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Post by grate on May 10, 2015 14:42:28 GMT
I am not going on FB until Mother's day is over. I did not have one of these "best Moms ever" and there were circumstances beyond our control that shaped who she was. I have made excuses for her and felt sorry for her, even when she has criticised me as a daughter and a mom. Everyone thinks we have such a wonderful and close knit family, helping each other but it could not be further from the truth.
I moved to Europe and don't miss her, got married years ago and bought my dress without ever thinking she should have been with me I have made it in spite of her. However, she has a revisionist idea of history. What was wrong with my childhood? What did I ever do to you? Amazing. She has forgotten the beatings, the mental manipulations, the lies, turning me into a "mom" at 11 because she could not handle my baby brother, trash talking about my dad since I was very small. I never had a childhood.
I do not think I have ever sent her a real mothers day card, my hugs are just what I am supposed to do and when I look at FB and hear other people talk and want to celebrate and are so happy, i want to cringe. I have a very hard time lying so I just say happy mothers day without all the other stuff but then she gets upset we do not fall over her and plays the whoa is me card. She has ACTUALLY said to my dad..... I had 4 kids, 2 are dead and the other 2 wish I were. This came after I told her she was NOT to treat my daughter (8 at the time) the way she did me when I caught her in the act, the daughter she told my other daughter, reminds her of her own sister whom she does not like.
The worst part is I have been playing the good daughter for so long and I am beginning to crack--- and I am moving my parents in with me to help them out (long story) we will have separate floors and separate entrances but they will still be there. I only hope I can stay sane. Thankfully I have a better relationship with my girls (which drives her nuts) Hugs to anyone else who feels like me...
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Post by Baseballmom23 on May 10, 2015 14:46:04 GMT
(((hugs))))
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Post by alittleintrepid on May 10, 2015 14:47:04 GMT
It's time that this day be just about you and your motherhood. Let your children celebrate the best mom ever - it sounds like you've done right by them!
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Post by papersilly on May 10, 2015 14:47:15 GMT
Sorry you went through this. I assure you, not all moms are perfect. Yes, stay away from FB today or you will be barraged with all of those kinds of posts that make you uncomfortable. Have a great Mother's Day with your own kids.
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psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on May 10, 2015 14:48:05 GMT
Yikes that is a lot. Hope you enjoy the day with your kids!
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alyson
Shy Member
Posts: 35
Aug 2, 2014 2:13:45 GMT
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Post by alyson on May 10, 2015 14:49:28 GMT
I feel the exact same way about my mother, so I get how you're feeling, completely. Hugs to you!!!
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Post by originalvanillabean on May 10, 2015 14:51:01 GMT
Hugs. Don't feel guilty in the least. Do what you gotta do girl!
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,084
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on May 10, 2015 14:51:12 GMT
You are remarkable.
She is going to live under your roof? Did I read that right? Amazing.
You are a saint.
Make sure she has her own little yard or you may find yourself together all too often.
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Post by gar on May 10, 2015 14:53:22 GMT
I doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about. Enjoy the relationships you have with your children - you deserve that pleasure.
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Post by grate on May 10, 2015 14:57:16 GMT
Thanks ladies! I usually do not air this dirty laundry but I am feeling a little weak Funny thing is, I guess I have been thinking of ME when mother's day rolls around so my mom got a mother's day email and i am not calling --- don't want to talk to to dad-- they ran up our addition remodel 250K over budget and I am really mad) but i was feeling guilty I did not remember early enough to send something but maybe it has been self preservation!
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on May 10, 2015 14:57:42 GMT
(((grate)))
I'm staying away from Facebook as well. I don't think you're awful, nor should you feel guilty.
I do think that a lot of people use Facebook to show the world what they wish their lives were like, not what they're really like.
I do have relatives and friends that have/had amazing mothers. I also know the struggles of many of my friends and family.
I totally understand the "revisionist history" attitude. I know you can't change the past, but it gauls me that my mother holds me to such an unlivable moral standard yet she makes excuses for her past behaviour and my brother's.
Any type of "discussion" of why I feel the way I do (which is the wrong way to feel/I should feel differently) and how to make our relationship better was just met with excuses and deflection on how everyone else didn't do what they were supposed to do.
The worst instance was when my mom wouldn't fly up to be with me when my dh was in ICU and hospitalized for 9 days after almost bleeding to death following hernia surgery. My mom wouldn't leave her elderly dog that was sick. I'd just like an apology. For her to admit she was selfish, and that she truly loves me more than she did her dog. My dad was going to pay for her ticket, so she wouldn't have had any expenses.
My mom just trash talks my dad and why he wouldn't come. He was so upset that he couldn't come. He had a week long dog training class where several law enforcement officers had paid a lot of money and travelled great distances for a submersive training experience. How could my dad have just left?
I also understand that despite it all that you still love your parents. We do teach people how to treat us, and part of that is being kind and loving even when others aren't. That's why I still help my mom when she's sick or had surgery.
I admire you for wanting to help your parents, but I do think that you need to be extremely careful that this situation with your parents living with you doesn't damage your family. I will be praying for you.
(((grate)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 23, 2024 18:30:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2015 14:59:27 GMT
Don't read into the smiling faces you see on Facebook--in many cases they are not in any better shape relationally than you are.
It's ok.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on May 10, 2015 15:01:29 GMT
My mom kind of left me just before my fifth birthday when my older brother was killed..... She was. Mentally absent... But at least she was never cruel and I can now understand a bit of her pain... So sorry your mother could not be a mom to you
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Post by sugarmama on May 10, 2015 15:04:00 GMT
Today should be nicknamed "Mush" day in honor of all the posts I have seen on FB so far. I know people love their mothers, but I guess I'm a little more introverted about putting my deepest feelings on social media. I love my mother (in spite of our difficult relationship) but I just don't feel the need to let my FB friends know all that. She is the only person that needs to know that.
I know they all mean well, but when you have a complicated relationship with your own mother, it does make you feel like your love is not good enough in some way.
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Post by Karmady on May 10, 2015 15:05:04 GMT
(((hugs))). I'm on the same page but my mother isn't living. I see the photos of people with their mother's on FB too and I just avoid it. I can't post a picture and say how much I miss her. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't nasty all the time. She did do some kind things for me/us but she made it very clear at an early age that my brother was #1.
I had a strange moment yesterday while shopping for outdoor chairs. I saw one that I liked and there was a tag on it that said "will hold up to 350lbs". I thought hey, that's good for me. That would be something my mother would say "hey, it would hold you"! Kinda nasty since I'm about 200lbs LESS than that. But that's the way we grew up. I wasn't enough. I did look good enough. I wasn't smart or athletic enough. Yet, I was smart and very athletic.
Funny thing is that my adult life been very satisfying and reasonably successful. Yet, I have these flashback moments at times.
Good luck with moving your parents into your home. Remember to keep your emotional distance.
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Post by grate on May 10, 2015 15:06:49 GMT
M in Carolina hugs to you too
I will need the prayers i think! thank you! They sound similar! One on my examples---- i was living out of state when my baby brother (17) got into trouble and had a court hearing. Ours was considered a good family and my mom was mortified. My mom would not go to his court hearing even though it was one block away (could see it from our house) so i drove 5 hours to sit with him. She said it was because it had to do with alcohol that she would not go. 8 years later he died unexpectedly, I drive to the house (4 hours this time) and walk in to find her drunk and laughing with friends! I walked right by her to find my dad.
Helping them is the right thing to do but I do need to keep my distance and honestly I do not think she wants to hang out with us much, she just likes the idea of it. Dad on the other hand would sit with us ALL DAY-- just to be around us
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Post by CarolT on May 10, 2015 15:06:51 GMT
I think Mother's Day and Father's Day are hard for a lot of people - especially those who had/have difficult or complicated relationships with their parents or children, those who want to be parents but aren't, those who have lost parents, and those who have lost children.
I'm happy for those who have amazing moms, but I'm one who has to scroll past a lot of FB posts today, too.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 10, 2015 15:14:47 GMT
I'm sorry, and I commend you for rising above it! Enjoy your family and keep the poison away.
We got this little FB reality lesson here last year. One of the neighbors consistently posting how happy she was married to her BFF, "he's the greatest", was almost murdered by her DH. It was sad and awful, and her real life wasn't as cute as the selfies made it seem. Since then I start to wonder, when someone posts so often, are they reassuring themselves? I've been annoyed with DH quite a bit this year, but I wouldn't interupt what was supposed to be romantic date night to put our candlelit pic on FB! (But I AM OLD)
ETA we should make @sdeven words into a flash card.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 10, 2015 15:18:08 GMT
My SIL just texted oldest nephew declared it a bogus holiday, a hallmark made up one. LOL she texted him an order to buy a card and report for dinner at 1:00. And she's cooking the dinner. It's not all sunshine and butterflies everywhere!!!!
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 10, 2015 15:27:57 GMT
I agree, stay off facebook. It has to be difficult to let her move in with you, even if you are in separate areas. You are most definitely a saint in my book.
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Post by pelirroja on May 10, 2015 15:30:45 GMT
Just remember that FB is not reality: you only see what someone want you to see, not the (sometimes gritty) real life stuff. It's spin control on steroids. A pea has a wonderful quote on here as a reminder not to compare your insides with someone else's outsides. It's great advice whether it's dealing with real personal stuff or facing these faux Hallmark Holidays. ((hugs))
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Post by moveablefeast on May 10, 2015 15:38:41 GMT
It's okay. I don't have the Best Mom Ever either. We are all doing the best we can with what we've got. It's okay not to feel all mushy today.
Wishing you good things today.
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Post by bearmom on May 10, 2015 15:41:17 GMT
Hugs to you,?
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Post by lancermom on May 10, 2015 15:42:09 GMT
I hear you, it is all fluffy crap! My mom is only a mom:grandma when it is convenient for her. Is someone watching or how can I gain. Outsiders think we get along great, but they aren't there to see the everyday. I keep saying I wish I had the mom my brother has, Supportive, caring, loving. When I had kids she screamed I should be at her house all day. At that point I declared it my holiday. I am now a mom and it is my day. She now gets a phone call.
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Post by Meri-Lyn on May 10, 2015 15:45:59 GMT
Totally get it! I'm there with you. It's a hard day, and I try to keep to myself for most of the day. I understand how you feel, and I try to take it in stride, with all the FB posts, etc. I couldn't choose my mother, unfortunately, but I can choose who I have around me now, and make the most of it.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 10, 2015 15:52:27 GMT
Please don't feel guilty. Hugs!
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Post by Chips on May 10, 2015 15:59:49 GMT
Hugs and I am so proud of you Grate! You're changing the cycle started by your Mom and not living in denial. Your daughters are so blessed to have a wise, loving and amazing Mom.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on May 10, 2015 16:04:51 GMT
One of the multitude of reasons I do not go on FB anymore.
While my relationship w/mine wasn't as tumultuous as yours, we still had our issues.
Hang in there!
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Post by shescrafty on May 10, 2015 16:08:14 GMT
I totally understand how you feel. My mom is very manipulative. After Easter I decided this year I was not spending Mother's Day with her. She has said very mean things about me and to me, and I am just done. In our family my siblings quickly learned that if somebody else was dealing with my mother's wrath to ignore it all. They have never stepped in to defend me against my moms tirades like I have done for them. So I am done. It has been very hard seeing the FB posts where people can say their mothers are the most caring and supportive moms ever-I feel like when my dad died 22 years ago my only cheerleader in the world died as well.
My husband and kids made a great breakfast and have spent hours this weekend planting new trees and redoing the landscape. I am going to my best friend's house for dinner and spending it with people who make me feel happy instead of like $h1t all the time. But I am still full of guilt because I can't be the daughter my mother has ever truly loved.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 10, 2015 16:15:43 GMT
Just remember that FB is not reality: you only see what someone want you to see, not the (sometimes gritty) real life stuff. It's spin control on steroids. A pea has a wonderful quote on here as a reminder not to compare your insides with someone else's outsides. It's great advice whether it's dealing with real personal stuff or facing these faux Hallmark Holidays. ((hugs)) This is exactly what I was going to say. I have an amazing relationship with my mother-but guess what? Even that has its moments of difficulties. I have had a wonderful morning with my youngest son-but I haven't even heard from my oldest and honestly, I don't think I will (unless his brother reminds him.) The online stories are carefully crafted in order to portray in the best possible light-or some cases, I dare say down right made up. Holidays have so many expectations-who can possibly live up to perfection? Never forget, even when looking at what may be perfection from the outside, isn't always that way on the inside.
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