|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 3, 2015 22:04:50 GMT
What are the good and bad point of sending your child out of state? Were there any costs that you didn't anticipate? Were you able to manage things from afar when trouble came up? I'm thinking illness, loneliness, he lost his shoes, laundry, dishes molding in the sink...
DS is a senior and a St Paul university is really wooing DS. We visited there twice and they flew him in last weekend and gave him a FABULOUS time. The scholarship offer is huge and DS is saying that's his school. But this mama is going to miss her kid terribly. He's pretty easy going and we are a close family. It's so quiet here without him, although DD is still in high school.
DS has Asperger's, but it is high functioning and most people wouldn't know unless they were looking for it. But I do coach him almost daily on personal grooming, deadlines for school, etc. I think he can do it, but I do think it's going to be rough on him. I've been backing off the past 6 months and DS is doing well managing some things, but other things I'm having to swoop in and rescue him with (like a scholarship application that is due on Friday.) But I can tell that he is trying more than he ever has to manage himself by himself. I know this would be a big adjustment, but in the end he is capable of living on his own. I just am not sure if it wouldn't be easier to wait a few more years.
We are a military family and will get a new assignment in another month or so. We have family in Minneapolis ( my parents, my brother, DH's sister, tons of both DH and my aunts and uncles, cousins--it's a big Catholic family) and our thought was that if we had to move around while he was in college, at least there would be family nearby if he went to school in MN. He is saying that MN is where he wants to live after he graduates and this college has a 94% rate in his major of graduates being employed when they leave school. He went to my brother's house Saturday night and they went ice fishing and then bowling. Again, they had a great time. DS flew there and back by himself and did fine.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:34:15 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2015 22:22:14 GMT
I have a very close friend and her daughter has Asperger's and she now has a Master's degree. She did her degree out of state and did very, very well. If your son is up for the challenge then I would let him do it. My son lives on the mainland and i am on an island. We are only 4 hours apart but it still seems very far away! I talk to him several times a day and we are just as close. It also depends if your son is high functioning or needs a lot of help. Another friend's daughter has non-verbal learning disability/disorder and she will probably never go to university. I hope she gets through high school and she has an IEP and lots of help.
He will always be your baby. That doesn't stop. He may end up loving you more.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:34:15 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2015 22:22:24 GMT
No experience yet... my oldest is a HS freshman. But, if he's had some great experiences visiting this college and there is family close by, it sounds like it may be a good match!
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Mar 3, 2015 22:44:02 GMT
Given how much my friends have been talking about their children's applications, essays, and procrastination I'd say your "swooping" is normal!
I hope my DS(s) have this much decided by the time they are your son's age.
Anchoring in one place with family sounds good to me, but I have no experience, just observing. You've done a good job!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:34:15 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2015 22:50:33 GMT
I can only speak from the child's perspective. I went to college in Minnesota and my family was in Washington (state). Obviously there was airfare, which isn't usually an issue if going to school close to home, but other than that, there were no extra expenses that I wouldn't have incurred if I were closer to home. Actually, it may have even been a bit less since I didn't have a car and if I'd been closer to home, I probably would have. Saved money on gas and maintenance, as well as insurance, since my parents' company gave them a discount because I was out of state and not the primary driver of any car.
I think going out of state was a wonderful experience. I know in my freshman year, I would have gone home a number of times when things got a little rough (just normal first-year adjustment stress), but because that required a plane, I was forced to figure things out for myself. I also have some excellent memories of going home with friends for short breaks like Thanksgiving. I think the distance taught me to be very self-reliant and I'm glad for that.
|
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Mar 3, 2015 22:56:43 GMT
I went out of state (cross country) back in the dark ages when there were not cell phones and people didn't regularly contact one another via email. I loved my experience and there were no issues. I think it was great to solve my problems on my own, also, which is what I did.
|
|
|
|
Post by krazykatlady on Mar 3, 2015 23:09:27 GMT
We live in Atlanta and both of our sons went to Knoxville, a 4 hour drive away. It was harder to let the oldest go but the next year when the youngest went we felt better after having a year under 'our' belt and if course big brother was there should something arise. One thing I would advise is make sure your medical insurance covers where they're going. Sophomore year our youngest had to go to the ER due to an injury and it was a pain getting it worked out (not to mention I couldn't be with him, but he had a great network of friends and his brother to take care of him). They both loved the area so much both have permanently moved there and we are thinking about relocating there ourselves.
|
|
|
|
Post by tommygirl on Mar 3, 2015 23:11:51 GMT
I went out of state (Florida to Virginia). There were several kids from my school at the same college so I knew people and was able to carpool home on longer breaks. I was homesick sometimes. Keep in mind this is during the era of long distance phone calls costing money and no email/texting, etc.
My dd is currently in her 2nd year at an out of state private university. Fortunately we are 4 hours away and she has a reliable vehicle so she can come home for the weekend if needed. She rarely comes home because she is busy.
Good luck to your son!
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509 
|
Post by ellen on Mar 3, 2015 23:15:53 GMT
Considering you have a lot of family in that area, I'd feel pretty confident about it. Is your son going to Macalester? That whole college area in St. Paul is so cool. I would have loved it if my daughter would have been interested in attending one of the schools around there, but she has no desire to be in the Twin Cities.
|
|
|
|
Post by brina on Mar 3, 2015 23:25:24 GMT
I consider these to be the advantages to going out of state or far away to school. Learning to handle these types of things on your own is as much a part of the college experience as the learning that is done in the classroom.
|
|
|
|
Post by ferblover on Mar 3, 2015 23:30:53 GMT
I can speak from the child perspective as well. My family lived in CO and I went to school in St Paul. A factor in my going there was because my fathers family lived there and I would have a chance to get to know them better. I did move back to CO after college however. Since my school was smaller, its main population is made up from the surrounding 7 county area and then overall MN and WI. I was an oddity!! I wasn't able to go home every weekend and have mom to my laundry. I only went home at Christmas and occasionally Easter and then for summer until I had a job and didn't go home in the summer. It was hard to be away from my family but it was nice that I was building a relationship with my extended family. When I got super sick and wasn't really taking care of myself, my mom called my grandparents to basically kidnap me and stay at their house until I was better, lol. Out of state tuition, airfare are for sure a different cost than what most of my classmates had. Also I had to live in the dorms, there was no commuting like some students can. Overall I think it was a great experience. I became more independent and could solve more issues myself. I am forever grateful I did it and got to spend time with my grandma that I would have never gotten to spend. Especially because she died about a year after I left school. I also got to appreciate why my dad left MN,  Good luck. I can't imagine at this point how hard it is to send your kid off to college let alone to another state. |
|
julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
|
Post by julieb on Mar 4, 2015 0:10:34 GMT
My two boys went to U of Iowa, about 3 1/2 hours from us. It was/is hard to not visit as often as we would like, but I'm sure they liked that!
Youngest DS is quite flighty - would forgot his head if it wasn't on his shoulders. He has done great - they step up to the plate when they have to.
We facetime once a week and it is great to see his handsome face.
|
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 0:43:24 GMT
I can only speak from the child's perspective. I went to college in Minnesota and my family was in Washington (state). Obviously there was airfare, which isn't usually an issue if going to school close to home, but other than that, there were no extra expenses that I wouldn't have incurred if I were closer to home. Actually, it may have even been a bit less since I didn't have a car and if I'd been closer to home, I probably would have. Saved money on gas and maintenance, as well as insurance, since my parents' company gave them a discount because I was out of state and not the primary driver of any car. I think going out of state was a wonderful experience. I know in my freshman year, I would have gone home a number of times when things got a little rough (just normal first-year adjustment stress), but because that required a plane, I was forced to figure things out for myself. I also have some excellent memories of going home with friends for short breaks like Thanksgiving. I think the distance taught me to be very self-reliant and I'm glad for that. I don't know why I didn't even think to ask about a Pea's personal experience. I guess I'm looking at this too much from a mom's standpoint. I went to school 2 hours away from home and loved it. But I couldn't wait to leave home, and knew I wanted a college education. I went home at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter that first year. It was good--I proved I could handle myself and I think we all appreciated each other a little more. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 0:44:58 GMT
I went out of state (cross country) back in the dark ages when there were not cell phones and people didn't regularly contact one another via email. I loved my experience and there were no issues. I think it was great to solve my problems on my own, also, which is what I did. This is where I think this would be a good thing. That he will HAVE to do stuff for himself and will have to deal with what he lets slide. I've already told him I won't give him his weekly allowance until he calls me. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 0:49:29 GMT
Considering you have a lot of family in that area, I'd feel pretty confident about it. Is your son going to Macalester? That whole college area in St. Paul is so cool. I would have loved it if my daughter would have been interested in attending one of the schools around there, but she has no desire to be in the Twin Cities. St Thomas. I think he would do well on a smaller campus and the Dean of Engineering (his major) has already said that he can assign a faculty member to monitor him a little more closely, especially that first year. They seem to want him, which is incredibly flattering to DS. He really wanted Notre Dame in the beginning, but we have gotten little from the admissions office and St Thomas contacts us at least weekly. And DD is interested in St. Catherine's. That was my #2 two choice. I'm a Bennie, but neither kid is interested in the liberal arts. They are science kids, but like that UST and St. Kate's are liberal arts schools with a strong science base. So in 2 years, they could both be in the Twin Cities. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 0:55:46 GMT
I can speak from the child perspective as well. My family lived in CO and I went to school in St Paul. A factor in my going there was because my fathers family lived there and I would have a chance to get to know them better. I did move back to CO after college however. Since my school was smaller, its main population is made up from the surrounding 7 county area and then overall MN and WI. I was an oddity!! I wasn't able to go home every weekend and have mom to my laundry. I only went home at Christmas and occasionally Easter and then for summer until I had a job and didn't go home in the summer. It was hard to be away from my family but it was nice that I was building a relationship with my extended family. When I got super sick and wasn't really taking care of myself, my mom called my grandparents to basically kidnap me and stay at their house until I was better, lol. Out of state tuition, airfare are for sure a different cost than what most of my classmates had. Also I had to live in the dorms, there was no commuting like some students can. Overall I think it was a great experience. I became more independent and could solve more issues myself. I am forever grateful I did it and got to spend time with my grandma that I would have never gotten to spend. Especially because she died about a year after I left school. I also got to appreciate why my dad left MN, Good luck. I can't imagine at this point how hard it is to send your kid off to college let alone to another state. Isn't it funny how so many went out of state to school and went to school in MN? I think that's part of why the college is interested in DS. He's from out of state, a military kid, but still has ties to Minnesota. Plus, he's a great student and a nice kid. Extended family is one of the reasons why the kids want to go back to MN to school. Neither want to stay in the DC area and love it when we go home every summer and every Christmas. We see my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc when we are home, so there is a lot of familiarity there. My parents live about an hour west of St Paul, my brother lives about 30 minutes west and my SIL lives about 20 minutes south. My SIL is the very definition of a helicopter mom and our nephew is now 28. I know she would love to take DS in! But they have their own lives to lead and I think DS is the type to stay at school on the weekends. |
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509
|
Post by ellen on Mar 4, 2015 1:24:14 GMT
Considering you have a lot of family in that area, I'd feel pretty confident about it. Is your son going to Macalester? That whole college area in St. Paul is so cool. I would have loved it if my daughter would have been interested in attending one of the schools around there, but she has no desire to be in the Twin Cities. St Thomas. I think he would do well on a smaller campus and the Dean of Engineering (his major) has already said that he can assign a faculty member to monitor him a little more closely, especially that first year. They seem to want him, which is incredibly flattering to DS. He really wanted Notre Dame in the beginning, but we have gotten little from the admissions office and St Thomas contacts us at least weekly. And DD is interested in St. Catherine's. That was my #2 two choice. I'm a Bennie, but neither kid is interested in the liberal arts. They are science kids, but like that UST and St. Kate's are liberal arts schools with a strong science base. So in 2 years, they could both be in the Twin Cities. That would be so nice for you if both of your kids were in that area. This summer we took my daughter to that area and we got out of the car and walked around the St. Thomas campus - really nice. I love St. Paul. You really do see a difference right now in how schools recruit. My daughter visited St. Bens and really liked the campus and the people we talked to there. She applied and they gave her a great merit award last week. She has four schools that she could happily attend, but we're waiting to see how financially they come out. If Concordia College comes in about where we think it will, it's over. She will go there. But until then, we keep options open. If college didn't cost so damn much, we probably wouldn't stress about this so much. We just can't be throwing away money to see how it goes. It has to go well. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 1:38:29 GMT
St Thomas. I think he would do well on a smaller campus and the Dean of Engineering (his major) has already said that he can assign a faculty member to monitor him a little more closely, especially that first year. They seem to want him, which is incredibly flattering to DS. He really wanted Notre Dame in the beginning, but we have gotten little from the admissions office and St Thomas contacts us at least weekly. And DD is interested in St. Catherine's. That was my #2 two choice. I'm a Bennie, but neither kid is interested in the liberal arts. They are science kids, but like that UST and St. Kate's are liberal arts schools with a strong science base. So in 2 years, they could both be in the Twin Cities. That would be so nice for you if both of your kids were in that area. This summer we took my daughter to that area and we got out of the car and walked around the St. Thomas campus - really nice. I love St. Paul. You really do see a difference right now in how schools recruit. My daughter visited St. Bens and really liked the campus and the people we talked to there. She applied and they gave her a great merit award last week. She has four schools that she could happily attend, but we're waiting to see how financially they come out. If Concordia College comes in about where we think it will, it's over. She will go there. But until then, we keep options open. If college didn't cost so damn much, we probably wouldn't stress about this so much. We just can't be throwing away money to see how it goes. It has to go well. Yes, that's part of it as well. If I'm going to pay $50,000 a year, it has to be the right choice! It's been 25 years since I graduated, but if your DD has any questions about St Ben's, please ask. I loved it there. LOVED it. |
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Mar 4, 2015 1:43:55 GMT
I'm going to tell you what I tell my kids. THere are two things you can't change: death and children. So don't do anything stupid and don't have sex without a condom and other birth control. WOrst case scenario, he hates it. So then he transfers. If he doesn't try, he'll never know. You're lucky to have all that family not too far away from him. Sounds like he's a great kid and will do fine. p.s. my non-Asperger kid has personal grooming issues  so let that be low on your list! |
|
|
|
Post by ntsf on Mar 4, 2015 1:45:20 GMT
I would have a long serious interview with disability services...what they can and can't do to support your son. maybe a single room in a dorm (no cooking), maybe hire a private aide to do a daily checkin...and practice and practice and figure out lists, reminder apps on phone, etc. it can be a big leap to college...all the social stuff and navigating the systems can be a nightmare.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikewozowski on Mar 4, 2015 1:46:11 GMT
my daughter went out of state, 10 hours by car. there were no issues that she couldn't handle on her own or with friends. i never once had to make a trip to handle something for her. it really was the best thing for her to be far away and on her own. she grew up a TON. she is now working at her first job in dallas, 4 hours away. no issues.
if she needs help, she calls and we talk about what she needs to do and she does it.
|
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 4, 2015 1:57:42 GMT
Michelle, my youngest dd is a freshman at Hamline in St Paul. She's in college 4 hrs away from us, other dd is 3 hrs away of course in the opposite direction in Moorehead at Concordia. I think that even if he lived 2 hrs away, you still wouldn't be doing his laundry, or worry about his dishes. HA. Honestly having family that close, and all those ties are the best of the best, vs the parents. KWIM? One concern I would have over St Thomas is the crime/gangs in the area. I know it was mentioned several times when we were at hamline, about that area. Hamline assured us they were much better. So far there hasn't been too many problems, but there certainly is. I would talk to them about what sort of security they have in place, esp with his aspergers. Also dorm locations to where he has to walk. If he needs a specialized dorm, that it's not placed off campus, etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Mar 4, 2015 1:59:50 GMT
My 17 yr. old is also a senior. All she has said was how much she couldn't wait to get out of our state, but now I think she is nervous about leaving home, yet doesn't want to admit it. She is also a year younger than most in her grade, so that could be part of it. She got into three local universities (1 big one) and 2 big universities 5 and 8 hours away.
The biggest thing that she worries about is not liking her roommate. Or having one that doesn't study hard like my daughter does. I really have no worries about her going out of state, but will really miss her. The great thing is one of the out of state schools is my alma mater and she knows the school as well as I do. The other is in NC, so how do you beat that!
I will also admit that my daughters have grooming issues as well. In fact it seems that many girls at their school do. I asked my 15 yr. old why she has not brought her gym clothes home to be washed in a month! She said that all the girls never bring their clothes home and just wear them every day all semester. Then the girls in my daughters competitive dance team (all high school girls) brag about how long it's been since they last showered/washed their hair/shaved. Really?
|
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Mar 4, 2015 4:29:03 GMT
Oy, I am just trying to get my high school senior to live in the dorms up the street next year. He thinks it isn't practical. He thinks I will continue to feed him. Now that isn't practical.
|
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 4:29:37 GMT
I would have a long serious interview with disability services...what they can and can't do to support your son. maybe a single room in a dorm (no cooking), maybe hire a private aide to do a daily checkin...and practice and practice and figure out lists, reminder apps on phone, etc. it can be a big leap to college...all the social stuff and navigating the systems can be a nightmare. I have done this. We would have to pay for it, but they can have someone monitor him. He is very high functioning and "passes", so he wouldn't need an aid. Just someone checking in on him weekly, mostly to make a ToDo list. I use those a lot and would send him away with the lists, too. They do have dorms with specialty floors. There is a Catholic men's floor, a Weekend Floor (for those who stay the weekend), a sustainability floor, a no substance use floor... He did like the idea of that. And there is a dorm down by the Engineering building. I don't know if putting a dorm of geeks together is a good idea or not. I can see it working, but no one ever leaving their room. LOL |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 4:35:12 GMT
Michelle, my youngest dd is a freshman at Hamline in St Paul. She's in college 4 hrs away from us, other dd is 3 hrs away of course in the opposite direction in Moorehead at Concordia. I think that even if he lived 2 hrs away, you still wouldn't be doing his laundry, or worry about his dishes. HA. Honestly having family that close, and all those ties are the best of the best, vs the parents. KWIM? One concern I would have over St Thomas is the crime/gangs in the area. I know it was mentioned several times when we were at hamline, about that area. Hamline assured us they were much better. So far there hasn't been too many problems, but there certainly is. I would talk to them about what sort of security they have in place, esp with his aspergers. Also dorm locations to where he has to walk. If he needs a specialized dorm, that it's not placed off campus, etc. I'll have to look up the crime stats. The university is in a pretty residential area, but I'm sure if you go a few blocks you will run into some more unsavory areas. That's life in the big city. He is used to big town life. Not city, but big towns. That will help. Plus, he's a big guy. He played lineman on the varsity football team. But the engineering building is several blocks from the main campus and I have wondered about his walking at night, since he will probably be alone. That's a good question to bring up. And I wouldn't DO his laundry or dishes. But I would check to see if he did them! One good thing about Asperger's is that they don't lie much. They see things as black and white and are generally rule followers. DS will tell the truth, but then come up with a million excuses for why he did (or didn't do) what he did. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Mar 4, 2015 4:37:40 GMT
I will also admit that my daughters have grooming issues as well. In fact it seems that many girls at their school do. I asked my 15 yr. old why she has not brought her gym clothes home to be washed in a month! She said that all the girls never bring their clothes home and just wear them every day all semester. Then the girls in my daughters competitive dance team (all high school girls) brag about how long it's been since they last showered/washed their hair/shaved. Really? Wow. I didn't see that with the football team. Yes, the pads and equipment smell, but those boys were into their grooming and would shower as soon as practice was over. I used to tease them and call them all pretty ponies. DS is good with showering, but hair cuts and shaving are a different thing. He finally saw the daylight about deodorant about a year ago. And there is a girl friend on the scene now, so I'm hoping she will make his toe the line. It took dating me for DH to start caring about what he looked like. |
|
oaksong
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,164
Location: LA Suburbia
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 6:24:29 GMT
|
Post by oaksong on Mar 4, 2015 5:16:48 GMT
We are on the west coast, and DS goes to college on the east coast. When he was a freshman, it was sweet to see the way he and his roommates became a little family. They took care of each other when they were sick, encouraged each other in their classes, and kept track of each other. Maybe he just got lucky, but that wasn't something I expected. It gave me tremendous peace of mind. All of the kids are out on their own for the first time, and the mothering instinct kicks in, even for the boys.
|
|
billstergirl
Full Member
Posts: 194
Jun 27, 2014 20:50:26 GMT
|
Post by billstergirl on Mar 4, 2015 5:33:10 GMT
My son (my baby!) is going to school 9 hours away. It was very hard when we were in the selection process. I was rooting for the school that was 3 hours away. His entire senior year he would talk about going to school in Washington, Maine, or Hawaii. When I asked why these states his answer was that they were the farthest he could get away from home.
Once we visited the school that he is now attending I knew that was where he needed to be. We visited three times to be sure. I wasn't thrilled about the distance, but I was at peace about it because I knew it was the right place for him. KWIM?
Right now the main thing we deal with are speeding tickets. It's a very l o n g, boring drive. But he knows that he is responsible for paying for them. Speaking of money... Before he went to school we found a bank that was local and that was near his school. He has an account at a local bank but it is so much easier with the other bank. This weekend his local debit card wasn't working. He called and I was able to add money to his school acct and he was all set in a matter of minutes.
He is one who needs someone to swoop in and help out so when he gets overwhelmed he calls for moral support now. I am amazed at how much he has grown up in the past few months. He's having a blast and loving being in a big city. I really think it was the best decision he could have made.
|
|
|
|
Post by happymom on Mar 4, 2015 14:08:29 GMT
I will give you 2 benefits.
The student becomes very independent and gains confidence. Exploring a new city, made all new friends, networking etc.
The visits are predictable. I know exactly when he is coming home and we paid for 4 flights home. If he was closer he might pop in to do laundry or surprise us for dinner. I MIGHT have plans. Also, he has to deal with issues like roommates and can't runaway from problems.
Yes, he was homesick, but we dealt with it. Not once has he mentioned. Transferring and is already planning next years housing
|
|
so let that be low on your list!
Refupea #402