billstergirl
Full Member
Posts: 194
Jun 27, 2014 20:50:26 GMT
|
Post by billstergirl on May 10, 2015 5:05:25 GMT
My XH and I separated in 2008. I was the one who left and when I did I only took the bare necessities. I was such a Pollyanna that I thought we would go to counseling and get our crap together since we had been married for 21 yrs. I was so wrong obviously. We finally divorced in 2011. During those 3 years of separation he reluctantly would give up a few belongings here and there but pretty much kept everything.
In our divorce decree he was ordered to refinance the house to get my name off the loan. He never did. I kept giving him a break and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was working on it. In 2013 I was served with foreclosure papers at work. I had NO CLUE that was coming. He moved out of the house into an apartment taking only what he needed.
He left a lot of stuff in the house with the promise that he would get everything out. Every once in a while I would remember something that was left in the house and ask for it and I was either told that I could not have it back or that I could have it "later." About a year ago I was talking to my mom and she said "do you remember when I gave you a record player that belonged to me as a little girl?" I did remember. My plan was to repaint it and give it back to my mom. I had stored it in a box in the garage. I called XH and reminded him about it. I stressed that it belonged to my mom. His response was that he thought she gave it to me/us. And he wondered why she wanted it back. I told him it was hers and I wanted it so I could return it. He was too busy to let me into the garage and reassured me I could get it later.
Over the last year I have continued to ask for it while he put me off. Through a casual comment by my son, I learned that everything needs to be out of the house by this weekend. I have called and asked him if I could go get the box. I told him exactly where I put it. He has promised to call me so I can pick it up. Last week I called my mom and told her that the stuff needed to be out in a week and that he was ignoring my calls and texts. I said it was up to her to call him so that she could get it back. She contacted him and explained that it was something that she really wanted back for the sentimental value. He said he would return it. I went to house this week and he would not allow me in the garage.
My dd was in town today and he told her she could go by the house to get anything she wanted because he decided he was just going to leave the stuff he didn't want in the house. She told him she wanted the record player for her grandma. He promised her he would get it and give it to me. She went by the house and looked all over the garage and supposedly it is gone. There is no explanation as to where it could be. She said she looked everywhere. I am heartbroken. I am dreading telling my mom that it is "lost."
There are 21 years worth of memories in that house. I saved baby clothes and toys for my future grandchildren. There are random belongings of mine in there. Hell, even scrapbook supplies! And because he's a jackhole I won't get anything back. I know it's just stuff. I know that. I think I would feel differently if it all was lost in a fire or natural disaster. But to not have it back just because he's selfish irritates the crap out of me!
If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I don't know that I want any advice. I just needed to get it out.
|
|
|
Post by its me mg on May 10, 2015 5:18:17 GMT
*hugs* what a jackass. I'm sorry he's such a tool to you. I hope he just stashed the record player somewhere.
|
|
marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
|
Post by marimoose on May 10, 2015 5:23:05 GMT
I don't know why you can't go in the house. Can you call the police to ask for an escort? When my parents were divorcing after 32 years, my mom held all of my dad's stuff hostage. He did have a sheriff escort him to the house and witness what he was removing and being able to be a witness that nothing could happen between my mom and dad. My mom has tended to always make up stories. Your xh sounds like a real piece of work and I don't have tp wonder too hard why you may have left.
I hope you are able to get in to the house and recover anything that you might be wanting. I would be prepared for the worst based on how you have described his behavior. They are just physical items, you still have the memories and can't take those. I know this is easier said than done, I would be devastated as I also have kept similar moments but eventually I know that the pain will lessen. I have watched this process through my dad who left with very little and recovered even less but truly, learning that physical items are just items has been one of the strongest lessons I have learned.
Good luck and {{hugs}} to you.
|
|
billstergirl
Full Member
Posts: 194
Jun 27, 2014 20:50:26 GMT
|
Post by billstergirl on May 10, 2015 5:24:14 GMT
I hope he did too. If not then maybe it is in a box that he's already taken to storage.
|
|
|
Post by julieinsweden on May 10, 2015 5:55:09 GMT
If your name is on the deeds and you have been served. Then you are still part owner. Do you not have equal rights to enter the house?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 23, 2024 18:52:52 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2015 5:57:46 GMT
OMG!!! I could have written this post practically word for word!!!!!!!!!!! Mine has a sad ending. I did go back and get a few precious items (my Kitchen Aid mixer, my clothes, shoes, my dishes, crystal, silverware, some linens...), but everything he promised to put aside for me (and it was in our divorce agreeement!), was somehow "misplaced" after he had to get out in a hurry. Same deal! He had years in that house (I let him stay--it was MY house!), and he left things until the last minute and then ended up throwing most of it out (he wasted thousands of dollars with that stupid idea vs. having an estate sale!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I'm sure he tossed out my precious items. I made scrapbooks of my babies: gone! I had so many photos, momentos, cards, etc., and he has no idea where they all went. I had floral arrangements I made (to match each set of dishes/season) and he threw them out. Unreal...
I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I keep calling my attorney, who tells me to try and not focus on it & that it's not worth bringing him to court. Unreal. It's just sad that someone you lived with for so long, didn't stick to your agreement. I don't care who ended it or what happened, but, end it the right way! I basically walked out of my own house with the clothes on my back. Looking back it was dumb! The repurcussions continue to this day (6 years after our divorce!), and I swear he does this just to piss me off. It's sad.
I hope that you get what you're supposed to get back. Speak to legal counsel if you can. Sometimes a call or a letter will do the trick. Most things I had to just let go of in my head or I'd go nuts. At least I'm living a better life without him. Good luck to you!!
ETA: I agree--if your name is on the Deed, I'd call for a police escort to go in there with you and get what you can. If it's stipulated in your agreement, bring it with you. My house was in MY name and the ex was a lawyer, so he made things extremely difficult for me. It became like "War of the Roses" and I just gave up!
|
|
Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,986
Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
|
Post by Sarah*H on May 10, 2015 11:15:57 GMT
I have a life long friend whose ex-wife did this to him. His mom died in a car accident when he was in elementary school. He had two things from her - her china and her Christmas ornaments. They were the only things he asked for out of the house and it was part of the divorce agreement but in the end she just flat out refused to give him those two boxes. Because of some other really hard things going on in his life at the time, he didn't have the energy for the fight. It's been years now and I still feel angry & upset when I think about what she did.
|
|
|
Post by gonewalkabout on May 10, 2015 11:27:02 GMT
So sorry he's such a jerk. But your name is on the loan, is it on the title also? you can go into the house, he can't stop you! You have a legal right to go and get your property from your own house!
|
|
M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
|
Post by M in Carolina on May 10, 2015 11:28:57 GMT
The sheriff's department deals with stuff like this. They will want to see your court papers as proof.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on May 10, 2015 11:44:30 GMT
I agree with the others...if your name is still on the deed, he CANNOT stop you from going in. call your lawyer and get a police escort to go to the house. Stop waiting
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on May 10, 2015 11:46:03 GMT
I get the frustration and all. But I am confused, you chose to leave for some reason back in 2008 and divorced in 2011. Now it's 2015. I understand he was being a donkey's backside but I don't, I just don't, understand how in all these years that the house was NOT refinanced and your belongs were NOT given back to you that you didn't do anything about it.
Just curious. Was it his responsibility to arrange for shipment of your stuff? Was he supposed to pack it up? I really thought it would of been your responsibility. I guess to me, after the courts made their decision it was time to rent a small u-haul or a use a truck and simply go get it.
I do hope you get it worked out but it's also a good lesson for people who have to deal with this in the future do not put things off. You have to tie up ends and not drag things out. It's not fair to either person. The one dragging their feet and the one hoping/praying the other half would simply "man up" and do what they should. It affects both parties too much. When I say it's no fair to the one dragging their feet I mean they do not realize the effects their behavior is having on their own lives.
|
|
uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
|
Post by uksue on May 10, 2015 11:47:31 GMT
I'm so sorry. Yes it is just 'stuff' ,but it's your stuff and the mean-mindedness of his Behaviour makes it even more painful. I would have sent a legal demand by now and then ordered a time to turn up with apolice escort ( you can't do that here in the UK but I have heard you can in the states?)
Allow yourself a set period of grieving over this stuff and then you need to let it go ,otherwise he still has power over you . If you haven't physically had these possessions in all this time you know that you have and can continue to live without it- the same with the record player belonging to your mother. She could have taken legal action over it.
Sounds like losing some physical belongings was a small price to pay to get rid of someone so toxic.
|
|
scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
|
Post by scrapaddie on May 10, 2015 12:11:05 GMT
Let this be a warning to others. In matters of divorce, you can't just let things go. Make certain the terms of your agreements are enforced. The OP has learned this in a very very difficult way. When I was divorced, we had a list of property that my ex DH could come back and get it. He had six months to do it. He did come and get every item, except for one. And even today I would probably let him have it. Credit cards were divided and I got all of mine put in my name. They are now paid off yay. He was unable to refinance bills because his credit was poor. You better believe that I was checking the statement every single month online and if he had not paid it, I let him know. Those are now gone too. Phew!!
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on May 10, 2015 12:48:17 GMT
I'm sorry. It's obvious he gets pleasure from doing this. He's not going to change.
I would absolutely go with the police to the house. There may be things there you want that you have forgotten about.
|
|
valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,664
Jun 27, 2014 2:21:22 GMT
|
Post by valincal on May 10, 2015 12:54:09 GMT
Wow! That's crazy, and sad. Hope you get your stuff back.
|
|
|
Post by Miss Ang on May 10, 2015 12:56:51 GMT
That really sucks. I'm sorry.
|
|
akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
|
Post by akathy on May 10, 2015 13:14:00 GMT
i'm so sorry. People can be so mean to each other
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on May 10, 2015 13:25:02 GMT
I am so very sorry. It truly sucks. I do hope you get a police escort and go in asap. It's hateful it has to be like that.
But as someone with 3 kids and a FT job, it's all I can do to hold ourselves together. To think about the 100s of other things that need to be done, well, kudos to those that do, but I get OP. You try to have faith that someone upholds their legal bargain.
I hope you have some happy news, OP
|
|
|
Post by pierkiss on May 10, 2015 13:52:58 GMT
If your name is on that house you are allowed into it. Call the police and see about getting an escort. You have it in writing from your divorce in your decree that you are entitled to your belongings and he has been in violation of that for YEARS. time to get bitchy and go get your stuff.
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on May 10, 2015 14:14:31 GMT
Don't warn him you are getting the police though, if this is the route you go, just show up within advanced warning. Since he seems so vindictive I would worry he would destroy or get rid of the stuff you are wanting.
|
|
|
Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on May 10, 2015 14:21:48 GMT
Wow, either you just love to play the victim or you are totally clueless.
You divorced in 2008. That was 7 years ago. 7 years ago you should have known that your ex would never do the right thing. You had to look out for you, because no one else would.
And yet you continue to let him harm you. I think you like it. You should have forced him to refinance. You should have gotten your stuff long before now. Both of those things would have been easy to do.
It is still easy to get your stuff. You are still on the loan and I assume still on the deed. Get a sheriff deputy escort and go get your stuff. NOW. Log off the internet and go get your shit.
You get zero sympathy from me.
|
|
|
Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on May 10, 2015 14:22:56 GMT
My XH and I separated in 2008. I was the one who left and when I did I only took the bare necessities. I was such a Pollyanna that I thought we would go to counseling and get our crap together since we had been married for 21 yrs. I was so wrong obviously. We finally divorced in 2011. During those 3 years of separation he reluctantly would give up a few belongings here and there but pretty much kept everything. In our divorce decree he was ordered to refinance the house to get my name off the loan. He never did. I kept giving him a break and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was working on it. In 2013 I was served with foreclosure papers at work. I had NO CLUE that was coming. He moved out of the house into an apartment taking only what he needed. He left a lot of stuff in the house with the promise that he would get everything out. Every once in a while I would remember something that was left in the house and ask for it and I was either told that I could not have it back or that I could have it "later." About a year ago I was talking to my mom and she said "do you remember when I gave you a record player that belonged to me as a little girl?" I did remember. My plan was to repaint it and give it back to my mom. I had stored it in a box in the garage. I called XH and reminded him about it. I stressed that it belonged to my mom. His response was that he thought she gave it to me/us. And he wondered why she wanted it back. I told him it was hers and I wanted it so I could return it. He was too busy to let me into the garage and reassured me I could get it later. Over the last year I have continued to ask for it while he put me off. Through a casual comment by my son, I learned that everything needs to be out of the house by this weekend. I have called and asked him if I could go get the box. I told him exactly where I put it. He has promised to call me so I can pick it up. Last week I called my mom and told her that the stuff needed to be out in a week and that he was ignoring my calls and texts. I said it was up to her to call him so that she could get it back. She contacted him and explained that it was something that she really wanted back for the sentimental value. He said he would return it. I went to house this week and he would not allow me in the garage. My dd was in town today and he told her she could go by the house to get anything she wanted because he decided he was just going to leave the stuff he didn't want in the house. She told him she wanted the record player for her grandma. He promised her he would get it and give it to me. She went by the house and looked all over the garage and supposedly it is gone. There is no explanation as to where it could be. She said she looked everywhere. I am heartbroken. I am dreading telling my mom that it is "lost." There are 21 years worth of memories in that house. I saved baby clothes and toys for my future grandchildren. There are random belongings of mine in there. Hell, even scrapbook supplies! And because he's a jackhole I won't get anything back. I know it's just stuff. I know that. I think I would feel differently if it all was lost in a fire or natural disaster. But to not have it back just because he's selfish irritates the crap out of me! If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I don't know that I want any advice. I just needed to get it out. saving this because this ain't my first rodeo
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on May 10, 2015 14:23:16 GMT
I am so very sorry. It truly sucks. I do hope you get a police escort and go in asap. It's hateful it has to be like that. But as someone with 3 kids and a FT job, it's all I can do to hold ourselves together. To think about the 100s of other things that need to be done, well, kudos to those that do, but I get OP. You try to have faith that someone upholds their legal bargain. I hope you have some happy news, OP You wrote what I was thinking. Good luck OP I hope you find your mothers record player and more favorite things.
|
|
|
Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on May 10, 2015 14:24:49 GMT
"Need to vent about my XH"
------------------------------------------
No honey, you need to vent about yourself. Come back and do that AFTER you go get your shit.
|
|
|
Post by Chips on May 10, 2015 16:08:53 GMT
I am sorry. Try to get in there asap to get your belongings.
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on May 10, 2015 16:46:58 GMT
But as someone with 3 kids and a FT job, it's all I can do to hold ourselves together. To think about the 100s of other things that need to be done, well, kudos to those that do, but I get OP. You try to have faith that someone upholds their legal bargain. I hope you have some happy news, OP But who's legal responsibility was it to collect her belongs from the house? Let's say tomorrow my husband leaves me. I am in the house. We divorce. Who is responsible for my ex's belongings? Am I supposed to keep them in the house for YEARS until he decides to get them? Am I supposed to pack them up and store them till he decides to come get them? As he randomly calls asking for individual pieces of stuff should I be responsible. He walked out the door. At what point is it no longer my responsibility? I just think if she was posting that her husband walked out 5 years ago and still hasn't come to collect his stuff we would be saying that enough time lapsed it's not her concern anymore.
|
|
|
Post by greenlegume on May 10, 2015 16:54:13 GMT
Looks live you've learned a hard lesson about always, always, always needing to look after yourself first.
Of course you should always try to play fair. I'm a huge believer in the golden rule. BUT 1. You are the only person you can ever count on. Sucks, but it's true. Life is so not fair, and there are all kinds of mean people out there who will take advantage of you without a second thought. Even people you were married to. Of course it's not fair, but you don't have to roll over and accept the kind of things you've accepted. Quit making excuses. 2. You should never ever "play fair" or "do the right thing" if it involves or requires not looking out for yourself and your own best interests. Not selfish intersts, best interests.
Casting yourself as the helpless victim in this scenario is not going to help you move on and live a fulfilling life. Learn what you need to from this, including your part in it, and move on.
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 10, 2015 17:01:31 GMT
I am sorry your mother is going to lose something she valued. But man. The number one Pea Rule when divorcing is to protect yourself and you have not been doing that. From where I am sitting, it seems your only option is to get a sheriff and try and go find your belongings. But you cannot wait any longer. Get up and do that TODAY.
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on May 10, 2015 17:13:39 GMT
Before I head out the door for my Mother's day lunch with the kids I wanted to say that I am sorry this is going on even though I might seem harsh. Hindsight is 20/20
|
|
|
Post by mom on May 10, 2015 17:21:32 GMT
But as someone with 3 kids and a FT job, it's all I can do to hold ourselves together. To think about the 100s of other things that need to be done, well, kudos to those that do, but I get OP. You try to have faith that someone upholds their legal bargain. I hope you have some happy news, OP But who's legal responsibility was it to collect her belongs from the house? Let's say tomorrow my husband leaves me. I am in the house. We divorce. Who is responsible for my ex's belongings? Am I supposed to keep them in the house for YEARS until he decides to get them? Am I supposed to pack them up and store them till he decides to come get them? As he randomly calls asking for individual pieces of stuff should I be responsible. He walked out the door. At what point is it no longer my responsibility? I just think if she was posting that her husband walked out 5 years ago and still hasn't come to collect his stuff we would be saying that enough time lapsed it's not her concern anymore. agree. Totally. If the shoe were on the other foot, there would be no sympathy for the ex. Everyone would tell you it was his fault for not getting his crap.
|
|