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Post by hop2 on Jul 11, 2014 11:05:20 GMT
The worst part is DD had a VERY close relationship prior to this incident. Now I feel like we virtual strangers. :-( Yes me and DD were extremely close as well. Part of it is that they are 'growing up' thier bodies tell them they are growing up so they want independence. Yet there is still a part of them that is the little child you dropped off for the first day of school, holding onto your hand for dear life. They themselves have no idea how to deal with the conflicts inside them. Part of your DD's issue probably was being tired. So going forward if you know that's an issue try to set up tired times to coincide with a quiet time for her to be alone. One of my issues with my DD was she is a very different person than I was at her age and maybe even than I am now. I'm pretty darn sure that 16 yo me would never have gotten along with 16yo DD. I'm pretty sure a lot if my DD's struggle and outbreaks were because she was trying to be who she thought I wanted her to be ( due to her knowledge of who I had been ) so I felt like I had lost my girl. She feltike she was always trying to be what she isn't. It took me ( and the therapist ) way too long to figure out that part of the problem. So over the last year or so we have been much better, somewhat closer. Because thru many long talks I tried to reassure her that she needed to be herself not who she thought anyone else would want her to be, not me, not her father, not anyone. She had to be herself and that was what I wanted for her. She comes to me more often now because she knows that ill be supportive of her and what she wants to be or do, even if it's not what I would be or do. It was hard to get the point across to her because there are times when I still have to be a mother. I just make very certain that when I do it is not just because I disagree with her but because she is actually wrong. It took time for her to realize I never ever wanted her to be me or be like me. We still have our moments but I know that we are now growing closer rather than further apart ( thank god ) She still bangs heads with DH because he has to be right, has to have everything his way, any way other than his way is wrong( to him ) and DD is sort of like him. So when his way and her way are different and both are not wrong crap hits the fan. He also can't really accept that she is not 12 anymore. DH travels for work ( but not for long periods )if something happens when he is away he really doesn't care to hear about it. I always feel a bit like I was punched if he asks how things are going and they aren't well and I mention it and he says " can't you deal with this I * worked* all ( day/week ) " I'm always like then why ask? Do you want me to lie? So in a way your DH probably can't see that you really just need to talk to him about it and know that despite the distance your on the same page. He's just thinking your there you deal what can I do from here. But he doesn't see that sometimes you just need to be heard. You feel alone and unsupported. When he isn't tired or stressed you have to have a talk with him about what you need from him. So then he will know. The other posters are probably right and counseling will help.
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Post by justkallie on Jul 11, 2014 11:28:21 GMT
If I only came across as a bit harsh I missed my mark. If you guys understood the depth and breadth of resources available to her that she is blowing off you'd be mad. I have compassion for the truly helpless. The OP is a billionaire in terms of resources available to her. She chooses to not use them. I have no compassion for those who have resources but make choices to their own determent. My guess is the Op has never discussed her pain with her doctor if she really has any. She expects him to just know like she expects her husband to just know. I'm of the opinion the health issues were thrown in as an after thought to serve as an excuse for her behavior instead of owning it and to garner more sympathy. She has totally free health care for both physical and mental issues. Her meds can be had for free too. If she needs to be hospitalized it is completely covered. The only reason to avoid medical care is because it is a choice to not be seen. It is a choice to not follow up for a different treatment if one isn't going well. A change isn't costing her huge copays that make it unaffordable. Military bases have a free weekly newspaper with listing for a variety of clubs, outings, and activities. The only reason to be isolated is because it is a choice. The post newspaper also has informational articles on dealing with long term separation (and who to see on post for individualized counseling/help) along with a host of articles on all sorts of helpful information. There is a welcome center where information packets are freely available. They are filled with information on clubs and groups specifically for military families. The information is also freely available at the commissary door, the px door, the bulletin board in the foyer of the post lodging (hotel) the ACS offices, MWR. Isolation is a choice. Not getting appropriate healthcare is a choice. If you choose isolation then complain about it MY choice is going to be a swift kick to your rear end if I know you have the resources but are refusing to use them. Just because the resources are there, some people are either not in the right frame of mind to look, and even if they find it, don't have to courage, confidence or belief to move forward and get the help they need. I am fairly certain when you reached out for help, you weren't put down by those who offered assistance and berated for not getting help sooner, nor did people withhold compassion from you, and certainly they did not talk down on you from experience. She quite clearly realized that she is hitting her rock bottom and reached out - maybe an anonymous message board is where she is looking for the courage to move forward and get help. There are many judgmental people in this world, and there are many people who fear being caught in the crossfire of a person so clearly intent on telling them what they are doing wrong instead of offering a hug and telling them how great they are doing for taking the first step. OP, there is hope. You are stronger than you think you are, and with the right help, you can move in whatever direction your heart tells you that you need to go. Other than reuniting your family as soon as possible, please withhold making any significant decision on your future as a wife and mother until you feel you are on more solid footing - nothing good can come from making decisions when you are in such a frustrated, lonely place. There are people who understand and who are happy to help... and, you know, if your family is one that you can trust or rely on, now would be a good time to call in for some help...
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 11, 2014 11:41:39 GMT
I just wanted to say, my oldest is turning twelve in a few weeks. She has been a people-pleasing angel child until the last six months or so, and she has been much more short-tempered and moody since. For her, so much of it depends on if she is exhausted. She reacts like a toddler to being exhausted right now, but isn't exactly open to being put down for a nap. Since you have older kids, you may have been here before, but I know I find it hard to have my perfect kid suddenly have melt-downs in a 100-pound body. I am being firm but calm, and it is a job of work not to lose my temper right back. Hang in there and know you are not alone.
As as for the rest of it, it is really hard to parent alone, much less four kids alone in a place where you do not have support from other people. And I bet it is harder for you to reach out to people because there is this thing hanging over you where maybe you will move at any minute. Still, I echo the counseling suggestions, and also suggest seeing what you can do to build a network where you are. I am sure women used to raise bigger families solo on the prairie while their husbands were off exploring or whatever, but they probably lost some kids down the well and died at 35.
I do echo Volt's notation that divorce right now would probably be pretty terrible for you and your kids. Which I mention only in the vein of urging you to take the steps, however difficult they may be, to make this situation work for you in the short term. If counseling, living together, developing a social network, etc. leave you deeply unhappy, you can plan how to exit in the medium or long term.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 12:11:15 GMT
This is not true at all. I said SEVERAL times, that it was a good idea and I would look into it. You made MANY valid points but you're coming across as very harsh and demeaning. As others have mentioned, I think I MAY be suffering from depression. It's kind of hard to function and make all the right choices, when that's going on.
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Post by lostandconfusedpea14 on Jul 11, 2014 12:47:16 GMT
I'm just reading through everyone's posts this morning. I appreciate everyone's good thoughts and virtual hugs. I also appreciate the harsh words coming my way. This may be the wake up call I need to get my butt in gear and get some help. I DON'T want to rip my family apart, even though we are currently separated. But I DO know that I need to take care of ME first. My body is just falling apart from the weight of the stress. I HAVE been open about my pain with my doctor, but not the depression. I will correct that first thing. Then in a couple/few weeks, I will find a property management company to take care of my home, when we rent it out. In the meantime, I'll try to find someone to talk to about everything.
I really appreciate the time and effort everyone has taken to give me their advice and support. It makes me feel a bit of hope again.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by TankTop on Jul 11, 2014 12:50:28 GMT
This is a good point. Part of me wants to move to be where DH lives, but then rent another place and leave him with the kids! Of course, I would never do this, but I just feel like if I move back with him nothing will change. And it would be nice, if he could experience MY life for just a little while. You've all been extremely helpful in giving me some new perspective on the situation and maybe it's not as doomed as it feels. What about sending the kids to stay with him for a few weeks before school starts?
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 11, 2014 12:51:52 GMT
I'm just reading through everyone's posts this morning. I appreciate everyone's good thoughts and virtual hugs. I also appreciate the harsh words coming my way. This may be the wake up call I need to get my butt in gear and get some help. I DON'T want to rip my family apart, even though we are currently separated. But I DO know that I need to take care of ME first. My body is just falling apart from the weight of the stress. I HAVE been open about my pain with my doctor, but not the depression. I will correct that first thing. Then in a couple/few weeks, I will find a property management company to take care of my home, when we rent it out. In the meantime, I'll try to find someone to talk to about everything. I really appreciate the time and effort everyone has taken to give me their advice and support. It makes me feel a bit of hope again. Hugs!!! it is a tiring, unappreciated job being the mom. Heck, I posted my own vent the other day.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 11, 2014 13:17:58 GMT
Thank you for the good advice so far. Yes, I guess I could go to counselling alone. I don't know if that will help, but I guess it couldn't hurt. As for being depressed, I can definitely say that's very possible. But I don't think medication would help me, because I've tried anti-depressants before and they were pretty ineffective. I think you need to take care of yourself, before you think about ending your marriage. Please, seek counseling. Don't write off anti-depressants just yet. You may not have found the right combination of treatment and medication. If you are not in a good place, don't make any huge life decisions until you are stronger. Lots of love to you.
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Post by quinlove on Jul 11, 2014 13:28:52 GMT
I don't have any additional advice to give that has not already been given.
I hope that knowing how many others feel your pain and are trying to help and support you, makes you feel so not all alone.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 11, 2014 13:59:54 GMT
"I really appreciate the time and effort everyone has taken to give me their advice and support. It makes me feel a bit of hope again."
Hope. That was the missing ingredient. I'm proud of you for taking a second look and being willing to listen to sound advice. You've got a good plan. Now follow through and take it one day at a time.
Learn to look for the good things, the tiniest rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds. Soon you'll notice them more and more, and in ways you never expected.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 11, 2014 14:19:54 GMT
another good book is I hate you mom, but could you drive cheryl and me to the mall? I love that book! Sometimes I only have to think of the title to put the kid's emotions in perspective. OP can your DH send DD a text on days she's mouthy? Since she's apologized maybe she only needs a quick reminder to respect you. The kid is often snappy when home from camp or school trip. He's had fun and independence then has to come home and be child again. If he's tired it takes time to adjust.
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Post by pastlifepea on Jul 11, 2014 14:23:53 GMT
OP, I am also a military spouse and have some other things in common with you. My husband is also gone frequently and sometimes for long periods of time. I also have a daughter that is now almost 14 and we had some behavioral issues with her a few years ago and I really felt like DH wasn't concerned about it or willing to do anything about it. We also own a home out of state but we did choose to rent it out when we left in 2009 and have had great renters in it and there have only been two months out of that whole time 2009-current that there were not renters in it. It is managed by a property management company. I am not a mental health professional but I would agree with others that from your posting it would seem you are suffering from depression. I also finally figured out about 4 months ago that I am also probably dealing with depression. When I finally told my doctor, I was initially embarrassed about it because I felt like I was just being a whiner. Afterwards though, I feel so much better that I finally told someone out loud what I have been thinking, feeling, and keeping bottled up. I was given a referral to a psychiatrist for meds and a counselor. My psychiatrist and I are still in the trial and error phase with the meds but ultimately I think I am in a better place because I feel like I am DOING something about it. I also have adult ADHD and had been off my meds for that since moving here and I suspect that was contributing to my depression. I also pretty much run everything at home and often feel like I am parenting on my own, which is fine as long as things are going smoothly. I will admit to also feeling frustrated about what I perceive as lack of parenting help from DH when things go wrong. I accused my DH of seagull parenting...fly in, crap all over everything, and leave. I've finally accepted that he just really doesn't seem to know how to address issues with DD in any way other than becoming angry and yelling. He is making the effort to be more understanding and allowing her to communicate with him vs. just flying off the handle. I am cautiously optimistic about this. You said your husband said he doesn't want to divorce and I suspect he loves you very much but just does not know how to help you. A counselor may be able to help you and your husband to communicate better so that you can let him know what you need from him. He probably wants to make you happy again but just doesn't know how. As far as the social situation and moving a lot...yes, it's tough. I was a very social person when I was younger but as the years have passed, I find myself tending to isolate myself at home and feel lonely. The only way to combat that is to actually get out and meet people. Since my husband is part of leadership at his unit, I found myself in a position where it was kind of expected for me to take a larger role in unit spouse things. Initially, I was resistant and did not want to do it. In my view, it was just an unwanted obligation. It was the BEST thing that has happened to me since I got here about a year ago. I work directly with 3 other spouses, 2 female and 1 male. We found out that we all not only work well together, but we have all become close friends. These are friends I never would have had if not for this unit program. We also reach out and assist other unit spouses which has also allowed us to meet and get to know more people. Again, truly a blessing in disguise for me. Put yourself out there and in a position to meet other spouses. You won't like everyone and you won't want to hang out with everyone and that's okay, but chances are you will probably meet at least a couple of people that you will be friends with and that will offer you some support. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just want to talk. Hang in there...things will get better but you need to make them get better.
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YooHoot
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Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Jul 11, 2014 15:32:39 GMT
Volt..subtly of a sledgehammer. You make valid points but that delivery... OP, I think your situation is stressful because you are handling it alone. I get it. I keep my problems all neatly tucked away and bottle them up. 4 years for him to retire isn't awful but that's a long time to be apart. Rent the house and go be with him. There are plenty of wonderful renters out there. Best of luck!
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Post by I-95 on Jul 11, 2014 15:47:57 GMT
I was a military brat and married my DH after he got out of the service so I wasn't a military wife...however, I was a corporate wife. DH traveled non-stop when our kids were babies and I used to despair over his apparent lack of involvement when I'd tall him about the trials and tribulations of doing this 'by myself'.
Then when the kids were 6 and 7, we switched roles and I traveled constantly. Suddenly I found myself changing planes in Dallas and listening to voicemails between gates...and groaning when there would be messages from DH, about the kids. I can vividly remember calling home from a trip to London and listening to DH describe some issue he was having with the kids, and saying 'WTH do you want me to do? I'm a 12 hour flight away. I can't solve this problem for you from here. Deal with it!' So, I get where your DH is coming from. I'm a 'fixer' so it frustrates me when I can't fix something....maybe your DH is the same way, especially when it comes to pre-teen hormonal girls.
Go get some counseling, see a dr. about depression, get a babysitter to watch the kids and go have some alone time. Divorce, right now, is not a solution. I hope you can work this out. Good luck.
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Post by shevy on Jul 11, 2014 16:15:14 GMT
The hardest thing for me to learn as an adult is that I cannot change another person. I can change myself and I can change how I react to others. YOu can beg and plead for him to changebut if he's not seeing it and you're not happy then it's up to you to make changes in your life to get what you want.
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uksue
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Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Jul 11, 2014 16:17:07 GMT
I'm really sorry that you are going. through such a rough time. I am in the middle of my second divorce and it isn't pleasant.
I think you have to earn your right to a divorce, however. You need to know you gave it every last shot in my opinion ( as long as there are no major deal breakers like abuse, violence etc.) It almost seems as though you are panicking about your husband's impending retirement and that you no longer want to be with him, but you really need to see what happens when he does before turning your children's lives upside down further. I absolutely think you should try marriage counselling , no matter how awkward it is to organise and attend.
Try to not to act on your knee-jerk reaction right now, take some breathing space. Do you have anyone you could talk to right now- Church maybe? I would certainly try counselling on your own to start with.
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Post by heartland on Jul 11, 2014 16:22:40 GMT
(((hugs)))
I have a very hard time making friends myself, and can greatly empathize with you on that angle. I'm friendly with people lol, but having people you can count on or turn to is a different thing. And awfully lonely too. Being military means you've had to start over numerous times, and I'm sure that just plain old sucks.
Take care of you first, and while that may not help the other things, it will make them a little easier to get through.
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Post by compwalla on Jul 11, 2014 16:53:21 GMT
I also spent a few years living apart from my military husband because of deployment and retraining commitments coupled with my commitment to my career. It was SO fucking hard. And towards the end, when we could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I pretty much lost it. I was so stressed and upset with the pressure of a toddler, a older kid with special needs, a house that I had to get ready to put on the market, trying to get ready to move, and the stress of my job. A friend at work pushed me to see a therapist and I am so glad I did. She looked me right in the eye and asked me why I thought I had to do all this by myself? What made me think I was not worthy of getting help with all this? She was right. I wasn't crazy; I was simply one person who could not do everything all the time.
So I sucked up my pride, reached out to my family and friends for help and they gladly gave it. It was the best and hardest thing I've ever done. My husband was as supportive as he could be from a distance and we went through a lot of stress until we were all back together again. There is a part of military culture that is sort of two-faced. You have all these helpful resources out there but the truth is that sometimes there is a little competitiveness about who can suck up the most and get by with the least amount of help. But what you have to remember is that *every single spouse* has sat on the floor and cried at one time or another. Every single spouse has fed their kids canned fruit cocktail, doritos, and deli ham for dinner at least once. Some days you're the one crying in the closet and some days you're the one who shows up and cleans your friend's house because she simply can't do it right now.
Reach out to your military family and ask for that help. They will be there with bells on to help you. Hang in there; don't give up when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Post by Florida Cindy on Jul 11, 2014 16:54:23 GMT
I have an illness where I have constant pain. Depression occurs with people who have pain. Pain provokes an emotional response in everyone. If you have pain, you may also have high anxiety, irritability, and agitation. These are very normal feelings when you're hurting. But with chronic pain, you may feel constantly tense and stressed. Over time, the constant stress can result in different emotional problems associated with depression. Some of the problems individuals with both chronic pain and depression have include: Altered mood Anger Chronic anxiety Confused thinking Decreased self-esteem Family stress Fatigue pain and depressionIt's a brain issue. Don't give up on antidepressant medication. You may need higher doses or a combination of meds. Once you mentally begin to feel better, your thoughts are better and you feel happier. Maybe not completely happy but able to cope a lot better. Therapy is a must-for you, your kids and DH if he can attend. You are lucky your DH has a job, even though it takes him away from you. Your family has benefits. I assume your DH isn't a drug addict, alcoholic, sex addict, ect...... You are fortunate in many way. It's very difficult to accept when you feel like crap. I don't know if you can tell us about your medical condition. If so, I make a bet you will get many more replies of people whose experience the same as you.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 14:19:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 17:28:32 GMT
another good book is I hate you mom, but could you drive cheryl and me to the mall? another recommendation for this book.
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Post by flanz on Jul 11, 2014 17:49:21 GMT
I agree that I am probably overreacting, which is why I'm so torn about this entire situation. I'm so, so tired...beyond exhausted actually. I've been dealing with hormone changes, cycle issues, chronic pain, potential surgery, and nobody to help me at all. Seriously, I don't have ONE person who I can confide in. It makes me realize how small my world is and makes me feel like a hopeless failure. Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, but you HAVE US! You are NOT a failure... life just sometimes doesn't work out the way we planned. Looking back can be helpful if done short term, but trying to focus on what you can do today to make you feel less alone might help you more than anything. I know it is hard to meet new people and make real friends, especially in today's modern world. I don't know what size town you live in, but I have heard of an organization called Meetups or something to that effect, where people invite others to join them for a hike, a group cooking lesson, etc. When I moved to the left coast from eastern Canada over two decades ago, I thought people were very friendly. And they were, on a superficial level. It took a long time to make real friends, as most people were very very busy with their local family and long time friends. Had I been in your position, moving often in the military, I would have loved something like the Meetups. Best of luck to you... and many hugs! Have faith that things will get better!
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Post by flanz on Jul 11, 2014 17:53:47 GMT
I agree that I am probably overreacting, which is why I'm so torn about this entire situation. I'm so, so tired...beyond exhausted actually. I've been dealing with hormone changes, cycle issues, chronic pain, potential surgery, and nobody to help me at all. Seriously, I don't have ONE person who I can confide in. It makes me realize how small my world is and makes me feel like a hopeless failure. Thank you so much for all your support and advice. O.K, this post broke my heart. I can feel your pain here, and I think you need help. From your kids, your spouse, a counselor, probably all of them. I've been where you are, it's an awful place to be. Having medical issues on top of everything else just flat out sucks. Hormone changes, man, that's just asking for depression to kick in. And please know I'm not judging here, I've literally been there. One of the worst depressions I had connected to female issues, while we lived overseas & DH constantly gone. Just bad times. I honestly want to encourage you to find someone to talk to. Ask your Doctor for a referral, and seek help. Chronic pain itself will alter your thinking on top of female issues. I second what Melly said. ITA.
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Post by flanz on Jul 11, 2014 17:56:23 GMT
The worst part is DD had a VERY close relationship prior to this incident. Now I feel like we virtual strangers. :-( It IS awful but it is also normal. My dd started coming back to me after a couple of years in college. Things are MUCH better now, but she is very independent and needs a lot of space. Helps that she's lived in a far off state since she went to college. I'd love to see her more often but I'm happy to see her happy and independent too. Hugs to you. The sucky parts of parenting a tween/teen daughter really suck!
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Post by flanz on Jul 11, 2014 17:58:03 GMT
This was a Christian camp (although it was sponsored for military kids), so I really don't think that was the case. But this is good information for down the road. The kids at our local Catholic high school were def. the worst when it came to partying hard!
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Post by flanz on Jul 11, 2014 17:58:49 GMT
i know you said meds did not help but i'm going to gently suggest you talk to your doc about trying cymbalta, its a different type of med than the typical zoloft, lexapro type things...and its awesome with pain too... when you're in pain all the time, its flat out depressing, and affects you mentally, interrupts your sleep... and so you hurt worse and you're more depressed about it, its a bad cycle and is very overwhelming!! A thousand times yes to this post. My gosh, it makes a huge difference to a person in chronic pain. And yes, I speak from experience. Truth. I speak from experience as well....
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