyone know that someone wasn't either of those people? They don't unless you check/ask if they're OK. I'd rather check and be rebuffed than take the risk of thinking I should have asked/checked when it was too late. I wonder what the replies would be like if a mother came on here and said her daughter had just gone off to college,she was leaving home for the first time,very scared of flying and she rang and said that no one asked if she was OK and she had to board that plane scared witless. I bet we'd all be called bitches for being so uncaring if we all said we'd all walk by and say nothing.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Feb 13, 2015 16:44:21 GMT
It's crazy how topics can unleash such strong feelings and opinions! Thanks for all of your responses. Again, food for thought from a terrific group of people.
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Post by lucyg on Feb 13, 2015 16:48:53 GMT
sharlag, you aren't trying to close the thread, are you??
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Feb 13, 2015 16:51:02 GMT
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Post by not2peased on Feb 13, 2015 16:56:17 GMT
while some feel its an intrusion and would be upset if someone were to ask if they could help, since you don't speak for everyone, and just yourselves, I am going to continue to ask if I can be of assistance in these types of situations. I totally understand some would be embarrassed or upset at the intrusion, and I certainly won't be surprised or angry if someone reacts negatively to my inquiry. I understand the "why" of someone being upset.
such is life-you can't "know" how a particular interaction is going to go down until it's happening. as bummed out as I would feel if someone were upset by my intrusion, IMO, the greater good is served by asking if I can help-that's how I try to live my life-by serving the greater good.
and for the record, the ATM woman was nowhere near an ATM machine, and we were at an airport
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,780
Jun 25, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
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Post by gottapeanow on Feb 13, 2015 16:56:41 GMT
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Post by nyxish on Feb 13, 2015 16:58:32 GMT
i once was in that situation, and the girl who was crying just had a napkin...so i offered real tissues. She politely accepted but clearly didn't want to talk, so i dropped it and backed off.
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Post by supersoda on Feb 13, 2015 17:05:43 GMT
It would really depend on my read of the situation. If someone were in tears of frustration--like the ATM and pharmacy situations described above--I would probably offer assistance, because you actually could help someone out then.
I'm envisioning my daughter traveling alone for the first time last summer. She was fine, but if she were overwhelmed or couldn't get something figured out herself, I would hope a kind stranger would assist.
If a stranger was obviously trying to keep her tears to herself, I would not intervene and I would not want to be approached in that situation.
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Post by peasapie on Feb 13, 2015 17:28:53 GMT
A friend once suggested not to ask "Are you okay?" Because obviously the answer is no, but if you feel compelled to offer some expression of care, to say "Can I bring you a coffee or a water?" because the person may not want to go to the newsstand in their emotional state. I would rather someone was upset that I approached them than that they felt invisible because I didn't. This is a non-inquisitive way to express care for a crying stranger. It kind of stuck with me. I like this idea.
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Post by peasapie on Feb 13, 2015 17:31:40 GMT
I asked something similar a few weeks ago here (not about a plane, though) because I had experienced a few times where I saw people alone and crying, either in restaurants or on the street. I have decided that I would probably say something like, "Can I help?" and maybe put a hand on their shoulder. And then I would probably say something like, "I'm sorry for whatever is troubling you." Maybe that would cheer a person up. Please do not touch a crying person without their expressed permission. That person might have mental issues and you touching them, could set them off. Also, MANY people do not like strangers touching them ever, so touch them when they are in distress is a violation of their personal space at a vulnerable moment and therefore, not a help. Yup. That's true. Well now I'm all prepared for the next time.
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Post by alibama on Feb 13, 2015 17:33:27 GMT
I offer tissues. I carry those pocket packs, I've given out tons. Sometimes I don't say a word, just offer them, and smile. I've never had anyone not take them.
That is awesome!! Very kind thing to do.
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Post by alibama on Feb 13, 2015 18:03:19 GMT
I always always ask if there is anything I can do. Years ago I was a tour guide for the gardens at one on my church's temples. A lady was bawling and I asked if I could do anything to help. She said no so I left her alone and prayer for her on my own. Then I had a strong impression to go back. I talked to her again and she said she was on the way out to the desert to commit suicide. Her name was Randaline and she had two small children and a husband. We were able to talk to her and remind her of her worth. She didn't commit suicide and came back the next day with her beautiful family. This was more than 20 years ago but I remember it crystal clear! Some people just want to know someone, anyone cares and they matter. After losing two friends to suicide I am super sensitive. I don't go up to everyone but I do say a silent prayer for everyone I see crying and if I feel like I need to talk to them I do. I always ask if there is anything I can do and tell them we all have days where we feel overwhelmed and cry and try to put them at ease. This gave me chills. I am so glad you went back and talked to her. I too lost a very dear person to suicide really makes you stop and think about things.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 13, 2015 18:09:09 GMT
Except to some, like Dalai, lugyg and me, it's not a gesture of comfort, it's an intrusion where you don't belong. If people want to be bothered their body language generally lets that be known. Honestly? For me, your expression of "comfort" would make things worse because it means that I've lost face and I have let it slip that something is bothering me. And to me, that is wrong. And unacceptable. If I am sad or angry or miserable, I don't care who you are. I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Because that doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. Just leave me alone to my feelings and my problems. Is everyone like that? No. But like lucyg, I am tired of hearing that what I prefer to do is sad or wrong or unfeeling or that we're unsympathetic. We're not. Remember that who "do unto other as you would do unto you"? That's what we're doing. And I don't see the problem with that. But I guess it's the same problem I see with your "1000 nos for 1 yes" approach. No problem. that's fine if that is the way you feel but many others as well as myself on this thread feel differently. We would ask,not because we're intrusive but because we care. What is so wrong in saying a few words " is there anything I can do to help"? It doesn't make you right anymore than it makes me right by our actions. No one is psychic! Older people die in their own homes these days because their neighbours can't be bothered or are too wrapped up in their own lives to check if they're OK. People have taken their own life because they thought no one cared whether they were alive or dead. How would anyone know that someone wasn't either of those people? They don't unless you check/ask if they're OK. I'd rather check and be rebuffed than take the risk of thinking I should have asked/checked when it was too late. I wonder what the replies would be like if a mother came on here and said her daughter had just gone off to college,she was leaving home for the first time,very scared of flying and she rang and said that no one asked if she was OK and she had to board that plane scared witless. I bet we'd all be called bitches for being so uncaring if we all said we'd all walk by and say nothing. If someone was boarding the plane that scared I would expect them to approach the flight crew about it, not expect some strange fellow flight member to take initiative. It wouldn't even occur to me that she'd be so scared that she wasn't being proactive about it that I would have to take her initiative and make sure she's okay. If not doing anything makes me a bitch... so be it.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Feb 13, 2015 20:50:04 GMT
I would never ask if a crying person was "ok", as obviously they aren't but I might ask if there was anything I could do. Get them a drink or offer kleenex. I've never cried in public and really can't imagine doing that but I would be appreciative I'm sure if someone approached me to offer compassion.
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Post by not2peased on Feb 13, 2015 21:48:35 GMT
No problem. that's fine if that is the way you feel but many others as well as myself on this thread feel differently. We would ask,not because we're intrusive but because we care. What is so wrong in saying a few words " is there anything I can do to help"? It doesn't make you right anymore than it makes me right by our actions. No one is psychic! Older people die in their own homes these days because their neighbours can't be bothered or are too wrapped up in their own lives to check if they're OK. People have taken their own life because they thought no one cared whether they were alive or dead. How would anyone know that someone wasn't either of those people? They don't unless you check/ask if they're OK. I'd rather check and be rebuffed than take the risk of thinking I should have asked/checked when it was too late. I wonder what the replies would be like if a mother came on here and said her daughter had just gone off to college,she was leaving home for the first time,very scared of flying and she rang and said that no one asked if she was OK and she had to board that plane scared witless. I bet we'd all be called bitches for being so uncaring if we all said we'd all walk by and say nothing. If someone was boarding the plane that scared I would expect them to approach the flight crew about it, not expect some strange fellow flight member to take initiative. It wouldn't even occur to me that she'd be so scared that she wasn't being proactive about it that I would have to take her initiative and make sure she's okay. If not doing anything makes me a bitch... so be it. I think you have a very rigid view of life-one that comes from not experiencing a lot, to be honest-and I'm not basing that on this one post-rather, years of posts by you.I also think you miss out on a lot by having those rigid views but I suspect you don't really care about missing out-controlling your environment to a high degree seems to be a priority for you. I've held hands with complete strangers before-once an old rabbi on a train who had never traveled by train before-he was nervous and wasn't sure what to do with his luggage, etc. I helped him out and we held hands for about 30 seconds-it was a lovely moment. another time I held hands with a woman who was terrified to fly-again, a lovely moment in time with a complete stranger. I treasure these experiences and think of them quite fondly
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Post by jamieson on Feb 14, 2015 8:37:04 GMT
Although I'm put off by the response of our Canadian peas, I think it brings up the point that we all respond differently to grief. I always error on the side of kindness.
When my mom died, I remember being in a drugstore buying stuff to get my family of young kids and a husband on a plane in a few hours. I was tired after being up all night making plans, body pickup, funeral home stuff--I was in shock. I stood in a Walgreen's when they started playing this goofy song that my mom and I liked when I was a kid. It took me off guard and I just balled. A pharmacist came over and pulled a box of kleenex off the shelf and offered it to me. He was a teenager, but it was such a sweet and unexpected gesture, and such a genuinely humane response to another's grief, I was appreciative.
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Post by I-95 on Feb 14, 2015 10:25:21 GMT
If I'm crying, please just leave me alone. If by "young lady," you mean a child, and she is alone, then yes, I think you should check to see if she needs help. Ditto for a boy child. But an adult, or even a teenager ... please MYOB. I would normally have agreed with the above, but when my mom died I had trouble getting on a flight (foreign country and their National airline was on strike) so by the time I actually got on a flight I was sad, stressed and in tears. The lady sitting next to me said "I'm sorry you're so sad, can I help?'. I said my mom had just died and she said 'Tell me about her'. It was the best thing that could have happened. By the time we landed I had reviewed my mom's life and come to the conclusion she had lived a wonderful life, raised good kids, been an asset to her community. To this day I'm grateful to that sweet woman.
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Post by Kymberlee on Feb 14, 2015 11:53:59 GMT
This thread is making me so sad. I will never forget the kindness of a stranger when I got some terrible news while sitting at Starbucks. She didn't bother me, but touched my arm as she was leaving and offered to pray for me. It was so kind and heartfelt, and I was reminded that there are people in the world that will offer kindness to strangers. I usually don't share my grief with people but a small gesture sometimes means the world to someone. It did to me on that day. I'm sorry for those of you that feel a small kindness is an intrusion. I get that you want to be left alone, but a simple "no thank you" will usually suffice.
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Post by samcro on Feb 14, 2015 17:34:40 GMT
It is clear that there is no right or wrong answer to this. I will continue to extend a bit of kindness and compassion when I can. I wouldn't hound the person if they made it clear that they didn't want any help, kindness or assistance. But I don't think that it is a stupid question to ask if they are ok. Even if you are crying, you can still be 'okay' in the grand scheme of things. When I was traveling to a critical medical issue with a family member, I was terrified, and crying a bit in the airport. A nice lady asked me if I was ok. I said, "Yes, just upset, but I will be fine." Because, really, I was "ok" but just having a rough time of it. How is one to know if the crying person is one who would or would not appreciate a kind word? Like others, I would rather err on the side of compassion than wonder if just even a kind word could have comforted a person.
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carole3k
Junior Member
Posts: 58
Jun 27, 2014 18:27:54 GMT
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Post by carole3k on Feb 14, 2015 17:40:52 GMT
No, BUT I would have asked if there was anything I could do. Quietly, and respectfully. Maybe give her a tissue. Let her know someone is there if she needs it.
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