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Post by pastlifepea on Mar 2, 2015 17:20:20 GMT
This story may be long and convoluted but I will try to be as brief as possible while presenting all of the facts. I have a 14 year old daughter that is a freshman in high school. After school, she walks to the city library with a group of other kids where they hang out for awhile and then she takes the city bus home. My daughter is very interested in music. She sings ALL of the time, has taken voice lessons, done chorus, and is currently teaching herself to play the piano. She is not looking to be a music star but just loves it. Friday late afternoon, she got home from the bus with a huge guitar case and a very nice Michael Kelley acoustic base guitar! She told me that a guy at the library gave it to her because he always heard her singing. He said he'd been trying to sell it on craigslist without any luck so he just wanted to give it to someone who likes music. So, of course there are red flags going on all over the place. I asked her about who the person was, where they heard her singing, etc. She also gave me a note from the person with his name, phone number, and a blurb about how he was giving this guitar away, no strings attached. (no pun intended here  I grilled my daughter for a long time about what this guy is like, has he ever said/done anything inappropriate, etc. and she assured me he was a "nice guy." I googled this guy and found that he is a 20 year old man with asperger's that as of August 2013, was homeless with his father here in town. No arrest records for either this guy or his father. I could not find anything objectionable about this guy or his dad on the internet, including facebook. (The son has an account, but couldn't find one for the father) I asked my daughter if his dad was with him at the library and she told me yes. There is a large population of homeless in my area and they often spend time at the library during the day. Let me be perfectly clear, I have NO problem with these guys or anyone else being homeless and/or spending time at the library. I also found the ad on craigslist from a couple of weeks ago, which has since been deleted. Pics were taken outside so I really believe these guys are still homeless. So now what do I do? I have a $600-$800 guitar in a case that probably cost $150 from someone that likely has absolutely nothing. I find it hard, but not impossible to believe that someone would just give something like this away. My plan is to go to the library this afternoon and try to find these people and talk to them. My inclination is that if all goes well, I want to give them something for this instrument, even if it wasn't something we were in the market for. I want to add, that the only reason I didn't call the phone number that night was because my daughter told me the guy was autistic and might have difficulty communicating on the phone and I thought it would probably be better to talk to him face to face. (according to a news story I dug up, it's asperger's and not autism but still...) Someone please give me some feedback on this as it's been worrying me all weekend and I'd love some perspective from people that aren't involved. |
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MDscrapaholic
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Posts: 6,386
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Mar 2, 2015 17:30:01 GMT
I think it's entirely possible that this young man gave the guitar to your daughter, knowing that she would use it and make beautiful music with it. He is to be commended for doing that. Some people don't need a reason to do something nice!
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freebird
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'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
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Post by freebird on Mar 2, 2015 17:33:19 GMT
I think you're over thinking it. He went as far as to put it in writing that it was a gift with no strings attached. Not everyone is out to molest your kid or a mass murderer. I think it was a wonderful kind gesture and I would probably at the very least go and talk to them and make sure that this is what they wanted to do. I would take a $200 gift card to walmart with me and ask them to take it as a gift and a thank you.
Some people are just nice people. Leave it at that.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 2, 2015 17:33:48 GMT
I really like the idea of going there, finding them and giving him something for the guitar. Then it is truly no strings attached
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 2, 2015 17:33:59 GMT
I think I would feel just as uncomfortable about it as you are.
It is nothing about the fact that the young man has Aspergers or is homeless.
It is more about:
Nothing is really for free (or at least that how it feels in life after many years of life experience.) Does an adult man have ulterior motives for gifting your dd such an expensive item?
Also, is he capable of making that kind of decision about such an expensive item? If my dd had accepted it, I'd kind of feel like she was taking candy from a baby, in a sense.
Honestly, I would want to talk to the young man's father, and give back the guitar. It would just make me so uncomfortable every time I saw it.
And I guess I'll be the one to say it - it is inappropriate for an adult man who is a stranger to give a 14 yr old child any gift.
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Post by myshelly on Mar 2, 2015 17:35:46 GMT
I also think you are way overthinking it.
If you want to give him something I think that's ok, but all of the worrying and googling and thinking creepy thoughts was just....not where my mind would go.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luckyexwife on Mar 2, 2015 17:40:52 GMT
Could you see how much he was selling it for on Craigslist? I would appreciate the gift, but I would feel like I needed to give him something for it as well. It was a very nice gesture.
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Post by papersilly on Mar 2, 2015 17:41:08 GMT
I understand the need to be cautious and even skeptical but maybe he just gave the guitar as a pure gesture of kindness. I agree with the suggestion of giving him a walmart giftcard. even if it's something you weren't looking to purchase, I would feel odd accepting the gift knowing the donor is homeless and could probably use some kind of help. even if he declined the gift card, I would do my best to give him/them something in return.
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Post by Basket1lady on Mar 2, 2015 17:43:36 GMT
Asperger's Syndrome is autism. It's sort of a sub classification.
I would have concerns as well, for the reasons you noted. What was he asking for the guitar on the Craigslist page? If it's reasonable, that's what I would pay for the guitar. Unless it's crazy low--then I would pay more.
I would also chat up the library staff. They likely know your DD since she's been going there for several months now. And probably know the man and his father as well.
It's all likely innocent (my DS has AS and would do something like that), but I would want to check it out. And I would also ask the library staff to alert you if they are uncomfortable with any interactions between your DD and this man.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 16:43:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 17:48:58 GMT
He may be 20, but emotionally and socially immature for his age. Which is very common with Autism.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Mar 2, 2015 17:50:38 GMT
As the mom of a 19 year-old with autism (he is high-functioning and could be equated to someone with Asperger's in all likelihood) I have to say that I can totally see him doing something like this. He is very thoughtful and really has no concept of financial matters. Honestly, based on my son and not knowing anything about this particular young man, DS may be 19 but he is still very childlike. It would be completely innocent and have no strings attached. I like your plan of meeting this young man and his dad to thank them and offer them some kind of appreciation gift. It is often said that those with the least to give tend to give the most...I think this is an example of that.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 2, 2015 18:05:56 GMT
Yes, I would go and talk to the man, and give him a gift card. I don't see anything wrong with what he did. The only thing I would have a concern over, is why is your dd going to the library every day? vs home? I have a good friend that works in a city library, and it's the center of all homeless, and just some unsavory activity going on. Just an FYI. Can they find another place to hang out?
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 16:43:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 18:20:09 GMT
I'd be very uncomfortable with the whole thing. I'd go with my daughter to find him and return the guitar. I'd also have a conversation with my dd about not accepting gifts of this nature (high dollar, from a stranger). No way would I go find him to give him money or a gift card for such an expensive item he shouldn't have gifted to an unknown child and one that she shouldn't have accepted from a stranger. I'd return it right away.
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Post by maryland on Mar 2, 2015 18:23:35 GMT
I think he is doing something nice, a random act of kindness? I have some items worth something, but don't want to go through the trouble of selling. I am happy to just give it to someone that I know will enjoy it. Knowing someone will enjoy something as much as I did means more to me than getting money for it. I would hope no one thinks badly of me for giving something away, or thinks I have ulterior motives.
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Post by jenjie on Mar 2, 2015 18:24:33 GMT
"I would also chat up the library staff. They likely know your DD since she's been going there for several months now. And probably know the man and his father as well"
This. Librarians tend to get to know the regulars and might be able to offer some insight.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 18:27:19 GMT
I think you're over thinking it. He went as far as to put it in writing that it was a gift with no strings attached. Not everyone is out to molest your kid or a mass murderer. I think it was a wonderful kind gesture and I would probably at the very least go and talk to them and make sure that this is what they wanted to do. I would take a $200 gift card to walmart with me and ask them to take it as a gift and a thank you. Some people are just nice people. Leave it at that.  Spending a lot of time with people with autism and asbergers they totally would do something sweet like this with no strings attached because they are just lovely like that |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2015 19:09:01 GMT
As the mom of a 19 year-old with autism (he is high-functioning and could be equated to someone with Asperger's in all likelihood) I have to say that I can totally see him doing something like this. He is very thoughtful and really has no concept of financial matters. Honestly, based on my son and not knowing anything about this particular young man, DS may be 19 but he is still very childlike. It would be completely innocent and have no strings attached. I like your plan of meeting this young man and his dad to thank them and offer them some kind of appreciation gift. It is often said that those with the least to give tend to give the most...I think this is an example of that. I agree with the above. My son is Autistic and turned 19 this week. Possessing things doesn't mean much to him. Friendship is a rare thing for him outside his family and I can see him giving away something like this. It would be a genuine gesture of kindness...nothing untoward. You may be overthinking. |
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 2, 2015 20:10:15 GMT
I think you're over thinking it. He went as far as to put it in writing that it was a gift with no strings attached. Not everyone is out to molest your kid or a mass murderer. I think it was a wonderful kind gesture and I would probably at the very least go and talk to them and make sure that this is what they wanted to do. I would take a $200 gift card to walmart with me and ask them to take it as a gift and a thank you. Some people are just nice people. Leave it at that. A couple of other thoughts. If he and his father are homeless, you could offer to give back the guitar if at some time in the future if their circumstances change and he has somewhere to keep the guitar. Because of a random turn of events, I was given a piano, no strings attached. Several years later, I passed that one forward, giving it away to someone that would use it more than we had rather than taking it on an interstate move. FTR, in our experience, the library was a great place for kids to go afterschool while waiting for a bus or parent to pick them up. My DS did it for 3 years through MS. |
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nylene
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Post by nylene on Mar 2, 2015 20:37:23 GMT
As the mom of a 19 year-old with autism (he is high-functioning and could be equated to someone with Asperger's in all likelihood) I have to say that I can totally see him doing something like this. He is very thoughtful and really has no concept of financial matters. Honestly, based on my son and not knowing anything about this particular young man, DS may be 19 but he is still very childlike. It would be completely innocent and have no strings attached. I like your plan of meeting this young man and his dad to thank them and offer them some kind of appreciation gift. It is often said that those with the least to give tend to give the most...I think this is an example of that. As a grandmother of an young man with Asperger's, I totally agree with the above. He's kind and caring and has very little concept of money. If he's homeless, he may be tired of carrying it around. |
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Post by hennybutton on Mar 2, 2015 21:00:18 GMT
I also think you are way overthinking it. If you want to give him something I think that's ok, but all of the worrying and googling and thinking creepy thoughts was just....not where my mind would go. I don't think OP is way over-thinking it. I don't think she's crazy for worrying and googling and thinking creepy thoughts. On the other hand, based on what OP has found out so far, I do think the gift was a genuine, innocent gesture. I'd talk to the librarians for further confirmation. Then, I'd see what I could do to help this family. A gift card for the amount that was being asked for the bass on Craigslist (or, better yet, market value) is a great idea. Even better, get to know the boy and his father. See if there are any resources out there for housing for them. I can't even imagine what it would be like to spend 1-1/2 years homeless with a grown autistic son. There has to be some agency or group in your community that can help them out. I'd be putting my mad Googling skills to that. |
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Mar 2, 2015 21:34:37 GMT
That's a tough one.
I think at the very least I'd want to meet them face to face, and go from there. If it truly does seem like a genuine and no-strings-attached gesture, I like the cash or gift card idea others have suggested.
Just curious here -- how in the world did you find out the young man has Asperger's and is homeless via google?
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Post by librarylady on Mar 2, 2015 21:36:09 GMT
Because you know some of his history--unless that is false info placed out there. Go to the library, ask the librarians, get their input. Meanwhile, offer some money or gift card to the man or his father. I would definitely let the father know that you are aware of the son and your daughter. It is possible your daughter has just been friendly and the son is thinking he has a girlfriend.
Perhaps have your daughter skip a few days per week and not be at the library every day.
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ingrid
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Jun 26, 2014 0:52:41 GMT
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Post by ingrid on Mar 2, 2015 21:54:45 GMT
I think you're doing the right thing by going to library to speak with the person who gave her the guitar.
Where is she singing at the library so often that this guy hears her? The librarians here shoot lasers out of their eyes when people so much as whistle. I don't even know what would happen if someone just started singing.
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Post by pastlifepea on Mar 2, 2015 22:26:45 GMT
Seriously, thanks to ALL of you for your input. I will be heading to the library in a couple hours to talk to them, but per your suggestions, will try to talk to the staff quietly beforehand. To answer some questions, they were asking $225 for it on craigslist, which would have been a good deal for someone in the market for one. It is this exact instrument: www.amazon.com/Michael-Kelly-MKDF5SKB-Dragonfly-Smokeburst/dp/B004VQ9P2I. As to how I found about about their background, the handwritten note was signed with his full name. I googled it and came across an article from a homeless advocacy website about this boy and his father having an issue with a place that they had paid to store some of their property. No violence or arrests happened but it was just kind of used as one example of how homeless face discrimination. The article gave some background information about the father being an unemployed IT guy with his son who has asperger's. I then found the son's facebook page but there was nothing suspect about it. Should things go okay this afternoon, I really don't want to make her give it back. She was so excited when she came home and a part of me wants her to be able to think that amazing things CAN happen and that there are truly selfless people out there. She did assure me that she does completely understand why her father and I are concerned. I also think that if I was on the other end of this and gave something truly and purely from my heart, I would be crushed to have it forcibly returned. Some of you suggested a walmart gift card, but the closest Walmart is about 12 miles from here. There is a Trader Joe's downtown that would be more convenient for people without transportation and the vast majority of homeless in our area are in the downtown area. I'm still waffling on this. I thought about it all weekend as we had a lot of rain and bad weather. I felt terrible that I was lying in a comfortable bed in my nice house, while other people had nowhere to go. Perspective, for sure. I want to do something for them but still just have to figure out what is best and how to do it. I extra appreciate the insight from those of you that have experience working with or having loved ones on the spectrum. I don't know a lot about it and it seems like from what most of you said, this would't be considered unusual behavior. I expect that I will have more clarity after I talk to them this afternoon and will update as needed because I absolutely hate not knowing how a story ends. Oh, forgot to add. The singing goes on outside. There is a patio in back of the library with seating and people just like to hang out there. I found out the other night from one of her friends that they also sing at the bus stop. Apparently, people have tried to give them money for singing, which they refused, and just told them that they just sing because they like it. |
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Post by papersilly on Mar 2, 2015 22:54:54 GMT
i just had to check back for an update. after reading your last post and seeing the guitar on Amazon, it just makes me so sad to think of this poor boy giving up that beautiful instrument. someone must have been excited or proud to give him that. the boy probably thought it had a better chance of being used and stored with your daughter than on the streets with him. just so sad.
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Post by jenjie on Mar 3, 2015 0:12:52 GMT
Moms of kids with Asperger's who said your child would do something like this, what would you want to have happen? Would you want the recipient to keep the gift, or would you be upset that your child gave away an expensive item and wish the recipient would offer to return it or pay for it?
The one issue I have with the OP paying market or asking price for the guitar is, she and her daughter never went looking for a guitar! They were not in the market to buy. Why then are they obligated to pay a lot of money for it? I understand the young man and his dad are homeless but in another situation would you advocate paying for it?
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Post by moveablefeast on Mar 3, 2015 0:25:14 GMT
Moms of kids with Asperger's who said your child would do something like this, what would you want to have happen? Would you want the recipient to keep the gift, or would you be upset that your child gave away an expensive item and wish the recipient would offer to return it or pay for it? The one issue I have with the OP paying market or asking price for the guitar is, she and her daughter never went looking for a guitar! They were not in the market to buy. Why then are they obligated to pay a lot of money for it? I understand the young man and his dad are homeless but in another situation would you advocate paying for it? I think the reason to offer money for it is because a homeless family including a young man with Asperger's is vulnerable - whether to active exploitation which is obviously not the case here, or to decisions that don't benefit them which could be the case here. Maybe it really was out of the goodness of their hearts and they won't want anything at all for it. But I think it is wise to make sure you are not inadvertently taking a gift that was not really appropriate to have been given, if that makes any sense. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2015 0:31:52 GMT
Moms of kids with Asperger's who said your child would do something like this, what would you want to have happen? Would you want the recipient to keep the gift, or would you be upset that your child gave away an expensive item and wish the recipient would offer to return it or pay for it? The one issue I have with the OP paying market or asking price for the guitar is, she and her daughter never went looking for a guitar! They were not in the market to buy. Why then are they obligated to pay a lot of money for it? I understand the young man and his dad are homeless but in another situation would you advocate paying for it? If it was bought by her and she gave it away, not much I could do because I feel like my daughter has a decent grasp about money. If you know one kid with Autism, you know one kid. She is tight with spending money if she's earned it or got it for her birthday. If it was bought by me and her father for her, I would be more upset. Maybe that's not the kindest thing to think, but it is a higher priced item. Something like that would be bought with much consideration and I would be sad. So in my situation, I'm really not sure. If we had given it to her, I'd want her to pay us back some of the costs? Maybe? |
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by cycworker on Mar 3, 2015 0:52:56 GMT
i'm in the camp that says you're overthinking it. There are people who can just be generous, with no strings attached. If I did something for someone with no strings attached I'd be offended if they tried to pay me.
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Post by jenjie on Mar 3, 2015 2:10:40 GMT
Moms of kids with Asperger's who said your child would do something like this, what would you want to have happen? Would you want the recipient to keep the gift, or would you be upset that your child gave away an expensive item and wish the recipient would offer to return it or pay for it? The one issue I have with the OP paying market or asking price for the guitar is, she and her daughter never went looking for a guitar! They were not in the market to buy. Why then are they obligated to pay a lot of money for it? I understand the young man and his dad are homeless but in another situation would you advocate paying for it? I think the reason to offer money for it is because a homeless family including a young man with Asperger's is vulnerable - whether to active exploitation which is obviously not the case here, or to decisions that don't benefit them which could be the case here. Maybe it really was out of the goodness of their hearts and they won't want anything at all for it. But I think it is wise to make sure you are not inadvertently taking a gift that was not really appropriate to have been given, if that makes any sense. I agree with you. That was my line of thinking, although I may not have explained it properly. And again I understand about the homelessness and Asperger's. Are you kidding I'm not happy when my 4th grader comes home with something he swears someone gave him or wants to trade something that we would rather he didn't trade. |
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I grilled my daughter for a long time about what this guy is like, has he ever said/done anything inappropriate, etc. and she assured me he was a "nice guy."
