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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 11, 2014 0:50:28 GMT
What I am trying to decipher is how this event with your DD is a factor in keeping you apart. Because I agree with the others, you need to be under the same roof as soon as possible.
I also agree that paying a fee to a good management company would be the way to go in renting. I tried going on the cheap when I hired a company to handle my townhouse years ago and boy did I pay for that. If I had hired a reputable company I would have been fine.
As far as medications go, there are so many types and classes of drugs - they work differently. You might want to talk to a good doctor about what you've tried and what your reaction was so that he can perhaps help you find alternatives. However, as a PP mentioned, just a qualified counselor can do wonders as well.
At any rate, you sound stressed and exhausted and that is no time to make life-changing decisions. Look at reuniting with your husband this way: he can take a big load off your shoulders as far as just childcare goes and you could at least get some decent rest AND start counseling.
You need to tackle one thing at a time and the first thing on your list needs to be some rest. No one functions well in an exhausted state.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:53:21 GMT
This was a Christian camp (although it was sponsored for military kids), so I really don't think that was the case. But this is good information for down the road.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 11, 2014 0:54:44 GMT
i know you said meds did not help but i'm going to gently suggest you talk to your doc about trying cymbalta, its a different type of med than the typical zoloft, lexapro type things...and its awesome with pain too... when you're in pain all the time, its flat out depressing, and affects you mentally, interrupts your sleep... and so you hurt worse and you're more depressed about it, its a bad cycle and is very overwhelming!! A thousand times yes to this post. My gosh, it makes a huge difference to a person in chronic pain. And yes, I speak from experience.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:57:25 GMT
This is a good point. Part of me wants to move to be where DH lives, but then rent another place and leave him with the kids! Of course, I would never do this, but I just feel like if I move back with him nothing will change. And it would be nice, if he could experience MY life for just a little while.
You've all been extremely helpful in giving me some new perspective on the situation and maybe it's not as doomed as it feels.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 11, 2014 1:03:35 GMT
First, a hug of comfort to you.
Secondly, your daughter may have been as surprised as you were that things escalated and got out of hand. I think a good counselor could help with that situation. Teen years were very rough at our house.
Regarding the marriage: --some random thoughts about your post As others said, a counselor could help you sort out things. Rx for depression: those take 6 weeks to begin to make you feel better. May or may not help. If you could possibly connect to the military wives club, I know you would get some support and help. I think at least 1/2 of what is hurting is your isolation--no husband, no friends, no support. We all MUST have a network to help us get through life.
The house: Go ahead and rent it. Hire a real estate agent to manage the home and renters when you leave. You may lose money, but if you can only lose $100/month instead of the entire mortgage..........Take it off the market and rent and get with your husband.
Realize that even if you live together, your husband may still leave all the child decisions to you. Some men are just that way. Moving with him will help the marriage, help the kids and help you........You can connect with the military wives and find some friends as well.
If you have any kind of spiritual relationship, join a church when you get to the new destination. A church family can be there to help you at all kinds of times. It is not always just about God.
Hug and good wishes.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 11, 2014 1:14:53 GMT
The worst part is DD had a VERY close relationship prior to this incident. Now I feel like we virtual strangers. :-( I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that just when we get used to our children going through one stage, they go through another one. The pre-teen time tends to be the one of the most difficult because this is the time when kids start really pulling away and learning who they are independent of their parents. And when you are particularly close, it can be so confusing for everyone, including US, the parents. One day we are getting hugs and kisses and holding hands in public and the next day we are Satan's minions that live to make them miserable. We don't know what to expect at any given time and while I *know* that as adults and parents we are supposed to understand that this is a developmentally appropriate stage and we shouldn't take it personally, we can't help but get our feelings hurt. Having said that though, as a parent, I get tired acting out behavior. I really do. But I am also slightly concerned by what appears to be an out of proportion reaction after what was (paraphrasing) "a really great experience." Maybe give it another day or two, and then talk to her again...just to make sure.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 1:25:22 GMT
I agree with you 100% and I may have overreacted with my DD as well. The last few months have been especially trying and small things seem to become big things very quickly.
I'll take some time to thing about everyone's great advice and figure out how to implement it all. Thank you so much.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 11, 2014 1:40:35 GMT
You've already gotten some good advice on your marriage so I'll skip that. But have you considered doing a short-sale on your house? Earlier this year we were faced with the possibility of needing to relocate for DH's job, given how upside down we are on our house and the current economy in our town we explored all of our options. I called the bank about the possibility of a short sale and honestly it wasn't that horrible. Sure our credit would take a hit, but from what I found we'd probably recover in a few years and it looked far better than foreclosure. For us, living apart more than a few months (to finish out the school year) was never an option, so we had to look into whatever our viable options would be. Might be something to check into.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 11, 2014 1:44:02 GMT
I think the fact that he wants counseling is a wonderful sign that he is willing to listen to you and potentially make changes. I also think when he sees and talks to you he will probably have a much better grasp of what you are dealing with than trying to describe it to him from a distance.
Good luck to you.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 11, 2014 1:52:52 GMT
I agree that I am probably overreacting, which is why I'm so torn about this entire situation. I'm so, so tired...beyond exhausted actually. I've been dealing with hormone changes, cycle issues, chronic pain, potential surgery, and nobody to help me at all. Seriously, I don't have ONE person who I can confide in. It makes me realize how small my world is and makes me feel like a hopeless failure. Thank you so much for all your support and advice. Big hugs for you! You sound frustrated, discouraged, worn out and defeated. And no wonder! You are dealing with a lot. As others have said, this is not the time to make a life changing decision. Would it be feasible to pay somebody to take care of maintenance issues? That would give you and Dh both some breathing room. That way it's one less burden on you, and when dh does come home he can look forward to time with the family rather than facing a honey-do list. I think counseling would be a great idea. Your struggles need to be acknowledged, you need to be heard and received where you are. If dh is a good communicator he should be able to be that for you. But in your special circumstances he might become defensive thinking you are blaming him for not being there. So that may be a fine line.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 14:14:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 2:08:25 GMT
FTR, I'm coming at this from the view point of a 20 year Army spouse. You come across as one of the drama queen wives. You don't know what you want from your husband but your ready to divorce him for not doing it. How is he supposed to know what to do if you don't know? Your 13 year old has a tantrum and you feel doomed to remain separated as a family. A childish tantrum isn't shit hitting the fan. It is a tantrum. You have chosen to not take advantage of the chapel women's groups, parenting groups, family readiness groups, enlisted wives club, hobbiest groups through MWR and the Arts/Craft Center. You are choosing isolation for yourself. That is not your husband's problem.
How do you expect things to improve by being divorced? A divorce won't make him be there more often. All it is going to do is impoverish you. His income will be GONE. If you are going to get divorced wait until you hit the "triple 20" where you have been married 20 years, his career was 20+ years and the overlap between marriage and career is 20 years (sounds like a 4 year wait for you) Then you can walk away with 49% of his retirement and your tricare benefits until you remarry or he dies. Divorce now you'll get maybe his bha for child support which will start disappearing as the kids turn 18.
Tricare covers just about all of the old and new drugs for treating depression and anxiety. Even when they don't normally cover something my doc knows how to convince them there isn't an alternative **for me**
I don't see how a 13 year old's temper tantrum means the family has to be separated. Yeah, there are lots of horror stories about renting houses because they make better fodder for gossip and complaining. "I had a great tennent" is a conversation that ends really quick.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 11, 2014 2:08:42 GMT
Oh my heavens. You sound wiped out. I am sorry. I am a single parent with 3 kids and when I was married, my spouse was rarely there in spirit or body. When my DD acted up, he never did anything. It made me madder at my DD even though I realized that wasn't right.
You've got a lot going on. Stress of moving, stress of selling a house, stress of no husband, stress of teenagers and just general stress. It's too much for any "normal" person to handle. Please try to separate the issues, as easy as that is to say, I know how hard it is to do.
Gosh, I am really sorry for you. I know you want to remain anonymous, but can you give us an idea of the state you are in and maybe some Peas can privately email you and say if they are nearby to help you?
I hope you are able to talk with your DD calmly now. It could be something or it could be the fact that she's tired of moving and the camp was a final straw.
I think you would benefit so much from counseling. I can assure you that I tried everything. I would have done ANYTHING to stay with my ex because of my kids. He did not see it the same way. My kids have suffered from an absent dad. Not all kids do, but mine did. Still, it wasn't so different when we were married, unfortunately.
I wish I had perfect things to say to you. I know you are tired and exhausted of this mess. I hope you can take a break and make some good choices for you and the kids. Good luck to you!!!
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 2:12:04 GMT
DH and I have both been on Cymbalta for pain management, so Tri-Care covers it.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Jul 11, 2014 2:24:19 GMT
I could have written your post word for word but only 3 kids and much younger. I'm tired of being the responsible one. We just had a big old fight about it. I get it. I really, really get it. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. We just PCSed and my world is very small... Lonely, isolated, "single parent with discretionary spending" time, overwhelmed but told to suck it up. Tired of sucking it up.... Hugs!!!
On counseling... Many people don't know you can request telephonic marriage counseling through military one source. It is a bit different because it is telephonic sometimes on all ends and that takes a different commitment. I encourage you to call and see if that could be an option. They can also hook you up with a counselor in your area for counseling on his home weekends or just for you! They don't do meds, but your primary care is a great place to start.
During our last bout of separation I got a housekeeper and a babysitter. He complained about the money, I told him I was sucking it up. They saved my life. The babysitter was in charge of one meal a week and the nighttime routine. Sometimes I just sat in the driveway and had quiet time!! I swear it kept me sane.
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Post by Chips on Jul 11, 2014 2:28:38 GMT
Great advice has already been said, I am sorry you're going through this and (((hugs)))
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Post by thatmarie on Jul 11, 2014 2:42:32 GMT
Sorry you are having a rough go. It really sounds as if you aren't using all the resources to help yourself though. An excuse for every generally good solution. I agree you should find a good property manager and get back to your family. I have been a military spouse as well and it's tough I know but you do what you need to do that is best for your family and take care of business. Good luck!
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Leia
Shy Member
Posts: 38
Jul 4, 2014 22:36:29 GMT
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Post by Leia on Jul 11, 2014 2:48:47 GMT
I am sorry you are hurting. I can feel your pain and exhaustion. I am not in your situation but I know the feeling of desperation of things not getting better, ever. I am glad that you have received some encouragement from the peas. If you ever just want a friend to chat with, message me. (Can we do that here?)
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 2:57:16 GMT
Thank you for the additional help and support everyone. I feel like I'm getting more clarity about the situation with every post I read.
As for this: I'm not even sure what to say. I may be a "drama queen wife", but I don't share my drama with anyone, except maybe DH. This is obviously about MORE than my 13 year old's meltdown (and mine). We have a long history of issues here and I agree I NEED HELP. That is why I came here, because I didn't know WHERE to go. I've NEVER gone anywhere outside the home for help and I'm confused/lost/exhausted/broken. Anyway, I'm sorry that you don't understand how I could "choose" to isolate myself, because I don't feel that it's been a choice. It's just my life and despite my effort to make connections with others, they've failed. I'm glad some people have a good support system and I envy them for having it. That is not my reality.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Jul 11, 2014 3:07:14 GMT
You don't sound like a drama queen wife to me. You sound like someone who's depressed. that awful, I can't deal with this anymore feeling and like your whole life is wrong and you can't fix it and it will never change? That's depression speaking. Your feelings of isolation are also a sign of depression.
I can say from years of experience dealing with depression, you do not want to make long term decisions about your marriage when you feel like this. Find a medication that works for you, move heaven and earth and do whatever it takes to get to where your husband is. Also see what you can do to start some cognitive behavior therapy for your depression. Watch your sugar intake, exercise when you can, get sun everyday, and watch for the depressive thought loops (those I'm horrible, this is horrible, I can't deal downward thought spirals.)
Good luck and keep us updated.
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Post by ametallichick on Jul 11, 2014 3:13:56 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can just hear your heartbreak through your post. My first reaction, and I decided to write it before I overthought it, is that I think I would move heaven and earth to get my family together, and living in one place, and attending counseling before I would go ahead with plans of a divorce. I don't have any idea what that would entail for you, but I would hope it would be more important than any of the other logistics you're dealing with. You all must be under so much stress with the situation as it is, and for how long it has been. I agree with this 100%!!! I would reunite my family first. If I lived apart from my dh, it would suck! I would miss him on a emotional and supportive level. I don't know anyone that has a long distance marriage and makes it work.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 14:14:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 3:14:11 GMT
Thank you for the additional help and support everyone. I feel like I'm getting more clarity about the situation with every post I read. As for this: I'm not even sure what to say. I may be a "drama queen wife", but I don't share my drama with anyone, except maybe DH. This is obviously about MORE than my 13 year old's meltdown (and mine). We have a long history of issues here and I agree I NEED HELP. That is why I came here, because I didn't know WHERE to go. I've NEVER gone anywhere outside the home for help and I'm confused/lost/exhausted/broken. Anyway, I'm sorry that you don't understand how I could "choose" to isolate myself, because I don't feel that it's been a choice. It's just my life and despite my effort to make connections with others, they've failed. I'm glad some people have a good support system and I envy them for having it. That is not my reality. Your reality is you DO have a great support system but YOU have to USE it. You cannot live in a civilian neighborhood and expect the neighbors to "get" you. They are well entrenched in their life long friends and family. They aren't newbies themselves looking for a friend that will be gone in a couple of years. Buying a house is a choice you made and it puts you outside of the military neighbors. You're avoiding making connections with the people who are open to connecting. You've got some of the best insurance in the world but you don't [seem to] talk to your doctor about your needs. You don't articulate to your husband about what he can do. You just expect him to know somehow. And frankly, from 12 hours away there isn't a lot he can do. Any punishment he lays down is up to you to do it. You chose to not get a property agent and move with your dh or at least do some serious reseach about it. You let fear drive your decisions. You keep a honey do list of things to be done then complain you can't take vacation because there is no time. You can learn a lot about home upkeep on youtube. What you can't do can be hired out so the work is done and not waiting for daddy to come home.. These are choices you make. I get you really well. Getting divorced solves NONE of these problems. A divorce won't make you popular with a huge support network. It will remove you from having that support network available though. It will remove income from you and your kids. You have to learn to use the great amount of resources already open to you as an exclusive club.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 14:14:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 3:16:50 GMT
Many people above me suggests a counselor and you shot that down. Don't tell me you don't know where to go. Every post has a mental health clinic. Every doctor on post treats depression. All you have to do is open your mouth. It costs you NOTHING but the effort to make an appointment and go.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 11, 2014 3:40:42 GMT
I could've written your post! Hermit tendencies, distant or no support system at all, pre-teen shifts, renting house out so family can be together... You have to be strong, my friend. Even when you think you can't anymore. Even in the darkest of night when the pillow is soaked with tears and you wonder what kind of life you are showing your kids. I'm getting by with copious amounts of meditation, yoga, zentangles, and reading my favorite stories.
Alone time reconnecting with my pre-teen and an activity of her choice is doing wonders. With all the stress in our lives and the changes we're experiencing physically she needs to know that we are still a team and I'm always there for her. Is it possible your girl needs reassurance as well? I've been on that side of your situation as well. My father was away working 75% of the year and missed entire years of my life. His parenting from a distance was impossible. Even when he tried it wasn't taken seriously. As the parent-in-the-trenchs my mother had to be the one who dealt with everything, essentially a single parent. This is your reality right now. Own it or remedy the situation.
Don't live in limbo, it's rough on everyone involved. Don't expect him to help with anything and then you won't be disappointed. It's your (perfectly reasonable) expectations and them not being met that's causing a lot of this stress. We can accept it and move forward, mitigate or remedy, or do nothing and watch the ship sink. While you are taking some time for yourself (I recommend a spa-at-home-day when possible), meditating, walking around the block, whatever, ponder what you want and how to get it. Believe it or not, you CAN do this alone. But you don't have to.
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Post by Lexica on Jul 11, 2014 4:09:13 GMT
I understand what Volt is trying to say here, but when you are in the state of mind that the OP is, it is coming across a bit harsh, in my opinion. I'm not in the military, so I can't speak to that, but I do have chronic pain and I know how it affects every waking moment of your life. I have also been divorced, and I'm guessing that Volt is trying to educate you as to how that is not going to put you in a better state, but a worse one. As a divorced woman, it will be harder on you financially. It will be harder on you emotionally. You will still not have the support of your husband, nor any other man for a while because you are likely too depressed and in pain to make the effort to meet anyone to date anyway. It will not solve your current problems, it will double them, if not more.
A divorce in your situation is really only going to make your life so much more miserable. And in addition to losing the income and support, you would lose the ability to access all these components that Volt (sorry, I don't mean to single you out here Volt, but you know about what is available to military wifes and I know nothing) has mentioned in her post that you can join and find women very much like yourself with husbands that are not around that will "get" you and your situation. In my opinion, that would be a key component to helping you over this next 4 years while your husband is still in the military. Additionally, counseling and medication will help, but not immediately. As mentioned, it takes 6 weeks for the medication to begin to help with the depression. I was put on Celexa for panic attacks that were a component of one of my health issues. It is also supposed to handle depression and some pain. My chronic pain was extremely difficult to handle. I have finally found a time-released medication that handles it better than any of the other pain medications have done. And I'll tell you something that I don't typically share. My pain was so horrible that I knew I would never be able to live out a normal life span with it. I began to daydream ways to end my life because I needed to end that pain. Now that I'm not in that level of pain anymore, I'm pretty horrified that I was thinking that way. But that's what an imbalanced mind will do. And right now, you are dealing with an imbalanced mind too. Different issues, but imbalanced nonetheless.
Once you get yourself on a more even level hormonally, dealt with the depression, dealt with the pain, and then start to reach out to some of these organizations that are available to you to help form friendships, things should look less catastrophic to you. I know that having my pain mitigated has changed my life 100 percent. Your husband doesn't know that you are not the same strong women you were. You need to understand and not blame him for that. I think marriage counseling would be a tremendous help to reconnect and a venue to tell him these things that have changed for you and how you need a different response from him now than you did before. Your thoughts are not logical, so please don't take a life-changing step while in this condition. You're tired, in pain, and just so in need of a change. I can hear that. But a divorce isn't the right change. At least, not at this point in your situation. You need to be back under one roof. Your husband needs to know of how you have changed. Please don't underestimate the way pain alters who you are. It truly does.
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 4:51:54 GMT
Many people above me suggests a counselor and you shot that down. Don't tell me you don't know where to go. Every post has a mental health clinic. Every doctor on post treats depression. All you have to do is open your mouth. It costs you NOTHING but the effort to make an appointment and go. Where did she shoot that down, Volt? She said a couple times counseling is a good option. I'm familiar with your posting style, so I know you can go hard at posters, but come on, the woman came here looking for help. It's not hard to see she is depressed. I'm sure you know depression alters your thinking, add in chronic pain & female issues, and things may not look as clear. Compassion goes a long way, especially when someone is reaching out for help.
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Post by greenlegume on Jul 11, 2014 4:54:33 GMT
ITA
OP needs help with her depression before the whole kick-in-the-pants kind of speeches.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 14:14:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 5:55:01 GMT
If I only came across as a bit harsh I missed my mark. If you guys understood the depth and breadth of resources available to her that she is blowing off you'd be mad. I have compassion for the truly helpless. The OP is a billionaire in terms of resources available to her. She chooses to not use them. I have no compassion for those who have resources but make choices to their own determent.
My guess is the Op has never discussed her pain with her doctor if she really has any. She expects him to just know like she expects her husband to just know. I'm of the opinion the health issues were thrown in as an after thought to serve as an excuse for her behavior instead of owning it and to garner more sympathy. She has totally free health care for both physical and mental issues. Her meds can be had for free too. If she needs to be hospitalized it is completely covered. The only reason to avoid medical care is because it is a choice to not be seen. It is a choice to not follow up for a different treatment if one isn't going well. A change isn't costing her huge copays that make it unaffordable.
Military bases have a free weekly newspaper with listing for a variety of clubs, outings, and activities. The only reason to be isolated is because it is a choice. The post newspaper also has informational articles on dealing with long term separation (and who to see on post for individualized counseling/help) along with a host of articles on all sorts of helpful information.
There is a welcome center where information packets are freely available. They are filled with information on clubs and groups specifically for military families. The information is also freely available at the commissary door, the px door, the bulletin board in the foyer of the post lodging (hotel) the ACS offices, MWR. Isolation is a choice. Not getting appropriate healthcare is a choice. If you choose isolation then complain about it MY choice is going to be a swift kick to your rear end if I know you have the resources but are refusing to use them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 14:14:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 6:04:20 GMT
FTR, I do understand a thing or two about depression. I've got a rather lengthy medical file with both the military mental health and a civilian mental health practice that includes a week in a psych ward while suicidal.
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Post by ladytrisha on Jul 11, 2014 6:16:18 GMT
As one who has known Volt for many years, she's a tough cookie, but she's been there, done that with the military - she knows her stuff. OP ... I worked for landlord-tenant attorneys for 30 years. It's not all crap - as Volt said, the crap stories make the headlines. Rent your house, but do something else. Hire yourself a management company to deal with the day to day landlord-tenant issues. Fees are reasonable, and they'll handle all the crap so you don't have to. Repairs, tenant issues, renting your place, credit checks - they do it all - that's what you pay them for. The only ones that we saw in our office repeatedly get into trouble were the Mom & Pop landlords who thought they could handle it from a state or more away - you can't.
Start counseling - Volt is right - ask and you will receive. Go alone so that you get on track - talking to someone, anyone will help you gain your traction and get your feet under you. Your husband is working at a job where he can see the end in sight - don't you lose sight of that either. 4 years, get your family together and hold on while you remember why you loved this guy and why he loved you. I have 2 friends who have just dumped their husbands - one after 15 years, one after 20 ... one already has regrets because she just gave up. As soon as hubby comes home, suggest (not confront) him on talking with a counselor. And IMPORTANT ... make sure you find a counselor who specializes in marriage repair, not prepping for divorce! Hugs, you can do this.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 11, 2014 6:50:15 GMT
. . That being said, just when we were finally turning the corner and ready to reunite as a family, the sh*t hit the fan. My 12-year DD got back from camp last week and came home with a super negative and confrontational attitude. I could tell right when I picked her up that something was wrong. But I figured it was post-vacation blues or she was tired due to lack of sleep. Well the next day, while we were sitting down to eat, she was very mouthy and disrespectful, so I told the to go to her room. Well, she wouldn’t budge so I got up to let her know I meant business and she lunged at me. Next thing you know we were in the middle of a heated argument/altercation, in front of the other kids. It was awful and terrifying and I was at a total loss on how to handle the situation. So I called DH to vent and he was not the least bit helpful. love me and the kids. He wants us to reunite as a family and insists this will make things better, but I’m not convinced. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. But I am seriously concerned about this paragraph. HUGE red flags. Did you ever find out what happened to your daughter? You said you could tell right away that something was wrong. Trust your mommy instinct. Did something happen to your DD at camp? You need to know. You need to deal with that first. I agree with this.
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