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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 10, 2014 23:44:41 GMT
I’ve been a member of the 2 peas community for 10 years but consider myself a small fish in a big pond. That being said, I could use some advice and need to post anonymously. I have no one to talk to about my problems in real life and the Peas have always been a good source of advice.
So here goes. I’ve been a military wife for almost 16 years. Military life has been exceedingly difficult. I come from an immigrant family and was raised in Canada which has very little military presence. So most of the people I know have NO clue how hard it is and are not very supportive. I also find it very difficult to make friends and have pretty much given up on the idea, until my kids are older. I have 4 kids and my husband has been gone for half of our lives, due to work related training, deployments and PCS separations. I also don’t belong to a church and have only superficial relationships with my neighbors (despite my best efforts).
We are currently living in different states and my husband makes it home to see us every few weeks (it’s a 12 hour drive). We decided to live this way because we’ve been trying to sell our house and it would be a financial hardship to keep it with only one income. We’ve been very reluctant to rent out the house, due to the many horror stories we’ve heard.
That being said, just when we were finally turning the corner and ready to reunite as a family, the sh*t hit the fan. My 12-year DD got back from camp last week and came home with a super negative and confrontational attitude. I could tell right when I picked her up that something was wrong. But I figured it was post-vacation blues or she was tired due to lack of sleep. Well the next day, while we were sitting down to eat, she was very mouthy and disrespectful, so I told the to go to her room. Well, she wouldn’t budge so I got up to let her know I meant business and she lunged at me. Next thing you know we were in the middle of a heated argument/altercation, in front of the other kids. It was awful and terrifying and I was at a total loss on how to handle the situation. So I called DH to vent and he was not the least bit helpful.
I don’t know what I expected from him, but it felt like this was my problem and since he wasn’t here, there was nothing he could do. At the very least, I thought he should have called DD to chew her out, but he did nothing. The next day he sent her an email to that effect, my IMO, it was too late by then. Honestly, it made me so mad and just escalated the situation. So after a lot of thought, I realized that he will never change. He’s never been there for us, although he claims to love me and the kids. He wants us to reunite as a family and insists this will make things better, but I’m not convinced. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much he’s failed us and continues to fail us. I know marriage isn’t always 50/50, but I feels like I’m ALWAYS doing at least 75% of the work (minimum). To add to that, I have health issues, which are aggravated by stress.
I’m just heartbroken, because I KNEW this was never the life for me (i.e military life) and I insisted DH leave the service when we got married (which he did). But after working in the civilian work for a couple of years, he realized there was better income/more opportunities in the Army and I agreed to have him reenlist, for our financial future. I’ve been just holding onto this idea that it will all be worth it in the end...i.e. we’ll finally have time to travel, reconnect as a couple, etc, etc., but now I realize that may NEVER happen. He only has 4 more years of service left until retirement, but at this point it may as well be 40 years. I’ve lost control of everything and the future looks bleak at best.
Anyway, I’m not sure what advice I’m even looking for here. I think we should get a divorce, but not-so-DH doesn’t feel that way. He thinks marriage counseling would help, but since we’re living in different states, that not logistically possible. I’m guess I’m looking for some perspective. Thanks for reading this lengthy post and sharing your opinions.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 10, 2014 23:58:09 GMT
. . That being said, just when we were finally turning the corner and ready to reunite as a family, the sh*t hit the fan. My 12-year DD got back from camp last week and came home with a super negative and confrontational attitude. I could tell right when I picked her up that something was wrong. But I figured it was post-vacation blues or she was tired due to lack of sleep. Well the next day, while we were sitting down to eat, she was very mouthy and disrespectful, so I told the to go to her room. Well, she wouldn’t budge so I got up to let her know I meant business and she lunged at me. Next thing you know we were in the middle of a heated argument/altercation, in front of the other kids. It was awful and terrifying and I was at a total loss on how to handle the situation. So I called DH to vent and he was not the least bit helpful. love me and the kids. He wants us to reunite as a family and insists this will make things better, but I’m not convinced. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. But I am seriously concerned about this paragraph. HUGE red flags. Did you ever find out what happened to your daughter? You said you could tell right away that something was wrong. Trust your mommy instinct. Did something happen to your DD at camp? You need to know. You need to deal with that first. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 10, 2014 23:59:26 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can just hear your heartbreak through your post. My first reaction, and I decided to write it before I overthought it, is that I think I would move heaven and earth to get my family together, and living in one place, and attending counseling before I would go ahead with plans of a divorce. I don't have any idea what that would entail for you, but I would hope it would be more important than any of the other logistics you're dealing with. You all must be under so much stress with the situation as it is, and for how long it has been.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 11, 2014 0:01:25 GMT
I'm sorry - it sounds like you have pretty much had to be a single parent but I know that is the life of a military spouse. You mentioned you were close to reuniting as a family, does that mean you have sold the house or that he is moving back? If so, then I would re-unite the family. I know 4 years is a long time but after 16 years of marriage, I (personally) think I would try to make it until he retired. I wish I had better advice  |
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Post by hop2 on Jul 11, 2014 0:01:35 GMT
Well as far as that sentence goes I can tell you mine (both boy and girl ) had a sassy face switch go off at 12.5 years old. They changed like a lightswitch turned off and another child was here in mine's place. And my DD is JUST now getting a grip on her mood swings and hormones at 17. Seriously. She's been to counseling and the whole nine yards. And DS was right behind her. Oh joy! ( and yes I know some people go thru the teen years without the blow ups, I was one of those so it was such a huge surprise to me when it happened.
One book that helped me to understand ( recommended by one of my kids therapists ) was "yes your teen is crazy" by Michael Bradley. I borrowed it from my library system free. It did a good job of explaining why the teens do something and then have no idea why.
Yes the teen years have taken a toll on our relationship. And I am not really so sure what advice to give you about that. BUt I can tell you that you are not alone and offer a {{{hug}}}
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:02:03 GMT
No, nothing happened to DD. In fact, camp was a very positive experience for her. She made a lot of new friends and there were no bullies there (which happened to her once before). I was really surprised at her reaction and she apologized profusely for it, saying she wasn't thinking clearly, tired, etc. We worked it out the next day, but I'm a little worried it may happen again, especially with all this additional stress going on right now. But my bigger concern is my DH's lack of reaction and constant excuses and apologies for not being there to support me.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 11, 2014 0:06:27 GMT
i think long distance parenting is extremely difficult. I would not hold that against him. I would have a discussion about what you need from him...and how he feels about the situation. I think you are very tired of being alone and very stressed. counseling by yourself is not ideal but may be helpful to articulate the issues.
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 0:06:52 GMT
I'm not clear on when you all will be together. Is that happening soon? Did your house sell?
I was a military wife for 22 years, and I'm going to be blunt. While a spouse is Active Duty, the other will carry the bulk of "home" life. It's just how it is, and I think you know that.
But, feeling as though your DH isn't even giving you the support he can give (like calling your DD & helping diffuse the situation) that's entirely different.
Is it possible he feels like he can't help because of distance, so he's backed completely off? Gosh did I see that a lot. And for some that was O.K, but it's not in your marriage, so that has to be addressed.
From what you have written here, I'm surprised you aren't willing to go to counseling. But I also know you can't write every little thing that's happened in 16 years to bring you to this point.
If you aren't going to be together soon, is it possible for you to seek counseling on your own? I guess I would just encourage you to get a second opinion from a neutral source before you throw in the towel.
I really hate saying this to you, because I remember when 4 years felt like an entire lifetime, something that would be an enormous hurtle, but 4 years isn't a lot of time, if you feel that once DH is retired, things would get better. But that's something only you can decide.
And I'll ask gently, is it possible you are depressed? Being a military spouse is such a unique situation, it's pretty common for spouses to have depression issues.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:07:42 GMT
I agree, the teen years have been extremely difficult, more than I was prepared for (my DS is 14 and DD is now 13 ...don't know why I put 12 in my OP). Thank you for the book recommendation.
AS for "turning a corner", we decided we would go ahead and rent our home and let the chips fall where they may, but then this happened. It always seems to be something or another, keeping us apart. :-(
As for moving heaven and earth, I pretty much feel like I did that when DH and I first met...I'm talking about huge fights with my parents over marrying him (he was divorced and they didn't like that idea), leaving my job and moving to another country, giving up my friends and family. It's been crazy hard, but I've done it for "love". And now I wonder, what the heck I was thinking.
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Post by travelscrapper on Jul 11, 2014 0:10:19 GMT
Just a perspective--my DH was in the Air Force well before we got married and was "forced" to leave it because of his first wife. In many ways I'm grateful that she made him do that because I would have never married him. DH has had a tough go career wise being out of the military. At one point he took an overseas job and moved to the middle east, I met him right as he was taking this job. I would "cry" for hours to him that he sold out for $$ vs. staying here for me. We did get married I moved to the Middle east w/him for several years and back to the US when his contracted ended. To this day I'm sorry that I asked him to choose me over his job. We are now at a cross road w/my job, I may the opportunity to move to another state for work & he would continue to live here & work. There are times I wonder if it's worth it--and then I say hell yes, because work is hard enough and you need to enjoy what you do as much as being with your family. I do understand that you've given up a lot to stay where you live and keep things going, he's also given up a lot to provide for his family. There is no easy solution, even though divorce seems like the easy way out now it can be very difficult w/4 kids. I think that you should try to rent out your house w/a relator for a short term lease  Would it be possible to go to marriage counseling during the time he's home ?? I know it would just be a band-air but what about a family vacations do you take those---maybe that would help?? Good luck and sending hugs your way. |
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:11:42 GMT
Thank you for the good advice so far. Yes, I guess I could go to counselling alone. I don't know if that will help, but I guess it couldn't hurt. As for being depressed, I can definitely say that's very possible. But I don't think medication would help me, because I've tried anti-depressants before and they were pretty ineffective.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,769 
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 11, 2014 0:12:42 GMT
I know marriage isn’t always 50/50, but I feels like I’m ALWAYS doing at least 75% of the work (minimum). If you are alone with the kids, you would be doing 100% of the work. My kids aren't teenagers yet, so I can't offer good advice, but it sounds like you've received some good advice above. Such as moving heaven and earth to get your family together and attempting the counseling. At least if it doesn't work out, you (and your kids) will know you did everything possible. |
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jul 11, 2014 0:15:00 GMT
He may be as much surprised as you are at your daughter's behavior. You are the primary parent and it sounds like he really has not dealt with much discipline. You needed reassurance and backing and he was still trying to figure out how to respond.
I think you may be overreacting and should not leap to divorce because your daughter had a really crappy day, treated you badly, but apologized. I think you may want to think about counseling for you and your family, even if your husband can only participate occasionally. In the meantime, he may be able to find his own counselor who is willing to work in tandem with yours to negotiate the life you both want.
Right now you are in anger mode and you have stress chemicals in your brain affecting your decision making. Get calm, get sleep, put this in perspective, do something fun, THEN think about this again.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 11, 2014 0:16:52 GMT
another good book is I hate you mom, but could you drive cheryl and me to the mall?
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:17:14 GMT
I would LOVE to take a family vacation. We haven't done that in years. But every.single.time he comes home to visit, he has a million things to do around the house (things that I don't have time or experience to do myself). So it's always about the house, the house, the stupid house. Trying to sell it has been beyond stressful and we've had it on the market for a LONG, LONG time. We've done everything the experts say (stage, declutter, clean, depersonalize, drop the price, etc, etc). Nothing has helped us sell it and it's been a source of HUGE stress for our entire family.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:21:47 GMT
I agree that I am probably overreacting, which is why I'm so torn about this entire situation. I'm so, so tired...beyond exhausted actually. I've been dealing with hormone changes, cycle issues, chronic pain, potential surgery, and nobody to help me at all. Seriously, I don't have ONE person who I can confide in. It makes me realize how small my world is and makes me feel like a hopeless failure.
Thank you so much for all your support and advice.
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itskrystle
Shy Member
Posts: 43
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Post by itskrystle on Jul 11, 2014 0:24:03 GMT
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have older children so I have no advice on that but I have been a military spouse for 10 years now and completely understand how difficult it is.
I know in my relationship, Dh always felt out of place when he would return from deployments. He felt as though I had taken care of everything for so long that I could handle it on my own and he wasn't needed anymore. I am also very independent so it was hard for me to give up control of things when he returned. Do you think this may be the case for your dh? Perhaps he isn't active because he feels like you can and will take care of it? Maybe since he's away so much he feels like a visitor in his own home and isn't really sure how to handle it.
I would definitely recommend doing anything and everything to get your family under one roof. I'm sure it is stressful for all of you to have to spend so much time apart. Have you looked into a property management company to handle the house while you rent it? There are some really great companies out there and their fees are usually pretty reasonable.
I can't imagine how stressful this whole situation must be for you and your family.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 11, 2014 0:25:43 GMT
So sorry you are hurting. I don't live the life as a military wife but can understand the separation adds a layer of hardship to the marriage and family life.
Just to add perspective, yes it is never 50/50 however, my situation was similar to yours - and he was right here! We went to counseling and made it through to the other side. It helps if you have the support of a few close friends who will give you perspective and keep your confidence. I moved 250 miles from my home to marry DH leaving family and friends but was able to put down roots and forge some wonderful friendships. From your OP, sounds like you long to make connections. Maybe you can find a place you would like to settle down in and even if you live apart you feel grounded and supported.
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 0:26:07 GMT
Thank you for the good advice so far. Yes, I guess I could go to counselling alone. I don't know if that will help, but I guess it couldn't hurt. As for being depressed, I can definitely say that's very possible. But I don't think medication would help me, because I've tried anti-depressants before and they were pretty ineffective. That's O.K, medications aren't always the answer for depression. Just talking to someone, letting you know everything you are feeling is legitimate & O.K can help. From your further posting, I get you feel you gave up a lot to be with your DH, resentment is starting to kick in. And I'll validate you on that, military spouses do give up things. There's no way around it. We give up jobs, school, families, all these little things that will tear a marriage apart if you don't feel heard. I'd say that may be what it boils down to. Your DH is not "hearing" you. Of course he can't be present at times, as military spouses we accept that, but he can be present mentally if he's not deployed, TDY, or working crazy hours. And that is where counseling can help a great deal, for both of you. |
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Post by annabella on Jul 11, 2014 0:30:12 GMT
I would LOVE to take a family vacation. We haven't done that in years. But every.single.time he comes home to visit, he has a million things to do around the house (things that I don't have time or experience to do myself). So it's always about the house, the house, the stupid house. Trying to sell it has been beyond stressful and we've had it on the market for a LONG, LONG time. We've done everything the experts say (stage, declutter, clean, depersonalize, drop the price, etc, etc). Nothing has helped us sell it and it's been a source of HUGE stress for our entire family. My father wasn't able to sell his house so he's been renting it for 4 years now. When buyers see your house has been listed a long time they are persuaded not to buy it so it would be good to rent it out for awhile so you can take it off the market and hope to relist it when the market is better. Maybe your husband could find a therapist who lets you join by conference call. I think it would be better for him to be the one in person. Also if you can afford it just book a vacation, it's good for family memories. |
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
This is definitely a factor. I've always been one to take care of everything and I think my DH thinks I can handle it all because I'm such a strong person. But now with my recent health problems things have changed, but he doesn't seem to understand that.
Counselling definitely sounds like a good idea.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:35:56 GMT
Thank you Peas for your advice and support. I was afraid to post anything because I often feel like this is all my fault and I'm expecting too much of him. But there's only so much that **I** can give or do and I'm just done at this point. I have nothing else to give and it makes me so terribly sad. As for friendships, I just don't have it in me. I've put my trust in a lot of people over the years, but feel like I expected too much there as well. :-(
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 0:37:14 GMT
I agree that I am probably overreacting, which is why I'm so torn about this entire situation. I'm so, so tired...beyond exhausted actually. I've been dealing with hormone changes, cycle issues, chronic pain, potential surgery, and nobody to help me at all. Seriously, I don't have ONE person who I can confide in. It makes me realize how small my world is and makes me feel like a hopeless failure. Thank you so much for all your support and advice. O.K, this post broke my heart. I can feel your pain here, and I think you need help. From your kids, your spouse, a counselor, probably all of them. I've been where you are, it's an awful place to be. Having medical issues on top of everything else just flat out sucks. Hormone changes, man, that's just asking for depression to kick in. And please know I'm not judging here, I've literally been there. One of the worst depressions I had connected to female issues, while we lived overseas & DH constantly gone. Just bad times. I honestly want to encourage you to find someone to talk to. Ask your Doctor for a referral, and seek help. Chronic pain itself will alter your thinking on top of female issues. |
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itskrystle
Shy Member
Posts: 43
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Post by itskrystle on Jul 11, 2014 0:38:16 GMT
I think counseling would be extremely beneficial. Dh and I spent some time going to counseling a few years ago. It made a huge difference in our relationship. We learned so much about communication and are both so thankful for that experience. I hope you are able to get your dh to go with you.
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Post by mellyw on Jul 11, 2014 0:41:17 GMT
This is definitely a factor. I've always been one to take care of everything and I think my DH thinks I can handle it all because I'm such a strong person. But now with my recent health problems things have changed, but he doesn't seem to understand that. Counselling definitely sounds like a good idea. This says so much to me. Yes, he needs to pull his head out of the sand & get that things have changed for you and you need help. He benefitted from you being strong for 16 years (and a strong spouse is an asset to a military spouse), it's his turn to step up & help more. Things change, he needs to do what he can within the parameters of being Active Duty. |
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:42:46 GMT
Thank you for your empathy and compassion. It means a lot to me. More than you can imagine.
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Post by gypsymama on Jul 11, 2014 0:45:05 GMT
i know you said meds did not help but i'm going to gently suggest you talk to your doc about trying cymbalta, its a different type of med than the typical zoloft, lexapro type things...and its awesome with pain too... when you're in pain all the time, its flat out depressing, and affects you mentally, interrupts your sleep... and so you hurt worse and you're more depressed about it, its a bad cycle and is very overwhelming!!
btw mine just turned 12 and she hates my guts so i'm right there!
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:47:59 GMT
The worst part is DD had a VERY close relationship prior to this incident. Now I feel like we virtual strangers. :-(
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,828
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 11, 2014 0:49:05 GMT
. . That being said, just when we were finally turning the corner and ready to reunite as a family, the sh*t hit the fan. My 12-year DD got back from camp last week and came home with a super negative and confrontational attitude. I could tell right when I picked her up that something was wrong. But I figured it was post-vacation blues or she was tired due to lack of sleep. Well the next day, while we were sitting down to eat, she was very mouthy and disrespectful, so I told the to go to her room. Well, she wouldn’t budge so I got up to let her know I meant business and she lunged at me. Next thing you know we were in the middle of a heated argument/altercation, in front of the other kids. It was awful and terrifying and I was at a total loss on how to handle the situation. So I called DH to vent and he was not the least bit helpful. love me and the kids. He wants us to reunite as a family and insists this will make things better, but I’m not convinced. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. But I am seriously concerned about this paragraph. HUGE red flags. Did you ever find out what happened to your daughter? You said you could tell right away that something was wrong. Trust your mommy instinct. Did something happen to your DD at camp? You need to know. You need to deal with that first. I had the same reaction to this part. Was this a coed camp? Could she have been introduced to drugs while there? I know you will say no, but I will tell you that every camp I went to as a teen had drugs, alcohol, or both present. Just some more more food for thought |
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 0:50:12 GMT
I've heard of Cymbalta, but I'm not sure if it's covered under Tricare (military insurance). I'll speak to my doctor about it. Thank you for the advice.
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