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Post by marysue63 on Jun 3, 2015 18:56:40 GMT
This group has been helpful in the past with my stepson questions so I'm going to ask another.
I have been married to DH for almost 1 year, dated for 1 year before we got married. He had been technically divorced from his ex-wife about 10 months before we met, and hadn't been living at home for 18 months prior to that. He has DSS25 and DSS&DSD 20, they are all on their own. I have been divorced for 13 years and have DD14 who lives with us full time.
We have the opportunity to go to the Indy 500 next year for the 100th running. DH has gone several times as a child and an adult, and he took both DSS's last year. He goes with the same friends when he goes. No one went this year. This same group of friends is planning for next year and I found out that all the wives were planning on attending because it was the 100th. So I said I wanted to go, and so does DD14. DH asked his 3 kids but when they found out that I was going the 2 DSS said they didn't want to go. You see, they don't like that their dad married someone else, and that he married too soon. They barely know me, I didn't actually meet them until after we were married. The younger went into the Army so I never see him now. The older one came over a handful of times last summer but then told his dad in October that he just wasn't comfortable with me and seeing him in this new relationship. I can respect that but do feel that he needs to grow up a little bit and see that I'm not going anywhere.
I'm in no way of fan of car racing but thought it would be fun to go once, especially for the 100th. I like the other couples and know that we would have a great time. (The other couples are also bringing their children.) This is not a small trip as we live in Oregon so we have to fly and stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.
DH feels bad about his boys not wanting to go and of course I feel bad too (for my DH). But I don't feel bad for the boys because they are making their choice.
So my question - do I go and enjoy myself? Or do I back out so DH can spend that weekend with his boys?
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Post by chlerbie on Jun 3, 2015 19:03:10 GMT
Me? I would go. You're right--they made their choice and are not little children. They are old enough to understand and work things out. As a stepmother myself, I make sure that there are times that they can do things just on their own, but I don't expect to be left out of everything. Luckily, I have a wonderful relationship with dsd.
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Post by Sparki on Jun 3, 2015 19:04:20 GMT
I say that you should go. The boys need to grow up.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 3, 2015 19:05:09 GMT
Am I reading correctly that his children are all in their twenties?
If I am, then yes, you go with him & your dd and you have a blast!
If his three adult children wanna guilt trip him and piss in his cheerios and have a fit, TFB!
They are adults and need to act like adults. Not being able to suck it up and deal with their feelings of "not liking you" just because you are his new wife is no reason to guilt trip your husband (their dad) into trying to make him choose either them or you. They need to grow up.
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Post by annabella on Jun 3, 2015 19:13:52 GMT
You said so yourself that you're not a fan of racing and your husband took his boys last year. I know this isn't fair, but I think you should back out and let it be a "boys" trip. And you and your daughter can take a girls trip somewhere else.
My father remarried 5 years ago and while is wife is polite to me, when I visit I don't feel comfortable in his home, I feel like a guest in a strangers house. Again she hasn't said or done anything to me, but that comfortable level visiting him is just gone. He invited me to join them on a mini vacation and I declined because at least when I visit him out of state she doesn't tag along to dinners and stuff, but to have to spend 24/7 with her didn't sound enjoyable to me. I'm not spoiled, I understand she comes first, but that doesn't mean I have to spend a lot of time with her. This has nothing to do with my mother.
My advise to you, is even though they are 25, you still have to be the one to put the effort in win them over.
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Post by finally~a~mama on Jun 3, 2015 19:14:32 GMT
Go & have a good time. They are adults and should be able to understand (and hopefully they will soon) that you had nothing to do with the end of their parents' relationship.
ETA: Annabelle has a good point. Now I'm rethinking my advice. LOL
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zztop11
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,537 
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Post by zztop11 on Jun 3, 2015 19:18:11 GMT
The other wives are going with their children. By all means you should go. It's not like it just a father and child trip or boys trip. They are old enough to make up their own minds. Maybe your husband can talk to them in a neutral place. Explain how the trip would help to bring everyone together. He can spring for their room so that they'll be comfortable and will have their space. It does take time to blend families.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 3, 2015 19:18:34 GMT
I think I'd let DH decide. AND I would let him know I was OK with either decision.
I base this on the fact that 1. you aren't a big racing fan and 2. last year he took his kids.
It's a tough situation.
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luckyexwife
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Post by luckyexwife on Jun 3, 2015 19:20:05 GMT
How does your husband feel about all this? Has he talked to the boys and explain that his first marriage was well over before you came in the picture?. Would your husband be able to talk to the boys and make it a vacation with the whole family, everyone together?
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Jun 3, 2015 19:21:34 GMT
Honestly, he offered to take them. They are adults and made their choice. They can grow up and get over themselves or continue to drive a wedge between themselves and their father. THEIR choice.
I would go, take my daughter and HAVE FUN!
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scrappert
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jun 3, 2015 19:22:11 GMT
I agree, go and enjoy.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
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Post by luckyexwife on Jun 3, 2015 19:25:04 GMT
This group has been helpful in the past with my stepson questions so I'm going to ask another.
I have been married to DH for almost 1 year, dated for 1 year before we got married. He had been technically divorced from his ex-wife about 10 months before we met, and hadn't been living at home for 18 months prior to that. He has DSS25 and DSS&DSD 20, they are all on their own. I have been divorced for 13 years and have DD14 who lives with us full time.
We have the opportunity to go to the Indy 500 next year for the 100th running. DH has gone several times as a child and an adult, and he took both DSS's last year. He goes with the same friends when he goes. No one went this year. This same group of friends is planning for next year and I found out that all the wives were planning on attending because it was the 100th. So I said I wanted to go, and so does DD14. DH asked his 3 kids but when they found out that I was going the 2 DSS said they didn't want to go. You see, they don't like that their dad married someone else, and that he married too soon. They barely know me, I didn't actually meet them until after we were married. The younger went into the Army so I never see him now. The older one came over a handful of times last summer but then told his dad in October that he just wasn't comfortable with me and seeing him in this new relationship. I can respect that but do feel that he needs to grow up a little bit and see that I'm not going anywhere.
I'm in no way of fan of car racing but thought it would be fun to go once, especially for the 100th. I like the other couples and know that we would have a great time. (The other couples are also bringing their children.) This is not a small trip as we live in Oregon so we have to fly and stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.
DH feels bad about his boys not wanting to go and of course I feel bad too (for my DH). But I don't feel bad for the boys because they are making their choice.
So my question - do I go and enjoy myself? Or do I back out so DH can spend that weekend with his boys?
You said you didn't meet his kids until after the wedding. ..we're they not invited? |
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Post by Skellinton on Jun 3, 2015 19:26:07 GMT
I would normally say let your husband go with his adult children, but it sounds like this time the trip is a couples/younger children family trip. The other guys are bringing their wives and you know and like them, your husband's adult children need to grow up.
If it was a typical trip without wives I would say don't go, but due to the circumstances of the trip this year I would go and have a great time with your husband and daughter.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jun 3, 2015 19:28:22 GMT
Go and enjoy yourself.
The stepkids seem very immature. You did not come into his life until after the divorce. Being in a blended family relationship with you and your DD in no way diminishes their loyalty to their mother. Hopefully, they will come to understand that.
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Post by traceys on Jun 3, 2015 19:34:32 GMT
I wouldn't go, but not because of the boys. I can't think of much I would less rather do than go to Indy, and that would be an expensive trip for something that I wouldn't really enjoy.
But under the circumstances I think it is your and dh call. The boys are being unreasonable. It is their choice not to go, so I think you are justified in making the choice to go if you want. That said, if I thought it really meant a lot to dh to share that experience with his boys, and it didn't mean that much to me, I might back out for dh....not for them. And then find something else that you, dd, and dh can build a tradition on
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Post by my2apps2 on Jun 3, 2015 19:34:57 GMT
Personally, if it were me? I would back out and let the kids go with their dad. Yes, they are adults but they are YOUNG adults and divorce stings when you are a kid, no matter how old you are. This cold be a way for them to see that you are willing to take a back seat to their relationship with their dad (sometimes) I get the impression that his kids are wounded still and, even though it is totally unfair,are using you as the target for their hurt and frustration. This might be a way for you to bridge the gap with them. That is just what I would do, but should you choose to go...have fun and DO NOT feel guilty!  Best wishes on your decision, it isn't an easy one.  |
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akathy
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jun 3, 2015 19:35:57 GMT
The other wives are going with their children. By all means you should go. It's not like it just a father and child trip or boys trip. EXACTLY. Do not feel guilty, they are adults, they're going to have to accept their father is remarried or not. I would be nice to them but no way would I bend over backwards to let them get their way. Again, they are adults, it's time for them to act like adults. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 3, 2015 19:39:48 GMT
Not the same thing, but my dad remarried 3 years after my mom died. It was awkward at first, but over the years I've grown to love my step mother as a person in her own right. I don't consider her my mother, but I do consider her a dear friend. My point is that it took several years and several meetings (I was already married, we are a military family and don't live in state) to establish a relationship with her outside of just her being Dad's wife.
The kids were 15 & 20 when all this started to go south. It's only been 5 years. I think it's not unreasonable for them to still have trouble navigating their father's new relationship. I would give them time and not push your relationship with them. Just let it evolve. You've only been married 1 year, so it hasn't been that long for the kids.
I would go on the trip with your husband. It's not a guys' trip, it's a family trip. Other families are going. And I would continue to encourage the step kids to join you. It sounds like a good opportunity for everyone to spend time together when you aren't locked together 24/7, replaying traditions, gifts, etc as during the holidays. They would have their own hotel room; you would have your room. Sometimes you could eat together, other times you could send the guys off by themselves or with just their dad. Hotel rooms can be canceled closer to the date if they are adamant they aren't going, and I think it's legal to resell tickets as long as you aren't asking for more than you paid. I would think tickets for something like this would be easy to sell.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 3, 2015 19:44:53 GMT
If it were a father and child trip, or an all-guys trip, I'd say don't go.
Since the other guys are taking their wives and younger children I think it's totally appropriate for you to go.
I understand Annabella's points, and if this were a trip for just your family, I might agree with her view totally.
BUT, This is a family trip for everyone going AND there will be other families there. So, your stepchildren would not have to only be with you and their dad for all meals and things. They can mingle with the other families, and they can also have a meal or two off on their own, as a group, by themselves, or with their dad while you join the others. It doesn't have to be total "together" time with you if they can't handle that or don't want to do that. And they might have an easier time getting comfortable with you if there are other people around and the focus isn't just on the immediate family relationships. Also a chance for them to get to know your daughter a bit better.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 3, 2015 19:49:56 GMT
Wait...so the two DSS said they wouldn't go...what about his daughter??? You said there is also a DSD? I say go...I also think that there needs to be some healing all the way around. His kids are going to be a part of his life for many many more years.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jun 3, 2015 19:58:06 GMT
For me....I don't like racing so you can take this for what it's worth. My DH loves to watch races and I've done my obligatory duty over the years. Since his kids want to go and you don't like racing.....maybe this could be the olive branch to start bridging the gap? If they see that you are willing to make sacrifices for your DH, their dad, maybe they will start to come around.
Either way...good luck to you!
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Jun 3, 2015 19:59:16 GMT
I am far from a car racing fan, but we went to Indy once and it was a lot of fun!
All the other wives are going. I would go.
Have their dad ask them again to go, tell them it will be a chance to get to know each other. If they say no, their choice.
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Jun 3, 2015 20:09:04 GMT
Like others have said it's a family trip not a boys trip so I say go. Part of me thinks that it is important that your DD14 gets to share an interest of your DH's and a chance to make some great memories with him.
it's a shame the boys are unwilling to take an opportunity to build bridges.
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SweetieBsMom
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jun 3, 2015 20:09:31 GMT
I say that you should go. The boys need to grow up. This. The boys are adults and need to start acting like them. |
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 17:29:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 20:18:32 GMT
Yep, I would go and they're the ones making the choice to not go and enjoy themselves at a great event. Their loss.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 3, 2015 20:27:44 GMT
I think either choice is OK and really your DH should be the one to make it. I think it's absolutely necessary that kids have one on one time with their father without you. But I will also say, I am in a blended family situation and there were times in the beginning where everyone just had to suck it up and do family time whether they wanted to or not. The good thing in my situation is that his kids were still fairly little, so the younger two accepted me right away. The oldest one was 7 when we met and it took her a little while to warm up. Similarly, my DD took a while to warm up to my DH. I would say it really took her about three years to accept that he was going to be a part of my life. She had a hard time especially because she really had a difficult time with the divorce from her dad to begin with. So don't lose hope. It may take a few years but if you keep trying, they will come around.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 17:29:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 20:28:45 GMT
It is easy to say "go. They are immature and need to grow up"
Then on the flip side peas will tell you 20 year olds can't be expected to act mature and be responsible. They still need mom packing their bags, matching their ties, fixing their meals and bailing them out.
There is a reality. The boys didn't spend a year dating you. They haven't spent a year married to you. From what it sounds like they didn't even met you until the wedding was a done deal. Hardly the best way to blend a family.
No matter what it IS hard on them to see their dad with another woman AND another child. They know what dad treated them like at 14, 15, 16 and it likely wasn't a kind as he treats your dd now.
So they have spend a few hours with you. Hardly time to build a relationship for a week end trip.
But go. Your husband has already severely damaged his relationship with his sons. And you'd rather write them off as immature and not worth trying to understand. So no loss to either of you.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 17:29:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 20:28:53 GMT
The difference between last year and next year is that last year was a boys' trip. Next year is a family trip. You have every right to go and share the experience with your husband.
If the adult boys are that opposed to you, not going on that trip isn't going to make a difference and frankly at some point, they just need to get over it - at least to the extent that they won't even be around you.
They aren't looking for an olive branch. They want you to go away and are prepared to stomp their feet and hold their breath until they get what they want. Getting their way is more important to them than their relationship with their father. Someday that may change, but until then, it's on them.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Jun 3, 2015 20:29:43 GMT
I am saying that I'm glad I don't have to navigate these waters. Either choice could be the right one but both choices are difficult in someway.
Your DH and the awx were married for 20+ years. . You married him only 10 months after the divorce, and I don't really think it matters to them that they were separated at that point. But even if it been two or three years, they're probably still would be problems.
Then there's the point that you could really care less about the Indy. I think I would find another trip as a family and let the boys have their Indy trip. Just because another family is going as a family should not affect your decision.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 17:29:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 20:53:24 GMT
Part of me thinks if you back out and let them go, they win and every time there a family event they are going to expect you to back out.
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Best wishes on your decision, it isn't an easy one. 
